Chapter 33
33
‘She’s ever so peaceful, ain’t she?’
‘She is.’ Sarah tilted her chin and lightly kissed the newborn’s forehead. She had that perfect smell, the creased skin, and the scrunched up little fists that she wanted to remember forever.
‘Have you got a name?’ Jenny asked, her hand gently stroking the baby’s back.
A smile graced Sarah’s lips as she looked at her youngest daughter.
‘Elspeth,’ she said. ‘I think I’m going to call her Elspeth.’
‘Great name.’
‘It is, isn’t it?’ Sarah had always loved the name. There was something so gentle about it, yet at the same time, regal and creative.
‘Do you think she’ll remember me?’ Jenny asked. A moment later, she shook away the question. ‘That’s stupid, ain’t it? Ignore me. Only, it’s really special, you know. It’s really something, seeing them come into the world like this. I thought it was because it was with my sister before. You know. They were my blood and everything. But it’s the same. This little baby, I… I…’
‘I know,’ Sarah said, and she did. The fact of the matter was there were simply no words that could do justice to what she was feeling right now.
‘Jenny.’ Sarah reached up and took her newest friend’s hand. ‘I know what you should do. Train to be a midwife.’
He hadn’t waited for the elevator. It was taking too long. Instead, he had raced up the stairwell. It felt like a good idea on the first floor and still so on the second, but by the third floor, Drew’s legs were starting to burn, by the fourth, he had substantially slowed, and by the fifth floor, he was wondering if they kept defibrillators in the stairwell as well as on the main floor, and whether or not he could use one on himself. Lungs heaving, he dragged himself up the final flight and flung himself into the maternity ward.
‘Sarah. Sarah Morgan,’ he panted at the desk.
From behind a computer, a nurse lifted her eyes. Her jaw jutted outwards, a distinct look of disapproval in her eye.
‘You’re the dad?’
‘I am. Oh, thank God she’s here. Where is she? Can I see her? I need to see her.’
‘That’s up to Mum,’ the midwife replied. Hoisting herself up out of her chair, she moved wordlessly through the hallway, Drew hot on her heels.
‘She’s in there,’ she said. ‘But if she doesn’t want to see you, that’s up to her.’
While Drew wasn’t sure what situation Sarah would be in when he entered the maternity ward to see his wife, he knew there were certain things he hadn’t been expecting. Like a young girl with her hands on her hips, blocking his way in.
‘Drew, I take it?’
‘Sorry, I…’ Drew rubbed his eyes. The sleeplessness from the night before was clinging to his temples, slowing all comprehension. ‘Where’s Sarah?’
‘You don’t deserve to see them. Either of them. You lying, dirty?—’
‘It’s all right, Jenny.’
Drew peered behind the angry young woman. Draped in a green hospital gown, Sarah pushed herself up to a sitting position. If he had thought he was tired, it was nothing compared to how she looked. Despite the dolling up for the night before, there was not a scrap of makeup on her face. Her hair clung to her cheeks and her neck, and all in all, she looked the most beautiful he had ever seen her in his entire life. He was moving towards her when he stopped in his tracks.
‘Oh my God. Is that… is that…?’ Tears clouded his eyes.
‘Drew, meet Elspeth,’ Sarah said.
‘Elspeth?’
‘Elspeth.’
Every emotion he had ever known flooded from his body as he fell onto his knees beside the bed. ‘Oh, my goodness, she’s beautiful. She’s so beautiful.’ A full head of dark hair covered her crown, her closed little fists tucked up beneath her chin. ‘Elspeth,’ he whispered. Still panting, he landed his lips on the top of his wife’s head. ‘Sah, I am so sorry I wasn’t there. Please. Please forgive me. You took my phone, and I didn’t realise. And then I didn’t have sat nav, and then I tried at Nelly’s. Oh my God, I am so sorry, you know that, don’t you? I am so sorry. I am so proud of you.’ He kissed her again. Then the baby again. ‘You are so perfect. Isn’t she perfect? I am so sorry I wasn’t there to meet you straight away. You were fine though, right? She’s fine, isn’t she? She looks fine?’
It took a moment for Drew to realise he was the only one speaking. Other than saying the baby’s name, he didn’t think Sarah had uttered a single word since his arrival. He shifted himself back and looked at the pair together. The sense of unease deepened. It wasn’t so much Sarah’s silence that was unnerving him. It was something else. Her whole body language was rigid and tense as if she wasn’t actually pleased to see him.
‘Sarah? Is everything okay?’ A wave of fear struck. ‘It’s not Elspeth, is it? Everything’s okay, isn’t it? She’s okay, isn’t she?’
He moved his hand down to his baby, searching for some kind of indication. They didn’t leave babies with their mum if they were sick, did they? No, of course not. Unless they were really sick. And she was breathing, stirring, so surely not.
‘Elspeth is fine,’ Sarah told him.
‘Thank God.’
So why did it feel like something was wrong?
‘Sah, what is it?’ A trembling formed in his hands, which quickly rose up through his chest.
Slowly, and with tears in her eyes, Sarah twisted her head around to face him. ‘You lied to me, Drew. You manipulated me. You made a fool out of me.’
‘This is about the book!’ A sigh of relief floated within him. ‘Sarah, I know. I was completely wrong. I just thought… I just didn’t want to stress you out. That’s all. You understand that, don’t you? I thought I was trying to protect you. I was wrong. I realise that now. Please, I don’t want to fight about it. I don’t, not now that Elspeth’s here. Please, you do believe me, don’t you?’
She nodded slowly. It was barely a single nod, during which her cheeks remained sucked in the entire time. For some reason, it made him more nervous, not less.
Sarah’s eyes met his. Deep, sallow bags highlighted the maze of capillaries that wove around her pupils. Still, there was something unsettling about the way she held his gaze, with coldness and fire that didn’t make sense together.
‘Honestly, I thought it was for the best,’ he repeated, his words sounding lamer and lamer by the second.
‘I understand,’ she said. ‘And what about Polly? Did you think that was all for the best too?’
‘Polly?’ Drew’s head began to spin. It was like dozens of strands of a conversation were whirling in the air around him. ‘You know about Polly?’ He felt the blood rush from his head.
‘I know it all, Drew.’ A stray tear escaped down Sarah’s cheek. A single sniff sounded as she wiped it away with the back of her hand.
It felt as if a chasm had formed within Drew’s chest.
‘I didn’t know it was going to happen like that. I didn’t ask her to do it.’
Sarah snorted. ‘Oh, great. And you couldn’t possibly have stopped her, could you?’
‘I didn’t know.’ Drew lifted his hands into the air. ‘I swear, I didn’t know. When I left, she was talking to Barry. Then she appeared in Casper’s office, and I was sent out. I didn’t even know what she’d done until afterwards. She thought she was doing the right thing. She was just trying to stop me from getting fired.’
‘Fired?’ For the first time, Sarah’s unflappable demeanour faltered. The surprise in her voice registered with their daughter as a small whimper floated up from Elspeth’s lips. After hushing the girl with gentle rocking motions, Sarah lowered her voice into a hiss. ‘What the heck, Drew? How much have you been keeping from me?’
‘Nothing… Well, a couple of things, but only because?—’
‘Because you were protecting me?’ Her face indicated how much she thought of that reply. ‘Seriously, Drew, that line’s not going to cut it this time. I don’t think I even know who you are any more.’
Drew was scratching his head now, trying to make sense of the jumble of words going in, none of which appeared to be linked. There was no way he was going to manage to get through any more of the conversation without a little bit more clarification. He took a step back and looked at his wife. ‘You’re mad because of the email, right? Because Barry forwarded the email, and I nearly got fired?’
‘And I’m mad because you spent the night with poxy Polly!’
‘What?’ Drew’s face scrunched up. ‘No, I didn’t. I spent the night with Nelly.’
‘Nelly?!’ The vein was now bulging in Sarah’s forehead. ‘What the hell were you doing with Nelly?’
‘What do you think? Ringing around every bloody hospital and police station trying to find out where you were.’
Elspeth began to cry. Sarah shot Drew a look. The venom in her eyes had only multiplied.
‘I rang Barry, Drew. I tried to get hold of you when this’ – she nudged her chin towards Elspeth – ‘happened. He said you’d been at the bar with Polly. That you disappeared together.’
‘Ahh.’ Drew nodded as one by one, the pieces fell into place. ‘We were at the bar, but then she… she…’
‘Yes?’ Sarah said. ‘Then she what?’
It was mean. Laughing at him was mean. But it was funny. She could picture the scene in her head. Patient Drew. Sweet Drew, who hated to cause a scene, completely oblivious to this young twenty-something throwing herself at him. It was a miracle he hadn’t gone all the way upstairs before he’d realised. ‘You thought she’d put her hand there by accident? You can’t be serious?’
‘I am. I thought she was just being friendly, that was all. Comforting, you know.’
‘Oh, she was trying to be comforting, that’s for sure. I guess she has a bit of a daddy thing going on.’
‘What do you mean by that? I look very good for my age.’
‘You do.’ She twisted her lips in an attempt to suppress her smirk. She was still mad. Unbelievably mad. And the rules about the nappy changing and belly button yuckiness were still firmly in place. But the dread that had been swirling around her stomach had been replaced by something else. Something comforting.
‘You did it. I told you that you could. All by yourself.’
‘Now is not a great time for an I told you so ,’ she said, reinforcing the point that there was a long way to go before complete forgiveness was achieved. ‘And besides, I wasn’t on my own.’
‘Well, you’re incredible. The pair of you, you’re absolutely incredible.’
Sarah closed her eyes and sank down into the pillow. Elspeth was in Drew’s arms.
‘I was thinking,’ Drew cleared his throat. ‘I was thinking that I’ll talk to Mum and Dad.’
‘About what?’
‘About money.’
Sarah shifted herself in the bed. ‘Really?’
‘Why not? What’s the worst they can say? I’ll ask for it as an early inheritance. Then maybe if they’ll lend us enough, we can put it down as a deposit on a bigger place.’
Sarah studied his face, searching for some kind of proviso. But none came. ‘You’re sure? I thought you didn’t want to move?’
‘I think it’s time. We can put our house on the market as soon as you feel ready.’
A lump swelled in Sarah’s chest. ‘You mean it?’
‘Well, it will only be a loan, of course. Until the book royalties start coming in.’