17. Ezekiel
“I’ll have the results for you by mid-week.” Loosening the tourniquet around my arm, Jeremiah collected all blood and urine samples and placed them in his medical bag.
Same dance and song we performed every six weeks.
Unashamed, I sought him out to get tested and wait for the results that will either make or break me.
A month and some change has gone by since I had sex. A month and some change since I touched a drug or drank my favorite laced drink. I should’ve been shivering in a corner somewhere going through withdrawals but once again God gave me something I didn’t deserve - His grace and mercy. Maybe He knew that I wasn’t strong enough to go through it and survive alone.
The politics behind His reasoning to spare me didn’t matter.
I’m forever grateful that He, as my father, knew what His son could and couldn’t handle, and didn’t make me suffer.
“Uh…” We were in his basement turned man cave. Far away from the kids and Leann, they wouldn’t be able to overhear our conversation. It didn’t stop me from looking around and making sure we were the only ones down here. “I’m having some issues getting an erection. Sunnie has been in my space for months and I can count on one hand how many times my dick got hard. I think the drugs I was using are finally influencing me.”
Shifting into doctor mode, his head tilted and eyes narrowed, arms crossed across his chest. “If I’m not mistaken, we had this same conversation last year when your blood test came back positive for all those drugs.” Hard eyes and clenched jaw glared at me. A stance of a parent scolding their child. “You’re a glutton for punishment, Ezekiel. I told you this would happen, and you refused to listen. Forever thinking you’re invisible to the consequences of your actions. Now that you want to give your dick to somebody you actually care about, you want to get concerned about your health. Am I wrong?”
No, he wasn’t.
For years, Jeremiah has begged me to leave the drugs alone. Begged me to stop having unprotected sex with so many women. It didn’t matter that his medical office was on my payroll and all my staff and entertainers had to go to his office to get weekly and monthly tested. As a doctor, he knew the risk I put myself in by having sex and doing drugs, and now that I wanted to change career paths and get serious with Sunnie, I completely understood his frustration.
I used to be hardheaded and liked to get my dick wet.
“When was the last time you had sex and did drugs?”
“Some months ago.” I don’t think I’ll ever admit that I was on set making a video the same day mom died.
“I need you to give your body time to adjust and regroup. Go on a cleanse and a fast. Only vegetables, fruits, nuts, and alkaline water. A healthy detox. Do this for at least thirty days and you should slowly start to see a change. You can’t rush the process, Zeek. You’ve done a lot of damage to your body over the years and want quick results. That’s not how this works. Be patient with yourself. Love on your temple. You only get one.” My brother was right. He spoke not one wrong word.
I used to think fulfilling all my lustful desires was equivalent to treating my body good. Whatever or whomever I craved, I acted on it with no shame. What was the point of being selfish with me when there was enough of me to go around to every woman I wanted?
Small thinking.
“What else is on your mind? While I enjoy your company, you’ve been hiding in my basement for two days. Are you ready for Sunnie to leave and don’t know how to tell her?”
Ha, never.
My reasoning for hiding out at his house wasn’t because of Sunnie. She knew where I was and who I was with. We talked throughout the days that I’ve been here. It was her idea for me to even come here to clear my head after that bullshit popped off with Crystal. I hadn’t been able to bounce back after hearing how I treated her.
“I fucked up, Mi. I’ve made a lot of selfish decisions in my life, but this one takes the cake.” Tugging my beard, I looked down at my phone, hoping today would be the day Crystal responded to me and not went through Sunnie.
She’s carrying my baby, not hers.
“I’m listening.” Going into his mini fridge, he took out two waters and handed me one before sitting on the stool across from me.
Jeremiah has run every blood test I’ve ever requested since he graduated from med school. He’s even been the one performing the DNA test on babies that women have tried to pin on me over the years. But when it came to Crystal, I made sure we went somewhere far. To California and a doctor who wasn’t in the same circles as my brother.
Guilt and pride had me running in the opposite direction.
Shame kept my lips sealed.
Why?
If I brought Crystal to Jeremiah and he got the results back that I was indeed the baby’s father, then I’d have to admit he’s about to become an uncle because I purposely asked her to keep the baby. I’d have to admit that this was my trump card for mom. Giving her a piece of what she’s always asked of me. Trying to do right, though it was unorthodox as hell.
Going to the text, I enlarged the black-and-white photo before handing him my phone. “You’re going to be an uncle.”
I watched a series of emotions hurdle across his face. For a while, he sat scratching his beard, staring at the photo. When he pulled out his phone and enlarged the photo to the corner where all her information was typed, I leaned over to see what he was doing. This fool was googling her name, and this was the part that had me worried.
The judgment.
“She’s a beautiful woman. Very beautiful.” He handed my phone back with a smirk. “Can’t say that I’m surprised. I knew it would happen sooner than later. How do you feel? How does she feel?”
If only he knew.
Scratching behind my ear, I took another look at my phone to see if she had responded. “She hates me right now and, to be honest, I don’t blame her.” After Crystal made it clear she didn’t need my help financially or with the health insurance, that made me feel a way. Made me feel pissed as hell if she was still out here busting it wide open while carrying my child.
So, I went looking.
Pulled up our filming schedule over the last four months and upcoming. Pregnant porn is a big seller in the adult industry. A beautiful woman with an even more beautiful glow equaled top dollar. I knew the game. I knew the industry, but I’ll be damned if she was going to be a part of that freak show, and luckily for my sanity she wasn’t.
How did she make her money?
Ironically, doing the same thing Sunnie does; a social media influencer but for pregnant women. Brand endorsements from major brands. Collaborations and posting content that gained attraction. She made her money from social media. Going down a rabbit hole on her TikTok account, I found that she had this whole enlightening moment when she first heard the baby’s heartbeat. Even showed the video of her reaction and how that moment changed her life. How she questioned why God would bless a woman like her to be a mother when she’d showed her body off to the masses. Of course, you had the trolls and mean people who judged and slandered everything she said, but the good comments and support outweighed the bad tremendously. I went to her Twitter account to see just how far removed she was from the industry and she deleted her old account and started a new one with no nudes or anything. Tried to find her OnlyFans account and came up empty-handed. Same thing with all the other sites she used to use.
I wanted to be pissed at her for not telling me that that’s not what she wanted to do anymore. But again, I was to blame.
She sent text messages and voicemails asking if I’d remove her content. Explaining how she didn’t care about the money and even wanted to set up a payment plan for the funds she’d been given and wanted to pay back. Checked my email and there were several emails from her begging me to delete her entire catalog. Yes, it was the internet, but I had the power to get her removed from the top sites.
Money talked and bullshit walked.
On my way over to Jeremiah’s house, I called my IT manager and website maintenance director and told them to delete everything with her in it and text me when it was done. After that call, I got on another with my accountant and had him deposit a nice I’m sorry deposit along with setting up bi-weekly deposits into her account. Last call was to HR. I hadn’t made a final decision on whether I was going to sell my company or dismantle it completely, but I knew I had to move on from it, and until then Crystal would receive the same benefits I had until that time came. Once our child was born, they’d be covered too.
Fucked up part of it all, handling those three tasks, and having three conversations took less than forty-five minutes. It caused me no harm or foul. I’m such an asshole. I refused to label myself as a fuck nigga, approaching the border, but not there yet.
“She’s five months pregnant. We’re supposed to find out what she’s having next week.” I hope her heart softens towards me by then. “Prior to me recently seeing her and earlier on in her pregnancy, I neglected Crystal. Hadn’t seen her since the day we took the DNA test, me and three other dudes. The wildest shit I’ve ever been a part of, but I knew it was mine deep down. It wasn’t intentionally planned, but I played a major part in her decision to keep it.”
“Because of mom?” There was no hiding with Jeremiah. He knew me better than anyone.
“Yeah.” I’d yet to admit that to anyone but him. “I stopped caring after mom died. It’s like it didn’t matter anymore. That fuck part of me had myself thinking some messed up shit. Not answering her calls or texts. Giving a thousand and one excuses why I hadn’t done things in her favor for the health and safety of my child. Then when I do see her and she stands on business and tells me what it is and isn’t going to be, I get in my damn feelings. She won’t talk to me. I have to go through Sunnie for all communications because I lost that privilege when I ignored her.”
I don’t think labeling Crystal as a baby mama from hell fits. If anything I was the baby daddy from hell. Trifling and every harsh word I’m sure she spewed in her friend’s group chat. She and I had to come to a medium, and right now I knew her decisions were protection and emotionally led. While I appreciated Sunnie stepping in where she wasn’t asked, that was my child. Crystal is my child’s mother.
“In hindsight at least you don’t have to worry about whether or not she and Sunnie will get along. When do you plan on telling people?”
If I had my way, no one would know and from the information I found on Crystal’s page, she felt the same way. In the comments, people asked who the child’s father was, and she either ignored them or said somebody’s son.
I was somebody’s son alright.
“Not sure. My immediate circle knows, and that’s all that I care about right now. I’m sure if she wanted the world to know she would’ve blasted it to the blogs by now.” That was another thing I respected about Crystal. During the DNA process, she was adamant about keeping all of us from crossing paths and not knowing names out of respect for her privacy and safety, and the privacy of us individually. She never shared who the other potentials were, only stating that she needed us to take a test to get eliminated as a potential. The group chat wasn’t your standard chat. Crystal used one of those messaging systems that only allowed her to communicate. I couldn’t see the numbers of the other men. It labeled us all as ‘man 1, man 2, man 3, and man 4.’ If I wanted to talk to her or she wanted to speak to me directly, she texted me from her number.
Technology for your ass.
“I’m about to be an uncle.” His smile reached ear to ear. “Congratulations, man. Hug me.”
My shoulders felt lighter. Not that I was seeking Jeremiah’s approval, but his reaction and judgment added over twenty pounds of unwanted stress. I needed his support and reassurance. Outside of Sunnie, he’s all the family I had.
“Thanks, man.”
We talked for another hour before Leann and the kids came down. He filled me in on dad. How he’s been staying with his family in Georgia and put the house on the market. I had no intentions of buying it, nor did Jeremiah. Leann had already gone over to get the things of mom’s that we wanted. I tried calling him once and learned he had me blocked. Jeremiah spoke to him a few times, but that’s as far as their relationship went.
Long ago I accepted that when mom passed away, I’d be mourning two parents.
* * *
After leavingmy brother’s house, I stopped by Whole Foods and spent way too much money on the extensive list of groceries Jeremiah told me to pick up. Double of everything because I wanted Sunnie to do the detox with me. Make it our spiritual sabbatical.
“These are the new neon gel nail strips for my hot girl hotties wanting to add some razzle dazzle for the summer. They come in all colors but done so in neon. See how the yellow is popping against all this melanin.” Doing what she does best, Sunnie was sitting at the island recording a video demonstrating her up-and-coming launch.
It’s been weeks since I first washed her hair and put it in two braids. Now, she refused to wear any other style. Every Sunday evening, I washed and conditioned her hair and gave her the same two braids.
It became a part of our routine.
A good amount of silence passed, making me think she was finished, so I told her the reason for all the groceries. “Sunnie Mae, I think my dick is broken.”
Gasping, she damn near broke her laptop, trying to slam it shut. “Ezekiel, what the hell?” Her high-pitched squeal and wide eyes had me laughing hard as shit. “I can’t believe you said that while I was on live, and it’s not that damn funny.” Oh, but it was that damn funny. “Shut up!” She threw a pack of her nail strips at me.”
I haven’t laughed this good in a long time. It definitely felt good to my soul.
“I’m sorry.” I took advantage of all the skin she was showing wearing a tank top with no bra. Kissed all over her neck and face, still no hard on. Turning her chair towards me, I sat down and stared at Sunnie.
The most beautiful canvas God created.
“What do you mean, your dick is broken? Did you slam it in the door? Caught it in your zipper?” Doe eyes and full lips, her eyes zeroed in on the crotch of my sweats as if she should see what the cause was.
“None of that. I have erectile dysfunction. Can’t tell you the last time I had a natural hard on. It’s been some years. Either I’m on pills or my liquor is laced.” My thumb caressed the crease out of her forehead. “I got a junkie dick and now the shit won’t work on its own, so Jeremiah told me to detox for a month.” I wanted to make light of a serious situation, but that didn’t stop Sunnie’s doe eyes from pooling with worry.
“Do you miss it? Miss not being on set?” She held her breath, waiting to see if my words were going to break her heart.
“I miss the rush and excitement of the business but not the sex.” She tried to hide her sigh of relief by fake sneezing. “I built an empire and dismantling that empire is going to take a lot. It might be easier to sell, I don’t know, but my Damien days are over.” Because of you and my mom.
Being extra, she started feeling my head with the back of her hand. Stretching my eyes and checking my pulse. “Wow. I’m… I’m happy. Mr. Deep Stroke has retired ladies and gentlemen.” She smirked, tugging my beard.
Taking her hands in mine, I kissed each finger. From her manicured nails to her tatted wrist. Praised her soft hands that have been the anchors to help me to stand. Her lashes swept across her cheek with each flutter. Lips parting, giving those gasping breaths an escape. She was transfixed on my lips and I was transfixed on the vein in her neck, thumping. The vixen set ablaze everything in my body. Everything but my damn dick.
Leaning over until her lips brushed across mine, she whispers, “Why are you staring at me like that? What’s on your mind?” Back and forth, her lips became the balm mine so desperately needed.
“Sunnie Mae, your beauty touches my soul. I often find myself wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve someone as extraordinary as you. Yet, I am grateful that fate intertwined our paths.” Gently lifting her hand, I pressed a tender kiss to her knuckles, drawing her ever so close until our foreheads met in union. “You didn’t just enter my life; you became its saving grace. That night, had your voice not reached through the darkness, calming the pain within me, it scares me to think where I might be right now. Your call was a beacon, guiding me back to a life worth living, right here beside you.”
As she leaned in, her nose gently nudging against mine in a playful yet intimate gesture, she sealed our connection with a kiss. It was soft, tender, yet it ignited a fire within me, a primal urge to protect and cherish. My stomach tightened, not in nervous anticipation, but in a deep, resonant response to her touch. “Ezekiel.” her voice was steady, imbued with a conviction that resonated to my core. A soothing balm, laden with unwavering faith. “The chapters of your life are far from complete. God’s plans for you stretch beyond the horizon, vast and unfathomable. I am but a humble conduit, a bearer of His will. Remember, it’s the continuation of your story that holds divine significance, nothing less. Our paths are guided by a force far greater than us. I’m here, by your side, but it’s your journey that’s being carved by His hand. You’re destined for greatness, far beyond what we see. I’m merely a companion, a witness to the strength and chapters yet to unfold in your story.”
Dear God, I want to marry this woman.
I hadn’t been concerned with my inability to perform sexually because our time together required so much more than physical intimacy could ever nurture the wounded wounds inside of me. Women of my past would have opened their legs, thinking that’s the remedy for my weariness. The physical aspect of relationships never ranked high on my list, not out of disinterest, but because mere physicality couldn’t satisfy the depth of connection I sought. Women from my past mistook their willingness to spread their legs as the cure-all for my battles, thinking temporary pleasures could somehow bandage deeper wounds. A temporary bandage. Sure, the thrill of the flesh has its moments, but it’s fleeting. Sunnie, though, she pierced deeper, offering intimacy that transformed me, reaching into the very core of my being, making me feel understood and supported in ways I never thought possible.
She committed to me without any formal oaths, her loyalty and faith a testament far more powerful than any vow spoken before a priest. Her submission wasn’t just in form, but in spirit, aligning herself with a higher purpose that also honored our bond. Facing my own vulnerabilities head-on, I laid bare my struggles with erectile dysfunction, expecting it to shake our foundation. Yet, she stood unwavering.
Financial turmoil loomed as I contemplated the future of my company, a test of our resolve ‘for richer or for poorer.’ Through every trial, including personal conflicts and facing the reality that she won’t be the mother of my first child, her strength and dedication never wavered. Her love wasn’t just in words but in actions—praying fervently for me in an airport as I battled my darkest thoughts, setting aside her own pain to support my grieving heart. That’s the kind of love that doesn’t just last but changes you, molds you into something better.
Sunnie’s unwavering presence, her ability to love me through every storm, every challenge, reaffirmed my belief in us, reaffirmed my belief in God. In a world where I’ve always had to be the strongest, the toughest, she showed me the power of a different kind of strength—emotional resilience, and unconditional support.
She’s my person, the one whom my soul loves.
“Something else matters too.”
“What’s that?”
“I want you, Sunnie. As my friend, my intercessor, my lover, my woman, and my future. I want to date you seriously. Continue getting to know you on a deeper and personal level. Make the foundation of our friendship stronger. Take you out on dates, show you off, and fall deeper in love with you. Become more obsessed with you. Sunnie, listen to me. You’re not just someone I want by my side; you’re the one I need. As my confidant, my spiritual anchor, my passionate lover, my woman through and through, and the future, I refuse to see without you. I’m not talking about casual dating here. I’m all in, determined to dive deeper into the essence of who you are.
“It’s about strengthening the core of what we’ve already built, solidifying an unbreakable bond. I plan to take you out, show the world the incredible woman by my side, and let my pride in us be seen by all. With every moment, every date, I’ll find new ways to fall even harder for you, to become utterly captivated by you. This isn’t just about love; it’s about an obsession that’s growing, a desire so deep it can’t be quenched. I’m laying it all out, Sunnie. My cards are on the table because you deserve nothing less than my utmost honesty and commitment. I want to explore every facet of our connection, to build a future that’s as enduring as it is passionate. You’re my choice, my priority, and I’m ready to prove that to you, every single day.”
“Whew, shit, Ezekiel.” Fanning her eyes, trying not to cry. It was pointless. Outside of my mom, no woman on this earth can claim the title of knowing what my love felt like. What it felt like to be loved by me. “Just ask for my hand in marriage already, so I know it’s real.” Oh, she thought this was a game.
“Marry me, Sunnie. Will you marry me? Bullshit aside, marry me.” I was dead serious.
Why did we have to wait?
I knew she was it for me.
“Zeek,” her voice, a whisper against the backdrop of my world, as she leaped into my arms, finding solace in her sanctuary—my chest, her face hidden in the curve of my neck, a place she claimed as her own. “My emotions feel tangled, Zeek. My heart is beating so fast, singing this tune of blues that speaks of our wild, untamed love. You know I’d leap into forever with you right this second, vows and all. But I crave the journey, Zeek. The unfolding story of us. From the thrill of being unequivocally yours to the anticipation that bubbles up with a ring, leading to the moment we stand before our future, declaring our forever. I want to savor each chapter, every season with you—our laughter, our challenges, everything that makes us, us. Let’s indulge in every phase, from fiery beginnings to engagements that promise more. And when the day comes that your heart declares it’s time to be one, know that my answer has always been, and will always be, a resounding yes.”
I don’t deserve her.
“We need to also factor in you becoming a father, Zeek. Our lives are about to change in a few months but that baby will be both of our responsibilities.” Sunnie could have anything she wanted. Every move we made, she made sure to insert my child into each scenario. From making sure we picked the right home to stepping in and assisting me with Crystal.
“I understand what you’re saying, but I can prioritize. Granted, my actions of the past reflected differently, but together we can figure out how to do this without anyone feeling neglected. I don’t want you to leave, Sunnie. I’m going to make mistakes; all I ask is that we keep the open communication as we’ve been doing.” Having Sunnie in my life gave me all the reassurance that everything was going to be okay.
We were going to be okay.
I’m going to be okay.
She’s going to be okay.
“Are you completely done with that aspect of your life? It’s one thing that your dick is a strap-on mold sold worldwide, but I refuse to build with you if you’re giving what is supposed to be mine away. We’re going to get tested together. No sex for a minimum of six months. I don’t want sex to cloud our judgment. We’ve done that in the past. I want our foundation to be solid before we make love. Weekly dates, even after the baby comes. Communicate with me, Ezekiel. Don’t shut me out. Are you okay with my small demands?” She held her pinky against her lips, smiling.
Locking my finger with hers, I pressed my lips against hers and sealed our promise. “I’m more than okay.”