Chapter 62
LONDON
Breathing hard, I hung my head and squeezed my hands into my hips, desperately searching for a modicum of composure. I found it. Sort of. But only a modicum, and it was pretty hard to coax it to the surface.
When I looked up again, he’d finally turned to me, but he didn’t look any happier than I was. His broad shoulders were locked tight, his spine too straight, and his hand gripping the strap of his duffel like it was an enemy he was trying to subdue.
“What?” he asked, voice completely flat as those eyes bored into mine without even the vaguest hint of emotion in them.
I didn’t even see annoyance. It was like the very essence of him was missing from his gaze these days.
As if he’d shut himself away so far that not even he knew where to find him anymore.
“We have a long night ahead of us, London. Spit it out so we can get to work, will you?”
My head spun. Never before did he have to remind me that we had work to do. It had always been the other way around and I had to admit, having the shoe on the other foot sucked. I drew in a deep breath that was meant to be calming, but it turned out to only fuel the fire burning within.
“What has been going on with you?” I tossed my arms out to my sides and shook my head. “Ever since that stupid game night, you’ve been a complete ass and I don’t get it. Is it that girl? Bailey? Did she get in your head somehow? Does she not want us to be friends anymore or something?”
All week long, I’d been racking my brain, and so far, that was the most logical explanation I’d been able to come up with. In the past, Liam had seen me talking to many guys. Heck, he’d shoved me toward most of them.
More recently, sure, things had changed, but it wasn’t like this had been the first time since our little arrangement had started that Lori and Jerry had wanted to introduce us to people.
That night, once it had stopped feeling like the world had ended, I’d realized that I hadn’t done anything I hadn’t done before—and neither had he.
The only difference was that he seemed completely incapable of letting it go this time. He’d barely spoken to me since, and when he’d had to, his sentences had been short and clipped. In fact, he’d hardly even looked at me, let alone look into my actual eyes.
Even now, as he squinted like he was looking into the sun, it was still more eye contact than I’d had from him in days. “You’re kidding, right? You have got to be joking. That’s all I’ve got for you right now.”
“No, I’m not. Why would I joke about this? I’m well and truly lost, Liam. Please do me the honor of informing me what I’ve done to so mortally offend you that I’m not worth a simple good morning to you anymore.”
“I’m letting you drive my truck.”
“By myself!” I shouted until I realized that I’d lost control. Clearing my throat, I tried again, forcing my internal volume button to work with me. “Just tell me, Liam. Please. After everything we’ve been through, I think you owe me more than a note on the dresser saying to take your car to work.”
After a moment of hesitation, he scoffed out a breath and shrugged. “Nah, I’ll let you figure it out all by your lonesome this time. I’m so done putting it all out there for you only to have you crap all over it every damn time.”
I felt my face go blank. “Oh, so that’s what this is about, then. Truth or dare? Seriously? It was a game, Liam. A game for children. It didn’t mean anything.”
He shifted his weight to his heels, that gaze holding mine as all the emotion bled out of him once more.
He nodded slowly a few times in succession, finally letting out a harsh exhale before he laughed.
“It’s about so much more than that, London.
Sure, this time it happened during a kid’s game, but unlike your apparent feelings about it, it mattered to me. ”
Finally, that mask of nonchalance cracked and I saw the fury, the disappointment, and the hurt he’d been holding behind it.
“You shut me out and deliberately try to hurt me every time we get close to something real, London. Well, congratulations. This time, you succeeded, but I could’ve swallowed that.
I could have looked past it. Again. I’m just so fucking tired of it that I don’t want to. ”
I opened my mouth to respond, but I honestly didn’t know what to say. While I would have loved to deny his assessment of my behavior, I couldn’t really do that. I had made the conscious decision to keep him at a distance and it had been that decision that had driven me to choose Xavier that night.
I had shut him out and I had known we’d been getting close to something real. I hadn’t intended to hurt him. It sure as hell hadn’t been deliberate, but saying that right then would have felt hollow.
“You’re so used to having me in your corner all the time that you’ve started taking me for granted, London.
Whatever you need, whenever you need, and however you need it, I’m always just there, but that can only go so far.
I know you might not have meant to, but you’ve been using me and I’ve taken it.
I’ve taken it, and taken it, and taken it, but I can’t do it anymore. ”
Shock trickled over me like a waterfall crashing down onto my head. I felt numb and cold all of a sudden, like I was taking a battering from an outside force and somehow powerless to stop it. He thinks I’ve been using him?
There was nothing he could’ve said that was further from the truth, but while I was searching for the right words to deny it, he scoffed. “Finally, you’re at a real loss for words. I’m done, London. I’m nobody’s beck and call boy. Not even yours.”
After an icy glare that lasted only half a second or so but seemed to stretch into infinity, he spun and walked away, disappearing into the darkness of a hallway that probably led into the depths of the lodge.
I stood in the foyer like one of those slimy-looking statues outside, not moving for the longest time until I finally convinced my limbs to work with me. Leaving my stuff in the back of the truck, I decided to give myself a tour and maybe get something set up while I was at it.
We really didn’t have much time until the team got here and I doubted I’d be getting much help from Liam. Plus, I didn’t really want it.
I was absolutely reeling over what he’d said. If I’d thought I’d ever reeled before, I’d been so, so wrong. I hadn’t ever reeled the way I was reeling right then. Eventually, I stumbled upon the kitchen after wandering my way through a labyrinth of hallways, passages, and walkways.
To my relief, the place had tons of natural light shining in through big windows that made it feel like I was outside even though I wasn’t.
As dark as the interior design was, the heavy woods and emerald green, the outside was bright and sunshiny, the sound of birds chirping and water flowing filtering in through the open windows.
I exhaled a deep sigh when I found the fridge and pantry fully stocked with snacks and I loaded up a tray, carrying it to a gorgeous deck I’d seen overlooking the stream outside.
Liam had disappeared in the opposite direction from where I was right then, so I had some privacy.
I set out the snacks and pulled my phone out of my pocket to call Liv.
She answered, then listened patiently as I had a mini-breakdown telling her everything that had happened. When I was done, she sighed. “London, I love you enough to tell you that maybe he’s right.”
“What?” The word came out so shrill and sharp that it echoed across the landscape. “What do mean he’s right? He’s not right. I’m not using him.”
She chuckled. “I didn’t agree with that part. I know you’re not using him, obviously, but I do understand why he thinks you might be.”
I snorted. “Thanks a lot.”
“Just listen to me, London,” she said gently. “When it comes to him, you do lean in and then snap out of it. You have to decide what you’re going to do. Either let go of your fears and jump in, or fully let go of him. What’s happening right now isn’t fair to either of you.”
“I agree, but Liv…” I trailed off, a lump of ice lodging itself in the very center of my chest. “What if it’s just the thrill of the chase for him? What if he doesn’t actually want me, but just the one girl he’s never been able to have properly?”
“My advice remains the same,” she said. “Make your decision about him, Lo. You’re in or you’re out. You trust what you have with him or you don’t.”
I sighed. “Okay. You’ve given me a lot to think about, but I should get back to setting up now. Thanks, Liv.”
“Anytime. I love you.”
“Love you too.” I hung up and finished with the snacks before I finally went to haul my own stuff inside.
Soon after I found my bedroom and quickly unpacked, the staff started arriving and I had to get it together. I snapped on a smile like a pro, handing out welcome bags and directing people to the bedrooms.
“You’re welcome to choose any that are free,” I said, noticing Liam handling the same tasks like a robot on the other side of the lobby.
He was efficient, polite, and totally unreadable.
Every time I glanced at him, he avoided my gaze.
Somehow, that hurt worse than anything he’d said earlier.
I sighed and reminded my coworkers about the welcome circle in the den in an hour.
When the time came, Liam and I co-hosted like nothing was wrong.
Thankfully, we’d had so much practice doing this kind of thing together that the team ate it up. It was all “power duo” this and “dynamic energy” that, and no one questioned it. If only they knew that a couple hours ago, he basically told me that I treat him like a backup plan.
Even the thought tasted sour. It made no sense, but that didn’t make it any less true.
We got through the welcome circle without being called out as frauds.
Then we played a few icebreaker games while the caterers who had come in got ready for dinner.
Our first group meal turned out to be a bunch of fun, with everyone loving the place, the food, and the vibe our team had going for it.
I looked around the table, grateful that things were going so well but knowing that we would eventually have conflict in the office. These people who were becoming friends would disagree—vehemently—and they would ultimately argue like fire ants preparing for war. Just like all good families did.
A quiet but happy sigh escaped as I watched them, still beyond proud about Liam and me bringing them together. Once dinner was done, I found myself standing on the deck outside my bedroom, a glass of wine in my hand as I stared out at the woods.
My phone buzzed, and for half a second, I hoped it was Liam, but then I remembered how we’d left things. Sure enough, when I checked it, it was from Olivia instead.
Liv: He’s not mad because he doesn’t care, Lo.
He’s mad because he still does. Do with it what you will, but that man has loved you for all of his adult life and possibly even a little bit before that.
He hasn’t spontaneously stopped, but especially not if he’s acting like this about it. Good luck. I love you.
I gulped down the rest of my wine.