Chapter 50 - Awake
July
I loved him.
The echo of what we could have been sings in my mind, leaving space for nothing else as I run up the stairs with the others.
In the minutes following another invisible blow from Roden, we steal painful hugs and goodbyes, tears and promises.
Galen is the last to go, his face a carousel of masks: pain, disbelief and longing for something he was forced to believe true.
Until there’s just us.
Reality washes over me like a winter’s first, timid snowfall that grows confident by the second, slicing my heart with its cruel, sharp flakes.
I inhale through my teeth, blinking away a veil of confusion and denial.
“If Roden takes me back, I don’t think he’ll let me return to you this time.” I hate the weakness in my voice.
Kris gently tilts my chin up, imploring me to look at him.
“This time, I will find you. I’m not going anywhere, July…” His voice is soft like his lips on my forehead. “And we will make him pay.”
I search for a speck of doubt in his bright green eyes and find none.
I take his hand in mine, studying the thin lines on his palm and running a finger across his skin as he observes me in silence. His breath is warm on my cheek when he lowers his head to follow my moves.
I sigh, kissing his fingertips one by one before pressing his hand over my heart.
“I will harvest Roden’s rotten soul with my bare hands to take back the happiness he denied us all these years.
I will do it one kernel at a time while he watches his daughter slowly taking his life.
I want him to witness the monster he created… ”
My heart races beneath his hand. When our eyes meet again, a fire is burning behind Kris’, his chest expanding with his every deep breath.
“If vengeance is what you seek, I’ll stand by you. Always. We can be Roden’s downfall, until it’s time to reclaim our peace.” He bites his lips, pushing back the same need I struggle to ignore.
My hands travel up his forearms, and I grab him by the shoulders, gently pushing him against the wall but leaving him no room to protest.
Before someone sees us, before Roden breaks us apart again. Before we remember that there is a war out there. Before any dark thoughts can stop me—our mouths crush.
I forget to breathe, treasuring every second I have left to learn the shape of his strong back— again; his muscles twitching and tensing every time my nails dig in.
My lips slowly remember how to move best to savour his, until my body shivers with pleasure when he decides to abandon my mouth and gift my neck with light touches of his lips.
When his teeth find the more sensitive spot below my ear, I squeak, gaining a guttural laugh from his end.
“You used to like that…” he breathes against my tender skin, tracing the outer shape of my ear with his lips.
“I’m sure she loved a lot of things you two did. But you won’t be able to show her without a limb. Or without your life.” Nikrah’s voice ripples down the upper level, making us jump. “Now—move up here, you romantic idiot!”
Flushed-face and short of breath, I silence a giggle by nuzzling Kris’ shirt, my hands lingering over the hardness of his chest. When I look up, his eyes are glazed as they rove over my face, pausing on my mouth, surely swollen like his.
“Come back to me. With all your limbs attached,” I mumble, straightening his shirt that has crumpled under my fingers as they rediscover familiar skin and muscles.
“I have to.” He leans forward to place a chaste kiss on my cheek, making my heart flutter with the blurred memory of someone I’ve known for a long time. “You’ve hidden my soul and I can’t live for too long without it…especially with what’s left of it inside me.”
My jaw drops. My heart sinks, and the floor starts shaking violently. But the dread it causes is nothing compared to the paralysing voice whispering in my head.
Hello, my child.
A kernel. This is all Kris has left. I nearly harvested it all and, no matter what I hid in the caves, if I take the last bit—he will die.
You see it now. Roden’s voice is so strong that I search everywhere for him.
“July, what’s wrong?”
“Roden has made it through the fence…”
All I ask you is to harvest that little kernel for me. And everyone else will be free. Even Jyn. He’s still breathing, but…for how long— that’s up to you. Oh, and sweet Sable—
“No!” I shout at the ceiling, shutting my eyes, nearly dropping to my knees if it wasn’t for a pair of strong hands keeping me up.
“Push him out, July.” Kristyon slowly caresses my temple with his knuckles, giving me the strength to reopen my eyes.
Every breath I take burns my chest as if I’m fighting Roden’s presence like an infection. I nod frantically, losing myself in Kris’ eyes, until my mind is clear again.
He smiles—one last loving smile before I have to accept the truth.
“I have to go.” My words are so broken, I struggle to hear myself. Tears run warm on my cheeks as I interlace my fingers with his. Only for a second. Enough to carve the feeling of his touch in my mind. The shade of his eyes, always brighter when he looks at me.
I let him go, dropping my gaze to my hands, now holding only memories. I force my eyes down as he remains quiet for a moment.
His boots start moving, turning away from me before he stops on his way to the stairs. “When you’re far away, remember I loved you from the first time you threatened to harvest my soul with a teaspoon…”
You disappoint me, Roden creeps inside my mind once again as I cling to the key at my neck. But a smile slowly comes to my lips. His voice quivers with something coating his usual tone of command: doubt. Distress.
Hello, Father. I send my thoughts as deep as possible, hoping the invisible channel between us works both ways.
I’m coming for you. My mind explodes—a bright purple light bursts behind my eyes before turning red. I jerk my head up, gulping air, my arms wide at my sides, my back arched.
Like scorching rain, images from the past drip inside my mind. Hands, hundreds of them, reach out for me. Trembling, scarred, bleeding. I can’t see their faces, but I know they’re calling my name while I’m running away.
Save us…
Darkness is all around me, but warm, loving light bursts from my hands. This is what those hands want and what I cannot give away.
Save us…
I didn’t choose them. I didn’t listen to them. I let Roden turn them red while I hid my monstrous, selfish soul in a cave.
I’m not the one you would have to forgive—you are. And I’m worried you won’t be able to…