10. Sunnie
Iremember the day her dad died.
My mom called me hysterically crying. Had me thinking someone in our family died. Barely able to say a word without hiccuping in her grief. After mom calmed down, we spoke briefly, and she shared how her first love, her middle school crush, and first husband, had passed away from cancer after destroying his body with drugs and alcohol over the years. It irritated my soul knowing she was so devastated over another man who wasn’t my father. She’s been remarried for over twenty years. That man shouldn’t have had her so distraught as a married woman.
Had she not asked me to call and check on Aleyah, I probably wouldn’t have done it. What was the point?
I called twice during my sister’s grieving period. Once to check on her and see if she needed anything, knowing damn well my promises were nothing but airless words. A second time to tell her that I wasn’t going to make it to the funeral.
My entire family showed up but me.
That was one of the first instances that I let her down.
Later on in life, some odd years later, she learned that I hadn’t been able to make it because I was at All-Star Weekend in New Orleans being wined and dined by a basketball player I was dating. Being on his arm, being the center of attention, and being the talk of all the blogs from the diamonds he dripped me in, and my face on the flyers for hosting the best parties was more important than sitting next to my sister in a pew at her father’s memorial service.
The second time was at her first book signing.
It was no surprise to me or anyone who knew Aleyah that she’d put her craft of wordsmithing romance into a book. I was proud of her. I really was. Even more proud when she got invited to be a featured author at a book event in Charlotte, North Carolina. When she shared the news and asked if I wanted to be her plus one, I accepted immediately. My big sister was moving up in the world. She was living her dreams. Those long nights of writing in her notebooks and sharing her stories on YouTube had paid off.
I backed out three weeks before the event.
Out of the fifty-two weeks in the year, I convinced Hillary that we needed to move the same weekend into a bigger space, although our apartment at the time was fine. I could’ve changed my move date. I could’ve planned better, but I didn’t. One of our cousins took my place, and all was forgotten… or so it seemed.
My priorities have always been a little one-sided.
Never showed up for her the way she wanted me to but expected her to be there for me quick fast and in a hurry.
“Thank you again for helping us out with the obituary. It means a lot to me.” Zeek finally pulled his eyes away from her and remembered that I was in the room. “While I look it over and process it all, why don’t y’all talk and catch up?” His eyes widened, and he motioned for me to open my mouth. He was horrible at this, like I was.
Aware of Zeek’s failed attempt to be subtle, Aleyah exhaled deeply. “I didn’t come over here for this, Ezekiel.” His shoulders and mine dropped at the same time. “Do whatever you need to do and text me with any changes. I have the original. You can keep that copy.” Not even giving me a second glance, she turned on the balls of her heels and marched towards the door.
“Sunnie, stop sitting there and open your mouth.” He gritted lowly before chasing after her. She almost made it to the front door before his socks sliding against the wood floor and placed his bulky frame between her and the door. “I apologize for ambushing you like this, Aleyah. I really am, but y’all need to talk. You may not have anything to say, but I know Sunnie does. Hear her out and then you can leave. Please?”
The petty part of me wanted to cuss his ass out for begging her to stay. All of this wasn’t necessary. Then the other part of me sat on the edge of my seat questioning the last two weeks that warranted her cold demeanor toward me.
When Aleyah sat down next to me, I expected her to wear a face of annoyance, or dare I say envy. I got nothing. Just a beautiful canvas of a concrete shell void of emotion yet radiating a confidence that made my ego bow down.
“I’ll be out on the balcony if y’all need me. Lee, don’t leave my house without saying goodbye.” Zeek winked, making the butterflies in my stomach stretch.
My sister and I sat there. Lips not moving, but a whirlwind of unspoken words circling us. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to apologize for. But how does one start? Am I supposed to jump right into it… “Hey, sis. I know the way I’ve treated you over the years was mean and harsh, but let me tell you why.” Nah, there had to be a better way.
“How was your flight?” Slow and steady always won the race, so I was going to pace our conversation.
Her eyes were always my biggest source of jealousy. As stupid and ridiculous as it sounds, I’m jealous of her eyes. How they expressed every emotion she felt without her having to verbally express. They were still beautiful gems of brown, but cold.
What has life done to my sister?
“It was fine.” Her voice was another envy of mine. A perfect mixture of rasp, softness, and edge. The perfect blend of innocent seduction.
When she spoke, people listened. Men became transfixed as her sweet raspy harmony broke down the hardest of exteriors. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Heard it with my own ears. I wanted to fight her the first time I witnessed her and Zeek in the same space. She asked ‘How are you feeling’ and that man felt so safe with her that he damn near told her his entire life story in one setting. All stemming from one question.
She had a superpower that I envied. I played it safe by keeping the men I deemed as mine far away from her prowess. They didn’t need to hear her siren voice.
“You can stop looking at me like I’m trying to steal your man, Sunnie.” Damn, was I talking out loud? “You and I both know that if I wanted Zeek, you wouldn’t be sitting here. Get over yourself.” The bite in her tone was flat and annoyed, shocking the hell out of me and making me feel dumber than dumb.
If the blogs and the world thought I was beautiful, then what did that make of my sister?
Breathtaking.
Elegant beauty with this secret added spice of hood that drives men wild. Aleyah held her own candle. One that held no competition to the next woman because you can’t compete where you can’t compare. There was no comparison when it came to her. I’ll give her that.
“Wow.” I chuckled out my surprised breath. “Girl, why are you giving me so much attitude? I ain’t did shit to you.” I was trying to be nice but she was going to get it all if she kept pissing me off.
Sitting up in her seat, she stared into my soul. The ugly parts of my soul were only created to torture her. Eyes shifting back and forth, narrowing when she found whatever she was looking for. “That’s why I’m here, Sunnie.” She pointed at my heart. “What is it that you need to talk to me about? Why did Zeek invite me here? There’s no reason for me to be here.”
“What happened to you, Aleyah?” I had to ask.
She put up this titanium wall that made it hard to penetrate especially when I wanted in. I wanted the softness of my sister that calmed me down with just a glance. I wanted the joy and peace that radiated off her by the pound.
Where was the Aleyah that I needed?
A soft smile touched her glossed lips. “Life happened, baby sis.” Her long lashes kissed her cheeks as her smile slowly slipped.
Oddly enough, I knew nothing about her life. Never cared enough to know the inner layers. “What’s so bad that you’re walking around with a chip on your shoulder?”
“Is it a chip on my shoulder or are you not used to me being closed off that you’re making false assumptions?” A single brow raised challenging me. “I’m not giving you access to my light, so now you’re pointing blame because you can’t get what you need from me. Hmm, how interesting?”
Ugh. Why did she have to be so complex?
It could never be black and white, but obscure colors.
Be the bigger person, Sunnie.
Changing the subject, I asked, “Why did you move to Chicago? Out of all the places to go, you pick the most random city ever. Did you think it would make you look better than me? Did you think that living in Chicago is better than living in LA? Come on now, Sis. You can’t be that dumb. We aren’t one and the same. You can’t do what I do and expect the same results.” As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. Squeezing my eyes shut, I pinched my nose and took several deep breaths. “That’s… that’s not what I meant and it was very mean of me to say and I shouldn’t have stooped so low even though you’ve been gunning for me since you got here.”
Silence.
She gave me silence and disconnect. Head tilted and those golden Tourmaline brown eyes bound me to my seat. “It always amazes me how the love of a man has the power to kick start the navigation system for accountability. A beautiful mirror showing those hidden flaws paired with the antidote to heal and renew. Cherish that, Sunnie. He’s seeing you at your worst and hasn’t left. Don’t let your pride and ego cause you to lose the blessing God has given you.”
I… I had no words.
Completely shocked and flabbergasted.
She amazed me, yet terrified me.
Ezekiel was the antidote to the mirror she held before me.
Looking around the condo, she settled her gaze on the balcony, watching Zeek talk on the phone. “When I found out his mom passed away, my heart broke for him. Shattered even. Mom and I may have our flaws in the way we love each other, but God knows I’m not prepared for the day He calls her home. Anyway, I volunteered to be whatever my friend needed me to be in his sensitive state. Same as I gave to you when Hillary died. Living in Chicago has taught me a lot of valuable lessons, but the latest one is understanding why people say that death comes in threes.” Her eyes transfixed on me and I gasped.
Was I about to die?
Were my dreams about to come true?
“The first death I experienced was the death of living in fear, worry, and doubt. It consumed me so much that I felt like I was suffocating. Dying, a gruesome, slow death, losing every bit of my sanity each day. Hence my move to Chicago. I never thought I’d leave my pink and purple walls at mom’s house, but I did. Quit my job and everything to follow God’s instructions.” Her smile that glowed in Zeek’s living room was not the smile I’d just seen. Her entire demeanor changed. Her whole being radiated. “I don’t know who told you that I was broke or homeless, but I’m far from that. My account may not reflect yours, but I’ve never gone without. Lake Michigan is my view every day and not from a cardboard box but a highrise condo.” She snorted, shaking her head.
I’m so confused.
Did she just say highrise apartment in Chicago? Where the rent is damn near twelve thousand a month?
“The second death I experienced was relationships.” Her bottom lip trembled and those mascara covered lashes blinked until her tears stayed put. Finally. Fucking finally she showed some emotion. “Nobody understood why I had to leave. Nobody tried to understand. People thought I was crazy, thought I lost my mind to leave everything I knew to move across the country. I’m very much sane. But see, that’s the thing about purpose. Walking in your purpose. It’s not supposed to be understood by anyone outside of you and God. Folks were affirming my downfall the minute I shipped my things. Nothing hurt me more than having to mourn relationships that I thought would last through the test of time. Then, the final death was people pleasing. Excuse my French, but that bitch was hard to lay at rest.” Her laughter caused the hairs on my arms to rise.
“I genuinely love loving on people, especially my family, and friends. I love helping in any way that I can. It’s a part of who I am. It’s my love language. God created me this way. Over the years, so many people took advantage of my kindness and selfless love. Just constantly taking and taking. Not once asking or offering to refill me up for my benefit. Seeing me empty yet asking me to deplete myself to dust, and then having the audacity to catch an attitude and cut me off when I decline one time to be there as if my previous record doesn’t show that I’ve been there. I’ve given all that I am every single time when asked and not asked. Declining because I’m so empty that I’m barely hanging on.”
Like a broken dam, tears flooded my face as her words pierced my heart over and over.
“I own my part in it too because I allowed them to treat me that way because their place in my life at the time was what was important. I had a piece of them. But then God asked me a question that shook me to my core. Why would do you want pieces of someone? Are you a dog that eats crumbs on the floor? Is that how you think I see you?” Her features became pinched as if the memory was too hard to digest. “I had to spend this time away from everyone. A season with just me and God, for Him to do a work in me. Show me my heart and the hearts of others. Show me how conditional loving humans are, but also show me that He’s always been there. Never changing.
“In the beginning, the silence was so deafening because everyone I thought cared for me, as they once said, wasn’t there in my darkest season ever. No one showed up. No one asked the right questions. God had to break me down, take it all away. The money, the fame, the job, the people, the creativity. He had to strip me bare of all the idols and things I placed before Him to show me that my dependence is on Him and not on people cause they will certainly disappoint you.”
Two lone tears were wiped away before they had the chance to free fall.
“I had to learn what my value is, and I had to learn my worth. Had to learn to be alone and find peace and love in that. You asked me what happened to me.” She sat up and leaned across the table. “Life happened to me. People happened to me.” She sat back and released an exhausted breath.
As painful as it was to hear her story, I was a glutton for punishment. “Why didn’t you call me Aleyah? You’re my sister. We could’ve been there for each other.”
She looked at me with pure disgust. “Delusion isn’t a color that you wear well, Sunnie. Ask yourself that question. Why have you not been there for me? Answer honestly.”
Maybe I was touched with a little of the delulu bug because I was asking shit that I knew the answer to but wanted to stall on revealing my ugly truth. I knew the answer without having to think about it.
“Truthfully…” Was I really about to do this? Was I really about to speak my truth? “I have a hardened heart towards you because I feel like you robbed me of so much of my childhood and teenage years.” I paused, swallowed the lump in my throat, and proceeded. It was too late to stop. I opened Pandora’s box and had to finish.
“Mom focused so much time, effort, and love on you that all I got was pacified crumbs. She was trying to right so many of her past wrongs with you that she often forgot about me. Then my dad.” My voice started to tremble. “Yes, he loves me and treats me like his princess, but his love faltered too. I expected his love to fill mom’s gaps only for him to do the same with you. Trying to be the father you never had while neglecting the only one who truly came from him.”
My eyes caught Zeek standing at the window, looking in with worry haunting his eyes. I gave a nod to assure him that I was okay, though I was far from it. Adulting and accepting accountability was hard, and I needed to finish this conversation even with the feeling that she and I would never be the same.
“You’ve always gone above and beyond to treat me with the utmost respect and unconditional love but I’m not able to reciprocate because my heart is rooted in jealousy and insecurity. Comparison is the thief of joy and you’ve unknowingly robbed me of my joy for decades because I’ve been on this hunt to make you suffer for my lack of attention as a kid. Making you suffer for taking my parents from me. Making you suffer for being you. Being jealous of you and also wanting to be you created this monster inside of me. I could’ve told mom how I felt and she would’ve included me more. I could’ve done the same thing with my daddy but I thrived off this made-up lie in my head, that if I become better than you in every avenue, they’ll see I’m the better daughter. On the exterior, I reign supreme over you, Aleyah. Yet, internally you have what I desire most - inner and outer beauty. Peace and freedom. I’m chained to the lies, hurt, pain, and whatever other evil I’ve succumbed myself to.”
“Wow.” Her raspy voice whispered, eyes glossed.
“I haven’t been there for you because that means letting go of the fuel that has pumped me to reach the success that I have. I’m not a good person when it comes to you, but I want to be. I want to heal the little girl in me, but it’s hard. So damn hard. You’ve always been there for me, Allie. Always.” My small voice sounded like I did when we were kids. Hearing it surprised us both.
“Don’t do that, Sunnie. Don’t try to victimize yourself and emotionally manipulate me.” She gritted, eyes narrowing. I wasn’t trying to do any of it on purpose. It’s a defense mechanism that has worked on everyone in my life. That broken little girl inside of me that I’ve been ignoring, not wanting to heal, she was screaming for her big sister to hold her, to love on her.
“I… I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I’m really sorry for not being there when you needed me.” Honestly, I was. She deserved better than me. My actions have been evil and hearing her story… I just wanted her to forgive me. I treated her like a stranger that had done some cruel shit to me. Aleyah has never ever harmed me.
Her perfectly arched lips curved into a smirk. “The part that hurts more than anything is that you aren’t sorry, Sunnie. You’re afraid, that’s it. Afraid of losing the man you love because he’s finally getting to see the real you. You’re afraid that those dreams will come true, so you feel that if you try to repair what God is showing you is broken, then the reality of the dreams coming true is slim to none. Am I right?” Aleyah’s level of discernment and wisdom were unearthly.
How did she know?
Why was God sharing my secrets with her?
“I release you, Sunnie Mae Austin. I release you from my heart.” Everything slowed down and my jaw dropped. What did she mean? “When I moved to Chicago, I started my forgiveness journey with myself and the people who have hurt me. At the hands of evil men, I’ve experienced abuse and trauma no human should ever endure. I have scars that will follow me for a lifetime. But the pain you caused me hurts worse, and that speaks volumes to how deep the wounds you inflicted hurt me. But I’ve forgiven you, I forgive you. Forgiveness is for myself, never for you. I need that to move on about my life. A life that doesn’t have you in it.”
Gasping, I tried to touch her, but she flinched like my touch was harmful. “Al-Aleyah, that isn’t…”
“Isn’t what? Fair. Baby sis, we’re past that phase. My decision comes from your actions of wanting to be the villain in my life story. I’ve never treated you less than the queen you are. You’re my blood sister, you rank higher than anyone, but you’ve always treated me like I was beneath you. Lower than a peasant. Never once have you shown up for me and you never will. You truly enjoy me suffering for reasons that I will not waste my time trying to understand. I don’t need you in my life, Sunnie. While I can’t control your actions, I can control how you treat me by removing myself and that’s what I’m doing. Protecting me from you. Loving me how I wanted you to love.”
My body shook uncontrollably as she hugged me. Soothed my sobs and held me as my world shattered. “I love you, Sunnie. I always will. I pray you find the happiness you’ve been chasing. Take care.”
Feeling her arms try to release me, I held on to her tighter. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. I can change. I can fix this.” Dear God, I needed a miracle.
This pain was unbearable. I’ve never felt anything like this before. It literally felt like she forced her hand through my chest and ripped my heart out.
This felt final.
“It’s too late, Sunnie.” She kissed my cheek and forced my arms to release her. Before she walked out the door, she waved to Zeek and promised that she’d be at the funeral.
Once the door slammed, my knees buckled, and I hit the tile hard and wept from the depths of my soul. Zeek lifted me and carried me to the couch, trying to wipe my tears and soothe my cries, but it was of no use.
It was too late.
I was too late.