Chapter Thirty-Two
That was the problem. Especially after what had passed between us. I could very much imagine exactly what he would do and how well he would do it.
But he was not forgiven. “You should be grateful that I am more mad at Actos than I am at you right now.”
His laughter was low and deep. “I am.” He kissed the side of my neck and it began to burn.
Then he walked away from me and I felt untethered.
Which wasn’t something I had any experience with.
There were things I needed to say to him. I couldn’t keep kissing him until we got some things straightened out.
He was walking into the washroom and I followed him there, closing the door. “Are you sorry?”
“For earlier? Not even a little.”
Now was not the time for my blush. “For stealing the diviner stone from me.”
He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “I know that I should apologize to you, but I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not sorry. I had an important question and I got the answer I needed. If I got the chance to do it over again, I would make the same choice. And if I hadn’t used it, it would have fallen into the hands of the Dracanians or Actos.”
I hated it when he made sense. “You didn’t get an answer because I am not helping you.” He had told me during our dinner in Sagaris that he planned on asking the stone to help him find a great treasure. I didn’t care what the stone had said. I wasn’t going to assist him in stealing something.
“We’ll see,” he said with that infuriating grin. “And perhaps you should apologize to me.”
“For what?”
He walked over to me and grabbed my left hand, holding it up. “When you took this off earlier? You shouldn’t be giving away my trade secrets.”
“Then you shouldn’t be putting them on my finger!”
Zain continued to hold my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. I didn’t want to like it, but I did. And I just stood there and let him do it.
“Those girls out there . . . You know why you want to save them, don’t you?” he asked.
“Because it’s the right thing to do?”
“It’s because of your nightmare. You failed that family in Troas and now you are determined to save all the innocents you come across.”
Indignation swelled inside my chest, and my gut reaction was to tell him he didn’t know me and didn’t know what he was talking about.
But he was right.
I let go of his hand and walked away from him, to the farthest point in the room.
“It’s not your job to save the world, my illora. You can’t fight everyone.”
Now he sounded like my mother. “Maybe not, but there are a lot of people that I can fight.”
He stayed quiet for a few moments, looking deep in thought.
“In Sasania, they had a leader named Shamash who made a code for his citizens to live by. One of the things he advocated for was an eye for an eye. Whatever you did to someone else would be done to you. The problem with that is when we get so caught up in revenge, when everyone is poking each other’s eyes out, we lose sight of what’s important. ”
“I’m not trying to get revenge on anyone.”
“But you are planning to go around and take out a lot of eyes.”
I bristled. “At least I’m not stealing them.”
More silence. Then: “I’m not going to let you push me away, illora, like you do with everyone else.”
He walked out of the washroom, closing the door behind him.
I sat down hard on the side of the tub. What did he mean by that? I had already pushed him away once he had stolen from me.
Expelling air from my lungs, I did my best to collect my thoughts and calm down. The two Thracian girls did not need any more anger around them.
When I came out of the washroom, Zain was entertaining the girls with a game he knew while Dagger lolled on their laps.
“I thought he only liked me,” I said.
“Maybe he just likes Thracians,” Zain said.
I walked over to them and asked, “Can I join?”
He looked up at me and I saw confusion and then another emotion I couldn’t interpret before he smiled. “Yes. Sit here.”
We played and he lifted the girls’ spirits. Even Cotys was smiling. I noticed how late it had become and was sad I had to send them back to their room, but given that Actos had “lent” them to me, I needed to return them. I called one of the guards and asked him to escort the girls back.
I watched until they went around a corner and then I closed the door. When I turned, I saw Zain grabbing a blanket and pillow and heading toward the sofa.
“What are you doing?” I asked incredulously.
“I thought I was going to sleep on the sofa but now I’m sensing that might be the wrong answer.”
“We have to sleep in the same bed.”
When his expression turned from surprised to intrigued, I had to stop him. “Not for the reasons you’re thinking. They might send spies back, and how would it look if we are sleeping in two different locations?”
“Like I had somehow displeased you, which no one would believe because I would never leave you unsatisfied.”
I told my libido to calm down.
“Although I suppose you’re right,” he said, taking the bedding back to where he’d gotten it. “The spy. We certainly wouldn’t want them to see me sleeping away from you. They have to be able to tell the king that we spent the whole night together.”
It felt like he was making fun of me but I ignored it.
I got into the bed and grabbed a blanket for myself and turned away from him. We were sleeping just as we had in the barracks, only this time we were sharing a bed instead of being in two separate ones.
He let out a deep sigh. It blew against the hairs on the back of my neck and I had to close my eyes against the sensation.
“Do you want me to hold you, too?”
“No,” I said in the most scathing tone I could muster.
“The spy would have more to report.”
I ignored his teasing and pulled my blanket up to my ear.
After a few beats he said, “Good night, Queen Thalia.”
And I surprised myself by responding with, “Good night, Theogenes.”
Once again, he fell asleep quickly and I envied him that. If someone had told me a few days ago that I’d be kissing him and sharing my bed, I would have laughed until I cried.
I couldn’t sleep. I began to toss and turn, trying to find a comfortable position while Zain slept. I briefly imagined hitting him with a pillow for being so annoying, but refrained.
Instead I turned so that I was facing him and watched him sleep. He looked boyish and sweet and I thought about what he would do if I woke him up and asked him to touch me.
He would welcome it.
Lia’s voice filled my head as clearly as if she were sitting on the bed next to me.
“You can’t possibly know that,” I said.
You’d be surprised by what I know. Why are you so mad at him?
“I worked hard to win that diviner stone. I gave up so much and he drugged me and stole it and used it.”
I’ll admit that was . . . not great, but look at him!
That didn’t sound like Lia to me. “That’s not a compelling argument. He said he wasn’t sorry.”
So?
Was this my own internal voice? Or was someone actually speaking to me? “That’s not a rebuttal.”
Please take this from someone who spent way too long being angry over things that ultimately didn’t matter—don’t do this to yourself. Isn’t he a thief? Stealing is what he does.
That put up my defenses. Lia would never say such a thing. “That doesn’t excuse it.”
There are people who might think you’re a murderer.
“What?”
Because you take lives. But you’re a warrior. That makes things different.
“He’s still a thief.”
Yes, but he’s the king of thieves. You’d get a title.
“What, the queen of lies?”
She made an exasperated sound.
What you should do is a comparison between two thieves.
Let’s take King Actos. Actos steals children to have sex with them.
Zain stole a magical object you weren’t even aware of a month ago because there was a question he needed answered.
And hadn’t you already decided that you weren’t going to use the diviner stone yourself?
The voice seemed determined to get me to agree. “Yes, but—”
There’s no but. If you’d had that on you, if Zain hadn’t followed you and used it, the Dracanians or Actos would have taken it.
“That’s what he said.”
He sounds smart.
“Maybe if he hadn’t drugged me and dragged me off, we wouldn’t have been caught by the Dracanians.”
The men who were hunting you? It sounds as if that would have happened either way. And think of this—if you hadn’t been taken to Epirius, you wouldn’t have been put in a position where you could save those girls.
I sighed. That was a fair point. “How are you in my head arguing with me?”
There was a long pause and I wondered if my question scared the Lia-esque voice off.
Who can say? Perhaps the gods are involved because they want you to forgive the man who stole my husband.
“Kept him safe. Why would they want me to forgive him?”
Because he’s ridiculously handsome?
That sounded more like a question than an actual answer. Lia wouldn’t say that. “Really?”
That’s why I want you to forgive him. You deserve all of that. Being married to a ridiculously handsome man myself, I can tell you, it’s a great deal of fun.
The voice was missing the point. “How am I supposed to forgive someone who doesn’t want forgiveness?”
He feels bad. He wants your forgiveness. He just doesn’t think that he deserves it.
“And he would be right.”
The voice paused for so long that I thought she had left.
Didn’t he almost die crossing the desert? Forced to walk tied up to a cart with no water, the sun beating down on him, and very few chances to rest?
“Yes.”
So he was tortured for a couple of days and nearly died. Couldn’t that be punishment enough for what he did?
It had been truly terrible for him. He had nearly died. “I—I never thought of it that way.”
Maybe you should. And maybe the reason I’m here is that you’ve conjured me up because you need someone to talk to and you’re currently mad at the person you want to talk to. Someone you’ve spent a lot of time kissing, by the way.
“Stop being insightful and correct.”
It’s my job. Now, go to sleep. You need the rest.
“Yes, Mother.” My eyelids fluttered shut and I quickly fell asleep.