Chapter 44
Twelve Years Earlier
Siggy?’ Rae wasn’t sure if it was her or not.
‘Siggy?’ but she was such a surprising blend, not only of Blythe and Kip, but instead, it was like looking at herself.
Yes, there was Kip’s chin and something in the set of her that was all Carney, but the rest of her was Rae.
Still, here in the county hospital, it was the last place she expected to run into her own family.
‘Hey,’ the child said, she pulled up to a halt, her trainers pinching a squeak on the shiny floor which seemed to delight her.
‘Where’s your mum?’ It was all Rae could manage.
And then, walking down the corridor, she saw Blythe, talking on her phone, yanking her handbag up to find something to write on, eyes pinned on her daughter ahead; because as always, Blythe never did one thing at a time and Rae felt a rush of love for the sister she hadn’t seen in months.
‘Rae,’ Blythe dropped the phone, then seemed to remember that she’d been amid what had looked like a business conversation, something to do with insurance, from what Rae could gather as Blythe smiled, put her finger up, to indicate she’d be just a minute.
‘Aunty Rae?’ Siggy said then, and she threw herself against Rae’s legs and Rae felt her heart melt.
She picked the child up, hugged her tight.
Rae felt sure she would dissolve with love for the child.
Oh, God, how had it come to this? That her time managed to become so filled up with the hotel and Marcus.
No. She knew that wasn’t true. The fact was, Marcus made sure the hotel stood as a barrier to her getting any time to call out to Still Water House.
‘We’re going to the… the…’ She scrunched up her adorable little face.
‘The eternity ward.’ Siggy was at that adorable age, where she mightn’t know the meaning of a word, but she was going to make a stab at pronouncing it anyway.
‘What on earth?’ Blythe put her arms around Rae. ‘What are you doing here? Is everything alright?’ Blythe stood back from her now, examining her with critical eyes, which just made Rae’s hackles rise.
‘I’m fine.’
‘You’re obviously not fine when you’re sitting in a waiting room in the hospital,’ Blythe said and they both dropped into the chairs set out for patients to queue until they were called for an appointment.
‘It’s nothing. My eye ducts are blocked and they think I might have to have a small operation to open them up, or maybe replace them…’
‘Urgh.’ Blythe shivered.
‘It sounds ickier than it is,’ Rae laughed. There would be anaesthetic, but the recovery would be worse than the procedure. ‘Anyway, never mind all that, what about you two?’
‘We were visiting the maternity ward, Kip’s sister-in-law has just had a baby.’
‘Of course, I had forgotten.’ New babies were always a big deal on the island, that and deaths. Hatching and despatching were favourite conversation topics of the ladies who lunched in the hotel on Thursday afternoons.
‘So, you’re going back this evening?’
‘Yes, I’m taking the bus, because…’ Marcus complained so much about her driving, she’d all but given up taking the car out.
It seemed every other time she went anywhere he managed to find a bump or scrape or some switch that she had broken, even though she never remembered causing any damage.
Once, he spent a whole week complaining because a stray leaf had been left in the footwell after she’d used it.
‘Bus? You’ll come with us; I’ve brought the jeep.’
‘Yaay, Aunty Rae is coming in the jeep.’ Siggy jumped up and down with excitement.
‘But, we’ll go for lunch first,’ Blythe said with authority.
‘Oh, I can’t, Marcus is expecting me back.’
‘For goodness’ sake, Rae, he can’t spare you for five minutes to come and visit your own sister?
’ Talk about hitting the nail on the head.
It had begun shortly after they were married, there was always some last-minute thing thrown in her way, so she had to cancel any plans to drop into Still Water House.
And then, even if she did manage to escape the hotel for an hour or two, he sulked and argued with her for days afterwards, seething because he saw her visit as an act of disloyalty to him and the hotel and their marriage.
It was as if he would always believe Blythe was plotting against him and Rae was so weak willed, she would fall in with some dire plan to take him down.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
All Rae wanted was to spend time with Blythe and Siggy.
So many times, she longed to sink into the big old sofa in the drawing room and curl up next to Blythe to feel the comfort of her older sister next to her.
It was such a strong physical ache sometimes, just thinking of Still Water House and her family, who she knew she was becoming more estranged from with every passing day, thanks to Marcus.
‘Oh, come on, it’s just lunch,’ Blythe said. ‘My treat.’
‘Okay,’ Rae said. ‘I’d love to, if you’re sure…
’ Not that she could offer to buy dinner for Blythe, well not unless Blythe fancied sharing fish and chips, because she hadn’t much more than the bus fare in her pocket.
Marcus controlled all the money in the hotel.
He was meticulous about every little detail from the food stocks in the kitchen to the kilowatts it took to heat the place in every season.
‘So, how are things?’ Blythe asked when they were settled into a booth in what had once been their mother’s favourite restaurant.
It was dated now, of course, but miles from the beaten track.
They were unlikely to bump into anyone here who would tell tales from school to Marcus.
Silently, Rae was thankful to Blythe; perhaps her sister had picked this place for that very reason.
‘Ah, you know, same as always.’
‘You’ve lost weight,’ Blythe was examining her now and the look of sadness in her eyes almost broke Rae. ‘You know you could leave…’
‘Don’t.’ Rae put up her hand and shook her head. Only Blythe would talk like this. Her sister had never been shy about saying what she thought needed to be said.
‘He doesn’t own you, Rae.’ She shook her head, laughed a cruel, sardonic sound. ‘He doesn’t even own half the hotel, but he’d likely want to take it if you left.’ The hotel still cut to the bone of the contention between Blythe and Marcus.
‘That’s not going to happen.’ Rae said softly.
She had ordered the salmon. Now, she wondered if she could face it.
She dearly loved her sister, there were times when the physical yearning to see her niece almost made her feel ill, but the fact was, Blythe had a way of turning her inside out.
Maybe because she could see right through her.
Worse, she could see right through Marcus.
‘Is that a bruise?’ Blythe had spotted the purple mark on her arm. It was only visible because this blouse had become so loose, it slid up when Rae was reaching for the tartar sauce.
‘No.’ Rae pulled her arm back, covered it over with her sleeve again.
‘Oh, Rae. You could stay with us, you don’t have to…’
‘Yaay, Rae is coming to our house!’ Siggy was jumping up and down on the chair next to them and suddenly, the intensity of their conversation seemed to burst, ‘can she stay in my room?’ Siggy was singing now, so thrilled at this novelty event.
‘Shh, Siggy, for heaven’s sake, sit on your seat.’ Blythe rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t hide her smile. Siggy was adorable, you couldn’t help but be joyful in her presence.
‘Let’s change the subject, shall we? I hear, someone is getting ready to start school this year?’ Rae leant down towards Siggy and blew in her ear.
‘Me. Me. Me.’ The child made a sing-song out of the sentence.
‘Well, I’ll have to see you in your new uniform…’ Rae smiled then. She looked at Blythe. ‘Can you believe she’s…’ And then she felt the loosening of a tear in her eyes. She’d missed so much. ‘It’s only my tear ducts,’ she said, dabbing her eyes.
‘If you say so,’ Blythe said, but she reached out and took Rae’s hand across the table, squeezing it hard. ‘Don’t forget us, Rae, we’re still here for you,’ Blythe whispered as the waitress came and refilled their glasses of white wine.
Rae arrived back at the hotel, feeling both lighter after the time spent with Blythe and heavier at the thought of having to be back on Hope Square.
She tried to push the feeling of unhappiness down in her, but it was a constant these days.
She felt it as a sort of emptying of her spirit, as if life had pulled out a stopper and it was flowing down the drain.
By the time Rae realised, after they were married, what having a bit of a temper really meant, it was too late to end things.
Of course, back then, she was young and in love and she couldn’t see what had been right under her nose all along.
Even if she had, what did she know of living with someone who made you feel you had to walk around them on your tippy toes, so as not to step on the shards of glass they scattered wilfully at your feet without warning.
Sometimes, she would look back and wonder, if things had worked out differently, would they all have been happier if she hadn’t married Marcus?
Or would it just be Rae who would have been happier, because there was no question now, she knew marrying Marcus had been the worst decision she’d ever made.
Blythe had been right all those years ago. Marcus had chosen her because he saw in her a slip of a girl who was weak. Someone who would bend to his will and God help her, but apologise, because she couldn’t make two or three of herself to please him.
And there were no children. There never would be. Marcus made that quite clear a year into their marriage. Perhaps it was kinder than a someday approach, but Rae still looked in the mirror some days and thought – it’s still not too late.
But then, the idea of going against Marcus – well, Blythe had said it once, years earlier – she was trapped.
‘How come you’re so late? I had to do six rooms out and the breakfasts and…’
‘One of the machines was being serviced. The waiting room was full. Actually, I was lucky to make the last bus at all,’ Rae lied.
She’d never been good at lying, but she’d practised this, silently in the jeep while Blythe and Siggy sang ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ and she’d closed her eyes and tried her best not to sob.
‘Hmph,’ he said then, satisfied that maybe there wasn’t much he could do about it. ‘Anyway, what did they say?’ He hardly looked at her. Honestly, sometimes she wondered if he even liked her anymore.
‘I’ll have to have the operation, but it’ll be in a few weeks.’
‘You did tell them it can’t be in peak time?’
‘I did.’ She sighed and she wondered if she dropped down dead in the dining room, would he walk over her to deliver a scrambled egg breakfast to the paying guests. ‘Anyway, it’s been a long day. I’m tired.’
‘Well, I don’t know how you could be tired, I’m the one keeping the show on the road,’ he said then and she wondered if he’d have a list of jobs for her to do before she turned in for the night.
She hoped not. She hoped that she could just go to bed, lose herself in a book and close her eyes before he joined her in their uncomfortable marital bed.
‘Did you pick up my inhaler?’ he asked, because of course, there was a football match at the weekend and these days, that was his only real passion outside the hotel.
He would sit in one of the bedrooms, lock the door, pull down the blinds and turn the TV on loud.
In the early years of their marriage, it had frightened her, how involved he got in a match.
The worst of his asthma attacks happened when he watched the county team – especially if they were taking a beating.
‘Of course.’ She handed him the pharmacy package from her handbag.
‘Good.’ He grunted, snatching it from her. He never said thanks. She’d stopped expecting it at this point.