6. Sunnie
Ifelt trapped. Trapped in a nightmare that refused to release me. It was hard to sleep. Images of seeing Hillary hanging from her closet door. My screams mixed with the screams of her mother, replaying in my head like a broken record. Anger gripped my heart tight. Hot, angry tears were a part of my daily makeup. In my trap state of mind, I lived daily in a state of confusion.
None of this made sense.
What had I missed?
“Hillary, babe, this is for you,” Nancy, a popular social media influencer, that Hillary had styled for years, posted an Instagram story of her out at a party living it up.
None of Hillary’s so-called friends and ex lovers were mourning her like I was. Outside of the typical unedited paragraph posts with old pictures, that’s as much condolences they gave. No one called to help with the funeral arrangements or to see how her parents were doing. They just lost their only baby girl to suicide. They were suffering and needed so much love and prayers. Only calls and texts I got were fake concerns that led to them asking how she died.
Assholes.
I hated humans.
Not caring where it landed, I threw my phone across the room and started another round of crying. Fresh pine and cinnamon breezed past my nose as hands lifted me and cradled me against a strong chest. A chest that I’ve been crying and sleeping on for three days now. Like a parent soothing their baby, Ezekiel rocked me in his arms until my sobs simmered down. I don’t know how I could ever repay him for dropping everything to be here with me these last few days.
The day he called me was the same day the blogs found out about Hillary’s death. It broke my heart to pieces how strangers and internet bullies picked apart my best friend’s life like she was nothing. Even trifling ass Simon felt so bad that he deleted his break up post after people were accusing him of being insensitive.
I couldn”t care less what people said about me, but them tainting Hillary’s name in death hurt like no other. That shit was foul and uncalled for.
“The car is downstairs, Sunnie Mae. Let me dress you so we can go celebrate the life of a beautiful soul.” Was it bad that I was mourning but also falling deeper in love with Ezekiel at the same time?
When he called me that day, I was sitting in the hallway of my apartment. The Corners Office had already taken Hillary’s body days before. Cops questioned me for hours, and I had to answer questions from her parents. Them wondering how we went from having the time of our lives at her family’s annual reunion in Atlanta days before to now having to bury their daughter. I hadn’t slept since I found her that night. Refused to go back in my apartment, so I stayed right there by the door until Ezekiel came and picked me up. He checked us into a hotel and I’ve been barricaded here trying to piece together the puzzle of confusion.
“I don’t wanna go.” I hiccuped, dreading the ticking hours before Hillary’s funeral started. Her parents tried to keep everything discreet. Had the funeral home sign NDAs but someone chasing fucking clout leaked information and I wasn’t in the right headspace to deal with a shit show.
“I know but you’ll regret not going.” Turning my head until his chestnut eyes caressed mine, he kissed my forehead, unleashing another wave of tears. “You’re not doing this alone, Sunnie Mae. I’m right here. Strong enough to carry you and be whatever you need me to be, okay?” All I could do was nod and bury my face in his chest, allowing myself to have another deep cry.
OnceI got it all out, Ezekiel catered to me in ways that had my mourning tears mixed with tears of gratitude. This man brushed my teeth, got in the shower, and bathed me. Went through my entire skin care regimen without guidance and even applied the basic makeup essentials to my face like mascara and lip gloss. He dressed me in a custom suit he had made last minute. An entire line of outfits pulled from one of Hillary’s sketchbooks for her family to wear today in honor of her.
With each act of service and love this man performed, he sealed with a forehead kiss. Kissed each of my ankles before strapping on my heels. Kissed my eyes before placing on my dark shades. Kissed my hair after brushing it up perfectly into a ponytail. He catered to me, loved on me in my time of need without having to be asked.
I’m going to marry this man.
The entire ride to the church he held my hand, rubbing circles on my skin while silently praying for me and Hillary’s family. Our car pulled in right behind the car housing her parents and in front of them was the horse and carriage carrying her beautiful blush pink with gold trimmings casket. I went all out for my best friend. Her parents didn’t have to pay a dime. They shouldn’t have to bury a child. Behind us were the rest of the family and my parents. Surprisingly, my sister Aleyah had come into town for the funeral. She was the first person I called after finding Hillary’s body. I didn’t have to explain. My tears told her enough, and she was on the first flight out. Besides Ezekiel, it’s been us in my hotel. She’d only left this morning to ride with our parents. Without having to be asked, she was on the program to sing a few songs and say the closing poem.
“I thought security was supposed to be here.” I became infuriated seeing the paparazzi and unknown people in the masses waiting outside the church. Some faces I knew from industry projects and some looked like they only came to get footage for their blogs.
I refuse for her funeral to be used as clickbate.
“I’m going to speak to Mr. Nathan and ask him if it’s okay if you pick out the people that Hillary would want inside. I’ll be right back, okay?” It’s like he read my thoughts and was taking charge.
“I wanna come with you.” Together we got out and the flashing lights started, making my stomach queasy.
Knocking his knuckles on the tinted limo windows, we were met with the red eyes of Mr. Nathan. His wife staring straight ahead at the casket carrying her baby girl.
“If it’s okay with you, we’d like to shorten the crowd allowed in the church. Sunnie will point out who is welcomed and the rest can wait until after the service.” Ezekiel was just as close to Hillary as anybody else and to see him carry enough strength and dominance to take charge when no one else could spoke volumes of the caliber of a man he is.
“Yes. That’s perfect. Thank you.”
I’d already picked out the people who I thought were genuinely present to celebrate Hillary. Fifteen out of the hundreds. Between Ezekiel and the funeral director, they agreed to let them in the church first and then usher in the family. Once we had everything squared away, we were prepared to enter when Simon tugged on my hand.
“Hey, Sunnie. I’m really sorry about Hillary.” His eyes bounced between Ezekiel and me, resting on our joined hands. His jaw flinching made me raise a brow.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, squeezing Ezekiel’s hand, letting him know to keep walking.
“I know this isn’t the time or place but is he the reason that you rejected my proposal?” Was he serious? Out of all the places to question me, he decides to do this now.
This imbecile.
Stepping in front of me but keeping an arm wrapped around my waist, Zeek glared down at Simon, making him cower. “Nigga, if you don’t move the fuck on, I will embarrass you in front of all these cameras. And if I was the reason, what are you going to do about it?” He waited two long seconds and smirked. “Exactly. Nothing, you stupid ass clown. I should beat your ass from pulling this shit on this day of all days.” Not looking back, we moved towards the church doors until Zeek stopped.
“I didn’t think you were going to show up.” Craning my neck to see who Zeek was talking to, my body stiffened and my heart started to beat fast.
Shoulders drooped, eyes covered by shades, and head hanging, Derrick cleared his throat. “I wasn’t. Her parents and I talked a long time yesterday.” Shit. “Part of me wanted to hold on to the memory I last have of her smiling a few weeks ago.” The hell…Hillary never told me she was seeing him again. Shit. Shit. Shit. This is not good. “I know I’d regret it down the line if I never came. Thanks for checking on me, man.” His voice sounded like a heart suffocating under cement, trying to beat and break free.
He sounded heartbroken.
Derrick and Ezekiel being friends wasn’t new to me. They’ve actually known each other longer than I’ve known Zeek. Hillary and Derrick’s meet-cute was almost like a kismet moment in time. She had been hired to style the Laker’s new guard, and Derrick was newly single. They mingled and flirted. A weekend rendezvous that turned into a two-year toxic relationship. He loved Hillary’s musty thong, but they couldn’t get it together to stay together.
Behind those dark shades, I felt his eyes on me and I wanted to run for the hills. “Are you holding up okay, considering the circumstances?” All I could do was nod and lean into Zeek. “If you need anything, Sunnie. Let me know.” A slow nod and he was headed into the church.
I held my breath the entire time Zeek escorted me into the church with an arm wrapped around my waist and another holding my hand.
Four rows behind her immediate family, we sat and waited. Dreadfully waited for the rolling in of her casket. When my sister made her way to the stage and grabbed the mic, I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lip until the taste of copper swirled around my mouth. Hillary’s father, two brothers, uncle, and two cousins carried in her beautiful casket. My legs were shaking, heart racing, and heart crying with each harmony my sister sung.
Out of respect for the family, the funeral director kept the casket closed during the service. Her uncle gave the reading of the obituary and preached a short but beautiful sermon on the pain of grief. When it came time for personal reflections, the atmosphere shifted from misery to laughter. Her cousins were the comedy relief we needed with sharing funny stories about their childhood. Hillary’s first boss shared more funny stories of her first years working on set as an assistant. Then it took another turn of heartbreak when her father got up.
“I like to call Hillary my miracle baby.” Mr. Nathan removed his glasses to wipe his eyes. Hillary was literally the carbon copy of her daddy. She had his whole face. “After three rambunctious boys, my wife refocused to have another, but I wanted a princess. A little girl with her mother’s face and my attitude, so she wouldn’t be friendly to any boys sniffing behind her. It took some persuasion, but we agreed to try again and prayed day and night that God gave me a girl. We skipped finding out the sex and focused on making sure her mama was healthy, but I was shopping. The Bible does say speak those things that be not as they are, right?” We gave a round of amens.
“On my birthday twenty-eight years ago, God answered my prayers and gave me Hillary. Her mama was so mad when she saw her come out looking just like me. If I didn’t already have a junior, she’d be it. I love all my children more than I could ever put in words, but Hillary was special. She brought an added sparkle to our lives. We have coordinated family pictures because of her. So many memories because all she wanted to do was to be surrounded by those she loved.” He exhaled, whipping his eyes. “I’m angry with my baby girl. I won’t lie. Angry that she didn’t allow me to experience our father-daughter dance at her wedding. Angry that God cut our time short. I miss her so much. I miss my sparkle.” With the help of one of his sons, he made it back to his seat.
“Come. I’ll go with you.” It was my turn and Ezekiel knew I needed an anchor to help me get through. His arm around my waist kept my wobbling knees from completely giving out on me. “I’m right here.” He kissed my ear, remaining behind me. Providing the perfect wall of strength to keep sane and able to speak without breaking down.
“Um.” A shaky breath rocked me. It was so hard to stand up here and not look at her casket.
“Give her her flowers, Sunnie. Share with the world the beautiful being that Hillary was to you.” He spoke to the back of my head, but loud enough for me to hear.
His chest to my back. The transfer of energy and strength. His heartbeat leading mine. I felt like I could conquer the world.
“Hillary Banks,” I smirked, feeling reassured at the hands of him. “My sweet, bright, and spunky Hillary. We’ve been roommates since college and I’m forever grateful that God trusted me to guard her snores. To call her my friend, my sister.” My voice became shaky. “Though I wished her time here on this earth was longer, her footprints are forever engraved in my heart, our hearts. She accomplished everything she wanted to do and for that, well done my friend. I miss you so much, dear friend. Rest in Paradise.” I made it without snot and a river of tears, all thanks to Ezekiel keeping me steady. He brought me solace in my desperate time of need.
Hillary’s uncle finished out the closing and my sister got up to sing ‘Missing You.’ The casket was opened, and I was a complete hurricane mess. She looked so beautiful in her yellow dress and head full of curls. I had to close my eyes when her parents went up to view her body one last time. Her mom lost it and it set the whole church in a whirlwind of emotions. Like he’d been all day, Ezekiel held me for my final goodbyes to my best friend. It hit me hard coming to terms that when I returned to our place, she wouldn’t be there.
My nightmares of dying and Hillary not at my funeral. It finally made sense. She wasn’t in my dreams because she… she was dead.
My knees buckled, and Zeek was there to catch me. “I got you, Sunnie Mae.” And he did. He carried me out of the church to our waiting car. He held me in his arms the entire ride to the burial site. Held me steady on my feet while we watched her casket lower into the ground. Held me again on the car ride to the repast. Not once had this man left my side. A forever present help and comfort.
The sun had set and the night cloaked us in her warm blanket by the time we made it to the hotel. Thankfully the repast was a complete opposite of the funeral. Good food, lots of laughter, and a slide show of videos and pictures that brought smiles to everyone’s faces. It was the perfect homegoing service anyone could ask for.
“How’s mom?” I had Aleyah on speakerphone in the bathroom. Ezekiel was in the main room of the suite talking to his mom.
“She’s okay. Everyone is okay. Doing the best they can, considering the circumstances. How are you, Sunnie?”
My reflection in the mirror said I looked like a character auditioning for a horror film. Eternally, I felt numb. Vacant yet full at the same time. “Having Ezekiel here makes the pain breathable.” My lips curved into a smile. “I don’t want you to leave, Le. Please stay.”
Her long pause caused me to hold my breath. I knew she left Florida on an assignment of personal growth. A spiritual sabbatical that she never spoke of. Her relationship with our mom was unique, to say the least. Mom had her at fourteen, they grew up together. Experienced a lot of hardships before I came along seven years later. Though she’d never admit it, Aleyah held a lot of resentment for the way her parents ended. Mom ended up marrying my dad, and those two have been on a rocky road ever since.
“I… I’ll be here for a while, Sunnie. Only for a while.”
My bottom lip trembled, and guilt caved in my stomach. “I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I’m so sorry.” My sister’s ability to drop everything she had going on in Chicago to be here for me showed our differences. She was selfless and I was selfish. When she needed me, I had a million and one excuses. When I needed her, she came without explanation.
“Don’t forget that the movers will be at your apartment to pack up everything in two days. Ezekiel made sure to pay a week for the hotel so you can get everything situated while you move into your new place. Get some rest. Call me in the morning.” She hung up, and I broke down again, crying.
I managed to cry through my entire shower, skipped my nightly prep, and went seeking my comfort. My anchor. I didn’t have to search long or far. Waiting on the bed, Ezekiel sat ready to hold me through the night while I cried my burdens on his chest. Mourning the loss of Hillary and my relationship with my sister hanging on by a string. Exhaustion called my name, and I rested in a deep slumber until it was time to take Zeek to the airport.
“I’ll be back, Sunnie Mae. Once I lay eyes on my mom and make sure she’s good, I’ll be back, okay?” I could only nod because deep in my heart, I knew we were about to transfer pain.
“Thank you being here for me.” LAX was busy and bustling with travelers coming and going. Yet, he and I stood in the departure area in our own bubble.
Cupping my face, he kissed my forehead, causing me to exhale my troubles and inhale his scent. “Stop thanking me. I’ll always be here for you.” His eyes peered through me. Touched my soul and caressed my heart. “I love you, Sunnie.” Thinking his descending lips were heading for my forehead, I closed my eyes, only to moan seconds later when his lips touched mine.
He kissed me.
Not a peck or a bottom lip nip.
He kissed me and then walked away, leaving me standing there bewildered and breathless.