The Stones We Cast

9. Sunnie

I’ve gone unscathed a long time playing these games with God. Thinking that if I asked for forgiveness after I sinned, or even before sometimes, He’d show me mercy and forgive me. No need for me to pay for them down the line. No need for hardships to come because I asked Him to forgive me. I used to think that was enough. That’s all I needed to do. Interesting how we allowed our minds to conjure our own logic to justify our sins.

It amazed me how people looked at my life and the things I’ve done and assumed I had no faith in God. Stood stunned when they heard the edifying praise of worship cry from my lips. Oh, don’t even let me pray the house down in the blood of Jesus. Then I was accused of being one of Satan’s imps, using God’s word to beguile his children like the serpent did Eve in the Garden.

I might throw my ass in a circle on Thursday, but please believe I knew how to anchor in the Holy Spirit and cast out the same demons, the judging holier than thou saints thought I was possessed with.

Nothing vexed me more than a casting stone saint.

God gave us free will, so it was my choice to do my deeds, but best believe that if God needs a vessel on this earth to do something. If He needed an assignment to be fulfilled, His will be done.

“I know I say this every quarter when we sit down and go over your deals, but this is your year, Sunnie. Everyone wants a piece of Sunnie Austin. The world is your oyster, my friend.” Summer Grant has been my manager and PR Rep since I became a social media content creator back in college. Funny enough, she, Hillary, and I were quad dorm mates and friends at Florida State University.

Summer had dreams of being a PR to the stars and Hillary wanted to be a celebrity stylist. Each of us possessed something that the other needed and we took advantage of our skills to go into business with each other. It worked. We worked. All together we’ve seen how grimmy the industry can get, especially with those you called a friend. We managed to keep the drama and shiestiness out of ours and push each other to our fullest potential.

However, for the first time in our friendship, we were lost without Hillary. Confused how we missed the signs of her depression and struggle. Summer and I each had a letter Hillary addressed to us, but we hadn’t had the stomach to open and read them. Afraid we’d feel more jaded than our current grieving state.

“Do I have any outstanding contract obligations?” I could’ve easily pulled up my calendar and looked for myself, but then that meant becoming overwhelmed with the demand of having to answer to people.

Swiping through her iPad, she shook her head. “Meeting with the network to discuss the upcoming season of Bougie Baddies of LA, and then the shoot with MaKenna in a few weeks. I could push everything else back until next month. Are you going to be up to working by then?” Summer’s lazy brown eyes bore into mine.

Truth be told, I couldn’t stomach having to do anything of the sort right now. Thankfully, the liquor shoot with MaKenna didn’t require me to take off my clothes but be adorned in the latest fashion and diamonds.

Hyperaware of the fingers gliding across my thigh, I watched the muscles in Ezekiel’s back flex as he walked by. I’ve been in his space almost a week now, and we’ve skirted around the biggest elephant in the room that he refused to address with me. I had no problem giving him space, no problem with leaving after laying physical eyes on him. But, of course, he wanted something different.

He wanted me to stay and dwell in silence with him.

I could do that.

“After the shoot with MaKenna, I’m going to take a break. A long indefinite break from all the business I have with other brands than my own.” I paused, waiting to see if she would blow up. Summer had some spice to her, especially when she thinks you’re lowering your value or trying to make yourself small in spaces that require you to be a giant.

Reaching for her fourth cup of wine, she nodded. “That’s understandable. I honestly thought you would’ve made this decision years ago.”

That was shocking to hear. Scratching my brow, I ignored Ezekiel sitting across from me and tried to focus on Summer. “What made you say that?”

“This, your whole persona, it all started with you having fun in college. Exploring your sexuality. Living in a free spirit body… out of rebellion.” I didn’t know what to say but apparently, Summer had enough words for the both of us. “I know you, Sunnie. You went so hard out of rebellion and ego because of your parents.” Shit, that burned. “Parents aren’t supposed to have favorites and I don’t think your mom does, but she spent a lot of her time trying to fix things with Aleyah that you felt ignored a lot.” And there goes the first set of tears.

“Losing Hillary the way we did.” She tried to blink away her tears. “I started to take an inventory of all of my closest friends and loved ones. You being the main one. To us, Hillary had no reason to feel alone and like she didn’t matter, but she did. So, I started to analyze your life the best way possible.” She put her wine glass down and sat right in the perfect view of the camera. “Your success was built off of pride and vengeance. You wanting to prove to your mom and Aleyah that you were the better child. You had the most talent, you could make the most money, you had the better life. You had a better romantic life. You created this false illusion of competition between you and your sister that flipped you on your ass once you realized how shallow you’ve been.” Well, damn, Summer. Tell me how you really feel.

She started crying which made me start crying. Geesh, was my period about to come on cause what the hell?

“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, Sunnie. I swear I’m not, but I know you’re hurt by the strain between you and your sister. Everything you thought you had to do to one-up her, she effortlessly shined brighter because of who she naturally was and never once tried to be anything but who God called her to be. Sunnie, I need you to take this time to get to know you. Not the Sunnie the world knows, but the true you.” She looked off from the screen to cry like I wasn’t sitting here in a puddle of my mess.

Closing my eyes, I prayed and asked God to let my truth speak freely. “Throughout my life, I’ve prided myself on my generosity, my open heart, and my unwavering willingness to put others before myself. Friends, strangers, colleagues—there’s no one I wouldn’t extend my hand to in their time of need. Yet, when it comes to my sister, that well of selflessness dries up, replaced by a tumultuous sea of jealousy and resentment. It’s a paradox that haunts me; the very blood that binds us seems to ignite these flames of animosity within me. Our shared history, instead of being a foundation of support, feels like a battleground of competition and comparison. Despite understanding the toxicity of these emotions, I find myself trapped in a cycle of bitterness and regret, struggling to extend the same compassion to her that I so freely give to others. It’s a conflict that underscores an uncomfortable truth about the nature of love and rivalry within the fabric of family.” As much as it hurt to admit, it was the truth. A harsh truth that I wish Ezekiel wasn’t a witness to.

Nodding her head as if she understood, Summer picked up her wine and cleared her glass. “That’s some sad deep shit, Sunnie. You’ve been very transparent when it comes to y’all relationship, and nothing adds up to the way you treat her. What’s really the issue, babe?”

I shook my head and bit my lip, trying not to cry harder than I already was. Admitting the ugly of my heart, I wasn’t ready for that. “Honestly, jealousy fills my heart when it comes to her.”

Her scrunched-up face and Ezekiel’s raised brows were just as confused as my reasoning. “Can you elaborate?”

“Aleyah has always been this carefree spirit. Her creativity felt holy, if that makes sense. People fall in love with the poetic floetry that flows from her lips. She’s heaven”s wordsmith. She’s a magnet that people gravitate to.” Hence why I tried to limit her interaction with Ezekiel as much as possible. “I don’t have that. I don’t have the gifts that she has. She’s like the modern-day Job that refuses to ask me for my help in the midst of her suffering. My goal to set my parents up to never have to work another day in their lives is almost possible yet, I won’t do the same for my sister because I want her to come begging, crawling for my help. To say that she needs me. That my riches and wealth are good enough for her. And until that happens, I take pride in rubbing my success in her face. The one that everyone wants to be around, the one that everyone is protective over. She lives paycheck to paycheck, barely making it, and won’t ask me for a dime.” Angrily, I banged my fist on the table.

“She doesn’t have much to her name, but she walks around with a fucking smile. Has this glow on her face that women actually stop and ask her what’s the product and this bitch has the nerve to say its favor.” Tsk. “Yeah, fucking right. She likes to have her steps ordered and wait for God to give her direction while still suffering, and I prefer making my own way. She says she’s Godmade, well I’m self-made. Do you know how much it fucking strokes my ego when we go out and men give all their attention to me and not her?” The laugh I released sounded demonic and scary. I ignored the worrisome and fearful looks on their faces.

They wanted this.

They wanted my truth.

They wanted me to face my demons.

“When we go shopping I can buy without worrying about my bank account while she has to budget and window shop. I’m on one of the hottest reality shows in the world and she’s hoping to sell one book a day.” Now that tickled the hell out of me. “Oh, and can you believe I’ve been feeling guilty about not coming to her aid when she finally, fucking finally reached out to me and needed my help. Wherever she lived in Chicago, she needed help to move back home. That’s all she ever asked of me and I said no. Why? Because I enjoy knowing that she’s suffering. Having to crawl back home. Nope.” I popped my P and crossed my arms, snaking my neck.

“Where has being holier than thou got her? Where has thinking she’s better than me gotten her? Homeless, that’s where. No money, career about to flop, no man desiring her, no friends. Our mom hates that her precious Aleyah can’t find stability. My Dad pitied her. Her demise in life makes grieving Hillary easy.” I exhaled long and hard, rotating my shoulders. “You wanted my ugly truth, Summer, well there you have it.”

A maddening quietness thumped around us. Both Ezekiel and Summer were staring at me as if I lost my mind, and I had. I lost my mind. These were the truths that filled the pages of my diary. I was beautiful on the outside but ugly as shit on the inside, and now the man I loved and my last living best friend knew my secrets.

“I…” My throat burned and my head throbbed. “I-I don’t know why I’m like this. Why do I think this way about my sister? The same sister who dropped everything and probably spent her last to be here with me, even after knowing I wouldn’t do the same for her.” I covered my mouth, trying to control the sob, wanting to break through.

“While I want to say that I’m surprised that you have these feelings towards your sister. I’m not.” Summer’s dull response and vacant eyes made my anxiety kick up several notches. I started to become afraid that she was about to leave me and stop being my friend. “Before you worry, I’m not going anywhere, but I do want you to get some therapy to sort out your feelings and even have an honest conversation with Aleyah. How you feel about her is definitely a different contrast than I have of her, and that’s because I talk to her. Actually care about her life and the amazing things she does. I really don’t understand how you’ve created this false image of her in your head. She’s the furthest thing from a bad person.”

Her reaction to everything I said was proof of my feelings being valid about the way everyone felt about Aleyah versus me. “I never said she was a bad person.” Annoyed, I snapped.

“Oh, forgive me.” She rolled her eyes, snorting. “You said she didn’t need you and until she did, you were going to gloat about your success while she wallowed in hers. Am I right?” More tears and no words. “I love you, Sunnie Mae Austin. I love you so much, you hear me? Look at me. Look at me, dammit.” I gave her my red, tearful eyes. “Heal that little girl inside of you wanting the attention of her mother. Heal her and forgive yourself. Okay?”

“Okay.” I hiccuped.

“Ezekiel, take care of my girl. I will call you in a few days. Love you.” She hung up before I could say it back and I knew it was because she was over my melodramatic drama. Sick to her stomach of the vile things planted in my heart.

“Please don’t judge me, Zeek.” I couldn’t look at him. The thought of seeing anything other than the usual love and adoration he had for me, that would break me.

Reaching across the table, he wanted my hand. “I’m the last motherfucker to judge anyone, Sunnie Mae.” He kissed my hand and my soul felt at ease. “Am I shocked about your true feelings and motives regarding your sister? That shit is foul.” He pulled his hand from mine and I wanted to throw a whole tantrum. “I’ve known your sister for years. Longer than I’ve known you and read all of her books. Have you?” I shook my head and he snorted, looking down at his vibrating phone. “I figured. If she was a bitch that deserved to be treated that way, hey, do what you do. But she doesn’t, Sunnie. I’m more disgusted at the fact that you came here and have yet to step your black ass in Chicago to see what she needed help with.” He seethed, eyes dark.

“It hasn’t been a full two weeks since you found your best friend hanging from her closet door. Did you forget that?” His voice got louder, eyes angrier. “What if that was Aleyah? Could you honestly say that you wouldn’t have shed a tear or been sad that she died? Or would regret begin to plague you so hard that you’d be an uncontrollable crying mess? Begging God for one more chance to see your sister and make it right? Now I know I’m the last person to tell anybody anything, considering you saw me with a gun to my head. But, Sunnie, everything you said. That ain’t right, baby. Ain’t right at all.”

I knew it wasn’t right but what else did he expect me to do or say?

While Aleyah stayed with me those short few days I felt the most peaceful in my life. She didn’t do anything special. She didn’t say anything monumental. All she did was exist. She wrote Hillary’s entire obituary. Wrote the most beautiful poem in the back. Sung her heart out. Everything I asked of her she gave, never once putting her hand out for a return payment.

She loved me as a sister and I treated her like a stranger.

Breaking the uncomfortable silence, he cleared his throat and changed directions for his questions. “Where were you going when you called me?”

Why in the hell does it matter now?

He was just doing what everybody has always done - gloat about one sister and down the other.

Dropping my head back to rest between my shoulder blades, I exhaled, staring up at the ceiling. Why must we have all these deep conversations in one day, in one sitting?

“To the see you actually.” I chuckled, sitting up and folding my legs under me. The handsome man across from me had the cutest bushed brows when he was in deep thought or confused about something. “I needed a break, a change of scenery, and wanted to be spoiled by you, so I thought us spending time together would do me some good. My plan was to surprise you. It wasn’t until I walked through TSA that it dawned on me that I should make sure you were in town to begin with. That’s when I called you.” Caressing the chills on my arms, the heaviness of that day still haunted me.

What if I hadn’t called him?

What if I hadn’t listened to the impending nudging on my heart to reach out?

What if Aleyah had called me for the same reason?

Shaking the ugly feeling away, I watched him hang his head. Seeing him on the phone with a gun in his hand, the flashbacks were gruesome. I lost it in the middle of the airport. Screaming frantically. Rushing off to find a quiet spot in LAX airport to pray since I wasn’t there with him physically. I wasn’t able to be there for my Hillary, but I could still be there for Ezekiel. So, I called on the one person who was always there. The one person who had more power than me and could do what I couldn’t. I called on God and cast every devil down and declared victory and healing over him.

All I ever wanted to do was to save him.

As he mentioned prior, the month had just begun, and I had an overwhelmingly bad case of PTSD.

Constantly up into the early morning asking God why so many people thought suicide was the answer. I remember asking Aleyah the same question not too long ago and she said that sometimes all the troubled people need is an intercessor to step in the gap between their darkness and pray heaven down.

I vowed to do that for Ezekiel. I made a promise to his mom I would.

“That night…” He rested his arms on the table. “Jeremiah called and asked me to come over to make the arrangements for mom.” The downcast of his eyes broke my heart. It’s so hard to see such a larger-than-life man look defeated. “I never made it further than the doorsteps. He called the police on me, Sunnie Mae.” He chuckled like it was funny, but his red eyes and quickness to wipe his face said otherwise. “He doesn’t want me at my mom’s funeral. Says he wishes it was me that died. That he hates me and hearing that right after kissing my mom for the last time. Life didn’t feel worth living.”

God, how did we get here?

On the outside looking in, we had it all; we were it all, yet we were drowning in despair.

“Aleyah always tells me to be cautious of soul ties.” The irony of learning some of our most valuable lessons from her. Just like him, her teachings always popped up in the hours of need. “Like now. How sometimes the demons we’re fighting aren’t even our battles. Once we’ve had physical and spiritual exchanges with one another, their shit becomes our shit. Their demons and spirits become my shit. It’s a continued cycle of this woman’s shit and this woman’s shit. It never ends if I don’t stop it.” Reaching for my hand across the table, he waited until I took it.

Our hands clasped and his lips touched my skin. “We both have work to do, Sunnie Mae. You gotta heal yourself, heal your heart because that ugliness will block so many blessings.” His hands started to shake and his eyes overcast with a heaviness that weighed our hands down. “What do I have to do, Sunnie? Please help me.” The desperation in his eyes and voice squeezed my heart. “We can go to Israel, and I can baptize myself in the Jordan River. You think that’ll work?” Why was this fool trying to be funny in a serious moment?

Uncontrollably giggling, I appreciated his effort to make the moment lighthearted. “No, stupid. Although that might not be a bad idea and a good start. First,” I reached for his other hand. With both hands in mine, we locked gazes. This exchange wasn’t a filthy soul tie. Yeah, I had my mess. An ugly mess, but it wasn’t an intentional mess to add more to him. “We go to God together and ask Him for forgiveness. Ask Him to break any covenants we made unknowingly. And the hardest part… we have to change. Ask God to change our hearts and renew our minds. Ask Him what our purpose is because what if we aren’t walking in it? What if this isn’t the life He created us to have?”

Flashes of Aleyah popped into my head. Seeing her face, remembering the words I spoke, and my treatment towards her. I began wailing as if I was the victim. “I can’t do this on my own, Zeek. I can’t fight these demons alone.” He was all I had.

“Neither can I, Sunnie Mae. We’re gonna be good, mama. I promise you that.” His smile sealed his promise.

“Whew. Can we talk about something light, please?”

“Yeah. Uh, there is something else I want to talk to you about. A few things, actually.” He tightened the hold he had on my hands and the nervousness in his eyes strangled me. “Remember the other night when we were talking about our nightmares, and we had things to fix with certain people? I’m… I’m going to be a father. Crystal Rose, she’s another adult entertainer, and she’s pregnant. The paternity was between me and three other men. I got the results the same day I spiraled and wanted to kill myself. Hearing that I was about to be a father while also having the cops called on me by my dad, I didn’t feel worthy enough to live for my child. Part of me still doesn’t, but I know God didn’t bless me with this kid for no reason.”

A baby.

My Zeek was about to be a father.

A whole baby.

By another woman.

Static drummed loud in my ears and my heart slowed its race to forever. I wasn’t prepared for this. I never imagined this. In his line of work, yes, the possibility was always there, but who had time to think rationally when you’re in love with a man you forbid yourself from having? Neither of us had kids. There was a season when I was at the clinic far too often when birth control and condoms were cheaper.

But this…

This hurt.

“Talk to me, Sunnie. Say something.” His wayward eyes bore into mine. Wanting to know my inner thoughts, wanting words that I couldn’t put together.

Each time I tried to release his hold on my hands, he gripped me tighter. When I said let’s shift gears and talk about a lighter topic, I meant exactly that. Not something that broke my heart.

Was this my karma?

Was this God punishing me for how I treated my sister?

“My heart hurts, Zeek.” My voice quivered in an emotional hoarseness. “Us, the way we are with each other, the way I love you.” My limbs became limp, but he used our hands to keep my head up. He wanted to see my eyes. See my heartache. See the pain. “I always envisioned me being the mother of your children. Me being the woman you gave that blessing to. It just hurts that my dreams forever live in that dimension and will remain that… just a dream.”

His jaw clenched, and his hands slightly slacked. “How are we still not us, Sunnie Mae?” His thumb soothed the tremble in my bottom lip. “This baby doesn’t change anything between us. It will change me as a man for the better, which I’m pretty sure you’ll appreciate, however, that may look. But nothing between us changes. I’m not going to be with Crystal. We unintentionally created a child and I’ll take care of my responsibilities, but that’s it. I give you my word that you and I are safe. I promise you that.”

I heard Zeek.

I listened to his words, which were the balm my heart needed to soothe the pain, but doubt lingered because the what-if of his situation was still prevalent. Crystal might end up being the baby mama from hell. She may not want me around their child. She may want to try being in a relationship. There are a million and one different scenarios that can happen and as much as I wanted to fully put my trust in his promise, I couldn’t.

The unknown was way too unpredictable.

Changing the subject before he addressed my other concerns regarding us, I shook off my fears and tried to smile. “What’s the other thing you wanted to tell me?”

His lips curved into a smile but then it dropped just as fast. “We’re in this fight together. Remember that.” He kissed my hand, making my heart start to race again. “I wanted to surprise you and bring a little color and peace into your world as you’ve done for me for the last couple of days.” Soft knocks at his door ruined our moment. “I invited Aleyah here. She reached out to me when she heard about my mom and offered to do what she does best; make the heaviness light. She’s writing my mom’s obituary and singing a few songs at the funeral. If you can’t find it in your heart to speak to her nicely, then don’t. She and I will go out on my balcony and go over the program.”

Dear God, how much heartbreak were you going to allow me to suffer in one day?

This was too much.

I needed space.

“Let me go, Ezekiel.” I gritted.

“No.” He leaned in closer until our lips were a breath away. “Am I protecting her from you? Yes, I am. She’s a dear friend of mine, Sunnie. A very good friend of mine that I invited to my home and before your stubborn ass tries to say that you’ll leave, don’t try me. These doors lock with keys that I possess, and I don’t think you’ll jump thirty-four floors down trying to run from facing your problems head on. I won’t allow you to disrespect her in my presence because of your internal shit. Your my main priority, and as the keeper of your sanity, trust me that I’m still keeping your feelings at high regard.” He stood and walked to my side of the table and finally gave my soul the contact it needed. The minute his arms wrapped around my body, I became a limp emotional mess.

“Zeek…”

“Shhh. I know you’re scared, and I know you’re afraid to be vulnerable, but I got you, Sunnie Mae. I’m here with you. We promised to help each other. We said we were going to do the work to be better together.” Keeping an arm around my waist, he leaned me back to clean my face. “Don’t make this into something it’s not, Sunnie Mae. She’s here because I asked her to be… as my friend and your sister. Talk to her. You wanted this moment so be a big girl and handle your business.” Coaxing me into a state of ease, he kissed my lips and lingered there. Didn’t release me until he felt the tension and anxiety had simmered. “I would never do anything to harm you or hurt you, Sunnie. I really think this is some divine timing. How ironic is it that I invited her over here a day ago and today you reveal how you need help dealing with your relationship with her? God doesn’t make mistakes, Sunnie. She’s here for a reason bigger than me. She’s here for you, too.” One last hug and a kiss on my forehead. He went to open the door.

Whatever he saw by looking through the small peephole was enough for him to open the door with a gentle smile and not his usual pinched brow glare. My breathing slowed until I stopped breathing. Seeing him smile softly and reach a hand out to pull a dainty arm into himself and wrap her arms around him.

He hugged her as if he missed her.

He whispered in her ear as if they shared an unknown intimacy that only they knew the harmony of.

He helped her remove her coat and hang up her purse as if the comfortable space of his home was now her haven.

He kissed her forehead and hugged her again as if they were long-lost lovers finally reuniting.

My heart thumped loudly in my ear with each step they made towards me. Both were unaware that my outer shell of concrete confidence and strength had crumbled with each echo of her thick heeled boots. Never had their eyes left the other. Never had their hands untied. Never had their smiles faltered.

Finally, with nowhere to go, they reached the high top table, and even still, eighteen seconds passed before they remembered I existed.

Those golden Tourmaline brown eyes were captivating and sucked you in. “Hey, Sunnie.”

Hearing my name come off her envious, perfectly arched bowtie lips, anxiety coursed through my veins. “Hey Aleyah…”