Chapter 38 #3
Because that was the cruelest part.
Watching someone you love learn to breathe again...
Only to realize they no longer needed the air you once gave them.
Watching them become happy...
While your own world remained frozen in the moment they walked away.
That kind of pain didn't kill you.
It simply made you live with a heart that forgot how to beat.
-
One quiet evening, Junji and Fluke arrived in Paris.
The two of them spent the day with Lingling, laughing together like old times back in Bangkok.
They walked familiar streets.
Shared meals.
Told stories.
For a few precious hours...
Lingling genuinely looked happy.
When the day ended, Junji and Fluke made their way to the small apartment where Orm had been staying.
The room was dimly lit.
Half-eaten instant noodles rested on the table.
Photographs of Liam and Lingling covered one wall.
Junji looked around and felt her chest tighten.
This wasn't an apartment.
It was a shrine built from longing.
Orm sat quietly beside the window, eyes fixed on the house across where Lingling's lights still glowed.
"You've lost weight," Junji murmured.
Orm simply smiled.
She hadn't noticed.
Or perhaps...
She no longer cared.
Junji slowly set her coffee on the table.
Her voice was barely above a whisper.
"You're tearing yourself apart, Orm."
Silence.
Heavy.
Suffocating.
Fluke finally spoke.
"This plan of yours..."
He sighed deeply.
"It's reckless."
He looked toward the window where Lingling's room stood in the distance.
"How long are you going to keep following her around like this?"
His voice softened.
"If one day Lingling notice you, she might eventually think you're a stalker."
Orm lowered her gaze to the untouched coffee growing cold between her hands.
For a long moment...
She said nothing.
Then she smiled.
A heartbreakingly small smile.
"I'll take that risk."
Her voice was calm.
Too calm.
The kind of calm that only came after crying so much there were no tears left.
"If it means she's safe..."
"If it means she never has to feel alone again..."
"If it means she gets to keep smiling..."
She looked back toward the glowing window across the street.
The tears she had been holding finally slipped free.
Slowly.
Silently.
"I'd rather spend the rest of my life being the villain in her story..."
"...than watch the love of my life disappear because I wasn't there to protect her."
Her lips trembled.
"So if she ends up hating me..."
Orm forced another broken smile.
"...then I'll treasure that hatred."
"Because at least..."
Her voice cracked completely.
"...it means she still remembers my name."
No one spoke after that.
Junji lowered her head.
Fluke quietly wiped his eyes.
There were no words capable of comforting someone who had willingly chosen to become invisible for the sake of the person she loved.
So they did the only thing friends could do.
They stayed.
In silence.
Keeping Orm company...
As she continued loving Lingling from a distance that felt far greater than the miles between them.
-
The first birthday arrived.
It had been exactly one year.
One year since Orm had moved from Bangkok to settle in Paris.
One year of choosing distance over desire.
One year of loving someone from the shadows because loving her openly had become the cruelest thing she could do.
Even now, Orm still lived in the little house beside Lingling's.
So close that on quiet nights she could sometimes see the lights from Lingling's bedroom through the curtains.
So close that she knew when Lingling left for work.
When she returned home.
When she watered the flowers in the garden.
When she sat alone on the porch after sunset.
So painfully close...
Yet impossibly far.
That morning, the neighborhood stirred awake beneath the gentle warmth of the rising sun.
Birds chirped from the trees.
The breeze carried the scent of freshly cut grass.
Everything looked peaceful.
As if the world had forgotten that today was someone's birthday.
Lingling woke early that morning.
Just as she did every year.
Her father and younger brother invited her to spend the morning fishing by the lake, hoping to distract her from another birthday that somehow never felt complete.
She smiled politely and agreed.
"I'll be back this afternoon," Lingling said to her mother before climbing into the car.
Her mother kissed her forehead.
"Drive safely guys."
As the vehicle disappeared down the road...
Another door quietly opened.
Orm stepped outside.
She waited until the car was completely gone before taking a shaky breath.
Then she hurried toward the supermarket.
She wandered through every aisle with a basket in her hands.
Flour.
Butter.
Fresh bananas.
Dark chocolate.
Eggs.
Vanilla.
Heavy cream.
Every ingredient found its way into her basket without hesitation.
She didn't need a recipe anymore.
She had memorized it years ago.
She could probably bake it with her eyes closed.
Because this wasn't simply Lingling's favorite cake.
It was a memory.
One she had protected inside her heart for years.
As she picked up the ripe bananas, a small smile tugged at her lips despite the ache in her chest.
She remembered how Lingling's eyes sparkled brighter than the afternoon sun when Orm open the cake box in Khon Kaen.
"This is the best cake I've ever tasted."
Orm had laughed.
"You're exaggerating."
"I'm serious."
Lingling dramatically placed a hand over her heart.
"If anyone bakes me a chocolate banana cake this good for a lifetime..."
She looked directly into Orm's eyes.
"...I'll marry her over and over."
Orm had blushed so hard she nearly dropped the knife.
Lingling only laughed louder before stealing another slice.
The memory disappeared the moment Orm blinked.
She found herself standing in line at the cashier.
Alone.
The basket suddenly felt heavier than it should have.
The cashier handed Orm the paper bag with a gentle smile.
"Have a wonderful day."
Orm forced a smile in return.
"You too."
The words felt foreign on her tongue.
Because there hadn't been a wonderful day in a very long time.
She stepped out of the grocery store, carefully cradling the ingredients against her chest as if they were something fragile.
She walked slowly through the familiar streets, letting the breeze brush against her face.
Before she realized it, she was already standing in front of the place that had once welcomed her as family.
The Kwong residence.
She stood there for several moments, unable to move.
This house had witnessed so many versions of her.
Her trembling fingers reached for the doorbell.
Before she could press it-
The front door slowly opened.
As though someone had been waiting.
Lingling's mother stood there.
Their gazes met.
Neither of them spoke.
There were no greetings.
No questions.
No awkward explanations.
Because there were no words capable of carrying years of longing.
Orm's lips quivered.
The older woman's eyes immediately filled with tears.
Without another thought...
They walked toward one another.
Then embraced.
It wasn't a polite hug.
It wasn't brief.
It was the kind of embrace shared by two people who had been carrying the exact same grief in different ways.
Orm buried her face against the older woman's shoulder.
The moment she felt those familiar arms around her-
Everything she had been holding together finally shattered.
Her knees nearly gave out.
Her body shook violently as sobs escaped her chest.
Not quiet tears.
Not graceful crying.
But the ugly, broken cries of someone who had spent years pretending she was okay.
Lingling's mother tightened her embrace immediately, one hand gently cradling the back of Orm's head while the other rubbed soothing circles against her back.
Exactly the way a mother comforts her child after a nightmare.
"My dear..."
Her own voice was already trembling.
Orm clutched the older woman's blouse like someone drowning.
"I..."
She couldn't finish.
Another sob interrupted her.
She inhaled shakily before whispering the truth she had never stopped carrying.
"I still miss her..."
Her shoulders trembled harder.
"...every single day."
"I know."
"I wake up looking for her."
Orm's voice broke apart.
"I still instinctively reach for my phone whenever something good happens..."
"...because she's still the first person I want to tell."
A tear rolled down her cheek.
"Then I remember..."
Her breathing hitched.
"...I'm no longer allowed to."
Lingling's mother closed her eyes.
Fresh tears escaped despite her efforts to remain strong.
Orm continued speaking through broken breaths.
"I miss her..."
"...even when she's only a few steps away."
Her lips trembled uncontrollably.
"It hurts..."
"...because I can see her."
Another sob escaped.
"I know she's smiling again."
"I know she's living."
"I know she's finally finding happiness..."
Her voice cracked into pieces.
"...but I can't be part of that happiness anymore."
Silence followed.
The kind of silence filled with cries instead of words.
Lingling's mother could no longer hold back.
She began crying too.
Not loudly.
Just quietly.
Like someone mourning something that was still alive.
"I know, sweetheart..."
She whispered between tears.
"I know."
There was nothing else to say.
Some heartbreaks were too deep for advice.
Some losses couldn't be fixed.
Sometimes...
The greatest comfort was simply knowing someone else understood exactly how much it hurt.
Still holding onto one another, they eventually walked into the kitchen.
Together, they unpacked the ingredients.
Neither of them needed instructions anymore.
Orm measured the flour.
Lingling's mother sifted it carefully.
Eggs were cracked into a glass bowl.
Butter slowly melted.
Dark chocolate softened over gentle heat.
Bananas were mashed until smooth.
Not a single measurement had changed.
Not one ingredient.
Not one step.