29. Jax #2
“No buts.”
I start rocking the carriage when we reach the very top. The view of Sydney Harbour is spectacular from up here. Maddie laughs—she’s a daredevil like me.
“Please stop,” Candice pleads. She has her eyes clenched shut and her fingers are gripping the seat with such force her knuckles have turned white. She looks petrified.
“Are you okay?”
She shakes her head vigorously.
“Mummy’s scared,” Maddie declares.
“Hey,” I say, nudging Candice’s leg with my foot. “The view is amazing from here, open your eyes.”
She shakes her head again, so I move to sit beside her.
“It’s okay,” I say, prying her fingers from the seat and wrapping them in my hand.
Her eyes immediately spring open and they take in our linked hands.
I see a smile tug at her lips. “There is nothing to be frightened of, I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise. ”
Her grip on my hand tightens. “Thank you,” she whispers.
We stopped at an Italian restaurant for dinner on the way home later that evening. For the past few years, I’ve avoided Candice wherever possible, but for some reason, I’m trying to drag the evening out as long as I can. I don’t want it to end.
Maddie is sound asleep by the time we pull into Candice’s driveway. “Thank you for letting me come today,” she says. “It’s been fun. Just like old times.”
“Like old times,” I reply as I look away. I miss those days, but we can never get them back.
When I feel her fingers wrap around mine, I glance back in her direction. “I miss you, Jax.”
I close my eyes and release a long, drawn-out breath.
I fucking miss her too, but that ship sailed the moment she betrayed me.
When I reopen my eyes, she’s watching me.
We sit there in silence just staring at each other.
It feels like an eternity passes but it’s only minutes.
Then the inevitable happens—that damn shift …
the one that always occurs when we’re together like this.
Involuntarily, my face inches towards hers. Just before our lips connect, everything that has happened between us flashes through my mind. This is a bad idea. I close my eyes again, as I rest my forehead against hers.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper.
She sighs just before she draws back. “I understand.” I can hear the hurt in her voice. “Good night, Jax.”
Without looking at me, she reaches for the door handle and gets out of the car. I see her wipe a finger under her eye as she closes the door, and I know she’s crying. She runs across the front lawn and towards the house.
“Fuck,” I growl, banging my hand down on the steering wheel.
Two months later …
“Daddy, you came,” Maddie cries as she runs towards me, leaping into my arms.
“Of course, I came. I wouldn’t miss your first day of big school for anything.”
After kissing her cheek, I place her back down on her feet and sigh—she looks so grown up in her school uniform.
Candice and I put in a lot of effort last year, trying to find the perfect school for our little girl.
A place where she’d be happy and looked after.
It was tough because neither of us were prepared to let her go. I’ve been dreading this day for months.
When we finally settled on a place that we both liked, we attended the parent interview together. It was a day I’ll never forget, and not for the reason you think. The moment Candice got in the car when I picked her up, she handed me an envelope.
“I hope you don’t mind that I went ahead and did this,” she said.
“Did what?”
“Open it.”
The feelings that ran through me as I looked down at the piece of paper in my hand that said, Maddison Albright , were mammoth. Happiness, pride, gratitude, just to name a few. It was an emotional moment and I struggled to keep it together.
“It’s all legal. It was done through Births, Deaths and Marriages,” Candice had said, reaching across the centre console and placing her hand on top of mine. “She’s your daughter, Jax, she should have your name.”
She was my daughter regardless of her name, but it was now official and I had the piece of paper to prove it.
“Morning,” I say with a nod, looking over at Candice, Sophia and Brendan.
It’s great that Maddie has so much support.
I only wish she had it from my family as well.
I’ve never told my parents about her, but maybe it’s time I did.
They may have turned their backs on me, but surely they’d want to be part of their granddaughter’s life?
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I hold it up as I take a picture of Maddie.
“Do you want one together?” Candice asks.
“Sure. That’d be great,” I answer, passing her my phone.
Things have been weird between us ever since we almost kissed after our day at Luna Park.
We’ve avoided each other as much as we can.
Apart from the drop-offs, pick-ups and occasional dinners at Candice’s place, we don’t go near each other.
We did spend Christmas Day together with our daughter.
After seeing how happy Maddie was on her birthday, we made a pact that every special occasion—birthdays, Easter and Christmas—would be spent together as a family.
Crouching down beside Maddie, I wrap my arm around her and look up at my phone.
“Say cheese,” Candice says.
“Cheese,” Maddie calls out.
When the school bell rings, I get a little choked up inside.
It’s such a poignant moment, and I’m not ready to let her go.
Candice picks up Maddie’s backpack, and helps put it on her back—it’s almost as big as her.
Everything in me wants to bundle my little girl into my car and take her away from this place.
She’s not ready—correction: I’m not ready.
She makes her way along the line, starting with me. “Bye, Daddy,” she says, wrapping her arms around my waist. When she releases me, I crouch down in front of her, tucking a blonde curl behind her ear.
“Have a great day.” That’s all I can manage to say without showing my emotions.
“I will, Daddy. I love you.”
“I love you too, Peanut.”
She smiles. She seems excited and happy to be here, so I need to accept that.
“Bye, Mummy,” Maddie says, moving to Candice.
“Bye, baby girl.”
When I see the tears welling in Candice’s eyes, I have to look away. I keep my face turned until Maddie moves to Brendan. Even then I avoid making eye contact with Candice.
“Bye, Poppy,” she says, hugging him. She’s been calling him that for a while now. She adores him just as much as he adores her.
“Have a great day, sweetheart.”
“Bye, Sophia.” Of course, Sophia’s crying too, but it doesn’t seem to affect me like Candice’s tears do.
Brendan bends and whispers something in Maddie’s ear.
“I mean, bye, Nanny.”
We all laugh when Sophia elbows Brendan in the ribs. Brendan proposed to her a few weeks ago. They’re even talking about moving in together soon. It’s great to see them so happy.
Maddie runs back to me and gives me one last hug before she joins the rest of her class.
I swear if I see one tear fall from her eye, I’m going to take her home with me.
But I don’t. She looks so proud standing there in her uniform, smiling.
The sight only seems to break my heart a little more.
I enjoy watching her grow, but I need it to slow down a little. It’s all happening too fast.
We stay until she disappears around the corner.
Walking away and leaving her here is hard.
The moment we’re out of the gate, Candice breaks down beside me.
Christ, doesn’t she realise how hard I’m trying to keep it together?
Sophia and Brendan are a few metres in front of us, oblivious to what’s happening.
“Come here,” I say, pulling Candice into my arms. She slides her hands around my waist, clinging to me as she cries softly into my chest. I need this hug just as much as she does, but I’d never admit that out loud.
“I’m not sure if I can leave her here, Jax,” she whispers.
“I feel the same way.” My voice cracks as I speak.
Who knew parenting could be this hard?