Chapter 38 #4
Because changing the recipe somehow felt like betraying the memory attached to it.
As though even replacing a teaspoon of vanilla would erase the version of Lingling who had once smiled after tasting it.
The rhythmic sound of the whisk filled the room.
Soft.
Steady.
Almost comforting.
Lingling's mother watched the batter slowly come together before smiling sadly.
"This..."
She gently traced the edge of the mixing bowl.
"...was the very first cake you ever baked for her."
Orm smiled faintly.
"In Khon Kaen."
The older woman nodded.
"Lingling took a picture of it and sent it to us. She said you baked it for her."
Orm laughed softly through her tears.
"I was terrified."
"I thought she'd hate it."
"I remember standing beside her with the cake..."
"...thinking she'd politely take one bite before throwing it away."
A watery laugh escaped her.
"But instead..."
Another tear rolled down.
"...she ate almost half the cake by herself."
Lingling's mother laughed too.
The sound lasted only a moment before emotion caught her throat again.
"That sounds exactly like my Lingling."
Orm smiled.
For the first time that day...
It looked genuine.
"She kept pretending she wasn't impressed."
The memory warmed her aching heart.
"She criticized the frosting..."
"...said it wasn't sweet enough."
She laughed quietly.
"But when I looked away..."
"...she secretly took another slice."
"And another."
"And another."
Lingling's mother covered her mouth as she laughed through tears.
"She really did that?"
Orm nodded.
"She thought I didn't notice."
The smile on her face slowly faded as another memory surfaced.
"I remember years ago while we celebrated one of her birthday."
Her voice became quieter.
Fragile.
"She said..."
"...whoever baked her a chocolate banana cake..."
Orm struggled to continue.
Tears blurred her vision.
"...she would marry them immediately."
Silence settled over the kitchen.
Neither woman laughed this time.
Neither smiled.
Because both of them knew-
Lingling had never been joking.
She had meant every single word.
And somewhere between promises...
Wrong timing...
Unspoken feelings...
A desperate mistake...
And sacrifices made out of love...
Life had quietly stolen the future they should have had.
The batter was poured into the pan.
The oven door closed.
Then time began moving again.
Slowly.
Painfully.
As the cake baked, the rich scent of chocolate and banana gradually spread through the house.
Warm.
Sweet.
Comforting.
It wrapped around every room like an old memory refusing to fade.
Orm closed her eyes.
The aroma carried her back to Khon Kaen.
Back to that birthday.
Back to the girl who laughed with frosting on the corner of her lips.
Back to the woman who looked at her as though she had already found home.
Her chest tightened.
For one impossible moment...
She allowed herself to imagine another life.
A kinder one.
A life where both of them had simply been brave enough.
Where neither of them had hidden behind fear.
Where Orm had confessed first.
Where Lingling had confessed sooner.
Where that one drunken night had never happened.
Where Sean had remained only a friend.
Where there was no pregnancy.
No guilt.
No impossible choices.
No letting go.
Just...
Them.
Maybe...
They would be living together now.
Maybe this cake would be for their own home.
Maybe Lingling would be complaining dramatically from the living room.
"Babe..."
"I'm starving."
"How much longer?"
Orm could almost hear hurried footsteps racing toward the kitchen.
Could almost see Lingling peeking inside the oven every five minutes despite being told not to.
Could almost feel two familiar arms slipping around her waist from behind.
A chin resting gently on her shoulder.
Warm breaths brushing against her neck.
Could almost hear Lingling laughing softly before stealing frosting with the tip of her finger.
Then-
Without warning-
She would kiss Orm's cheek.
Just because she wanted to.
Just because she could.
Orm almost smiled.
For one fragile...
Cruel...
Beautiful heartbeat...
It all felt real.
So real that her heart forgot reality.
Then-
The oven timer rang.
The sharp sound shattered everything.
The laughter disappeared.
The warmth vanished.
The arms around her waist dissolved into empty air.
The kitchen became silent once more.
Painfully.
Unbearably.
Empty.
Lingling's mother quietly removed the cake from the oven.
Neither of them spoke while waiting for it to cool.
Words suddenly felt unnecessary.
When it was finally ready, she carefully placed it inside a beautiful white cake box.
She smoothed the lid with trembling fingers before reaching for a pale blue ribbon.
Blue.
The exact shade of the hydrangeas Lingling used to buy for Orm whenever she wanted to make her smile.
The ribbon was tied into a perfect bow.
Almost like wrapping love itself.
The older woman carefully held the finished cake.
"I'll give it to her."
Orm nodded.
Her smile was small.
Tender.
"Thank you."
Lingling's mother stared at her for a long while.
As though memorizing her face.
Then she spoke quietly.
"There's still time."
Orm looked up.
"You can come tonight."
"You don't have to speak to her."
"You don't even have to let her know you're there."
Her voice softened.
"Sit a few tables away."
"Watch her laugh."
"Watch her celebrate."
"You deserve at least that much."
Orm lowered her gaze.
A sad smile slowly curved across her lips.
"If she sees me..."
She swallowed the lump in her throat.
"...the first thing she'll remember won't be the years we loved each other."
Another tear slipped free.
"It'll be the years I hurt her."
She closed her eyes.
"I've spent every day praying she'll heal."
Even if...
Healing meant living a life where she no longer needed me.
Even if...
Healing meant forgetting the woman who once promised to love her forever.
Lingling's mother broke.
Completely.
She cupped Orm's face with both trembling hands.
"My child..."
Tears streamed endlessly down her cheeks.
"You love her so much."
Orm looked toward the window where the afternoon sunlight quietly poured inside.
Her eyes glistened.
Not with hope.
But with acceptance.
The kind that only came after losing everything.
"I do."
She whispered.
"I love her enough..."
"...to remain as a shadow so she can finally smile again."
Even if...
That smile would never belong to me.
Her lips trembled into the most heartbreaking smile.
Beautiful.
Gentle.
Completely shattered.
"I never learned how to stop loving her."
A tear rolled slowly down her face.
"And..."
She looked at the cake one last time.
"I don't think..."
Her voice cracked beyond repair.
"...I ever will."