Chapter 29 #2
‘Susanna, I never thought that. You were a teenage girl. You were hard work, but teenagers generally are, even I know that with my limited experience of parenting.’
‘I wish I’d been able to see how hard you were working for us rather than the fact that you were gone out of the house so often. You know, it was Mateo who helped me see that. He told me that being there was one way to care for a family, but so was earning a living.’
Gayle felt awkward when she delivered an apology she should’ve given Susanna a long time ago.
‘I’m sorry I split the pair of you up. That wasn’t my intention.
I wanted you to get a bit of distance from each other, enough so that you could pass your exams and get into university, but I never asked him to end it completely.
I just wanted him to think very carefully about your needs and your life.
It totally backfired when he got a job elsewhere and left.
I was so annoyed at myself that I hadn’t been able to convey to him my concerns without making him feel like he had to walk away for good. ’
‘I hated you a little bit for it.’
‘A little bit?’
‘All right, quite a lot.’
‘I was worried that you’d rebel and not bother trying at school, just to spite me.’
‘I thought about it briefly,’ Susanna admitted. ‘But then I knuckled down with my schoolwork because I knew that was the only way I’d get to go to university. Without Mateo, I wanted to stay on the island even less.’
‘University and a return to the mainland had been your goal for so long. I didn’t want to see you miss your chance. I just wish I hadn’t got in between you and Mateo.’
‘We can’t rewrite the past.’
‘I wish we could sometimes.’
Susanna smiled. ‘Me too.’
‘You know, before you girls came to the island I used to go to the café much earlier every day.’
‘Really?’
‘Oh, yes, but after I had you both living with me Nancy took over the really early shift, and I adjusted. I’d take paperwork home rather than work on it in the café, and I often did some of the baking or preparation at the cottage.
I wanted to be there to see you girls when you got up, I wanted to hang around for breakfast and at least wish you a good day at school. ’
‘You worked hard,’ said Susanna, ‘and I took it for granted.’
‘I expect I was the same at your age.’
‘I never let myself get close to you.’
‘I know you didn’t.’
‘I almost did once.’ She paused. ‘Do you remember the time I found you making pudding in the middle of the night?’
‘When I’m stressed, I bake. I must have been fretting about something.’
‘We sat and had ginger steamed pudding.’
‘I remember.’ Gayle smiled. ‘It was something I was trying for the café. Inspiration had struck when I couldn’t sleep.’
‘It was pretty good.’ Susanna smiled. ‘That night, I wanted to talk to you so much, but the words wouldn’t come. I wanted to tell you that I was hurting, how scared I was.’
‘I knew. I wish you’d been able to confide in me.’
‘I guess I’d learned to be tough and to be Addie’s protector. I had an armour around me, and I kept it, shielded myself from getting too close.’
‘You never let me hug you. I found that really difficult,’ Gayle admitted. ‘From the moment you came to live with me, any form of touch was forbidden.’
‘Mum and I used to cuddle on the sofa a lot. When she died, I really missed it, but I had Addie, and she always wanted to be hugged.’
‘You took it upon yourself to be a mum to Addie. Sometimes I think I pushed that on you, asking you to take care of her after school, when I was working.’
‘I didn’t mind. Well, sometimes I did.’ Susanna took a breath before she said, ‘I’m pretty sure Addie would’ve stayed closer to you if it wasn’t for me.
’ Her face fell. ‘I’m sorry I did that. I’m sorry I made her honour a pact we’d made as young girls, a pact we didn’t really think through.
But all I could see at the time was that I’d lost Mum, then Dad. I couldn’t lose Addie too.’
‘I would never have taken her away from you.’
‘No, I don’t believe you would have.’ Susanna’s chin wobbled; she was doing her utmost to keep herself in check.
‘Your sister loved to bake at the café. She showed a real interest once you were at university and I encouraged her, at first. But then I realised it might well come between you if Addie and I got closer. Am I right?’
‘At the time, probably, and I’m ashamed to admit that.’
‘At one point I thought about what she might say if I invited her to work with me full-time.’ When Susanna stayed quiet she added, ‘But I couldn’t do that, because I made a promise.’
‘A promise?’
‘To your dad. When he died, he told me he was sorry. We put our differences aside. We both realised what we’d lost by not having each other.
He never wanted that to be you and Addie, so I assured him I would never let it happen.
The only way to keep my promise was to push Addie away, not encourage her, make sure she left the island as you’d both always said you would. ’
Susanna looked upwards to stem her tears. ‘I took that from her, and I shouldn’t have.’
‘We all made mistakes. You thought you were looking after your sister and yourself.’
Susanna paused. ‘You saying that makes me see the intention behind you talking to Mateo about our relationship. You were trying to look after me just like I was doing for Addie by getting her to go through with our plan.’
‘That’s one way of looking at it.’
‘You know, Addie was furious I never told her what I knew about Dad until now.’
‘Why would you? It wouldn’t have benefited her. But maybe with Addie grown up now, it’s time to stop mothering.’
Susanna nodded. ‘You know, I saw the two of you together at the café once. I could see her settling in, enjoying herself, and I panicked. I thought perhaps she wouldn’t come to the mainland at all, and I’d lose her. I couldn’t wait to get us both off the island.’
Gayle chuckled. ‘I wouldn’t have been surprised if you’d had a calendar, crossing off the days like you were in prison.’
Susanna’s smile soon gave way to a seriousness again. ‘I was happy here sometimes, you know.’
‘When you were with Mateo?’
‘Not just then. I loved it when Addie and I explored the island, went out on our bikes, all that fresh air and freedom here compared to what we’d had in Oxford.’
‘You always seemed quite happy when you came into the café. Even on the days you protested because you wanted to be with friends rather than babysitting, you’d slowly ease into it, and you looked content enough.
I’d watch you so many times. I never let you catch me doing it, though, you’d have scowled over at me. ’
Susanna grinned. ‘You know, I think you’re right.’
‘So, how is this new world of yours on the mainland? Married, with a posh job and, I expect, a lovely lifestyle?’
Susanna briefly got up when a nurse came to check on the patient opposite, but as soon as she disappeared Susanna perched her bottom on Gayle’s bed once more. ‘To be honest it’s not all a bed of roses.’
Susanna spent the next twenty minutes telling her all about Alex, the good and the bad, the worry, the concern about her marriage.
‘Do you still love him?’ Gayle asked when she’d finished.
‘I do. I really do. But I’ve never felt more lonely in my life.’
She reached for Susanna’s hand. ‘I hope you and Alex work it out.’
‘So do I. But he wasn’t happy when he heard Mateo’s voice in the background on the boat when we came here. And I haven’t heard from him since.’
Gayle gripped her hand for reassurance, in a way she’d never been allowed to before, and only hoped that it would go some way to comfort her. ‘Talk to Alex.’
‘I’ll try.’
She waited a beat before she asked, ‘How do you feel about Louisa?’
‘Strangely okay.’
‘You are?’
‘I’ve surprised even myself. Addie is slowly getting her head around it, and it’s not Louisa’s fault that her mum had an affair with our dad, or our dad had an affair with her mum, whichever way you want to put it. I can see that, you know, with my forty-four years of wisdom.’
‘Rather than your fourteen-year-old self?’
‘Not sure how I’d have felt back then if I’d discovered Dad had fathered another child.’
She had so much to catch up on with Susanna and she wanted to know, ‘What did it really feel like coming back to Anchor Island after all this time?’
‘Honestly? Weird, terrifying, confronting, eye-opening… especially when my dead aunt suddenly came alive.’
Gayle stopped a giggle in its tracks. ‘Maybe we’ll laugh about my faux pas on the invites someday.’
‘What a story, eh?’
‘So, the island… Do you like it, or is it a case of you can’t leave soon enough?’
‘I’ve pushed it away for so long, the same way I pushed you away. But it’s beautiful. I love all the open spaces, the water from different vantage points, the quaint streets, the absence of traffic. I wish I’d appreciated it more and not been so selfish to see that Addie liked it here.’
‘You are not selfish. You have turned into a wonderful woman, despite all the crap thrown at you along the way.’
‘We did have a lot of crap. All of us.’
‘Maybe it’s time we faced the crap together,’ said Gayle.
Susanna’s voice shook as she laughed, ‘Stop saying crap or I won’t be able to take you seriously.’
Susanna was different to the girl who had left the island, angry, desperate to escape. Maybe Anchor Island had finally worked its magic on her.