16. Sunnie
Outside of mourning the losses thrown my way lately, tears have become an added feature to my daily moisturizing routine. I’ve heard the stories. I’ve seen the post. I’ve watched the movies. I’ve listened to the songs. However, nothing prepared me for the moment when God said it was my turn. My turn to experience the kindness and gentleness of a man outside of my daddy. One day I’m dealing with the detrimental repercussions of being the mean girl all my life to being loved on by the man of my dreams. Unable to stop my heart and soul from crying because it’s like I fell right into this man’s arms and he tattooed his love all over me.
An armor of empathy that shatters every myth and seed of doubt I once carried.
It didn’t make sense.
When I look in the mirror, I see a filthy, muddy being. A childish woman unable to put away childish things. Then here comes Ezekiel with his purity of heart, wanting nothing but to shower me in the gentleness of his dominance and new beginnings to the point one kiss, one touch of his hand, one wink of his eye makes me feel baptized afresh.
Clean.
New.
Whole.
God gives all of his children different spiritual gifts. That is true. Ezekiel’s gift is healing. His hands were blessed to have the healing touch. May was the worst month of my life. Thirty-one days of gruesome pain. Some self-inflicted and some not. Regardless of how my pain came about, every time I felt myself get lost in the darkness of my suffering, he found me and healed me. Whether it be me lying in his bed unwilling to eat or hiding out on his balcony. Whenever he did find me and wrap me in his arms, one touch of his hands caused my body, my heart, to heal. Once I felt God’s healing power through his hands, my mouth vomited my lies and truth, and once I was done exposing who I truly am, there was Ezekiel with his healing hands ready to heal the ugly out of me with his gentleness and kindness.
When he asked me to strip naked for him, immediately my heart dropped and sadness covered me. Why would he choose the moment when I was drowning to try and have sex with me? Any other day I’d happily throw this malnutrition coochie at him, but it was the wrong time. No man has ever asked to see me, the real version without makeup. Another moment of Zeek sweetly overwhelming me with his kindness and gentleness. Wanting to strip me of everything that made me Sunnie for the world and down to Sunnie Mae, his girl. My heart felt like it was on the cusp of bursting. Not a day has gone by in the years we’ve been friends that I’ve never felt at ease and safe with him. Safe to be naked with no makeup and showing all the crevices of my internal being. He loved my mood swings. Loved how one minute I wanted to live in his skin and the next I was a sourpatch kid.
He’s never asked anything of me, so when he asked to see me naked, I freely dropped all of my facades and exposed myself to him. Forever patient and gentle with me when I haven’t been to others. His washing of my hair and putting it in two pigtails that I refuse to take out was the cherry on top.
He loves me kindly.
He loves me gently.
He loves me for who I am.
“Do you like this place better than the last one?” He and I were apartment shopping. Regardless of him not wanting to address it, in a few months he was going to be a father and his current one-bedroom condo wasn’t going to work.
We were still sleeping on the air mattress, which I found to be cute and romantic. He hadn’t complained about it not being enough for his solid frame, but I knew it was coming.
Overlooking the beautiful view of West Palm Beach, I turned to him and gave another reminder that I wasn’t the primary focus. Though I loved that he put my consideration first, his child’s needs had to be at the top of that list.
“Do you think your child can grow here comfortably?” His creased, bushy brows didn’t like my answer. “Seriously, Zeek. This high rise is no different than your current place. Ocean view, penthouse, and all luxury. This says you, not a baby. Granted you can raise a child in this environment for at least the first year of its life, but what happens when the child grows up and starts walking? That balcony door will need to stay locked. Parks aren’t that far. Again, it can work but we’ve also seen some really nice family homes that could work just as well too.”
Plopping down on the sofa, he ran a hand over his freshly twisted locs and sighed. “You’re right. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, Sunnie.”
My poor baby was stressed. Taking a seat next to him, our fingers intertwined, and his frown softened. “You know what you’re doing, Zeek. You’re afraid of messing up and that’s okay. You know better than anyone that parents aren’t going to be perfect. They’ll make mistakes, the same as the kid. But that’s where grace and patience come in. Give yourself grace, Love. The fact that we’re out here looking at places for your child shows that you’re already taking into consideration you want the baby to feel comfortable and protected. You got this.” I nudged his shoulder, earning a low chuckle.
“Yeah, you’re right.” He started to play with my fingers, shoulders once again heavy with whatever thoughts were running wild in his head. “How are you feeling about all of this, about my child? We’ve yet to go in-depth about us and what it is that we’re doing and plan on doing but I know I want you, Sunnie. I want us. I went from being a single man to now a package deal with a kid. Is that something you even want with me?”
Whew, be steady my beating heart.
Turning until my eyes leveled with his, I spoke honestly, “Being in your life means being in your child’s life, and the last thing I want to do is create a revolving door situation. That’s not fair to you and definitely not fair to your child.” The old me would’ve said no and left him sitting where he was. But this new version of me that we were slowly creating was all in. “I love you, Ezekiel. We’ve been coasting on this unspoken turf of existing in each other’s spaces, romancing our wounds, and adding pages to our story. To me, to my heart, you’re it for me. I want this with you. Yes, when you revealed to me that you were about to be a father to another woman’s baby it crushed me. Paralyzed all my hopes and dreams until I digested and accepted. If I say that I love you that means I have to love everything attached to you.” I had to cover my mouth and stop the gasp from spewing out once the realization hit me.
My daddy.
Aleyah might’ve already been born when he met my mom but her existence never stopped him from pursuing her. Damn, God had a sense of humor. Here I was judging my daddy. Creating these fucked up scenarios in my head to justify my jealousy when I’m in the same predicament.
Wow.
Look how the tables have turned.
“I’m sorry. I just had a revelation about my daddy. Anyway, I want a family with you. I want a family with your child. We can do this and we’re going to do this.” Anxiety, a good anxiety, pumped through my veins like hot ice.
My answer must’ve been the answer he’s been seeking. My back rested on the sofa and his tongue parted my lips. Nastily, this man assaulted my mouth in the best way possible. My moans were loud and disrespectful. I’ll apologize to the realtor later.
“Shit.” With my bottom lip in his possession, his pelvis grinded against my lower extremities creating such a satisfying friction. “Hold on, baby. Hello.” He sat up, pulling me up with him. “I know, Crystal, and I’m sorry. I really am. Are you home now? Okay, give me twenty minutes. Do you need anything? Are you supposed to be eating that? What… but… fine. I’m on my way.” He hung up, smiling. “Wanna meet the mother of my child?”
Oh, shoot.
Were we really about to do this?
“Yes, I want to meet her.”
After informing the realtor that we had some decisions to make and we’d call her when we did, he picked up food from Ola Ola and headed towards Sawgrass. Like Zeek, Crystal lived in a highrise right by the Sawgrass Mall. Top-floor penthouse condo with an immaculate view. I had all the time in the world to look her up to see what she looked like but I didn’t. Wanted our first meeting to be as authentic as possible. She hadn’t blown up Zeek much in the four months and a half that she’s been pregnant, so I didn’t get the vibe that she was going to be a nuisance.
“Damn, you’re big as hell.” Those were Zeek’s first words to her when she opened the door.
“Ezekiel.” I punched him in the arm. That was rude as hell.
Crystal, on the other hand, found it funny as hell. “Thanks for the reminder. Come in.”
Crystal might’ve been an adult entertainer he only messed with onset, but one look at her confirmed that Zeek had a type. Bronze skin tone. Wide hips and a fat ass type. In a sports bra and basketball shorts, the casual attire did nothing to diminish her beauty. Chinky hazel eyes and full lips that curved into a beautiful smile showing all-white teeth. A hint of jealousy hit me watching him ogle her. Not in a lustful way, but in a way of recognition. Her four-and-a-half-month belly with the poked out belly button extended substantially and his hands gravitated like a magnet.
“My bad, Crys. When you said you gained weight and sent me the pictures… was that a kick?” Pure shock covered his handsome face and my heart started to beat fast.
This isn’t about you, Sunnie.
I wanted to give him these first moments.
Giggling, Crystal moved his hands higher on her belly and his head dropped. “Baby Donovan is very active.”
Goodness, this was going to be a long visit. Do you know what you’re having?” I finally found my voice.
“You found out without me?” His deep voice vibrated against the walls.
Not at all phased by his outburst, Crystal sat on her deep cushioned plush couch and prayed over her food, totally ignoring the hovering man. “If you’re upset with anyone it should be yourself.” She never raised her voice, completely calm and soft. “I’ve called you, Ezekiel. Called and texted you when I had appointments and you’ve done nothing but send me to voicemail or ignore me. Like I told you in the beginning, I’m not going to force you to do a damn thing. You’re a grown ass man.”
I liked her.
Liked her a lot.
Mouthful of refried beans, those hazel pools landed on me. “You must be Sunnie. Nice to officially meet you. This man of yours talked about you all the time.”
Shut the freakin’ front door.
I wasn’t expecting her to say that. Damn sure didn’t think he talked about me to his… his playmates. “Um, nice to meet you too.”
“And no, I haven’t found out the sex yet. Every time I go, the baby’s legs are crossed.” Her eyes rolled. “Stubborn like it’s damn daddy.”
I really liked her.
Ezekiel found no humor in her taunting. Crystal devoured her food completely ignoring him, watching the new season of Love is Blind making it perfectly clear that we were in her space and on her time. Accepting defeat, Zeek took a seat on the sofa next to her and waited.
“Are you done pouting?” Snickering and shaking her head, Crystal closed her container and paused the show. “Ezekiel, all this.” Her fingers fluttered his way. “Don’t bring all that negative energy in here.”
“Can I?” He motioned towards her stomach.
“Go ahead.” Her container ended up back in her hands and his hands moved all over her stomach.
“Award me a little grace. I don’t know what I’m doing. Can you…”
“Don’t do that.” Mouthful, she closed her container again and glared at Zeek. “This entire situation is me giving you grace. I never wanted this and you know that.” Her teary eyes and quivering bottom lip made me feel sad. “Ugh, I hate getting so emotional.”
When she started to pace, I started to get uncomfortable. Is this chick overly emotional because of hormones or psychotic and on the verge oflosing her shit?
“In the four and a half months that I’ve been pregnant, I’ve physically seen you twice and talked to you and not your voicemail four times. I-I… I don’t like that you’re punishing me for something I didn’t intentionally do. No, I’m not asking you to be here twenty-four-seven. I’m not asking you to rub my feet or get me food when I crave certain things. What I am asking for is that you keep your end of the bargain because this ain’t it. You’ve never been to a single appointment. I had to send you a voice note so you could hear the baby’s heartbeat.” Crystal looked beyond crushed, and I truly felt for her.
Zeek had yet to pick his head up and take accountability for his actions. Regardless of the curve balls life had thrown, him intentionally ignoring her wasn’t cool. It wasn’t right at all.
“Crys, I’m…”
“And then you won’t call the HR lady back to approve the insurance verification at the company you own. These appointments aren’t cheap. These pregnancy classes aren’t cheap but not once have I hounded you for money. You don’t have an ounce of respect for me, I get it. The mother of your child is a harlot who enjoys artistically expressing herself through sex. But this baby didn’t ask to be here and I for damn sure didn’t ask to be in this situation. I hate to believe that the only reason you decided to come here today is because you’re trying to show Sunnie that you’re ready to handle your responsibility as a man so she can swoon and pin over you being the supportive father.”
Damn!
She did not have to call him out like that.
Now I was sitting here scratching my head wondering if that’s the real reason he had me here.
“Let me make it simple.” With clasped hands, she leaned down into his face. “Keep that same energy you’ve been giving. Do you and I’ll do me. When I find out the sex of the baby, I’ll let Sunnie know so she can pass the good news on to you. I’m sure you’d respect her enough to actually listen to what she has to say. My family will probably throw me a baby shower. I’ll make sure to send Sunnie a list of everything I have, so if you decide to get the same for your place, so be it. And don’t ask what it is that I need. I’ll get it myself. When I go into labor, you’ll be the first to know because I’ll group text both of you. Sounds good, right? Awesome. Now, can you please leave?” Poked out belly button leading the way, she opened the door and waved us out.
“Crystal, please let me explain.” I knew he wasn’t going to sit down for long after everything she said. “I have no excuse for not being there for you. Just please let me fix it.”
“That’s the thing, Ezekiel, I don’t want you to fix it. When I needed you to, you weren’t there for me. I know it’s been hard since your mom died. I won’t take that pain from you. But she passed away almost a month ago. I’ve been pregnant for four and a half months. Please leave.”
Why did this scenario feel like déjà vu?
Same story, different cast.
She’s Aleyah, and he’s me.
She needed help with something very important and he ignored her, refusing to come to her rescue.
Just like me and my sister.
Wow.
Waving the red flag, Zeek held his hand out for me. His eyes had yet to pull from her belly. Though her delivery was harsh, I didn’t fault Crystal for how she felt. To be honest, I would’ve flipped my shit and became the baby mama from hell, especially after finding out he’s been boo’d up with another woman. Conviction hit me too as his unofficial but official woman. Not once have I urged this man outside of today to reach out and handle his business.
Nope.
Selfishness choked me good, wanting to stay in our love bubble.
“Nice to meet you, Sunnie. Get my number from him so I can start looping you in on what’s going on with the baby. If I don’t hear from you.” She shrugged. “Trust me, I won’t take it personal. Bye.” Her door closed and we left feeling like we got our asses beat.
I felt the rage rolling off his body in waves.
He said nothing on the elevator ride. Forever the perfect gentleman, he helped me in the car and buckled my seatbelt. But as soon as he got in and started the car, he released all his anger on the poor steering wheel.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” he yelled over and over.
I started to fix my mouth to say everything was going to be okay, but I wasn’t sure.