Chapter 28 Aurora
AURORA
The backstage halls are a hive of activity as I follow Jones to the band’s dressing rooms.
Each step closer heightens my nerves. I haven’t been in a dressing room since embarrassing myself in Adelaide. I’ve been avoiding them at all costs, but tonight, I’m driven by a strong desire to see Mabel in person.
I can’t wait until after the show. It needs to be now.
I’ve spent all day thinking about her. Stewing. Panicking. Then grinning like a fool with every text she’d send.
Logically, I know it’s quick. I know I shouldn’t be basing huge life decisions on Mabel Rossi, famous drummer for the world’s biggest band. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s been a long time coming.
I’ve been living in the dark for so long.
Being away from Brady has brought me back into the light.
It’s not just Mabel’s influence that’s helped with that; it’s been Sav, Callie, and Claire, too.
I’ve witnessed healthy relationships and strong friendships.
I’ve been treated with respect and compassion.
I’ve been reminded that I matter. What I want matters.
Sav said she and Levi are a team. He wants what she wants. I deserve that kind of partnership.
Callie said she’d leave Torren. She said she wouldn’t compromise her bodily autonomy for anyone. I shouldn’t have to either.
I’m anxious. I’m nervous. I’m so, so scared. But for the first time in years, I’m feeling brave and confident, and I can’t let those feelings fade back into the darkness.
“It’s right here, Ms. Sinclair.”
Jones’s voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I look up to find him standing in front of a door. The dressing room. My nerves spike once more. I tear my eyes from the door and look back at Jones, stalling.
“You can call me Aurora,” I remind him. “I really prefer it.”
“Of course. Apologies.”
“Actually, Payton is your first name, right?”
He shakes his head. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Can I call you Payton?”
“Yes.”
“Payton. Please, for the love of God, don’t call me ma’am. Or Ms. Sinclair. I hate them both. It’s just Aurora.”
A rare smile crosses his face as he responds. “Okay, Aurora.”
“Thank you.” I nod toward the door. “I’ll see you later?”
“I’ll be back to escort you to the front before the show.”
When he leaves, I turn to face the door again.
Shoulders back. Chin up. Suck it up, Aurora Jade. Be brave.
I take two deep breaths, then knock.
“Enter,” Sav calls from the room, so I open the door and step inside.
My eyes find Mabel immediately, but they’re pulled back to Sav when she speaks again.
“Oh, hey, Aurora.” She gives me a weird, plastic smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Did you come to hang out before the show?” She gestures to a spread of food where her bodyguard is casually picking grapes off a fruit tray. “You can help yourself. There are drinks in the fridge, too.”
“No. Uh, thanks, but no.” I flick my eyes back to Mabel. “Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you? In private?”
Mabel’s smile doesn’t reach her eyes either, and it makes uncomfortable chills skate down my spine. I frown, almost expecting her to turn me down, but she nods and stands from the vanity where she was sitting.
“Sure.”
She walks toward the door without even looking at or acknowledging Sav. In fact, the room seems to be filled with an eerie, tense energy that I didn’t notice at first, and I’m relieved to see Mabel heading into the hallway.
I follow her, but before I step out of the room, I look to Sav once more and raise my hand in an awkward wave.
“Do the good tonight.” I cringe, because that didn’t come out at all how I wanted it to. “I mean good luck tonight. Or break a leg? I hope it goes well. I mean that.”
Her brows rise in amusement, and she gives me one of those Sav Loveless smirks.
“You, too.”
I have no idea what she means by that.
You, too?
Why would I need good luck? What does she hope goes well for me? Does she know something I don’t?
My brain attempts to go down a side quest spiral, but then Mabel is halting in front of a totally different room, so I follow her inside and let her shut the door behind us.
“What’s up?”
Her voice is soft, and her tone is light, but I can still see the tense set to her shoulders and jaw. It gives me pause. I don’t want to unload on her if she’s already dealing with something, and suddenly my whole center shifts. I’m no longer worried about me. I’m concerned for her.
I shake my head. “Is everything okay? Did something happen with your birth mom? You seem stressed. We can talk about that first if you want.”
It’s like watching a balloon deflate slowly, the way the tension bleeds from her body, and she exhales as if my words have relieved her of something heavy. Then she smiles. It’s timid and tired, but it feels like a hug, and brings a matching smile to my face.
“Thank you for that,” she says. “That really means a lot. I’m okay, though. Everything is fine with my birth mom. Nothing new. Tell me what you wanted to talk about. That’s more important to me right now.”
I scan her face, but I find no lie there, so I take a deep breath and push forward.
“Right. Well, I just wanted to...I think that I’m going to...No, I know I am. I know. I know that I am going to...”
I start to fumble over myself, so I stop, close my eyes, and collect my thoughts. I inhale slowly, then let the confession be carried on my exhale.
“I’m going to tell Brady that I don’t want to have a baby.”
The room goes eerily still. I can’t even hear breathing. When I open my eyes, I find Mabel staring at me, lips parted as if on a silent gasp.
“You are?” she whispers finally, and I nod.
“Yeah. And...”
I dart my tongue out to wet my now parched lips.
“And I’m going to tell him that I want a divorce.”
Her expression shifts, and for the first time in a while, I can’t read her. All emotion leaves her face until she’s just a blank canvas. My heart starts to race.
“Mabel?”
She blinks several times, and then nods twice before whispering, “Why?”
I shake my head. “What? What do you mean why?”
“Why are you going to do that?”
Still no discernable tone. Still no readable expression. She’s flat, blank, and cold, and in response, I start to ramble.
“Because I don’t want to have a baby. I don’t want to be married to him.
It’s not fair to anyone. I don’t love him, Mabel.
He’s manipulative and mean and controlling, and I actually think I might hate him.
He speaks to me like I’m nothing. He makes me feel like I’m nothing.
I can’t be with someone like that. Not now that I know what it feels like to be with someone I actually have feelings for.
Not now that I know how it feels to really connect.
..to really care about...to really love someone.
I just can’t. Being here with you, with your friends, it’s shown me how much better it could be.
How much better is should be. It’s shown me what I really want, and that’s not Brady.
I don’t want to be married to him or to be tied to him by a kid I don’t want.
I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I’ve wasted too much time already.
I’ve let him take too much from me. I have to end it. I have to.”
My breathing is elevated when I stop talking, and my pulse is pounding in my ears, but with the exception of two small lines forming between her brows, Mabel’s expression hasn’t changed. She’s still stony. She’s still cold. I start to panic.
“Mabel, say something. Please. You’re starting to worry me.”
I shake my head and take a step away from her.
“Did I upset you? Am I wrong? Do you not...are you not...is this bad? God, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not your problem. I’m sorry. I’m so sor—”
My apology is halted when her lips press against mine, and the surge of relief almost makes my knees buckle.
Her hands cup my face, and I wrap my arms around her, clinging to her, kissing her desperately.
Once again, she breathes life into me. She fills me with so much happiness and excitement and hope that I might burst with it.
I’ve never felt like this with anyone. Ever. I can question it all I want, but being with her makes it undeniable.
She pulls away and gazes into my eyes as her thumbs trace my jaw.
“Are you sure?”
I nod. “Yes.”
She presses another soft kiss to my lips before resting her forehead on mine. “I’m going to say something, but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way. Okay?”
My lips pull into a frown. “Okay.”
“I support you, and I agree that you shouldn’t stay with Brady. I agree with everything you said. But I need to know that you’re not doing this for me.”
I jerk back so I can look at her.
“What? What do you mean?”
She hesitates, so I step backward, and her hands fall away from me.
“What do you mean, Mabel?”
“This is a huge decision, and you should be making it for yourself, and only yourself. Not for me. Not for anyone else. Only for yourself.”
I feel like I’ve been scolded, and I break our eye contact so I can process what she’s said.
I know she’s right. I know she is. But I expected happiness.
Excitement, even. Not this insistence to remove herself from the decision.
Not this attempt to remove herself from me.
It hurts a lot. Probably more than it should.
“Please don’t take this the wrong way.”
“I thought you’d be happy.”
She steps closer and takes my hands in hers. “I am. I am so, so happy. But I also know how dangerous it can be to make life-altering decisions based off someone else. You need to do this for you and only you. I promised that I’d always be honest with you. This is me doing that.”
I drop my forehead to her shoulder and breathe her in. Gardenia and pear with a hint of brown sugar. I inhale deeply, letting her scent calm my spinning thoughts and racing heart.
She’s right, and I am taking this too personally. She’s being smart, and I’m being emotional. If I’m going to do this, I need to be honest with myself, and with her.