Chapter 1
Dear Daniel,
She remembered the way his voice sounded, or the way he looked when he came running to her for her. She was worried that the years would make the memories fade, but they hadn’t lessened a single thing, including the pain that she felt when she thought of him.
I hope that you are well.
She had written those words so many times, and she truly meant it. She just wished that he could read them.
Today is your birthday. I am going to try and get to the bakery in town, the one run by Mrs. Stone, and get a pastry in your honor.
I am still at the boarding house, but business is going well.
I suppose I would rather be a little crowded in my living conditions and save money than pay all my wages toward a rental.
I wonder what you are doing often. I wonder if you made use of all of your talents, or whether you are and what wonderful things that you have accomplished. I hope that you are happy.
I wish you the happiest of birthdays, little brother. I hope that we are reunited soon.
Your sister,
Emily
Emily read the letter over and waited a moment or two for the ink to dry before closing it and sealing it.
If this was a normal letter, she then would have addressed it and taken it to the post box.
However, the letter’s journey ended here.
Emily did not know where Daniel was, and she didn’t even have a last known address.
She sighed and put it on the pile on the side of her desk with the rest of them.
There were six letters, some of them already yellowing with age.
She had written one every Sunday since he left six weeks ago, whether a reply came or not.
Her red hair fell over her shoulders as she put her hands on her freckled face for a long moment, taking a deep breath. Even though writing a birthday letter to Daniel was what she wanted to do, it still hurt her very soul.
She still, to this day, did not know what went wrong.
Although she was his older sister, Emily had been the only real parent Daniel had known.
She had raised him from the day their parents had died, and she had thought that everything was right between them.
But the day Daniel turned sixteen, he had left.
He hadn’t left a note or given her any warning.
The last thing they had shared was an argument, sharp, sudden, and unfinished, and by morning, he was gone.
Emily had done everything to find him. She had used her savings; she had left her clients and searched for him high and low. She had continued to make payments on the land, but without income from her seamstress clients, she wasn’t able to make payments forever.
As if Daniel leaving wasn’t heartbreaking enough, she lost the land her parents had owned, and nearly her whole business in the meantime. Eventually, she had to stop searching for Daniel and return to Chicago.
Her life felt like it was over when she moved into the boarding house. It wasn’t what she had pictured for herself. She tried to continue through life, going to church every Sunday, and participating in the community, but it was difficult alone.
Sometimes, Emily questioned why she went to church at all, when it seemed like God did not answer her prayers. It was a thought that she could never say out loud to anyone, but a thought that constantly ran through her mind.
With the letter written, she stood up and swept her hair out of her face.
It was Sunday, and she would like to keep the promise that was in the letter and get a pastry at Mrs. Stone’s bakery before church.
Daniel used to love them, and they had been a treat every year on his birthday back on their parents’ land.
Emily stood on her tiptoes to see her face in the mirror.
She was shorter than most people, but she felt like the mirror was exceptionally tall.
Although there were other women in the boarding house, it was mostly men, living in these small, dark, hopeless rooms and the mirrors seemed to be expecting a lonely man instead of an approaching-spinster-age woman, who had no hope beyond making sure she had savings for emergencies.
At this point, Emily wasn’t even sure what the emergency would be.
She knew seamstresses much older than herself, so she figured she would work until her eyes and hands failed her, and then hopefully, by then, some kind community member would take her in.
It was one of her only motivations for staying connected to the community.
She pulled her best shawl out of the cupboard and wrapped it around her shoulders.
She didn’t have the best dress, which was embarrassing to her, given that she sewed many people’s best dresses for church.
She just couldn’t find the spare time or energy to do so.
She prioritized her clients, hoping that they would continue to forgive her for being gone so long without a word all those years ago when she went to look for Daniel.
She paused and then reached to plait her hair. Even though she was unmarried and had every right to have her hair loose, she didn’t feel like she wanted to attract attention. Her heart was broken, and she wasn’t sure she would even feel open to sharing her life with someone.
She thought about it from time to time, but she wasn’t sure who would want her, working day and night without any family to continue or any real money to bring to the table.
She glanced out the window and was happy to at least see the sun was shining. Rain would match her mood, but she was glad that she wouldn’t arrive at church drenched on top of everything else.
She put her hand on the stack of letters once more, took a deep breath, and then she headed out the door.
She was lucky in this boarding house that she could at least lock the door behind her. She felt like she paid a premium for that, but she needed to have some standards to feel safe.
“Good morning, Emily,” her landlady, Mrs. Skall said, as she headed down the steps. “Remember that rent is due later tonight for next week.”
“Yes, Mrs. Skall,” Emily said. “I will certainly have it for you when I return from church.”
“Wonderful,” Mrs. Skall replied. With crinkly eyes and grey hair, she really was a kind landlady and Emily knew that she was lucky. Chicago was a big city, and the landlords were known for taking advantage of those who could pay just enough to live.
By contrast, although Mrs. Skall’s boarding house was not the cleanest or the most up-to-date, Emily knew that she could at least come home without someone leering at her from the top corner stairway or pushing into her room at night. “I went to the 6:00am service, it was beautiful.”
“Looking forward to it,” Emily said, with a tight smile, as she headed out the door.
She did not want to give away that today was a difficult day, simply because she didn’t want to be asked about it.
There were those at church who had known her family for years, but she had kept her distance since Daniel left.
They knew of him, of course, but not enough to remember a day like this.
Chicago’s streets were always crowded, and Emily dodged people as she made her way down Main Street. Mrs. Stone’s bakery was also always busy, and the coins jingled in her pocket as she waited outside the door for a few people to leave.
“Emily!” Mrs. Stone said from behind the counter. “How lovely to see you again. Have you been keeping well?”
“Yes,” Emily said. It was partially a lie, but she didn’t know what else to say. How could she properly articulate in public that from the outside, everything seemed fine, but from the inside, everything was broken? “Yes, thank you. And how are you? How’s the family?”
“My family is quite well. Josiah and Nadine are with child, any day now. My fourth grandchild, I cannot wait!”
“Wonderful,” Emily said, as she looked at the pastries on display
“And how about you?” Mrs. Stone asked. “Are you married yet?”
“Oh, no,” Emily replied. “Not quite yet. I’ll take the…this one here. I’m not sure what it is, but it looks delicious?”
“It’s mulberry,” Mrs. Stone said. “A new recipe, but quite tasty if I do say so myself.”
“That sounds delicious,” Emily replied. “How much do I owe you?”
“On the house, dear,” Mrs. Stone answered, with a smile. “Since it’s a new recipe. Just promise to come back and give me your honest review.”
“Thank you,” Emily said. “I appreciate it.”
Any other day, she would have truly appreciated the gesture.
Today, though, she wondered if more people remembered his birthday than she knew, and they were going to pretend to be kinder to her than normal.
Although she knew that she should be grateful for the kindness, it stung in a way that she did not know how to put into words.
The church was at the edge of the main street, and already, she could see that attendance would be full this week. Some weeks, she could easily find a few at the back, and other weeks, she had to sit right at the front, noticed by all.
The pastry, at least, was quite good. She had never had a mulberry pastry before, but Mrs. Stone was very talented, and everything was delicious that came out of her shop.
She couldn’t help but think how much Daniel would have enjoyed it. It was halfway between sweet and tart, the perfect combination of flavors.
Sometimes, she fantasized that she would be turning a corner, or opening the door of the boarding house, and he would just be there, smiling, as if nothing had changed.
She had played the scene out in her mind half a hundred times.
She wouldn’t ask him where he had been or why he had gone.
She would just throw her arms around her little brother and thank God for seeing her heart at last.
Emily wiped the crumbs from her fingers onto her dirt skirt and then pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulders and crossed the street into the church.
There were various people gathered outside the church, and she noticed they were all looking at her, and then whispering.