Chapter 37 #3
She had convinced herself she could endure it.
Because somewhere in the world, Lingling was still there.
Alive.
Breathing.
Existing beneath the same sky.
That thought had been enough.
Back then.
But everything changed seven months ago.
Seeing Lingling again had been both the greatest blessing...
...and the cruelest punishment fate had ever given her.
Because after seeing her...
After hearing her voice...
After standing only inches away from her...
Going back to Bangkok had become impossible.
Every sunrise reminded her that Lingling woke up without her.
Every sunset reminded her another day had passed without hearing her laugh.
Every meal reminded her of the foods Lingling loved.
Every song.
Every café.
Every flower shop.
Every blue hydrangea she accidentally passed cause Lingling always brought her though she's allergic to pollen.
Everything became Lingling.
Bangkok was no longer a city.
It had become a prison built entirely from memories.
And every single day...
Orm served a life sentence.
The updates she received from Lingling's mother were never enough.
"Lingling smiled today."
"She ate well."
"She's beginning to paint again."
"She slept peacefully."
They should have comforted her.
Instead...
They shattered her.
Because those little updates only reminded Orm that Lingling was learning how to live again...
Without her.
Orm buried her face in her hands.
"I can't..."
Her breathing became uneven.
"I can't do this anymore..."
The confession escaped as nothing more than a whisper.
"I can't..."
For months she had lied.
To everyone.
To her mother.
To Junji.
To Fluke.
To Sean.
To her therapist.
Even to herself.
"I'm okay."
"I'll get through this."
"I'm getting better."
She had repeated those words so many times that everyone almost believed them.
Everyone...
Except Orm.
Because every night, after everyone stopped calling...
After the lights went out...
She would curl up on the floor beside her bed or beside her son's crib and cry until dawn.
Some mornings she woke with swollen eyes.
Other mornings...
She wondered if waking up was worth it at all.
She had smiled during video calls.
Be a responsible mother to Liam.
Do company work.
Draft another building blueprints.
Finished meetings.
Held conversations.
She played the role of someone who was healing.
But the truth?
She hadn't healed.
Not even a little.
She had simply become better at hiding the wound.
And now...
She couldn't pretend anymore.
With trembling fingers, Orm reached for her phone.
The screen blurred through her tears.
She called the three people she knew would come.
Her mother.
Junji.
Fluke.
Less than an hour later, hurried knocks echoed through her apartment.
The moment the door opened...
Everything she'd been desperately holding together finally collapsed.
Her mother gasped.
Junji covered her mouth.
Fluke froze.
Orm looked nothing like herself.
She had grown thinner.
Dark circles stained the skin beneath her eyes.
Her lips had lost their color.
She looked like someone who had forgotten what hope felt like.
No...
She looked like someone who had been surviving instead of living.
The second her mother stepped toward her, Orm burst into tears.
Not graceful tears.
Not silent ones.
She broke apart completely.
"I can't do this anymore."
Her voice was barely recognizable.
"I have to go."
She looked at each of them as though begging them to save her from herself.
"I have to see her."
She clutched her chest.
"It hurts so much."
"So... so much."
"I think..."
She couldn't finish.
She doubled over as another sob tore through her.
"I think I'm going crazy."
"I need to see her."
"Even if it's only from far away."
"Even if she never knows I was there."
"Even if she never looks at me again."
"I just..."
She pressed both hands against her heart as if trying to stop it from falling apart.
"I just need to know she's real."
Her mother's face crumpled.
No parent should ever have to watch their child suffer like this.
She wanted to tell Orm everything would be okay.
But she couldn't.
Because it wouldn't.
Not today.
Maybe not ever.
Fluke swallowed hard before forcing himself to speak.
"Orm..."
His own voice trembled.
"You remember what the therapist explained."
He paused, unable to look directly into her eyes.
"Lingling's mind... freezes whenever she's confronted with familiar people from her past."
"She could relapse."
"She could panic."
"Seeing you might hurt her."
His words felt like knives.
Orm nodded before he'd even finished.
"I know."
She knew.
She knew every single risk.
She had memorized every medical explanation.
Every warning.
Every possibility.
She had repeated them to herself every night.
But none of them eased the ache inside her chest.
"I know she might never want to see me."
"I know she may never love me again."
"I know."
She inhaled shakily.
"But every morning I wake up..."
"...and she's not beside me."
"I reach for her without thinking."
"My hand still searches for her."
"And every single morning..."
"My heart has to learn all over again..."
"...that she's gone."
Junji's tears spilled freely.
She stepped forward and cupped Orm's face with trembling hands.
"We know."
"Oh, Orm..."
"We know."
"You've been carrying this all by yourself."
"But what if seeing her makes everything worse?"
Orm slowly shook her head.
"I won't."
"I won't hurt her."
"I swear."
"I won't let her see me."
"I won't go near her."
"I won't speak to her."
"I won't even breathe too loudly if it means protecting her."
Her voice broke again.
"I just..."
"I just need to exist somewhere near her."
"So I can tell myself..."
"...that I haven't completely lost the love of my life."
Silence swallowed the room.
Her mother slowly approached before kneeling in front of her daughter.
She reached up and gently wiped Orm's tears away.
"My child..."
Her own voice trembled uncontrollably.
"You haven't only lost Lingling."
"We're losing you too."
"You have to take care of yourself. Liam needs you. Please fight for yourself and for him."
Those words shattered whatever strength Orm had left.
She collapsed into her mother's embrace.
"I know."
Her voice was barely audible.
"I know."
"I'm trying."
"I swear I'm trying."
"But I'm so tired, Mom."
"So tired."
She clung to her mother like a little girl again.
"I'm exhausted from pretending."
"Every day feels like drowning."
"I don't remember what happiness feels like anymore."
"I don't remember how to smile without forcing it."
"I don't remember who I was before all of this."
She looked up through swollen eyes.
"I am broken."
The words came out so quietly they almost disappeared.
"I really am."
"But if I could just see her..."
"Even for one minute."
"Maybe..."
"Maybe my heart will remember how to keep beating."
She sank weakly into the nearest chair, unable to keep herself standing.
Her hands covered her face.
"I feel like I'm dying."
"No..."
She shook her head.
"It feels worse than dying."
"Because dying only happens once."
"This..."
She let out another broken sob.
"This happens every single day."
Fluke's hand rested gently on her shoulder.
"What if seeing her doesn't help?"
"What if it destroys both of you?"
Orm slowly lifted her head.
Her eyes were empty.
"Nothing can be worse than this."
The room fell silent.
No one argued.
Because they all knew.
They had witnessed a love so deep that even fate couldn't erase it.
And they had watched that same love slowly destroy two people who had never deserved any of it.
That night, Orm's mother called Lingling's parents.
Orm sat nearby, listening silently.
Every word felt heavier than the last.
"...Orm hasn't been the same..."
Her mother's voice broke.
"...not since..."
She covered her mouth as she cried.
"...not since she tried to take her own life months ago."
Silence.
A suffocating...
Heartbreaking silence.
No one spoke on the other end.
Then...
The sound of quiet sobbing.
Lingling's parents.
They cried too.
Not because they were surprised.
But because they understood.
Perhaps more than anyone.
They had watched their own daughter wake up with the samw emptiness.
They had watched Lingling smile without understanding why tears sometimes appeared whenever she looked at the sky.
They had watched her unconsciously holding her heart as if it's breaking all over again.
They knew suffering.
They lived with it every day.
Lingling's mother finally spoke.
Her voice was fragile.
Breaking.
"We'll make arrangements."
There was another pause.
"You can stay in the house near from ours."
"You'll be able to see her..."
"...from a safe distance."
"But she must never know you're there."
Orm closed her eyes.
Fresh tears rolled silently down her cheeks.
It was enough.
It had to be.
The Kwong family prepared a small house just a few doors away from their own.
Close enough for Orm to catch fleeting glimpses of Lingling.
Far enough to protect the fragile progress Lingling had made.
It was the cruelest kind of mercy.
Junji looked at her one last time before they left for the airport.
"Orm..."
"What if seeing her every day hurts even more?"
"What if this slowly destroys what's left of you?"
Orm smiled.
It was small.
Weak.
Painfully empty.
"It's already destroying me."
She looked toward the rain-soaked window.
"Not seeing her..."
"...is what kills me."
Fluke didn't trust himself to speak.
Instead, he wrapped his arms around her tightly.
A hug that carried every goodbye.
Every prayer.
Every fear.
Late that night, Orm boarded the plane bound for Paris.
She had filed a leave of absence from work.
Liam would stay with her mother until she returned.
As the aircraft slowly lifted into the night sky, Orm rested her forehead against the cold window.
The city lights beneath her became smaller...