Chapter Thirty-Three
After that conversation, I expected Lia to show up in my dreams. She didn’t and I wasn’t sure how to interpret our conversation—or who I’d actually been speaking to.
Perhaps I had imagined the whole thing.
I was in the Invara dream again. But something was different. Eramis was gone, and instead of Invara standing tall and proud, she had collapsed to one knee. She struggled to lift her head to look at me. But she finally managed, her steel-gray eyes flashing.
Win.
She could speak to me again. Then whatever had pushed her to the ground hit me as well, that same loud noise that made me feel like I was drowning. I woke with a gasp, trying to breathe.
Zain slept on and at some point Dagger had come out and crawled into our bed, his feet straight up in the air.
I went into the washroom to prepare for my day and to prevent myself from staring at Zain while he slept. Because, I told myself, that was a strange and creepy thing to do.
After I’d used the toilet and washed my face, I looked at my reflection and wondered why I had heard Invara again.
I hadn’t slept for more than a few minutes at a time when we had crossed the Wastelands because I’d been too uncomfortable.
The smell, the men always talking, the creaking of the wheels, hitting every single rock in our path, the constant thirst, and feeling sorry for Zain all conspired to keep me awake.
Last night was the first time since the tournament that I’d been able to sleep through the night.
I remembered that it was the last night of the tournament when Invara hadn’t been able to speak to me at all.
What was different about now and then?
The only difference I could think of was Zain. He had left me that night, and now he was back and she could speak again.
But how or why would those two things be related?
Ask Zain.
“Quiet. I had quite enough of your opinions last night.”
“Who are you talking to?” His voice startled me.
“Myself,” I said.
“I understand. Often in my life in order to have company equal to me, I’ve had to speak to myself.”
My lips twitched at his joke. “The washroom is all yours.”
He stood in the doorway, so I had to brush past him as I walked out and every nerve ending I possessed sparkled with excitement.
I’d been in a rush earlier and hadn’t noticed what Dione had done. Not only did she have a breakfast tray waiting for us, but she had managed to get our armor and weapons returned.
I ran over to my sword and picked it up, wishing I could hug it. My grandmother’s shield! I had thought I’d never see it again. I put it down and swung my sword around a few times.
It had been far too long. I wanted to train. I quickly changed and began practicing my drills, just as my grandmother had taught me.
At some point Zain came out of the washroom and sat at the table, eating an apple and watching me.
“What are you doing?” I finally asked him.
“Enjoying the view.”
I was sweaty and breathing hard. “How could you like this?”
“I like watching you fight, the way that you move. It’s almost like dancing. I like watching you writhe and moan my name more, but this is a decent substitute.”
Goddess, I had moaned his name? I didn’t remember.
He took another bite of his apple and then said, “I also enjoy seeing how long you can do one activity without taking a break.”
That should have made me want to drive a sword through his throat. Why didn’t it?
He crunched into his apple again. When he was done chewing, he said, “There’s something I’ve been thinking about.”
“I know what you’ve been thinking about.” He hadn’t been subtle.
“Not that. Well, yes, obviously I think about you and that constantly, but that’s not what I’m talking about. When you first woke up in the Wastelands—”
I interrupted him. “After you drugged and bound me?”
He brushed past that. “You tried to call on your goddess’s fighting aspect, didn’t you? And it didn’t work.”
I nodded.
“Have you tried again since then?”
“Why would I?”
“You should try it,” he said. “I’m curious.”
“This may surprise you but I don’t live to satisfy your curiosity.”
“Very well aware,” he said in that tone that gave me butterflies. “But we’re not doing anything else and you might need that aspect in the future.”
I hadn’t considered that. All the people I’d met who were battle-favored or goddess-blessed didn’t have other abilities, with one exception.
I knew that the goddess-blessed priestess named Antiope from Lia’s temple had attempted to invoke a power of her goddess and had been successful, but the weight of using it had knocked her out and so she’d decided to focus her time on her natural power.
What if this made me strong enough to defeat the Daemonian guards? It was worth trying.
“If I attack you, I’m sorry.” Not that I thought Zain deserved an apology, but I had no idea what this aspect might do.
“Why are you apologizing for something that hasn’t even happened yet?”
“Because when you do something wrong or make a mistake, you apologize,” I said pointedly. “Like how I apologized to you repeatedly after I used Invara’s fertility aspect.”
“You didn’t need to.”
“I thought I had scared you. I thought I had done some irreparable harm to you that night.”
He let out a short bark of laughter. “If every woman who had ever straddled me did irreparable harm, I would be . . .”
His voice trailed off as if he suddenly remembered who he was talking to. “I wasn’t upset with you that night. I was upset with myself.”
Finally, something that felt real.
“Why?”
“Because I knew what I was going to do to you the next day and I . . . didn’t deserve to be with you. Even though I wanted to, more than anything.”
That Lia voice from last night echoed in my head.
He feels bad. He wants your forgiveness. He just doesn’t think that he deserves it.
“Do you want forgiveness?”
Surprise lit up his features. “Are you offering it?”
“Should I? You don’t seem interested in it.”
“I am sorry that I hurt you,” he said, and my heart stopped beating for one moment. “I didn’t want to do that. That I feel bad about.”
Was that enough for me? Had imaginary Lia been right? Was I holding on to anger I didn’t need to keep? I’d heard the real Lia express her regret many times that she had been so mad at Xander for so long, she wished she had communicated better with him and found out the truth long before she did.
“I could always go on another quest for you,” he offered. “Win your favor again.”
“You remember that now?”
He nodded. “I remember everything from that night.”
“What did you do with the pig?”
“I put him back where I’d found him.”
“Oh.” It still stung a little that he’d given it to me only to snatch it away.
“And I did almost take an arrow for you during the final event.”
Such an exaggeration. “That arrow was nowhere near you and it wasn’t meant for me. You can’t take something you’ve done and bank it for future offenses you commit.”
“Fair enough.”
The words from last night kept running through my head. I didn’t like being angry. I wanted to enjoy my life, and anger kept that from happening. But I didn’t think I was ready to forgive him yet.
“Thank you,” I finally said. “For your apology.”
“You’re welcome,” he responded quietly. “Now, back to you using your goddess’s fighting aspect.”
“Yes.” I had forgotten we’d even talked about that. I dropped my sword on the table so that I wouldn’t have a weapon in my hand. I let out a deep breath and then said, “Invara Enyalius.”
I stood and waited.
“Nothing’s happening,” I finally said.
“Do you feel like you want to attack something?”
“No more so than usual.”
“That means yes,” he said. He came over to me and looked at my face. “Your eyes aren’t steel gray like they were the last night of the tournament.”
“So it isn’t working.” That was a disappointment. The rest of Lia’s adelphia only had one aspect, so it made sense that I would as well. I had been hoping it might be different because Invara wasn’t Dea.
There was a knock at the door.
“I’m answering it,” Zain said, rushing over.
When he opened it, Dione came in. “I have news. The king has requested that you join him in his meeting room. He would like to talk to you about your journey. I also wanted to ask you, Queen Thalia, if you liked the pants I brought you.”
I assumed she had called me Queen Thalia for the benefit of anyone who might be listening in from the hallway, as Zain hadn’t closed the door.
That was why I should be in charge of it.
“Pants?” I repeated. “What is that?”
“They’re in this pile of clothes here, imported from Sasania. Epirian women will often wear them when thieving.” She held up what looked like a skirt that had been cut in half lengthwise and stitched back up.
“It’s too small.”
“They are supposed to be tight on you. Try them on.”
I took them and put them on under my tunic. They were comfortable and practical. “This is so much better! No more bare legs rubbing against a horse, no more dust and dirt flying up into my tunic, no accidentally exposing myself every time I have to kick someone in the face.”
“Does that happen a lot?” Zain asked, interested.
“More than you’d think.”
“I should have picked more fights with you.”
Dismissing him with a wave of my hand, I went back to my pants and did some practice kicks.
How had I lived my entire life without these?
“The king expects you in half an hour. Please let me know if there’s anything you need,” she said.
“More pants.” When I brought these back to Thrace, the people would be lining up to wear them.
“I’ll see what I can do.” Dione let herself out and closed the door.
“You seem different today,” Zain asked.
“It’s the pants.”
“It’s not the pants,” he said with a smile.
If communication was important, then I needed to be doing it. “Recently, I sometimes speak to someone that sounds like the queen of Ilion. In my head.”
He didn’t say anything and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“Maybe it’s because I’m pretending to be her and so I feel closer to her. But she gave me a lot to think about last night, and it might have . . . changed how I see some things.”
Now he was the one saying, “Oh.”
I heard a rustling noise and thought that maybe our spy had returned, but I didn’t see a pair of real eyes in the painting. I looked behind me and it was Dagger, dragging a pillow to his bed.
“What do you think Actos would have done if we weren’t ‘having an affair’? How would he have hoped to control Lia?”
“I’m just glad we don’t have to find out.”
So was I, and Zain was right: It was probably better we didn’t know because what we did know about the man was depraved enough.
I continued to train in my pants while Zain got ready. When it was time to leave, Dione knocked on our door again to escort us. It wasn’t necessary, as I would have been able to find my own way, but this seemed to be how things worked in this palace.
The guards opened the door and announced us. Now that I knew they were Daemonian, I saw the telltale signs. Their shaved heads. The pieces of armor they had added to their Epirian uniform.
The xiphos that every man had in a sheath on his belt.
“Queen Thalia! Theogenes! Come in, come in,” Actos said.
It was difficult to arrange my face so that I didn’t look like I wanted to stab him.
Especially because he had Nesdahlia and Cotys chained to his chair by their neckbands.
Was that supposed to be some sort of message for me?
“Did you enjoy yourselves last night? I heard word that the two of you engage in quite a bit of talking during your love play.”
The only reason he knew that was because of the spy he’d sent. “Theogenes is a master conversationalist.”
“Good with his tongue, eh?” Only Actos laughed at his joke.
That confirmed that the spy hadn’t been able to hear the words we had said or else this conversation would be going very differently. I tried to think of what Lia would do in this moment. She wouldn’t respond to his vulgarness. I stared at Actos until he started shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
To mask that, he began talking about our journey. He seemed very excited that we were going to retrieve this weapon for him. I took some satisfaction in knowing that he wouldn’t have it for very long and that I would soon relieve him of all the concubines he had stolen.
He provided us with maps and said that his staff were preparing the supplies and horses that we would need for the trip. “It is a three-day journey there and then three days back. You will be deep in the Wastelands. I have heard many stories about the kinds of monsters that live there.”
“Perhaps after we retrieve the caduceus, we will be able to use it against the monsters,” I said.
“It’s not a weapon. It is a symbol. Nothing more.”
That made me think he was lying and that it was probably a weapon of great power. If Eramis had wielded it in battle, of course it did something.
Zain and I exchanged glances, and I knew he was thinking the same thing as me.
We were going to find out what it could do.