40. Luke
luke
. . .
Coming home to a place that feels so familiar, feels like every dream came true, but knowing you had nothing to do with it becoming… if anything you made it harder to become… well its a hard fucking truth.
But I can’t avoid those, I can’t push it down or ignore them… the hard truths.
I have a lot to repair with my family. Mom and Noah came to the rehabilitation centre a few times, dad twice.
Every time I'd ask about Bailey, if she would come for one of the family counselling sessions, Noah or dad would shut it down quickly. I sensed it was causing some issues between them and mom. But it wasn’t until my therapist mentioned to my mom that Bailey and I would benefit from individual therapy as well as couples once my time at the centre was done.
Mom finally let go of the idea and even though I knew she had hoped that because I was in rehab, we were going to be a happy family again.
But rehab isn't a cure all, the work happens after you identify why you got where you are.
I had overheard Noah on the phone with someone before a family session just before Christmas.
He seemed pissed, telling whoever he was talking to that the label was pushing Bailey to do Christmas and New years performances, as well as promotional events for the album.
He said it didn’t matter what they said or did there was no way Bailey was leaving home, or Sadie.
The holidays passed quietly and it left me with time to reflect and sit with my feelings.
Time to work through them, to see the choices I made along the way and why.
Dr Stevens was right, it wasn’t fair of me to put Bailey on an unreachable pedestal.
She never once made me feel less than, she never once treated me or us differently after she was signed…
Bailey has always been Bailey. And it was me that put the distance between us, a distance so great that I could never reach her.
The more I talked about it, the more I looked at it...
I didn’t even know if I actually wanted what I had been chasing.
I loved to play music, I loved the feel of the crowd when they got into a song or a set felt electric.
But playing with Bailey, writing with her…
it felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life.
She was the dream and yet somehow I got it so twisted in my mind that I pushed her away…
so I could feel good enough to be at her side.
I had been home maybe sixty minutes when the urge to explore hit me. Mom was fawning and I needed space. The dry icy January air hit hard when I stepped out of my parents house. I stood on the front porch for a minute just breathing, taking in the four homes that had been built.
From what mom had told me I knew Bailey hadn’t stayed at our… no, her place yet. She has a room at Sadie and Cole’s to help with anything they may need and to be there when the baby is born.
My feet moved without much thought, I guess curiosity about whether she built the home we always talked about or if she changed it.
The door was unlocked and when I stepped inside I almost dropped to my knees.
I had to stand in the doorway holding myself up while I took everything in and let the feelings come.
Finally I stepped into the house that had no furniture, but I could see it because this is the exact house we had been talking about our whole relationship.
I was lost in memory when I heard the door close behind me, soft footsteps followed and then a very pregnant Sadie was standing beside me.
I knew I had tears streaming down my face and before I would have tried to hide them or play them off.
But I can’t do that… I don’t want to anymore.
She stood quietly beside me for a few minutes before saying, “I figured I’d find you here. ”
Ripping off my gloves and shoving them in my coat pockets, I wiped some of the tears from my face, not sure what to say to her.
I fucked up, I missed her wedding, I missed so much and now she is dying and I don’t know what to say.
I could feel her eyes on my face, so I turned to look at her fully.
God… she didn't look like she was dying, with a face so similar to Bailey's, rosy cheeks from the cold and a belly that was making it impossible for her to zip up her jacket.
Dark brown eyes locked on mine and she gave me a soft smile saying, “Hey, Luke.”
I croaked out, “Hey”, as more tears followed.
Sadie gave a sad smile, asking, “You know?”
I nodded trying to get my breathing settled so I could apologize properly, so I could say everything I needed to. But Sadie reached out with hands wrapped in fluffy mittens and wiped my face saying, “It’s good you know, we can skip over all that and get to what we need to talk about.”
Then she turned and walked away, so I followed. We stopped in the kitchen, and someone had brought in a folding table and a couple of chairs.
Sadie gestured to them saying, “She comes here to think or maybe just for quiet.” She scoffed, continuing, “She thinks we don’t know. But every once in a while I will see the smoke coming from the chimney and I know she is here.”
Sadie motioned to the cooktop wood stove that Bailey had on a Pinterest board for years and then moved to one of the cupboards saying, “Can you get a small fire going, it is cold today and I need a tea.” And sure enough there was a basket of fire supplies next to the wood stove and when I turned Sadie had found two mugs, a kettle and Bailey’s favourite tea tucked away out of sight.
We worked in silence, until I had the fire going and when I turned back to Sadie who was watching me quietly, I asked, “Why wouldn’t she want people to know she comes here?”
Sadie motioned for me to sit, her hand wrapped around a steaming mug before answering, “Because that would open up conversation about you.”
I sat next to Sadie, asking, “And she doesn’t talk about me?”
“At first she said she just needed to get through the tour and so I gave her that and then Cole called her and told her to come home.” She takes a sip of her tea, playing with the tag as she continues, “I wanted to give her more time to work through what had happened between you two before more shit got dumped on her, but I am glad Cole called her. I am glad we’ve had this time together.
” I wrapped my hands around my mug listening to Sadie talk.
“She doesn’t talk about you, Luke, but that is because she doesn’t really talk about anything.
She keeps absorbing hit after hit without processing any of it. She….”
Sadie stopped herself, taking a deep breath and then looking at me, searching for something. The words came bubbling out of me, “I am so fucking sorry, Sadie.”
She looked down at the mug in her hands asking, “Why’d you do it?”
That was a loaded question, and could mean a lot of things.
But I knew Sadie and she wasn’t here for herself.
I answered as honestly as I could, with as much as I understood of what I did and why, “The best way I can explain it is, it’s like when a gambling addict keeps losing, but still keeps chasing.
” I swallowed hard, my hands shaking slightly on my mug, but I kept going, “I felt like I had to earn my place beside her, that I wasn’t good enough…
couldn’t stand beside her until I earned my place and I wanted…
no I needed to do it on my own. I needed to know I earned my place beside her.
” Sadie remained quiet at my side, so I kept going, “I kept losing, kept fucking up and then Dave would dangle the next big thing… the next big win. And in my head if I gambled on my relationship with Bailey and won my spot beside her… Then the gamble was worth it. But I never actually stopped to think about what I was doing. Dave kept saying exactly what I wanted to hear, kept dangling the next big thing and I was so busy chasing it, I missed what was going on… that I was getting further away from her instead of closer which is what I wanted… I…” I took a sip of my tea trying to get my thoughts straight, “I started acting like someone who isn’t me.
Like if I played the role… it wasn’t me.
You know? Like I wasn’t the asshole destroying my marriage.
So when I chose to miss the flight to come here for your wedding…
” I didn’t try to blink away the tears, I let them fall as I continued, “I knew. I knew that would be it… but part of me still held on to the fact that Bailey would never leave me… even though I knew… I don’t even really remember being on that stage with Kacey or saying those words. ”
We sat in silence for a while before Sadie broke it saying, “She is going to need you.” I couldn’t answer, couldn’t respond, I dropped my head in shame…
Bailey had needed me for a long time. All she wanted was me and I…
. Sadie continued, “You will need to be patient with her, because she is not ready to deal with you or anything right now. She is not handling losing me well and the closer we get to this munchkin being born, to the timeframe the doctors gave me…” She paused, adjusting in her seat and rubbing a spot on her belly, “She is barely hanging on and it doesn’t matter what any of us say.
She is giving everyone else what she thinks we need and she will be there for my little girl…
but she will need someone to be here for her…
because when Bailey finally breaks…” I looked over at Sadie who was furiously wiping tears away from her face and then her eyes locked on mine and I felt every word, “I can handle dying because my daughter will live and get to be surrounded by so much love. I know Cole and Bailey will give her the world… but I need you to promise me something Luke.” I didn’t know what she was asking, but I nodded and she continued, “When Bailey breaks it will only be you who will be able to help put her back together…” I went to protest, telling her I am the last person Bailey would want to rely on.
But Sadie held up a hand and kept going, “She chose you, Luke… When I asked her to wait to get married, when I told her I thought you two were too young. She looked at me with a blinding smile and so much love in her eyes and said, ‘he’s my person’, like that was all the explanation she needed, but for Bailey it was. Because Bailey chose you.”
Sadie wiped tears from her face and then reached out and placed a hand on mine, “I hate what you did to her Luke and if you weren’t the only person in this whole world who could help… I probably wouldn't be here. But… Bailey will break and when she does she needs you ready.”
She squeezed my hand and we both sat with what she just said.
Eventually Sadies scooted her chair closer to mine and rested her head on my shoulder, some kind of peace offering and we talked.
She told me about the day she found out she was pregnant and the day she found out she was dying and then she asked me for one more favour.