Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
R iley swiped another tissue from the box and wiped at her face, but the tears wouldn’t stop. How could she do this? To him? To her? To them?
Aspen grabbed a tissue as well and blew her nose. “I always knew life wasn’t fair,” she whispered thickly. “But sometimes it seems like we got an extra hard slice.”
“I don’t know how to do this,” Riley admitted, tossing the tissue and grabbing another. “I understand why, but I don’t know how.”
Aspen nodded. “I think we might’ve finally found the one thing that cake won’t fix.”
A dark laugh burbled through Riley’s lips. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
Aspen shrugged. “What is there to say? He needs this, Ri. You know he does. Mom wanted to talk to him about it in person…at the dinner, but when he didn’t show…” She sighed and slumped deeper into her seat. “What happened that day just proves that we can’t let it go.”
Riley nodded. “He does need help, I get it, but it’s going to hurt him.” She finally forced herself to look Aspen in the eye. “He’s going to hate me.” She waited. Waited for Aspen to assure her that it would all be okay. That Antony would bound back and their relationship would continue as if nothing had ever happened.
The words never came.
“You’re asking me to betray the man I love,” Riley accused, a burst of anger coloring her words.
“I’m asking you to help save my brother,” Aspen amended. “I never really expected you to fall in love, even though I teased you about it.” Aspen’s tears picked up speed. “I love that it happened, but it doesn’t change the fact that Antony needs help.” She leaned forward. “Help beyond any of us.”
“Would you have had the strength to walk away from Austin?” Riley demanded, jumping from her seat to walk around the office. She spun and pinned Aspen in place with a glare. “Would you betray him like this? Do the one thing you know he’d never forgive you for?”
Aspen’s bottom lip trembled. “I hope I would,” Aspen whispered. “But I don’t know.”
Riley shook her head and turned away, folding her arms over her chest. The pain was so sharp she felt as if she couldn’t breathe. If she followed through with the family’s wishes, she knew Antony would end things. He’d end things so quickly she’d probably get whiplash, and her ears would blister from his words.
He was hurt. Wounded. Broken.
But there was hope. There were moments of progress, Riley had seen them. Couldn’t they just keep on as they were? Eventually, those moments would turn into something else. They’d lengthen, just like an athlete gaining skills.
He hadn’t been ready for the race. They’d pushed things too early. But they could still get there. He’d let Gavin in. He still wanted to be near Riley. There was hope.
“Please, Riley,” Aspen continued. “I know I’m asking more than I should. But can’t you see this is for the best?”
“And who are we to decide that?” Riley argued. She turned. “Don’t you think maybe he needs to decide things for himself? Estelle told me that I couldn’t make Antony care simply because I did.” Riley’s arms waved through the air as she got going. “Why is it our responsibility to force him into this? Something we know he won’t want? Something that might only break him further. Do you have any idea how much pain that man is in?” Riley shouted. “How much he already feels abandoned? And how much this will only add to it?”
Instead of yelling back, Aspen dropped her gaze to her tissue filled hands, nodding slowly. “He and I text sometimes,” Aspen said in a low tone.
Riley paused. She didn’t realize he’d been talking to any of his family members.
Aspen’s red rimmed eyes came up. “He’s mentioned you a few times. How important you are to him.” A broken laugh came through. “In fact, I’m certain he’s absolutely head over heels in love with you in return.”
Riley’s knees buckled, and she caught herself on a nearby filing cabinet, slowly sinking to the floor.
“We both know those feelings are returned.” Aspen stared at the pile of tissues in her lap. “Don’t you want a chance at a future, Ri? He might get better without help, but are you prepared to wait all the years it will take for that to happen? Especially when you know you could have done something more?”
Riley brought her knees up to her chest and rested her forehead on them. She was shaking all over. She knew she was in love with Antony. That wasn’t a stretch of the imagination, but he’d never said he loved her.
Was he even capable of that yet? He called her his light. His reason for trying…but love? Wasn’t that just one more reason why she couldn’t do this? One more reason to hope he could still heal on his own?
“What happens if the person you love is so lost in themselves, that they can’t get out on their own?” Aspen offered.
Riley’s head snapped up. “Then you love them until they choose to come back.”
Aspen nodded. “What if they can’t choose?” she rasped. “What if they aren’t capable of making that choice?”
“If Antony needed help, he’d—” Riley snapped her mouth shut. To finish her argument would be a lie. If Antony needed help, he absolutely would not ask for it. He’d growl and curse and get angry, and then, depending on how bad it was, he’d either quit or destroy whatever he was trying to accomplish.
Her head fell down again, the smack against her kneecaps stinging.
“He needs help,” Aspen continued in a gravelly, but soft tone. “He can’t do it himself, and we’re too close to help him see.” There was a pause. “All of us are too close. He needs professional help, Riley. Someone who can help him find himself again.”
“He’s going to hate me,” Riley whimpered, grabbing at her chest. Didn’t Aspen get it? If Riley did this, she’d lose everything. Everything. She’d already been ready to give it up once, but that was before she fell in love. It was when her emotions were simply a crush. When she felt as if she had nothing to lose because Antony didn’t return her feelings.
But now she had everything to lose. Her heart was far more invested, Antony’s as well. He trusted her. She’d started to dream of a future together. Maybe he could help her in the shelter, or maybe he’d come up with something new on his own.
It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that it would be together. She’d sit on his lap and happily drown in his kisses. They’d make dinners together and eat dessert first. He’d bring her cake at work, and they’d keep learning to run together. They’d raise Griffin and maybe another dog or two, eventually adding a couple of tiny Antony’s to the mix.
Every dream, every vision, every hope that Riley had slowly been stockpiling went up a flaming pile of garbage.
I thought you would leave…like everyone else.
A fresh bout of tears began to flow, and Riley wrapped her arms around her legs, trying to hold back the sobs.
Aspen didn’t speak again, and Riley assumed she’d probably left at some point, which was fine. This was too much for anyone to process in a five, ten, or even fifteen minute conversation.
And even if Aspen was still there, Riley had no idea what she’d say to her. Estelle’s conversation, Antony’s thank you, Aspen and her family’s request…all of it swirled through Riley’s head until she wasn’t sure where she was.
She cried until she couldn’t cry any more, until her eyes were so swollen that the tears dried on their own. But she still didn’t move. She couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to stand up and move on with her day as if disaster wasn’t looming on the horizon.
Every beat of her heart felt as if it was the organ’s last movement, and as it gradually slowed, Riley not only felt as if she were dying, but that her future was dying with it.
To her surprise, her heart settled and didn’t stop, but it was too late for the dreams. The more she let the words churn in her head, the more she knew that Estelle and Aspen were both correct.
Antony had to choose.
He was too far gone to choose well.
He needed help.
And Riley wasn’t enough.
Riley was late.
Antony frowned at the clock and then the dinner he’d managed to cook. It wasn’t nearly as pretty as what Estelle or Aspen would’ve made, but no child made it through the Harrison household without spending time in the kitchen.
To Mom and Dad, kitchen time had been family time, and everyone had learned to at least take care of the basics.
His foot tapped against the floor, and he debated whether or not he needed to wrap things up and put them in the fridge just as a knock came .
Grabbing his crutch, Antony hobbled over, not wanting to meet Riley from down below. The last few days had been stilted and difficult since his breakdown at the race, and he was hoping tonight would be a new beginning. That he would finally be able to tell her how much he loved her.
“Stay,” he muttered to Griffin, who stood up and began to follow. The dog huffed and went back to his bed, giving Antony the side eye.
Grabbing the door handle, Antony grinned at the mutt. “Tonight, Riley’s mine,” he teased. “You can get your attention later.” With a jerk, he pulled the door open and froze. “Ri?” he whispered.
Riley stood in the dark, her shoulders hunched, and her hands gripping her upper arms. When she looked up, there was just enough light from the apartment to see her red, tear streaked face. “Antony,” she rasped. “We need to have a talk.”
His heart fell to his foot, and he couldn’t move. She was leaving him. He could see it plain as day. After everything they’d been through together, she’d finally come to the same conclusion he’d seen ages ago.
He didn’t deserve her.
He tried to speak, but no noise made it past his dry throat. Swallowing was out of the question, but when his knee began to tremble, Antony stumbled and Riley rushed inside, grabbing him around the waist.
“Are you okay?” she asked breathlessly.
As he looked down, their noses nearly touched, and he could smell the soft cherry blossom of her perfume. How she never came from work stinking like dogs, cats, and feces always surprised him, but this time, her smell didn’t have the same effect as usual.
Forcing his jerky limbs into action, he jumped back, barely managing to steady himself with the crutch. “I’m fine,” he snapped, tugging at his shirt to straighten it. Without a word, he turned and headed into the apartment.
The door snicked closed quietly, and Antony reached for the kitchen counter, needing something steadier than himself for this conversation. He shouldn’t be surprised. He’d known it would be coming, but somehow, he’d gone into tonight with high hopes, never dreaming that this is what would happen.
“Antony…please…” Riley whispered.
He kept his back to her. “What?” he threw over his shoulder. “I can hear you just fine like this.” His knuckles grew white as he nearly broke the edge of the laminate.
“Please look at me,” Riley’s voice came from just behind him.
Heat at her nearness began to burn in his chest, and Antony grit his teeth against the sensation. How dare his body react right now? Didn’t it have any idea what was going on? “Just say what you need to say.” Somehow, the anger had started to drain, and weary resignation took its place.
Antony closed his eyes and hung his head. Riley had stayed with him longer than anyone else. She’d made him feel seen and appreciated. She’d forgiven him so, so, so many times. She’d given him hope, stupid, ridiculous hope, that he wasn’t as broken as he thought. That he wasn’t an abomination. That his scars didn’t turn him into a monster. That he still had worth.
Her hands landed on his back and a shiver rocked Antony.
“Please,” she begged again. “Please look at me.” Slowly, she pulled on his torso until he spun, leaning back against the counter.
But Antony still couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye.
Cool, small hands cupped his cheeks and pulled his chin up. Antony kept his eyes down as long as possible, but eventually he could fight no more.
Riley’s green eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. It was clear that she’d been crying for a very long time.
“I love you,” Riley whispered thickly.
A jolt went through Antony, and he had to consciously keep his jaw from hitting the floor.
“I’ve loved you for a long time.” She swallowed audibly. “And because I love you, I’ve come to realize that you need more help than I can give you. ”
His brows pulled together. “What?”
Riley’s eyes searched his, but Antony wasn’t exactly sure what she was looking for. Slowly, she stood on tiptoe, leaving a deliciously soft kiss on his mouth, but the impact had him shaking and gripping the counter again.
“There’s a program?—”
“No,” Antony said, shaking his head automatically.
“It’s in Portland,” Riley continued as if he hadn’t spoken. Tears began to pour down her cheeks. “Your mother and sisters found it.”
His head shaking grew to dizzying speeds. “I don’t need help,” he snapped.
“They’ve been in contact with the insurance,” Riley continued, the words sounding forced and rehearsed. “Everyone wants what’s best for you.”
“No!” Antony pulled again, almost falling as he leapt to the side to keep Riley from touching him. “If they wanted what was best for me, they’d leave me alone to heal on my own.” It wasn’t until a sob broke through the room that Antony looked back. Seeing Riley trembling and struggling to breathe nearly brought his heart to a stop.
“I’ve tried,” she stammered. “I’ve tried so hard. I wanted to give you that time.”
“I know, baby.” He lunged toward her, pulling her into his chest. He locked his knee in place, holding Riley’s shaking body. “No one has been as understanding as you. I…I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”
“But it’s not enough,” she cried, wrapping her arms around his middle.
They stood together for several minutes, Riley sobbing into his chest, and Antony holding onto her as if he’d break in two if they let go.
Finally, Riley took a shuddering breath and loosened her hold to lean her head back. “You have to learn how to save yourself, Antony,” she whimpered. “I can’t save you. Your family can’t save you. Only you can do that. ”
“I’m working on it,” he argued, begging for her to understand. Wasn’t he getting better? He’d started to furnish his apartment. He’d let Gavin bring in handlebars in the bathroom. He’d?—
Thoughts of the race swarmed his head, and guilt nearly made him gag. Was he getting better? Was it enough? The rage didn’t come as often, but it still came.
“Do you…” The words almost wouldn’t come. His face felt as if it were on fire, and his tongue was too big for his mouth. “Do you think I should go?”
Riley’s face crumpled, and she dropped her forehead to his chest for several slow moments before she managed to answer. Looking up, she cupped his cheek again and offered a fierce kiss, far more passionate than earlier.
When she stopped, she let her forehead rest against his chin and uttered the two words Antony had one day dreamed of hearing, but this time…they were tainted in a way he wasn’t sure could ever be fixed.
“I do.”