S E V E N
On Sunday, I had lunch with Ryan again. He tried to make me giggle with some doctor jokes. He managed to a few times. I think he noticed something was off with me but didn't press me on it further after asking if I was alright the first time. It's too soon to be that nosy. I like that about Ryan, he respects boundaries.
He wants to take me out again this week when we both have a free night. I remind myself that Ryan is nearly thirty like Hawke and will expect our relationship to progress quicker than I've experienced. Though, I haven't gotten past a few dates because of that very reason. I still feel a question mark on the question if I could let Ryan have that piece of me. So, we'll just have to see how it plays out.
I changed from my scrubs at work, knowing Charlie would be here to pick me up any minute. I let my hair free from the braid I wore all day and tugged on a pair of jeans and blue sneakers. I wore a fuzzy pale blue turtleneck with my puffer over it. I tucked my scrubs into the little canvas bag I'd brought with me, shoving my water bottle and badge inside it as well.
“Have a good night, Banks,” Hattie grins, waving as I walk out of the locker room.
“You too,” I call.
I check my phone as I walk down the hallway, seeing a text from Perry. It's a throwback picture from our failed camping trip in high school. The image is blown out, and we are sitting in my car, laughing at the fact that we couldn't start a fire or build a tent. We slept in the car that night.
Perry: I miss this
Me: Me too
I slip my phone back inside my pocket just in time to not run directly into Ryan.
“Dr. Stevens.” I halt as he glances up from a file.
“Hi,” he grins. “Leaving for the night?”
I nod, staring at him for a moment. He really is beautiful.
“Going to my parents for dinner.”
“Could I walk you out?”
“I'd like that.”
“You look beautiful,” he comments.
I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “Thank you.”
“I am partial to the scrubs myself though,” he cheekily adds.
“You're awful,” I laugh.
“Don't be so tempting,” he teases. “I'm free Wednesday. If you aren't busy that is.”
“I'm off at seven.”
“Would you like to go ice skating with me?”
“Ice skating?” I snicker. “That sounds like a broken ankle waiting to happen.”
“Not a fan?” he chuckles. “I thought women liked that sort of thing.”
“Maybe in a Hallmark movie.”
“Now there's an idea,” he smiles as we walk through the doors toward the covered entrance, into the cold winter air. “A movie?”
“Can I pick?”
“Of course,” he nods .
“Then a movie sounds great.”
Ryan steps closer, now nearly touching my side as he scans the area around us, only to find it to be uninhabited. “Then a movie it is.” He peers down at me. “Is it alright if I kiss you?”
I tug my lip between my teeth. “Is that a good idea at work?”
“Probably not,” he breathes and does it anyway.
I giggle against his lips, pressing my hands to his cheeks.
“Ryan,” I laugh as we part.
“Sorry,” he grins. “Couldn't help myself.”
His eyes leave mine for a moment. “Looks like your ride's here,” he says, and I glance over my shoulder to see Charlie's truck.
I can't believe I didn't hear it pull up. “Yeah,” I nod. “Thank you for walking me.”
“You're welcome,” he winks. “Talk to you later.”
I wave and turn toward the truck, seeing Charlie grabbing his door to get out, but I shake my head. I would haul myself in. I grab the door handle, throw my bag, and climb.
“Hey,” Charlie murmurs.
“Hi.”
I settle myself then lean forward to shut the door. Ryan watches us leave, and I offer a smile as Charlie pulls away. He drives with his good hand, his bandaged one sitting on his thigh.
“When was the last time you changed that?”
He shrugs.
“Charlie,” I hiss.
“I didn't want to bother you,” he says. “I'll change it tonight. ”
“You have to keep the stitches clean.”
“I know,” he replies indifferently.
“Your eye looks better.”
He cracks a smirk. “Nice shiner, right?”
I roll my own.
The tension between the two of us swirls in the cab.
We both want something from the other and neither can give it.
He wants me to blindly forgive and move on.
I want him to tell me the truth.
We are at a standstill, and we're about to have dinner with my family as if we're fine.
“Seems like things are going well with the doctor?” He breaks the quiet.
I don't know why, but I don't want to talk to Charlie about Ryan. It feels like I'm cheating. As if Ryan is slipping into the place Charlie has been for the past six months, with sprinkles on top.
“We don't have to talk about it.”
“Why wouldn't we?” he says.
“It feels...” I exhale. “Weird?”
Charlie frowns. “Am I making you uncomfortable?” his words echoing the same ones he said to me that first night.
“No,” I assure. “It's just strange, isn't it? We don't talk about that kind of stuff.”
“We don't talk about it because there's been nothing to talk about.”
“In my case, yes,” I quip. “But you haven't spoken to me about you either.”
He scoffs. “Because there's been nothing to talk about, Banks,” he holds firm .
“See,” I sneer. “You don't want to talk about it either.”
“You aren't hearing me,” he rumbles. “I have not been with anyone.”
My eyes widen. “Not even just sex? It's been six months, Charlie. I thought you'd been out on plenty of dates by now.”
“I know how long it's been.”
“You're joking with me right now, aren't you?” I giggle. “What about Susie?”
His stare ices over as he glances my way for a short moment before returning to the road.
“Never?” I can't comprehend.
“Never, Banks,” he says with contempt.
“But if there was a girl, you would talk to me about it?” My jaw hangs open, still uttering dumbfounded by this. There is no way he’s been celibate this entire time.
He clears his throat. “Just forget it. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine.”
Charlie has never been this dismissive with me.
Makes me wonder if I've hit a nerve.
“Why?” I slip. “Why haven't you?”
He ticks a brow. “I haven't met anyone else I want.”
Anyone else? So there is someone he wants.
“You don't get to probe me if you aren't going to share as well.” He halts any of my questioning.
“That's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?”
He cracks his neck.
How can I possibly talk to Charlie about Ryan when I feel like Ryan is filling a void where Charlie should be? Romantic or not.
“I just want us to go back to before,” he mutters .
“Before you showed up with a black eye and bloodied hand or before I started seeing Ryan?”
“I liked our life of reading and eating pizza. I don't want to lose that.”
“So, you don't want me to date?”
“No,” he roughly exhales. “It has nothing to do with the doctor. It's us. You've been pulling away even before him.”
“I'm not trying to,” I defend. “But it's hard when you won't let me in, Charlie. We're together all the time, but I feel like there is this dark cloud hovering over you and I want to understand. I care about you. I want to know more than what you're feeling at this exact moment,” I bellow. “You came back into my life when I felt like I was drowning and somehow you threw out a raft and brought me back to shore. My anxiety has calmed down and I'm actually trying to date when everything in me is telling me not to. Why can't you let me try to do that for you?”
He pinches his nose with his bad hand. “It's complicated, Banks,” he says in a low voice. “But I need you. You give me so much more than I could ever give you.”
I shut my eyes.
Can't he see that I want to give him more? That I want to be the person he is for me to him?
“Am I ever going to know what happened to you?”
“Nothing happened to me,” he whispers. “I just need to know we're okay.”
My frustration balls in my throat.
I don't feel fine.
I feel like something dark is happening to him, and it terrifies me. Charlie started so light and bright in my life, endless smiles and laughs but as I grow more dependent on him, the more I see it's all a mask. A mask I want to rip back and survey the damage. I'm not afraid of whatever darkness lies behind it, I just want to show him that it's okay. Whatever it is.
“I'm in love with Ryan,” I breathe, testing him. It’s petty, I will admit, but I can’t bite back that feisty part of me right now.
He looks over at me.
His eyes storming.
Glaring.
“No. You're not.”
“It sucks, doesn't it?”
“What?” he grips.
“Being lied to.”
I cuddle my nephew in my arms while my mother dishes some fried rice. Her blonde hair dusts her shoulders with half of it tucked back with a butterfly clip. Her wide bright blue eyes beam at my nephew, watching her every move.
“Gosh, he's just the cutest thing,” she grins.
Weston is a little ball of black hair and giggles. He's about ten months old and sitting on my hip.
“That he is.” I beam at him.
“I was talking about Charlie,” my mother winks and I roll my eyes. “How's work been?” she asks me.
“Good,” I reply. “It's been a little while since I've lost a patient.”
“Do you like your new place? I know you've only been there a few days but good so far?”
“I like my own space,” I confess. “Kai was sweet for letting me stay as long as he did, but—”
“I get it,” Mom laughs. “He's a handful, your brother.”
Weston claps his hands together in excitement at her laughter.
“I can't believe how tall Charlie is.” Her voice lowers a bit. “Where have you two been hiding him?”
“We've just been busy,” I say.
“Hard to believe he's the same kid that would stumble around the neighborhood, clumsier than a baby giraffe.”
“Yeah.”
Mom studies me for a moment and I shift under her stare. “Something wrong, Banks?”
“It's nothing,” I brush it off. “I'm just a little tired is all.”
“Heard from Perry lately?”
“Always,” I nod. “I think she's a bit homesick.”
“I'm sure she is. It's been over a year since she's visited, hasn't it?”
“Just about.”
“Still with the boyfriend?”
I bob my head.
Mom sighs. “And what about you?” she investigates. “Are you dating anyone?”
“Mom.”
“What?” she gawks. “It's a valid question. Can a mother ask about her daughter’s love life?”
“Sort of,” I huff. “But it's new and I don't want to talk about it yet.”
“Does it have anything to do with Charlie?” She lifts a brow at me, grabbing silverware.
“Why would it? ”
“You two just seem... very attached .”
“We're close,” I confirm. “But not like that.”
She hums. “Could have fooled me.”
“Mom, you've seen us together for all of two seconds.”
“I know things.” Her eyes narrow. “Mother's intuition is a thing, you know.”
“It's not Charlie.”
“Is he alright?” she finally asks. “I know the boy is clumsy, but that black eye is a doozy.”
“The taller you are the harder the fall,” I lie.
“Must be.” Mom doesn't read too much into it as I bounce Weston a little more on my hip.
Just then my sister-in-law arrives, having spent the afternoon with some girlfriends. Jessie is model-like, almost five-ten with long dirty blonde tresses.
“There's my baby,” she smiles. Her lengthy hair was tucked under a ball cap and dressed in black leggings.
Weston giggles at the sound of her voice, reaching for her.
“Hi, Banks, Aimee,” she greets.
“Find anything cool today?” Mom queries. Jessie is a furniture flipper, always going to flea markets and estate sales with her friends. More often than not she finds a few gems amongst all the trash.
“No luck,” she sighs. “Lots of junk. I'm sure Hawke will be thrilled; he's been whining for months that the garage is too full.”
I grab my wine glass that was sitting on the counter, laughing under my breath. Hawke is always whining about something .
“What about you guys, how's things?” She scrunches her nose at Weston, who tugs on her ponytail.
“Nothing special,” Mom answers. “This and that... Banks has a boyfriend.”
“Mom!”
“Really?” Jessie smirks.
“Sort of,” I glower.
“Is he the guy out front with your brothers?”
“No.”
“Who is he?” she asks. Jessie must have seen them in the living room and skirted by in search of her baby. “He's cute.”
“Isn’t he?” Mom singsongs. “He was the neighbor boy.”
Jessie winks at me.
“I am not dating Charlie,” I reiterate, and they snicker at me. “He's a... doctor.”
My mother's eyes bore at me. “What?”
“Oh, go you, Banks,” Jessie cheers.
“It's still new and I don't want to jinx anything.”
My mother, of course, knows nothing of my issues with dating, but Jessie knows a little. She's been witness to a few of mine and Perry's breakdowns.
“I guess I shouldn't be surprised,” Mom recovers. “I just assumed all the doctors were older.”
“He's around Hawke's age.”
“Good for you,” Jessie snickers. “It's about time someone scooped you up.”
I roll my eyes. “Can we talk about literally anything else?”
“Oh Banks, we're just teasing.” Mom curls her lip. “Grab that bowl and let's eat.” She points to the kimchi bowl and I want to barf .
“I'll let the boys know,” Jessie says.
I follow my mother into the dining room, holding the kimchi bowl as far from my nose as possible. I have no idea how my dad and brothers eat this stuff; the smell is something I just can't get past.
My mom's dining room table is an antique that's been passed down through her family for years. Built from old barn wood, it has every mark and stain from dinners along the way. She likes the character of it and the fact that it's large enough to comfortably seat eight.
The main part of the meal is steaks. My dad was able to grill them on their patio that just barely managed to miss the snowfall. A salad with typical greens along with Asian cabbage, fried rice, and kimchi would be the sides. A blend of my heritage on a plate.
Jessie returned, sitting Weston in his little highchair at the end of the table, with my brother on her heels. Hawke looks a lot like Kai, only his eyes are hazel, and he doesn't have the floppy E-boy hair. His is slicked back like our father's. He's a bit fuller than Kai as well, mostly in the shoulders.
“Hey, Banks,” he grins at me. “You took my kid and ran.”
I shrug. “He's my favorite.”
“Hey!”
Our father strolls in, the shortest of them all but still taller for an Asian man. His hair is a dark gray and he grins, making it appear as if his eyes are closed.
“I thought I was the favorite.” He gives my arm a thoughtful squeeze.
“Not since Weston was born,” I tease. My dad throws me a leer before going to our mother, placing a kiss on her cheek, and sitting down. Kai and Charlie appear moments later, with newly cracked beers as Kai settles beside our dad, leaving Charlie to sit between us. I sat beside Weston, as Jessie put a little fried rice on his table. He picked up a pea and popped it into his mouth.
As to be expected my parents threw question after question at Charlie, wanting to hear about Germany and everything in between. He answered graciously and gave away nothing to us fighting earlier. Luckily, his answers, though vague, kept my parents entertained. Along with memories from the past that Kai and Hawke brought up. One being the famous curb face plant while Charlie was trying to stand on top of his bike at the age of nine. I barely remember it, but I do remember all the blood. It was one of my first experiences seeing blood like that. Thinking back, it might have been what made me curious about medicine in the first place.
After dinner, I helped my dad with the dishes while my mother played with Weston.
“How's the new place?”
“I like it,” I say. “I got a bunch of shelves so I can take my boxes of books that are in my room still.”
“You could start your own library with all those books,” he chuckles.
I shrug with a small grin.
“And work?”
“Good,” I tell him, putting the leftovers in the fridge. “I'm good, Dad, really.”
He peers at me for a moment before murmuring, “Alright, Banks.”
I feel bad for snapping, but I know he understands as he gives me one of his famous closed mouth grins and finishes the dishes .
I need to get a handle on myself.
Rather than risking a full-blown meltdown, I go to my old bedroom. The walls are the color of a robin's egg and my white cast iron bed still sat in the corner, and sitting in a neat stack in the corner are three good-sized moving boxes of my books. I pop one open and find my collection of the Percy Jackson series, beneath are my copies of the classics. There was so much hope in the girl who read these books for the first time. Like many girls, I fell in love with literature and the stories. I imagined them taking shape in real life, lusted over gods and made-up men. It's no wonder I've been let down, time and time again. I grew up falling in love with men and lives written by a woman. Molded through a woman’s gaze.
There's a faint knock on the door causing me to toss my head over my shoulder. Charlie leans into the door frame.
“Did you want to ride with me or Kai?” he murmurs lowly.
I purse my lips. I could ride with Kai but seeing as Charlie and I live in the same building, it would be silly.
“That would be ridiculous.”
He takes a breath and steps inside the room. “I thought you might be more comfortable.”
I shrug. “Are you ready to go?”
“If you are.” His head bobs. “Did you want to bring these?” He gestures to the boxes.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
Charlie glances around the room. It's a bit stale since no one is in here regularly. A few medical journals sat on the edge of my unmade bed. A Divergent poster still hung on the wall beside a shelf of stuffed bears from the various fairs over the years. My brothers would always win one for me. My high school honors society certificate was framed on the nightstand.
I stare at him, unsure what he's doing. It's like he's soaking up the room. When his eyes finally land on me again, they are intense.
“Do you mind if we take a detour before going back into the city?”
“For what?”
“It won't take long,” he mumbles, then walks over to the boxes.
“Don't.” I try to stop him. “I'll ask Kai.”
“It's just a scrape,” Charlie argues. “I'm not broken.” He flashes me a crooked grin and then picks up two of them.
“Charlie,” I mumble, but he ignores me and walks out of the room. I have no choice but to grab the third and follow.
My mother clung to me a little longer than necessary before we left. I am crap at hiding anything.
Charlie told me to not take my jacket off in the car like I usually do. It took me a minute to figure out where he was going till the old park came into view. There is a swing set and jungle gym with a wooden observation tower.
He parks and the headlights stop lighting up the near inch of snow piling. Soon just the moonlight and stars caused the flakes to sparkle.
He doesn't speak as he gets out, walking over to my side to help me.
“Why are we here?” My breath hits the cold air.
He steadies me on the ground before shutting the door, still remaining completely silent. He takes my hand and leads me toward the observation tower. The thick snow crunches under our feet, fog coming from our lips as we exhale.
“Charlie?”
He stops at the stairs, waiting for me to go first. Mind you it's sized for children and I just barely fit with a huff. I reach for the railing and reluctantly walk up the stairs. I bow to squeeze through the opening before I am able to stand. Charlie manages, twisting his shoulders, but he sits as my head is nearly touching the roof.
The little tower we sat in is covered, but the walls are half walls, thus the ability to observe. I sit beside him, our eyes able to glance through the opening at the dark blue sky above us.
“You wanted to stargaze?”
His elbows rest on his knees as his head turns to me. “Did you remember coming here as kids?”
I nod.
He then reaches out and touches the side of the wall with his bandaged hand while retrieving his phone with the other. He turns the flashlight on and searches for something. The walls are covered in carvings and graffiti. But he is staring directly at the center of the wall before us at an old carving.
CB KM BM+CB
“We did this the day before we left,” Charlie murmurs. “Kai and I. We brought you and Carsyn with us,” he recounts. “You were on the swings, pushing Carsyn while we took an old switchblade and carved our names.”
I lean forward and touch the etching .
“Charlie Barnes.” I trace the first set. “Kai Matsumara.”
“Banks Matsumara,” he continues. “And Carsyn Barnes.”
“What about Hawke?”
He quietly chuckles. “Had to come with to get a carving.”
My lips bow, a smile threatening. “Why do Carysn and I have a plus sign?”
Charlie hangs his head for a moment.
I tilt mine, waiting.
He flexes his jaw and then reaches out to touch the etching again. “Carsyn Barnes,” he says. “Kai Matsumara. Banks Matsumara + Charlie Barnes.”
His face mirrors mine, slanting in the direction of each other.
“What?” It's barely a whisper.
His shoulders roll. “The first CB was already there,” he tells me. “Carsyn and I had done it a week before. Kai saw it and wanted to add his. A memory of a friendship,” he quietly chuckles, fondly.
“I came back later and added this.” His fingertips lingering on the plus.
“Charlie,” I whisper.
“I didn't think we'd ever see each other again, and I was a kid...” He looks at the floor of the tower between his legs, hanging his head.
“Did you have a crush on me?” I breathe, the words feeling unimaginable even as they came from my own mouth.
His chest compresses. “Is that so hard to believe?”
“Kinda,” I almost snort.
“Like I said... we were just kids.”
He gains the courage to look at me again. His blue eyes appear like mirrors in the dark .
“Why did you bring me here?”
He offers a half-smile. “To stargaze.”
“You couldn't do it from your balcony with blankets and hot cocoa?” I shiver.
“Do you want to go?”
A breath escapes as I glance up at the sky, a ribbon of stars and a half-moon hanging behind a sheer cloud beaming down at us.
“Not yet.” I press my cheek into his shoulder.