Chapter 25 #2
‘I bet you never thought you’d hear me say that.’ And right now, no matter the revelations, it felt like a good time to admit that things hadn’t been so clear-cut back then.
Gayle’s expression softened. ‘I knew deep down you had a good heart. You were just angry at the world, and I got in the way.’
‘I should’ve given you more of a chance, I should’ve let Addie be more independent.’ She looked around the Sweet Life Café. ‘I remember how often we’d come here and wait for you to finish up your working day. I think the smell of pudding was in the walls, it was always so comforting.’
‘I thought you always hated it here.’
‘I never hated it. I resisted it. There’s a difference.’ She remembered fond things about living here. She’d tried to block them all out, but lately they were creeping back in. ‘Do you remember joking that the Raffertys would always do pudding before dinner?’
Gayle’s distress was replaced with a smile of her own. ‘I do remember that. I thought it was a little bit of fun.’
‘Even that I tried to resist, thought I knew best, that you were being irresponsible to teach us such a thing.’
‘You were forced to grow up too quickly when you lost your parents.’
Louisa emerged with a tray holding three mugs, a teapot, a little jug of milk, a small bowl of sugar cubes, and spoons. She looked nervous, unsure of herself.
Susanna picked up the teapot. ‘Let me.’ As she poured them each a cup, nobody said a word.
At last, with her cup of comforting tea in front of her, Susanna explained, ‘I’ve known about Dad’s affair since I was eleven years old.’
‘Oh, Susanna.’ Gayle shivered.
Susanna prompted Gayle to drink the tea.
She looked pale. Perhaps it was the shock, the panic that Susanna was going to get mad with her at this latest revelation.
Maybe she remembered how mad she’d got over Mateo, how she’d yelled at her aunt, told her she couldn’t wait to leave this shitty island.
‘I’ll go get your cardigan from the kitchen,’ said Louisa and went off to fetch it.
‘Did Addie always know too?’ Gayle asked desperately, when it was just the two of them.
She shook her head. ‘Addie has always had Dad on a pedestal. I never wanted to ruin that for her. What would’ve been the point? I kept it to myself.’
‘You always protected your sister. You always looked out for her.’
‘I probably did it too much. And now she’s upset, especially with me for withholding the truth. That’s why she ran off tonight.’
‘She’ll forgive you, of that, I’m sure. But she just learned her dad wasn’t infallible.’ A look of concern passed across her face. ‘This explains a little why Addie always talked about Harry with such devotion and you always… Well, you held back a bit.’
‘It’s not that I hated him for it. I was angry, but I still loved him.’
‘Of course you did,’ said Gayle as Louisa returned with the cardigan and wrapped it around her shoulders.
Louisa sat down again and finally she spoke. ‘I’m sorry, Susanna. About all of this.’
‘You don’t need to be sorry.’
‘But I am. It must’ve been horrid to find out about me before Gayle and I had the chance to explain it all. We’ve been getting to know each other and wanted to do it right. I hate that it backfired.’
Gayle frowned. ‘Come to think of it, how did you find out?’ she asked Susanna. ‘You said you were going through things in the attic. What was there?’
‘I found a letter,’ said Susanna and judging by Louisa’s face she knew exactly what letter she was referring to. ‘You knew about it?’ she asked her.
Louisa nodded, in shock. ‘I can’t believe it still exists after all this time.’
‘It was tucked away in a folder of Dad’s. I assume your mother is Lily.’
‘Yes. Lily Miller.’
‘And she told you about Harry?’
‘Only when I was older and better able to understand. She told me the affair was brief, that my biological father chose his family, and then she told me about the letter she’d sent that Harry never responded to.
I saw it as a rejection. I decided at that point that I never wanted to track down a man who wasn’t interested in me. ’
‘What changed your mind?’ Susanna asked. ‘Presumably you’re only in touch with Gayle because you tried to find Harry.’
Louisa hadn’t touched her tea. ‘I started to wonder, what if? What if someone else had found the letter first and got rid of it? What if it never actually arrived? Mum supported me and we tried to find Harry. I decided that if he told me he wasn’t interested, I’d be hurt, but I’d know once and for all.
I discovered he’d passed away not long after Mum sent the letter.
I also found out he had a sibling.’ She smiled across at Gayle who smiled right back.
‘I wanted to at least find out a bit about him. It’s hard not knowing where you really came from, always wondering.
At least now I know a bit. And I see where I got my curly hair from. ’
The remark relaxed all three women and Susanna told Louisa, ‘Addie still has the riotous curls – I lost mine as I got older, but it’s certainly a Rafferty trait.
’ She looked at Gayle, remembered how crazily curly her hair had been when they first came to live with her on the island, how young their aunt was.
She hadn’t ever really acknowledged what a grenade the arrival of her nieces must have set off in her aunt’s life.
It had been all about her and Addie, their new life, their survival.
Susanna winced at the lukewarm tea and set her cup down.
‘I’ll get us some more,’ said Gayle.
‘No, let me.’ But Susanna wasn’t quick enough.
‘I’m capable of making some tea,’ Gayle insisted, standing up. She briefly rested her hands on the back of her chair. ‘I’ll bring back those last few mini-Eton mess puddings, shall I?’
‘Good idea,’ said Susanna, watching as Gayle walked slowly around the back of the counter and towards the kitchen.
‘I’ve had about five different desserts today, not sure how I’ll go with fitting anything else in,’ said Louisa, in an attempt to lighten the conversation.
‘You’ll manage. The Eton mess, from what I remember, is very light and very good.’
Conversation lapsed without Gayle until Louisa eventually said, ‘Gayle told me you lost your mum when you were very young. I’m really sorry.’
‘Thank you. I remember quite a bit about her, Addie not so much, which always makes me sad. She remembers more about Dad.’
Her comment lulled them both into silence again.
‘Is your mum okay with you being here?’ Susanna asked for want of anything better to say, because no matter whether an affair took place, it wasn’t Louisa’s fault.
And by the sounds of it, it was incredibly brief, a mistake.
One anyone could make. After all, she’d almost done it with Mateo this evening. If she hadn’t stopped that kiss…
‘Mum supports me being here.’ Louisa smiled. ‘We’re very close.’
‘Did she ever meet anyone else?’
She shook her head. ‘No, which always made me a little sad.’
‘Are you with anyone?’
‘Currently single.’ Louisa smiled. ‘Gayle tells me you’re married.’
‘Yes, to Alex. We live in Cambridge.’ And she desperately hoped that wouldn’t change.
‘And you’re a solicitor?’
‘I am. And what do you do? You probably know lots about us, but we know nothing about you.’
‘I did a degree in drama. I was a bit stuck as to what I wanted to do, and that seemed like fun. It never led to steady work, though. I’ve had some different jobs.
I worked at a ticket office for a while, then helped out with a theatre group, but lately I’ve been picking up work here and there at garden centres.
I love gardening. I hadn’t realised quite how much until I started doing it at my mum’s when I was stuck at home so long during lockdown. ’
‘Finding something you love is half the battle.’ And it reminded her how much Addie had loved to bake and how her life might have turned out very differently if she hadn’t been so encouraged to leave the island and pursue an academic path.
Louisa looked down into her lap. ‘I’m sorry this has all been so secretive.’
‘It’s not your fault. We can get to know each other now.’
She lifted her gaze. ‘Do you mean that?’
Amusedly, Susanna said, ‘Don’t tell me – Aunt Gayle said I’d be the hardest one to convince.’
‘She didn’t say that exactly…’
‘It’s all right. I know I’m headstrong but being here… Well, let’s just say I’m slowly beginning to realise that it wasn’t always Gayle who was the problem.’ And it was a sobering thing to come to terms with. She’d known for a while, but coming here and confronting it head-on was quite different.
‘Louisa, I have to ask – was it really a mistake, putting the word funeral on the invites rather than pre-funeral or living funeral?’
‘It really was a genuine mistake. Gayle was so annoyed at herself, but you know, I think it might have been fate playing a hand. She didn’t think you’d come for anything other than something so final.’ She paused. ‘It might not be my place to ask, but was she right?’
‘Honestly? Yes, probably – at least in my case. Addie might have come, but with me being the difficult one…’
They shared a smile.
‘Wherever Addie and I landed after losing Mum and then Dad, whoever we were with, we would’ve pushed against it,’ Susanna confided. ‘Our whole world had changed. Everything was daunting, hard, different.’
‘Maybe you should tell Gayle that.’ But Louisa’s expression immediately changed. ‘Oh God, now I really am speaking out of turn.’
She looked across at the entrance to the kitchen to make sure Gayle wasn’t about to emerge. ‘Please, go on, I want to hear what you think.’
‘Gayle blames herself for you and for Addie, for the fact she couldn’t make either of you happy enough to stay here on the island. She says she failed you both, and I don’t think she ever made peace with the fact.’
Guilt washed up on her like the tide coming in on the shingle beach nearest the marina. ‘Maybe we should have come back before now.’ She shook her head, almost talking to herself. ‘I fought so hard to get away from this beautiful island. Spending time here again, I can’t work out why.’
‘It sounds like you had a lot of grief back then, and you were only young.’
She smiled at her half-sister. ‘I appreciate the sympathy. I feel like you understand me, even though you don’t know me.’
‘I hope that can change.’
And when she said, ‘So do I,’ she really meant it.
Louisa gathered up the cups and put them all onto the tray she’d carried them in on. ‘I’ll go and see where those puddings are, shall I?’
Susanna stayed in her seat as Louisa left. But seconds later she leapt up at a scream coming from the direction of the kitchen.
She tore out the back.
Gayle was lying on the floor, with Louisa kneeling beside her.
Susanna took her phone from her back pocket and called the emergency services.