Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Living in the same house as Rob proved to be too tough. I left before the lease was up.
Things had become petty. He wanted to argue every day over the most ridiculous things in order to hurt me.
Ruth offered me a room to rent while I sorted my life out. I didn’t have to make any rash decisions, and I was out of that toxic environment. It was only a few minutes away from where I used to live, but it was far enough for now.
I put the car into first gear and pulled away from the house I’d called home for the previous two years.
In the rear-view mirror, I saw Rob at the green rusty gate, gazing at the house solemnly, his suitcase with the last of his belongings at his feet. It was surreal. The end of an era. That red brick terrace had seen the worst of us over the last couple of months.
John was relieved I was out of the house; worried things would get ugly. They wouldn’t have, not physically anyway. Rob wasn’t like that. I couldn’t blame him for being furious with me. At least if I left, he could begin his new chapter as well.
It seems so odd that you spend years of your life with someone, then all of a sudden, it does a full one-eighty to nothing.
When it’s over, it’s over. I told Rob if he ever needed anything, I would try my best to help.
I wanted things to be as amicable as possible, grateful it was quick and that we hadn’t been tied to a mortgage.
After handing back the keys to the landlord, that was pretty much it. All the worrying, all the wondering, all the work it had taken me to break free, and now I was.
The sadness I’d harboured in the first couple of weeks had disappeared. The guilt remained, I was sorry Rob was unhappy, but in myself I was surprisingly fine for a woman that had just left her husband.
As I drove across town to my new short-term home, the hands-free rang, penetrating the silence. I pushed the green phone on the steering wheel to answer.
‘Hello?’
‘How did it go?’ John’s Irish lilt deliciously reverberated around the inside of my car.
‘It’s done, anyway. The end of an era. I won’t know what to do with myself when it finally sinks in. I’m in shock that I managed to work through it, but we got there in the end.’
‘It’s been a tough few months, girl. Change is always hard. And you’ve got a big heart. I know you hated doing what you did.’ The affection in his tone made my heart swell.
‘Now, just don’t go too wild with your new-found sense of freedom.’
It was intended as a joke, but I detected an undercurrent of insecurity in his voice. He’d commented before, that when I managed to leave, I might want to spread my wings a bit. It was something that secretly worried him.
‘Don’t be daft,’ I reassured him. ‘There’s only one man I want to spread my wings with, and I’m almost there. I’ve crashed cars thinking about you,’ I reminded him.
‘Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about that.’ He was openly relieved.
‘I’ve been getting such a slagging from the lads lately.
They’re practically holding a funeral, grieving my single days as though I’m written off already, but honestly Lucy I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but I haven’t looked at another woman since I met you. ’
Well, that was music to my ears. I hadn’t wanted to put any pressure on him, hadn’t wanted him to feel weighted that I’d left my husband for him, to be overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation.
He’d played a huge role in me leaving, but I said from the very beginning that even if it never worked out with John, if I never laid eyes on him again, he had opened my eyes to what it could and should be like to be in love.
‘So, is it too soon to tell you I bought you a present?’ he said optimistically.
‘If it’s an engagement ring, you can keep hold of it for a bit longer, I’m not quite ready for that yet!’ I teased, spluttering out a laugh in the process.
The tan mark was still very visible on my left hand at the ring finger, a permanent reminder of my recently updated status. I winced each time I caught sight of it and prayed for continuous good weather.
‘It’s a flight to come here, next weekend,’ he said.
‘Ah.’ He didn’t waste any time.
‘I know you said you wanted to wait until the house was gone, and now it is, I didn’t want you to have any time to make up another excuse.’
I didn’t answer immediately, turning it over in my head. I’d wanted the rented house in Winchester completely emptied and to draw a line under everything formally before I embarked on something new. Now it was.
The Decree Nisi had been approved, it was only another six weeks before we could apply for the Decree Absolute.
He took my hesitation as a negative. ‘Oh Jesus, Lucy, I’m sorry. Was I out of order? I wanted to do something nice for you. And I’m desperate to see you. But look if it’s too soon you don’t have to use it.’
I considered it for a few seconds. ‘Ok.’
‘Ok? As in ok, you’re coming?’ he reiterated.
‘Yes. I’m coming,’ I confirmed before I could over-think it. ‘I suppose it’s about time I saw those girls of yours for myself.’ I referred to the cattle that he spoke of so affectionately.
‘Well, they are dying to see you. And so am I.’
Clara and Ruth were waiting in the Slug and Lettuce for me. They insisted I’d need a drink to celebrate my new-found freedom. I wasn’t sure it was right to be celebrating, but I was in definite need of a glass of wine or five.
I couldn’t believe I’d done it. I was a free woman. That tension in my neck from continuously treading on eggshells began to ease. I forced myself not to wonder where Rob was, if he was on his own. I hated the thought of it, but was relieved it was no longer my problem.
The Slug was busy as usual, packed with girls in tiny shorts and stilettos. I felt decidedly old for twenty-seven. I looked down at my light blue Superdry skinny’s and pink vest top and decided I better go shopping sometime soon. I didn’t want old clothes reminding me of old times.
I bought a bottle of Pinot Grigio and some nachos for the table. The girls welcomed me warmly with hugs and kisses. Clara scrutinised my face intently, waiting for me to break down and cry, but I felt sound, steady as a rock.
‘So how does it feel?’ She pushed her glasses further up her face to get a better look at me.
‘It feels strange, I won’t lie, but also exciting. Like my life is my own again. Anything could happen. Don’t get me wrong. You know what a control freak I am, the unknown is kind of terrifying too…’
‘Well, anything could happen, Lucy. It is exciting. I’m glad you’re ok. It was too much, too young. So much responsibility from such a young age. So, now you’ve officially left, when are you going to see lover boy? You could do with dusting the cobwebs off.’
She didn’t realise John was already one step ahead of her.
‘Funny you should mention it. He rang earlier. He booked me a flight for next weekend.’ I loved their widening eyes as I dropped that bomb jovially into the conversation.
‘Well, he’s keen, we’ll give him that.’ Ruth raised her eyebrows, taking a huge slug of her wine.
‘In all honesty, Lucy, if it was anyone but you, I’d say you were having a midlife crisis.
But you’re probably the most sensible person I know.
Have some fun for once. Whatever you do, don’t get serious too quickly. You need to be carefree for a while.’
‘You’re too late, Ruth,’ Clara exclaimed. ‘She’s already in love with him.’
‘You are not?’ Ruth turned to me accusingly for confirmation.
I looked down at my glass and said nothing.
‘You can’t be serious?’ Ruth questioned again.
‘I’m not saying anything, it’s too soon.
But I have turned into one of these crazy bitches who checks her phone five hundred times a day and then when it finally does ring, I can’t bring myself answer it, because I don’t want to look like I’ve been sitting by it waiting desperately, even though that’s exactly what I have been doing.
It actually kills me to ignore it, but I do.
Then I spend an agonising thirty minutes watching the clock, waiting until it’s an acceptable time to ring him back and say I was busy, or out for a drink or some other nonsense.
I hate playing games, but I’m terrified of scaring him off too. ’
‘I think if anything was going to scare him off, it would be the fact that a woman he met when extremely drunk on a stag weekend, left her husband of seven years to be with him.’ Ruth kept it real as usual.
‘I wasn’t that drunk.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘But what I haven’t told you is that he’s never had a relationship that lasted more than three months.’
‘And?’ Clara said. ‘He obviously never met the right one. Or are you telling us they always get rid of him after three months?’ She flicked her spiral curls from her face.
‘No, I think it’s generally him. He told me if he saw something in them he didn’t like, that would be it. He said he could never see past that one thing then, whatever it was, no matter how trivial.’ I blow out a have breath.
‘But girls, what if he sees something in me after three months? And he gives me the p45? It would be awful on so many levels, utterly humiliating and probably exactly what I deserve, after my less than perfect behaviour. Karma you could call it.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ Clara assured me. ‘If you want my opinion, I’ll give it to you.’ She looked at me for confirmation that I was ready to hear some brutal home truths.
I wasn’t ready, but if my best friends couldn’t be honest with me, then who could?
‘Give it to me.’ I knocked back my glass of wine and poured another.
‘I think it’s an infatuation, Lucy. I think you want him because you can’t – sorry couldn’t have him.
You have chemistry, no doubt about it. You’ll go to Ireland next weekend, have loads of filthy sex and then eventually, whether it be a week, a month or a year down the line, the novelty will wear off.
Lets face it, you can’t seriously see this working out long term, can you? ’
Clara takes a sip from her drink before continuing.
‘You’re an ambitious city slicker who loves to shop in the biggest malls and drink cocktails in busy bars.
You thrive on the hustle and bustle of the city.
He’s a farmer from a tiny farming town in the west of fucking nowhere with no shops, no bars, and the only opportunity you may get, and that’s if you’re lucky, is to buy another cow from the mart. ’
Fuck, that was honest. I hadn’t thought about the specifics of the situation that far in advance. I’d been so focused on breaking free, consumed with thoughts of a short-term nature, I hadn’t got past the divorce in my mind.
‘Look, girls, I don’t know about any of it to be honest.’ I ran my fingers loosely through my hair.
‘I have this feeling in my gut that keeps telling me to go with it, see what happens. I’m beginning to sound like my mother.
’ I put my head in my hands and the girls sniggered, knowing what a fatalist my mother was.
‘Are you sure it’s not just wind?’ Clara spluttered. She didn’t believe in gut feelings and fate.
‘Don’t over-think it,’ Ruth advised. ‘Visit John, enjoy yourself and what will be will be.’
‘Oh my God, Lucy, I’m not sure you’re ready!’ Clara’s hands flew dramatically up to her perfectly made-up face.
I waited for the punch line.
‘I mean, do you even own a pair of wellies?’ She threw her head back, dissolving into cackling laughter, and gestured towards my beautiful gold high heels. ‘Those heels are going to sink into the first pile of cow shit you trip across honey. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!’
I couldn’t help but laugh. It was kind of funny.
‘Have you ever even been to a farm?’ Ruth teased. ‘You know it’s full of animals that stink of shit and demand more care than a new born baby? And just when you finally form some sort of bond – boom! They’re taken away and carved up for dinner!’
Wow, Ruth wasn’t painting a pretty picture at all. A sliver of alarm ripped through me. I’d never thought about it that way, but then I was a total hypocrite because I wasn’t exactly a vegetarian. I simply chose not to think about where the food on my plate came from.
‘Do you even know what slurry is? Never mind Sex in the City, it will be Treks in the Shitty!’ Clara cried.
‘And there’s no Harvey Nichols, Lucy. So I don’t know what you’re going to do with yourself for the entire weekend,’ Ruth added.
‘Ooh, I’m sure lover boy will have thought up a few activities to entertain her. She’s about to find out if the rug matches the carpet!’ Clara slapped her thigh in glee.
I couldn’t help but laugh along with them. It was funny. I had no idea what to expect, and I hadn’t had time to think about the specifics of it yet. Only that I desperately wanted to see him.
‘What will I pack?’ I asked them with a frown.
‘The sexiest underwear you own and make sure it’s green to match your new Hunters!’ Clara screamed, releasing another huge belly laugh.
The laughter helped the tension of the last few weeks evaporate further.
It would take a long time to let it all go fully, to forgive myself for my own failures.
But that’s exactly what I planned on doing.