Chapter 25
SUSANNA
Susanna stood outside the café. Addie had run off; she needed to process what she’d discovered, especially the part about Susanna keeping some of the details about their parents’ marriage and their fight from her, and Susanna was desperate to cling to some sense of normality in all of this.
With Gayle and Louisa still busy in the café kitchen, she called Alex’s number. It rang and rang. She tried once, twice, three times. On the fourth attempt, he picked up the call.
Everything that had happened came out in one garbled message.
‘It sounds a lot to cope with. Are you okay?’
His question almost floored her, and her voice trembled when she said, ‘Yes. I think so.’ Although right now she felt as though her whole life were imploding.
‘You never told me all that before, you know.’
‘I wanted to try to forget. Except it didn’t work.’
Now probably wasn’t the time – in fact, she knew it wasn’t – but hearing his voice, she couldn’t wait any longer to say, ‘We can’t carry on like this, Alex.’
‘Like what?’
‘We need to talk.’
‘We are talking.’
‘Not about my family woes. About us.’ She didn’t wait for him to say anything else before she added, ‘I have to know. Are we done?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
She looked up at the sky. It was already dark, September bringing with it shorter days. ‘I mean, is our marriage over?’
‘Why would you ask that?’
Her breath hitched. ‘Because there’s something you’re not telling me. And I’m done with secrets. I can’t take much more. I haven’t pushed for answers, I’ve given you space when you needed it.’ She heard their doorbell sound in the background.
‘I have to get that,’ he said. ‘But I’ll call you back in a bit.’
‘Alex—’
‘We’ll talk, I promise.’
And then he was gone, just like that.
She was still looking at her phone when she saw Mateo across the street.
She stood up straighter as he noticed her, pulled herself together as she called over, ‘I thought you’d be long gone.
’ She felt a sense of calm she’d been so desperate for finally descend.
How did Mateo still have the power to make her feel that way when it should’ve been hearing Alex’s voice that did it?
He hooked a thumb over his shoulder as he walked towards her. ‘I own the flat above the newsagent. I rent it out but my tenant just left and it needs a repaint. I thought I’d do a bit more of it while I’m this way, before I head back to my place.’
She noticed his hands when he was in front of her. ‘You’ve got most of the paint on you.’
‘It certainly seems that way.’ His laughter rumbled out and took her back decades to all those lazy evenings at the marina, down on the sands, on the decks of boats whenever they could, hiding from the world together.
‘I’m not sure doing it with only artificial light was the best thing, but what could go wrong painting a ceiling white? ’
It was her turn to laugh. ‘Go check it out in the morning, see the damage.’ She swatted at a sharp sting on her arm. ‘Ouch.’
‘Did you get bitten?’ He took her hand, looked at the place she’d swatted. ‘Mosquitoes are out in force right now. You got repellent on?’
She was still trying to adjust to the feeling of skin on skin, still looking at his hand on hers. ‘I hate the stuff.’
‘Then the mosquitoes will love you.’ But then he jumped. ‘I think one of the buggers just got me.’
She giggled. ‘They’re persistent, I’ll give them that.’
‘Hey, do you remember that time a fly went up your nose?’
‘How could I forget?’ She’d been sitting on one of the benches with Mateo looking out over the water, having just come up the steps from the beach and a serious making out session they’d hit pause on when they realised they were about to be discovered by some beachcombers.
A fly had buzzed around for a while. She’d swished it away, and as she laughed at something Mateo said it returned and its timing was perfect.
Or not so perfect – she’d inhaled and up it had gone right into her nose.
‘You were panicking,’ he said.
‘Wouldn’t you be? I could feel it!’ She put her finger against her sinuses on one side of her face. ‘The blessed thing only came out when you grabbed some wildflowers, held them under my nose and the pollen made me sneeze.’
This was nice. Mateo was easy company and there was no wondering what he meant or what he was hiding.
She slapped her arm again as another mosquito decided she was a good target.
‘The perils of the island.’ He was standing so close she felt her heart beat even faster, and before she knew it she was looking into his eyes and was back there as a seventeen-year-old when they’d started dating and he became the first man to teach her what passion was.
‘One of them,’ she said.
‘What are you doing lurking out here, anyway?’ he asked.
‘Family stuff, you know.’ She looked behind her, through the window into the café. Gayle and Louisa must still be ensconced in the kitchen.
‘Family stuff was always a thing for you.’ He reached out, tenderly hooked her hair behind her ear on one side and then did it with the other. ‘You can talk to me, you know.’
She should be talking to her husband. But he was answering the door. To whom, she had no idea.
‘I’m just waiting for Addie,’ she said, looking down the street, but there was no sign of her yet.
‘Well, you know where I am.’ He stepped a little closer, or maybe she had, she wasn’t sure.
‘I do.’
‘I meant what I said, you know.’
She could feel the warmth of his voice raking up feelings she’d thought long since buried. ‘What did you say?’
‘That you haven’t changed all that much.’ He put a hand against her cheek. ‘The way we ended things…’
‘I never forgot it.’ Her words came out soft against the evening air.
‘I hated myself for it.’ He closed his eyes briefly before fixing his gaze back on her.
‘Don’t feel guilty.’ Her face, tilted upwards, left her inches apart from being able to kiss him.
‘I wish you were happy now,’ he said.
Her eyes prickled with tears. ‘I’m doing okay.’
‘You deserve to be more than okay.’ And then his lips touched tenderly to hers, for one brief moment before he pulled back. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.’
‘It’s not your fault.’ Because she’d wanted him to, very much. And she leaned in again, almost kissed him properly, but in that split second, she realised what she was doing.
‘I have to go.’ She turned and scuttled down the path towards the front door to the café.
‘Susanna!’ Mateo called after her a couple of times, but his voice was blocked when the door shut behind her.
Louisa came out from the kitchen while Susanna was still standing by the front entrance.
‘We wondered where you and Addie had got to,’ she said, all smiles.
‘Just the kitchen floor to be done now.’ Louisa, with her beautiful blonde curls and the hint of youth that Susanna felt she’d long since left behind, picked up the mop and bucket to take to the kitchen.
‘Just going to the bathroom,’ Susanna said before Louisa could respond. She needed a minute before she could deal with anything else.
If Alex was having an affair, she’d be devastated. But if she did the same? It wouldn’t make it any better, would it?
In the bathroom, she stood with her back against the closed door and took a few deep breaths. Addie had run off, she’d almost cheated on her husband by kissing Mateo, and she still had to face Louisa and Gayle.
When her phone rang it made her jump. It was Alex calling, and she wished he’d forgotten to call her back.
She let it ring out. But he rang again.
‘Where are you?’ he asked when she answered. ‘It sounds echoey.’
‘In the bathroom at the café.’
‘Should I call you in a few minutes?’ he asked.
‘I almost kissed Mateo,’ she blurted out, the words leaving her lips before she could change her mind. She couldn’t keep it to herself. She just couldn’t.
‘What?’
‘Mateo, he still lives here, and he was here today, at the café…’ Her words were tumbling out as if she was worried she wouldn’t get the chance to say them if she didn’t do it right this minute.
A knock at the bathroom door was followed by Aunt Gayle asking, ‘Susanna, what’s going on? Are you okay? Where’s Addie?’
‘Alex, I’ll have to call you later.’ Gayle’s timing couldn’t have been worse.
‘No, we nee—’
But she cut off the call because Aunt Gayle was still knocking, anxious to know what was happening.
She emerged from the bathroom, but she didn’t say a word until she was in the café where she turned to her aunt and said, ‘Addie ran off.’
‘What do you mean, she ran off?’
‘She knows.’
‘Knows what?’
Louisa appeared at that moment, picked up on the atmosphere, and remarked, ‘Sorry to interrupt. I’ll leave you both to it.’
Susanna’s voice stopped her before she could head back to the kitchen. ‘She knows about you, Louisa. We both do.’
She wasn’t sure who looked more shocked, Louisa or Gayle.
Gayle let out a big breath. ‘I think I need to sit down.’
Louisa rushed over, held her arm and guided Gayle over to a chair. Louisa didn’t really meet Susanna’s eye when she said, ‘I’ll go and make us all a cup of tea.’ She rushed out to the kitchen.
Susanna sat down opposite her aunt.
‘I was going to talk to you after today,’ said Gayle, voice soft, a hand to her chest. ‘I wanted to do it right.’
‘Doing it right would probably have been before today,’ said Susanna defeatedly. ‘I found out yesterday when we were looking through Dad’s things.’
‘Oh, I’ve messed this up good and proper. I should’ve done it differently.’
‘I’m not sure anything would’ve lessened the shock.’
‘I should’ve done it all differently.’
Susanna’s eyes filled with tears. The remorse in Gayle’s voice stopped her anger rising and when she thought about Addie, how much she’d tried to protect her over the years, how her choices had become Addie’s, this all felt like too much. ‘It wasn’t all your fault, you know.’
Surprised, Gayle looked across at her niece.