Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
“ I t’s gonna be okay,” Gavin reassured Riley as they walked up to Antony’s apartment door.
Riley nodded. She didn’t have the ability to speak right now. After her utter and complete breakdown a couple days ago, she and Antony had barely spoken.
She’d sent texts, called him, even showed up at the apartment as usual, but he’d been distant, cold, and barely responsive. It was exactly how she worried it would be. He hadn’t said the words, but their relationship was over.
She’d confessed her deepest feelings. She’d kissed him with everything in her, and after all was said and done, Antony was pulling back. She knew he’d be hurt by the suggestion that he needed professional help. She’d actually expected him to put up a bigger fight, but instead of anger, he was simply going cold.
Which hurt worse than the anger.
He was slipping through her fingers, and there was nothing Riley could do about it.
“Hey, Tone!” Gavin bellowed as they pushed through the front door. “You ready to go? ”
Riley held back, unsure of her welcome, wringing her hands at the door and trying not to cry again. So many tears, so little time. It was amazing how much liquid a body could shed and yet keep living.
“I’ve got the truck,” Gavin continued as if he hadn’t a care in the world. Or at least as if Antony was actually answering him. “We’ll put the chair in the back, along with your duffel.”
Riley stepped in farther. “I’ll grab Griffin’s stuff. Where can I find it?” she asked, trying to make her voice as easy as Gavin’s, but she couldn’t seem to contain the tremble.
Antony shrugged as he threw a backpack on before grabbing his crutch off the side of the couch. “Mrs. Cummings has him. She said she’ll save the apartment for me. If I decide to come back.”
If .
Riley couldn’t even respond. Not only had he basically given away her gift to him, but he wasn’t sure if he’d ever return. He might as well have stabbed her chest with a traitor’s knife. That would’ve hurt less.
Why had she thought it a good idea to ride with Gavin and Antony up to Portland? She’d wanted to support him. Wanted him to know that she loved him. Wanted to show it, not just tell him.
But every word and action coming from him told her the same thing.
She’d lost him.
Just like she knew she would.
Aspen hadn’t really believed it, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked Riley to be the one to encourage him to go.
It was amazing how much it hurt to see her projections in reality. When she’d first come to Antony, Riley had been prepared to lose him. But she hadn’t known what she was really letting go of. Now it seemed cruel that she’d been given a glimpse of what it was to be in his arms, to feel his kisses and see his strength, only to have it taken away.
“Ri, why don’t you lock up?” Gavin offered, giving her a sympathetic look. “Tone and I will head up.”
Riley nodded and stepped back so the men could move past her. Antony was first. His head down, his hair covering his face. She felt as if her heart was going to rip in half as he shuffled by her. His pause caught her off guard and Riley opened her mouth, ready to beg for his forgiveness, but when she noticed the bundle of keys he was handing her, she snapped her jaw shut. “Oh. Thanks.”
Without another word, Antony stomped out and began to work his way up the ramp.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Gavin assured her quietly with a slow nod as he followed. “Hang in there.”
She tried to smile. She really did, but her mouth simply wouldn’t move in that direction. No one understood. No one realized just how much she was giving up for this. Instead of responding vocally, she simply nodded and kept her head down. The tears were completely out of control at this point, and she didn’t have the strength to stop them.
Taking a moment to turn out lights and unplug appliances, Riley fumbled with keys until the door was locked. She waited, catching her breath and wiping away the moisture on her cheeks before jogging up to meet the men.
Antony was struggling to get into the large truck while Gavin hefted the wheelchair into the back.
“Here,” Riley said, jumping forward to grab the bag from Antony. “I can take that.”
“I got it,” Antony snapped, jerking the bag away from her.
Riley stepped back, trying to swallow the pain that seemed to keep multiplying in her chest. One more hit, and she wouldn’t be able to stand upright. She felt as if she would literally break in two.
“Think you can sit in the back, Ri?” Gavin asked, coming up to her side. “It’s a full sized cab. It shouldn’t be too bad.”
“She’s coming with us?”
Riley froze, but Gavin managed to respond with a wide smile. “Thought it might be nice to have something other than my handsome mug to look at. Right, Tone? ”
Slowly, Riley turned to look at the open door, noting that Antony hadn’t answered. When she met his glare, she stumbled back a step. “Actually, Gavin, I think…” She swallowed and waited a moment for Antony, pleading internally that he would say she could come.
When he didn’t speak, she forced out the words choking her. “Maybe it’s better to let you two have some time.”
Gavin hesitated, then cleared his throat. “Hop in. We’ll drop you off,” he said softly.
Riley shook her head. “No. It’s fine.” Her smile was probably more of a grimace, but she pasted it on anyway. “I’ll run home.” She took a step. “I haven’t had a good meditation in awhile.”
Gavin looked at Antony, who was now facing forward toward the windshield, before coming back to Riley. “Are you sure?” he mouthed.
Riley nodded, praying her tears would hold on just a little longer. “It’ll be good for me.”
Gavin sighed and ran a hand over his hair. “Okay. Be careful with the traffic, alright?”
Riley nodded and spun, ready to leave the horrible situation behind, but she stopped. There was something she needed to say.
It wouldn’t make a difference. She knew that. She’d broken his trust and hurt Antony in a way he’d never forgive, but she had to say it one more time.
Then she’d leave him alone.
“Hang on,” she said as Gavin went to close the passenger door.
Raising his eyebrows, Gavin stepped back, letting Riley take his place.
She took hold of the door, studying Antony’s profile. His stoic, unmoving profile which was hidden behind his hair. Her fingers twitched with the desire to move those lovely curls so she could get a good look at him one more time.
Opening her mouth, she prepared to give him a full explanation, one last plea for forgiveness, but the words wouldn’t come. She’d done this to herself. It wasn’t fair to expect him to be anything other than what he was.
“I love you,” Riley rasped. “I’ll always love you.” With a tight clenching of her jaw, she shut the door and stepped back before breaking into a run. A slow and steady jog wasn’t enough today.
Pushing herself, she pushed into a full sprint and planned to hold it until she collapsed. If she was the least bit lucky, she’d manage to outrun her heartbreak, if only for a few minutes.
“You were hard on her,” Gavin grunted as he hit the gas and took off down the road.
Antony kept his jaw shut. What would Gavin understand about it? The woman Antony had given his heart to, the one he’d trusted above everyone else…had betrayed him.
She’d sent him away, essentially telling him there was something wrong with him. All that crap about how she couldn’t save him, that he had to learn to do things himself. She’d spent weeks telling him the opposite. Telling him she’d never leave. Telling him he wasn’t broken.
I do.
I love you.
“Tone?”
Antony turned to look out the window, not focusing on anything. His life had gone numb, and he was glad for it. The pain of Riley’s betrayal had hurt so badly that Antony had had a split second of nasty, dark thoughts.
Thoughts that drove men over the edge.
Griffin’s company had been the only thing to get him through these last days, and for the first time since Riley had given him to Antony, Antony had seen the sense in having a pet.
Not that he would tell Riley that.
And not that Antony would ever experience it again. Griffin wasn’t his anymore. He’d given the mutt away .
“Good riddance,” Antony muttered, his breath fogging the passenger window.
“This is why she did it, you know.”
Antony’s head finally jerked toward his driver.
Gavin glanced his way, before going back to the road. “All that anger. That rage.” Gavin shook his head slowly. “It’s not good, man. You’re like a bottle rocket, ready to explode any second.”
“And you think the best way to do that is to get rid of me?” Antony shot back. “Just pass me off to someone else? Some doctor who’ll drug the emotions down so the poor broken soldier can’t hurt himself anymore?”
Gavin’s jaw worked back and forth. “You know, I thought maybe we got over this the other night, but I can see that hard head is still blocking each and every shot.”
“What would you know?” Antony muttered, going back to the window. He was so tired of being a burden. Nobody wanted to deal with him. They just wanted to hand him off to someone else and go on with their merry lives.
Lives that included friends, laughter, and two good legs.
“You know, you didn’t just lose a leg in that accident,” Gavin growled. “I lost my best friend.”
Antony stiffened.
“You came back a different man, Tone. And I don’t blame you for that.” Gavin’s exhale was loud in the cab. “No one blames you for that. That kind of trauma changes a person, and we all expected it. What we didn’t expect was for you to drive off every person offering you love and help.”
“I don’t need help.”
“And that right there is exactly why you do.”
Antony thought about biting back the words in his mouth, but ultimately, they spilled out anyway. “And the fact that everyone thinks they know what I need better than me is why I don’t want anything to do with it.”
Gavin sighed and nodded reluctantly. Putting his elbow on the edge of the window, he rested his head in his hand. “I can understand that,” he muttered. His eyes darted toward Antony for a moment. “But…”
“But what?” Antony demanded.
Gavin took a deep breath. “But I think you don’t understand just how far you have to go.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Gavin pursed his lips, never looking at Antony. “You know, in the year-plus that you’ve been home, the only time I’ve seen a smile on your face is when you were talking to Riley.”
“I smile,” Antony grumbled, slumping in his seat.
“No. You spread your lips and bare your teeth.”
Antony grunted.
“But Riley…Riley changed something in you.” Gavin chuckled. “Felicia would laugh from here to kingdom come if she heard me saying this.”
“Waxing poetic?” Antony asked sarcastically. “Yeah, maybe leave the poems for the writers.”
Gavin shrugged again. “That’s fine. I’m not trying to be poetic. I’m trying to point out that it took a year and a half until you found something worth living for.”
Antony had no response for that.
“It took Aspen nearly an hour to convince Riley to help introduce you to the idea of getting help.”
Antony’s jaw began to ache from clenching so hard.
“Riley swore that it would hurt you. That you’d never forgive her.” Gavin cleared his throat. “Of course, Aspen convinced her otherwise.” His head bobbed back and forth. “And we all believed it as well. Riley gave you something to live for, but you need to want to live, Tone. You need help from people who understand what you’re going through, not just people who love you despite how you’ve changed.”
Antony winced as the words socked him in the gut. It felt like a personal assault, but no one could deny the truth of the statement. He’d come out of his shell since Riley stepped up, but had he really healed?
The end of the race would suggest he hadn’t.
“Are you saying that this program is filled with ex-soldiers who were wounded?” Antony asked, his voice unconsciously soft.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Gavin responded.
Antony stiffened. “What?”
“Didn’t Riley leave you the information?”
Antony’s head jerked a few times.
“You were too angry to read it, weren’t you?” Gavin sighed. “In essence, it’s a program where you not only work with psychiatrists as needed, but you’ll learn how to recover physically as well. Riley made sure they knew you were interested in racing. Wheelchair racing, though I guess you can learn to do it with arm crutches or even a prosthetic, if you want. Your choice.”
Antony swallowed hard.
“Anyway, she’d probably hate me for telling you all this, but she put up a real fight with Aspen and the family, refusing to help until the program was tailored to exactly what you’d want it to be. She talked to the doctors and therapists so many times that I’m surprised they still let you in. I was sure they were going to start screening her calls and throw out your application.”
Gavin chuckled, but the sound was too low to be amused. “You have a personal trainer, a guy who served a few years back. Apparently, he’s become everyone’s favorite because the facility almost couldn’t get you into his roster.”
Antony’s heart fell to the pit of his stomach.
“Your progress, of course, is all based on you.” At this, Gavin glanced at Antony. “You can go through it as fast or as slow as you want, and eventually decide where you want to go from there.”
“But?” Antony could hear there was something waiting on his friend’s tongue.
“But, I think after you figure a few things out, the best place for you is at home.”
An ache began in Antony’s gut. At first it felt small and insignificant, but the more he thought about what was waiting and what he’d left behind, the more the pain began to consume him.
He shifted, twisting in his seat to try and relieve it, but the vision of Riley’s tears and her declarations of love wouldn’t leave his head. She’d never left him. Not like he’d been telling himself. Up to the very end, she’d been right there, doing her best to help, doing her best to make him see that he wasn’t alone. She’d done more than say “I love you,” she’d actually shown him through her actions.
Everything that had made him so mad for the week suddenly broke free into a new perspective, and Antony groaned. She’d been right there. Right at his door.
And he’d left without a second glance.