Chapter 24 #3
She’d come into this conversation so sure that Maddy was going to say yes, that she was going to say she was just as in this as Aspen was and wanted to make a long-distance relationship work even if it was inconvenient and required extra effort because she knew it would be worth it for them to be together.
But she had been wrong. They were not on the same page and Maddy did not feel the same way. She was choosing her career—her real life in LA that had just been on pause these past seven weeks. And Aspen felt like an idiot.
Maddy was more like Noa than she’d thought.
Maybe not the revolving door part, but the refusal to get attached.
The desire to keep things light and easy.
Aspen just hadn’t been willing to see it.
The same way Maddy hadn’t been willing to see the truth of Aspen’s feelings for her.
Because she didn’t want to see it, because seeing it would make it real.
But unlike Maddy, Aspen couldn’t pretend it wasn’t real.
Aspen lifted her eyes and looked at her, at Maddy’s earnest, careful, beautiful face, working so hard to let her down gently. “Maddy...I—” God was she really about to do this? “—I can’t.”
She watched the adorable crease form between Maddy’s brows and couldn’t even enjoy it. “You can’t?”
Aspen shook her head, her vision clouding with tears. She looked away and closed her eyes, waiting for the tears to retreat. Then looked back at Maddy, and forced her voice to be firm. “I can’t be casual with you, Maddy. I have been in love with you since I was fourteen.”
Maddy’s eyes widened slightly. Even though they’d acknowledged Aspen’s feelings in high school, she’d very intentionally never said those specific words out loud before.
But this was it. She had nothing to lose anymore. Maybe because she never really had Maddy in the first place. Maybe she was never meant to have Maddy in that way, and she finally needed to accept it.
“I was in love with you for all of high school, and it never really went away. It just… got buried. Until the second you stepped foot in Bunny’s kitchen seven weeks ago, to the day, and every feeling I’ve ever had for you came flooding back to the surface.
And I tried to fight it, initially, but it was pointless.
Because I have always loved you, and I don’t know how to stop.
And you’re right, it’s not fair to me. So I think…
” She closed her eyes and swallowed hard.
“I think we should just enjoy these last few hours together, and when you leave tomorrow, we should give each other some space.”
Maddy’s face dropped, and she shook her head. “Aspen, that’s not—”
“Maddy, please.” Her voice cracked, the tears she had kept at bay leaking over.
She quickly wiped them away. “I’m not saying we can’t ever talk.
Maybe one day we can even be friends. But it would kill me to know that while you’re all I’m ever thinking about, you’re only thinking about work and occasionally remembering I exist.”
“Aspen—” Maddy's voice cracked.
“Don’t deny it. You know it’s true.” Aspen wiped at her cheek again.
“You just said so yourself that you won’t have time for anything else.
And I get it, I really do. You just got her dream job that you’ve been working toward your entire career, and I’m happy for you, really.
I want you to succeed. But I can’t be a footnote in your life, Maddy. ”
Maddy’s eyes went glassy, and she looked down at their joined hands. After a moment, she lightly nodded. “Okay.” She whispered.
They sat there in silence for a moment longer, and then Maddy pulled her hands away, picked up the remote, and unmuted the TV. She leaned back against the couch, her shoulder gently resting against Aspen’s but otherwise not touching, and kept her eyes locked on the screen.
* * *
The next morning, Maddy left.
They didn’t bring up the conversation again. They didn’t talk much at all. After the movie ended that Aspen had not paid any attention to, they brushed their teeth and silently crawled into bed, staring at the ceiling.
Maddy had only spoken once, when her voice cut through the dark in the softest, saddest voice she’d ever heard from her. “Aspen?”
Aspen turned her head, but didn’t respond.
“Will you hold me? One more time?” Maddy asked carefully.
She knew she should have said no, that it would only make things harder. But she had been a masochist wherever Maddy Sterling was concerned since she was fourteen, so what was one more night of self-inflicted pain?
So Aspen had turned and scooted her body closer to Maddy’s, wrapping her arms around her torso.
Maddy turned away from her and scooted back so she was snug against Aspen’s chest. Aspen stopped fighting the tears that were streaming down her cheeks, and based on the occasional sniffle and small shaking she felt in Maddy’s body, she assumed Maddy had done the same.
In the morning, Aspen walked her out and loaded Maddy’s bags into the back of her Range Rover, and then she turned around and faced Maddy.
Maddy immediately stepped into Aspen and wrapped both arms around Aspen’s neck, pulling her in close.
Aspen wrapped hers around Maddy’s waist and put her face into the side of Maddy’s neck and just breathed her in.
The shampoo. The warm skin. The specific Maddy of her.
They stood like that in the driveway for a while, neither of them speaking.
Then Maddy pulled back, her face wet with tears, and kissed Aspen once—fast and a little desperate—and got in the car without a word.
Aspen stood in the driveway, her heart aching and eyes hot with tears, and watched Maddy’s black Range Rover reverse out and pull away down the street, and around the corner.
And just like that, Maddy Sterling was gone again.