39. Bailey
bailey
. . .
The early morning light had just started to dance through the windows. Winter up here usually meant you woke up in the dark and waited for the sun to play catch up.
I was walking down the hallway of Sadie’s and Cole’s.
We had decided that it would be best for me to settle here with Sadie being sick, to help her…
and then to help Cole with the baby… after.
The house was quiet, I was sure I had heard Cole up earlier, but as I walked down the hallway I heard Sadie's voice calling me.
I pushed the door to her room open, she was barely visible in a pile of blankets and pillows.
She poked her sleepy face out of the pile and smiled at me patting the space beside her.
Without hesitation I walked into her room and crawled into the space beside her.
She covered me with the mountain of blankets and then arranged the pillows so we were both in the centre of the bed, face to face.
The light was starting to warm behind her, creating a sort of halo blurred effect. I had to close my eyes to control the tears that were always ready to fall at any moment.
When I finally had myself together the day I met Dr Chase Morgan, he had slipped me his number saying that he was available to talk if I needed it.
If I needed someone from outside of my inner circle to talk to.
Then he made a joke about maybe next time he could get a selfie with me for his sister.
I had offered that he could take one then and he elbowed me saying nahh…
you look like crap, Cassidy wouldn’t believe me that it was you.
Just like that I was laughing, a very un lady like snort slipping free from me.
Her name made me realize I knew his family, having gone to high school with Cassidy Morgan.
He gave me a wide smile, making sure I got in the truck and left the hospital safely.
He was right, it was nice to have someone to talk to who was a virtual stranger, but felt familiar and safe.
We had been texting casually ever since.
I felt Sadie’s hand on my arm pulling me back to the moment, when I opened my eyes she was smiling at me. “Hi.” she whispered.
“Hi.” I echoed.
“Luke comes home next week.” She said it while studying my face for a reaction.
I didn’t know how to respond to that. Luke had been in rehab since the day we got back home from the road trip. Rose had tried to convince me to join them for a family counselling session, but I couldn’t and I honestly didn’t know how productive that would be right now anyway.
When I didn’t respond to that she grabbed my hand and placed it on the top of her growing belly, where my niece was doing her morning gymnastics.
“How do you feel about that? About him being here…” she tried again.
I let myself bask in the warmth of the blankets, the sun and my sister before I answered, “I am conflicted.”
She nodded, moving my hand with hers to where the baby was pushing her little foot, seemingly trying to kick her way out.
“I… I still love him.” I whispered.
“I know you do.” She answered.
“But, he hurt me. He gave up on me, on us, long before his addiction… unless he was hiding that from me. And I want him to get better, I want him to be happy and whole… I just don’t know how that all fits together with us all being here.”
Sadie stayed quiet, moving my hand to follow the baby's path, letting me talk my way through my feelings.
“I was honest when I said that I would never keep this place from him. But a part of me is so angry at him. Why couldn’t he just talk to me, why couldn’t he just choose me…
choose us. I… I wish I could be petty and stamp my foot and mark my territory declaring this place mine.
Keeping him and all the hurt.. All the feelings away… but…”
Sadie brushed her hand across my forehead pushing some of my hair back, “But that’s not you and you still love him.”
“Ya…” I whispered.
We lay in the sunlight together, soaking in being together, just the two of us. Like when we were kids.
“Did you get your delivery date yet?” I asked needing a topic other than Luke and how I was going to handle him being here.
“Not an exact date yet, I have a week they are aiming for, I will know better after my next scan.”
The baby rolled and I could feel so much of her under Sadie's skin. My eyes drifted to where her skin moved like a wave under my hand.
“Bailey?”
“Mhhhmm.”
Her voice was so soft when she said, “I need to know that you are going to be ok when I am gone.”
I closed my eyes trying to keep the tears back, “Don’t…”
“Bailey…” I could hear the tears in her voice, so I squeezed my eyes tighter. “I know this feels impossible. But I need you to be ok. She needs you to be ok… more than ok. Imagine getting to grow up with Bailey Brooks as your guardian and person.”
A sob tore free from me as I opened my eyes looking at my sister, the only real mom I ever had. “I don’t need to… I had you. And… and she w… won’t. She won't get to know how incredible of a mom you are.”
“Yes she will.” Her voice sounded so sure, “Because she will have you and you will tell her all about me. You will tell her about how we grew up so she is grounded and you will tell her about this incredible life you built for us… the dreams you chased and caught, so she knows she can do anything.”
“How can you just be okay with this?” I choked out.
Sadie scooted closer to me, “I’m not okay with this.
This isn’t something I would choose, this isn’t how I saw things going when Cole and I got married, when I found out I was pregnant.
But some things are outside of our control, and I can get angry, rage against it.
But what will that give me? I want to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, of being married to Cole, of living this dream with you.
I want to hold my baby for every single minute I can.
And I can’t be present for that. I can’t truly enjoy all of this if I hold on to the anger I feel.
So… I decided to let it go.” Sadie pulled me into her arms, both of us tangled up in the blankets.
“You need to either let yourself feel, Bailey, or you need to decide to let it go.
With me and with Luke. Burying everything, choking down your feelings isn't healthy. And we need you to be happy and healthy.”
I nodded into her shoulder, feeling like a little kid wrapped in her big sister's arms.
“What do we think about Sierra?” I laughed so abruptly at her ability to change topics that snot flew from my nose, which made Sadie laugh. “Oh my god that is so gross.”
“I haven’t seen you two like this in years.”
We both poked our heads out of the blankets to find Cole leaning in the doorway.
“Hey baby.” Sadie sighed, a content smile on her face.
Cole returned her smile with one of his own. Then she scooted closer to me, so she was in the middle of the bed and Cole didn’t hesitate. He kicked off his boots and joined us in our bubble.
We lay there for at least an hour talking about baby names, listening to Sadie talk about all the things she wants for her baby girl.
I catalogued every one knowing that I would make sure she always felt as loved as I did with her momma.
That their baby would live in a world where unconditional love was never a question.
I would give her what Sadie had always given me.