Chapter 36 - Worthy
Eight days married. Eighteen days apart.
No matter how many times the sun had risen and fallen since I last saw him, it was like no time had passed at all.
Riyan floated in the dark abyss in the place West of the Moon and East of the Sun as if he were suspended in the middle of the sea. Somehow he did not look fifteen feet tall, but instead the same size as his father.
Though he was little more than an apparition in the blackness, I still knew him. What was trapped in the place between worlds was not just Riyan’s mind, it was his barest, truest soul.
And he was exactly as I had always known him.
His golden hair swept across his collarbone. His chest rippled with waves of muscle. A peaceful smile rested on his strong jaw.
I nearly pushed through the blackness to wrap my arms around his bicep when a small ribbon of white light slowly coiled in the dark space around Riyan.
His twilight blue eyes followed the light and he smiled wide enough that the precious dimple on his right cheek appeared. “There you are, Sera. Getting brighter every time.”
I furrowed my brows but then my heart swelled. He was not seeing me, he was seeing my magic.
I knew the Man of the Mountain arbitrated my twists of reality from the bottom of his pit, but I had no idea I created a spectacle when I channeled my power.
Riyan’s eyes followed the dancing ribbon of light. “Let’s see if you can hear me this time.”
He pushed himself through the chasm until he was right next to the ribbon of magic. My magic burned brighter, casting its glow on his chiseled face. His smile widened and he sang:
“Just as blossoms bloom and wither,
But still grow upon the bough,
Even though I am not with her,
She is still with me somehow.”
My lip trembled as a smile stretched across my face. The tune I had heard in my mind and in my dreams was his song. It was him all along.
It was always him.
The white fire inside me swayed to the music and the ribbon of magic around Riyan brightened. He let out an exuberant laugh and kept singing.
“Untouched by the endless winter,
I’m still warm even now,
For even though I am not with her,
She is still with me somehow.”
I needed him. Needed him.
Magic tingled against my skin, pulling my body further into the water. Slowly, my fingertips left the edge of the pool as the swirls of magic carried me away.
I could not be afraid. Riyan was there.
My chest was alight with white fire. My limbs shivered from thousands of tears of lost love pulling me into that space between worlds.
Just as I stretched out my arms to embrace him, my hands hit an invisible barrier. I scowled and pushed again, but the barrier would not budge.
Damn it! My magic still was not strong enough to transport me! Was I not worthy enough to let the magic take me to him?
No, I could not admit defeat. I had to be more to Riyan than just white light in a dark chasm. He had to see me.
The ribbon of light around Riyan perked up like a serpent and rushed toward me.
Suddenly every part of my body was aglow.
Riyan’s head swiveled around as he followed the tail of the ribbon. When his eyes met mine, he froze.
My heart dropped into my stomach. I had not thought this through. How was I supposed to face him again after the Darkest Night? Or after I became Derrick’s mistress? Or failed to save Brandt?
Though I tried to dim my own light, Riyan’s smile was incandescent.
“You heard me?” he asked. His eyes sparkled even in the abyss.
I gave him a tight smile and nodded. I swallowed my shame and forced myself to speak. “Riyan, I am sorry.”
His brows knitted. “What could you be sorry for?”
How could I tell him? “So much has changed since you saw me last…”
“I know.” He moved closer through the darkness. His head was slightly above mine, even though I still felt so far away. “I’ve seen it in your magic. Every time you reached for your power when you were scared, or panicked, or angry…I knew.”
My stomach knotted. “Do you know everything?”
He frowned. “No. I forced my way down to that old man at the bottom of the pit and demanded he tell me, but the only answers I got were the patterns in your magic.”
My mouth suddenly went dry. I had to tell him. “Riyan I—”
“You don’t have to tell me.” He shook his head and gave me a half smile. “Each time you were in distress, you got stronger. Your magic, it…it kept getting brighter so I knew you were okay.”
My magic might have been stronger, but my soul still felt weak. I had to free the ugly truth. “But Riyan—”
“But nothing, Sera,” he said with a laugh. “I know you. Everything you could have done was for your own survival and that is all I want—all I have ever wanted.”
Why was he not letting me confess to the evils I had committed?
“Really?” I said. “I got Brandt Olson killed. I wasted myself on faerie dust and revealed the North’s weakness.” Tears threatened the backs of my eyes and my voice broke. “Anders Hyton slipped me a lust potion and Derrick…did not know. Anders is dead, but the slimy taste of that potion has never left my throat.”
Riyan’s face softened. “Sera, don’t you dare blame yourself—”
“And then I became Derrick’s mistress so I could get access to him.” I folded my arms. “I am in his bed every night, manipulating his mind while he sleeps.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. “Don’t do this. I’m already in a damn gap between life and death and you still think you can push me away?”
Push him away? I was only pushing him to see the truth!
“I am a monster and a failure.” My nails bit into my forearms and my body shook. “And even though I have everything I had ever wanted in Hyton Palace, I am still trying every damn day to save you.”
His face hardened. “The hell you are!”
My heart jumped into my throat. Maybe he never wanted to see me again after what I had just admitted, but saving him was not about me.
“But you do not understand!” I pleaded. “The Hytons kept Fraleigh enslaved since the beginning and Ganora will trade her freedom for yours. I am so close to getting Derrick to unshackle her—”
“No, you do not understand.” Even the chasm between worlds trembled at the depth of the power in his voice. “You are not a monster or a failure and you are not supposed to save me.”
Why was he being so damn dense? “But if I do not free Fraleigh by the full moon, Ganora will blood bond with your body to use as a weapon against the Hytons! You will be trapped in the place West of the Moon and East of the Sun forever!”
“Then let her.” His face was hard as stone. “That was my bargain, remember? My life for yours.”
He sounded just like Fraleigh. “But—”
“The bargain was that you live your life.” He leaned forward, matching my obstination with his own. “So be with Derrick. Swim in luxury. Have your faerie-story happy ending.”
Fire flared through my veins. “You think this is my happy ending?”
“It should be. We had an agreement too, remember? You promised me you would try to be happy.”
My chest rattled with a sob. Although I was always following my heart’s desire, I still could not say I was happy. No matter how hard I tried, that is where I had constantly failed him.
I looked away and let my heart thud against my ribs for a couple of moments before Riyan’s soft voice filled the chasm. “I fell in love with you because of your laugh, you know.”
I knitted my brows and looked up at him. “How is it even possible to fall in love because of something so small?”
He smiled. “You were already so impressive, but that laugh of yours?” His smile widened and warmed his voice. “The flush in your cheeks, the unbridled joy in your voice, the sparkle in your eyes…if I could have bottled your laughter and carried it with me, I would have never felt afraid again. And on my birthday, when you rolled around in the Bloodstone lilies and laughed so beautifully the flowers opened up even more just to hear it?”
My lip trembled, but Riyan’s smile only got brighter. “That was it—I loved you. Nothing you ever said or did was going to change that my heart beat in time to the beautiful melody of your laughter. If I was going to do anything worthwhile with my life, it was to make sure you kept laughing.”
My heart sank into my stomach as if it were made of lead.
When was the last time I laughed?
“Serafina Helia…just please tell me you’re still laughing.”
My hand floated through the water to press over my aching heart.
I had not laughed once since he left me.
Hurt flashed across his face as my silence became the answer he dreaded. “You promised me, Sera! You promised you would try to be happy!”
I threw my hand down through the water. “I tried, Riyan! This whole time, I tried!”
“Try harder. Eat something decadent. Go sit by yourself and sew. Wrap yourself in all the Hyton jewels!”
“You think that will make me happy? Isolation and riches?”
“No!”
“Seeing the Bloodstone lilies made me happy.” My chest shook even as my magic held me steady. “Reading faerie stories with you made me happy. Or when we shared meals. Or when you laughed in the face of darkness over and over.”
Riyan’s shoulders dropped. “Serafina, don’t—”
“You.” Though my white flame was bright as the sun within my chest, my lungs tightened. I took a tiny sip of air as I fought a sob. “ You made me happy. At first I could not untangle what was magic and what was real between us. Then I convinced myself nothing was ever there because I could not bear the thought that I had lost you.”
“Serafina, please—”
“I buried myself in lies until I choked.” My heart raced and my chest tightened. “I told myself that I never knew you, or that you never could have loved me, but the problem was never you, it was me. ”
Riyan’s eyes watered. “Sera, stop.”
“I have everything I ever wanted in this damn palace, but I am suffocating without you. I only breathe when I am with you!”
His stunned silence was deafening. My throat trembled, but I forced out the words. “How can you expect me to be happy when I cannot even breathe?”
The weight of the past eighteen days crashed down on me all at once. The poison. The violation. The failed plans. The burden of Derrick’s fragile state.
My heart thudded against my ribs as I sobbed. I ran my thumb over the scrap of linen fabric as an invisible fist gripped my lungs tighter and tighter.
“Sera!” Riyan raised his hands to try to hold my face, but his fingers hit the invisible barrier between worlds.
He snarled in frustration and pushed. The barrier gave a little under his immense strength, but would not break.
The magic weakened in the water around me and my heart pounded faster. My magic was failing me. I was going to drown.
Riyan’s palms flattened against the invisible barrier. “Breathe, sweetheart. Breathe.”
My eyes clouded with tears as I struggled to get in air, but my hands slowly floated up to meet Riyan’s on the side of the living world.
I could not be afraid. Riyan was there.
I let out a cool, shaking breath as my heartbeat started to calm down. His soft words of encouragement traced my ears and my chest filled up with life again. I blinked away my tears and looked into his eyes that were beautiful as the open sky.
My white flame spun, pushing out the warmest truth I could tell. “I love you, Riyan.”
He smiled, showing off his sweet dimple. “I know—I’ve known since I got here.” He laughed softly. “You said it in my mind before I left.”
My heart swelled. He did hear me on Nordingaard.
My eyes dropped to the bits of white fabric peeking out from behind my palm. I was not yet powerful enough to transport myself, but what about a tiny scrap of linen?
I closed my eyes, focusing on the magic within the fabric. The tears sparkled back at me and my white flame spilled my love into them, twisting the warmth of the water around my hands until nothing was left in my fingertips.
Go to Riyan. Show him I love him.
I opened my eyes and the fabric was in Riyan’s right hand.
I smiled. “Until you see me again, you have a piece of my heart to hold on to.”
He closed his fist around the fabric, but his face fell. “Serafina, I mean it. Do not come for me.”
I pressed against the perimeter and opened my mouth to argue, but he silenced me with a smile. “Mother is here. She’s young, so it’s more like having a younger sister, but she finally knows me. And…” He swallowed and glanced away for only a moment. “…and I don’t have to face my father either. So, I’m fine here. Don’t risk anything for me.”
My hands curled into fists against the barrier. “You cannot stop me.”
Riyan smiled despite himself. “I know.” He pushed against the barrier again and his smile turned wicked. “You’re still my little ball of fire.”
I leaned closer to the barrier, my lips flush and full. The separation between worlds had not yielded to brute force, but maybe if I pushed, I could be close enough for a kiss…
The bedchamber door crashed open, jolting me upright. The chasm started to fade around me.
“Serafina! Where are you?”
Derrick’s voice sounded far away, but in reality he was mere steps from the bathing chamber.
I could not let him find me using sorcery.
I snuffed out my magic and Riyan disappeared. The pool stopped glowing. The crystal cooled against my neck and the tears quieted against my skin.
Derrick raced through his chambers and gripped the frame of the open panel. “What are you doing?”
I took one look at his wide eyes before I crashed through the surface of the water.
The water was cold and dark, but I held my breath and ripped the choker from my neck. I released the crystal from my hand. Just as it started to sink, a big splash disturbed the water. My lungs burned as my limbs flailed in the water, trying to find the surface.
Bubbles surged past me and then a chill washed over my skin. My hands pressed against tile as I coughed.
Derrick crushed me to his chest and water dripped from his cheek onto my temple. The cold gems across his ribs pressed into my skin. He had jumped into the pool fully clothed to pull me out.
We were both shivering, but he would not let go of me.
“You nearly drowned!” he cried into my wet hair. “I cannot lose you. I cannot, I c-cannot…”
I held my breath as all the warmth in my chest disappeared. Guilt seeped down my spine as Derrick shook around me.
The moment I left Hyton Palace to save Riyan, I was going to destroy Derrick.