31. Jax #2
I called in briefly to see her on Sunday night on my way home from Carter’s.
But for some reason, the moment I saw her, I became racked with guilt.
Carter’s words kept circling in my mind: I’m a bastard, an illegitimate child .
I could tell he was burdened by this label, and it made me wonder if my Maddie would ever feel that way about herself. Christ, I hope not.
I can feel a few of the mothers’ eyes on me as I wait outside Maddie’s classroom, but I try to ignore them. I’m not going there. No fucking way.
“Daddy!” Maddie squeals as she exits the classroom.
“Hey, Peanut,” I say, hugging her. When I let her go, she places her school bag on the ground and opens the zipper.
“I made you something today.”
“You did?” I’m grinning like a fool as I wait for her to retrieve it out of her bag.
“It’s a painting. Of you, me and Mummy.”
“I love it,” I tell her as my eyes skim over the stick figures …
our heads are huge. The one in the black cap must be me, and she’s painted pink hair on Candice.
The small figure standing between us is obviously Maddie.
Our hands are linked. She seems well adjusted to our situation, but again I wonder if she is.
We stop for vanilla ice cream and sprinkles on the way home. It’s become our after-school ritual.
The first thing I do when we get back to my place is check the letterbox.
I always check it, but not as religiously as I have been the past week.
I sling Maddie’s schoolbag over my shoulder as I sift through the pile of envelopes in my hand.
Bill, bill—and then I freeze. I recognise the handwriting straightaway—it’s my mother’s.
Fuck me, she replied. Why does that make me smile?
“Daddy, hurry. Unlock the front door,” Maddie yells. “I need to pee.”
I look up and find her bouncing up and down with her legs crossed. Jogging over, I quickly unlock the door and she runs down the hallway in the direction of the bathroom.
“Don’t forget to wash your hands when you’re done,” I call out as I head into the kitchen.
“Yes, Daddy.”
I place the mail and Maddie’s schoolbag on the breakfast bar. The moment my eyes move back to the letter, the smile drops from my face. I stare down at the envelope for the longest time, it’s funny how I’ve been hoping for a reply, but now it’s here, I’m not sure if I want to open it.
I take the coward’s way out, picking the letter up and shoving it into my back pocket. I go about unpacking Maddie’s bag. I take the painting she made and stick it proudly to the fridge with a magnet.
When I hear the television turn on in the lounge room, I pour Maddie a glass of milk and place a few Oreo cookies on a plate. Dinner won’t be for a few hours, and she’s always hungry when she gets home from school.
I rinse the last of the shampoo out of Maddie’s hair as she sits in the bath. “Are you ready to get out, or do you want to play with your bath toys for a while?”
“Play,” she says, looking up at me with a smile, as she squeezes a small amount of shampoo into her doll’s hair
“Ten minutes, okay? Any longer and the water will be cold.”
As I head into her bedroom to get her pyjamas out of the drawer, my mind drifts back to the letter. I feel like it’s burning a hole in my pocket. I’ve managed to avoid opening it for the past few hours but I suddenly can’t put it off any longer.
My hands tremble slightly as I sit down on the side of Maddie’s bed and slide out the envelope.
Again I stare at it. I know this is just a piece of paper with writing on it, but this is my family we’re talking about.
This letter is liable to contain anything.
I take a deep breath as I tear it open and unfold the piece of paper.
Dear Jaxson,
I hope this letter finds you well. You’re right, it has been years since you’ve made contact. I’m surprised you even bothered after all this time.
I wasn’t completely shocked to hear you have a child, or that you chose to pursue such a menial and degrading profession.
Your father and I spent a fortune on your education, and this is how you repay us.
As usual, you have little or no concern for this family or our reputation.
At least your brother doesn’t continually disappoint us. Where did we go wrong with you?
I haven’t enlightened your father or brother about your news.
I’d appreciate it if this dirty little secret is kept between us.
If this was to become public knowledge, it could severely damage our good name.
An illegitimate child, Jaxson—really? When are you going to grow up?
Your poor brother and his lovely wife, Jennifer, are struggling to conceive, and here you are popping out babies with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Do you have no self-respect?
Your daughter, however, is very cute. I can see some of my mother in her, God rest her soul. But I’m afraid under the circumstances, any formal introduction will not be possible. Please tell her I said hello though.
Sincerely,
Your mother
I screw the letter up, trying to swallow the golf ball sized lump in my throat. A dirty little secret . How dare she refer to my daughter like that. I take a deep breath, trying to control the rage that bubbles up inside me.
The only positive thing in that letter was the mention of the similarities between my grandmother and Maddie. I adored that woman. She’d love my daughter if she was alive, I know it.
A dull ache settles in my chest as I go over her words in my mind.
Tell her I said hello . Is she fucking kidding me?
I will never tell Maddie about her. It’s my job as a father to protect her.
There’s no way I’d ever tell my precious daughter that her own flesh and blood want nothing to do with her.
As my mother said in the letter, I shouldn’t have bothered. I won’t make that mistake again.
I suddenly have a whole new understanding of Carter’s situation. I felt for him when he spoke about his childhood, but even more so now. My daughter will hopefully never know such rejection. Not if I have any say in it.
Going by my experiences with my family, Maddie’s better off without them in her life anyway.
But even that doesn’t seem to lessen the sting of my mother’s rejection.
It hurts way more than all the other times.
She’s just an innocent child, but she’s part of me, so why would they want anything to do with her?
I shouldn’t be surprised they aren’t even giving her a chance.
“I’m ready to get out of the bath, Daddy,” Maddie calls out.
“Coming.” I take a deep breath as I stand, shoving the screwed-up letter into my back pocket. I need a minute to pull myself together. Maddie can never know about this.
Grabbing a clean towel from the linen cupboard, I head into the bathroom. I hold the towel open for her when she stands, wrapping it around her as I lift her out of the bath.
After I help her into her pyjamas, I kneel in front of her so I can run a brush through her hair. She gives me a serious look like she’s studying me. I smile when she lifts her hand, placing it softly on my cheek.
“Are you okay, Daddy? You look sad.”
“Sad? Why would I be sad? I have my little girl here, and in three more days, I’ll have you for the entire weekend.” When I tickle her, she laughs and squirms in my hands. I love the sweet sound of her laughter. “Don’t you know how happy I am when you’re with me?”
“I like being with you too.” She wraps her arms around my neck, placing a kiss on my cheek. “I love you, Daddy.”
Holding her against me, I clench my eyes shut to stop the tears. She’s all I’ll ever need. “I love you too, Peanut. So much.”
When her hold on me tightens, I get the feeling she can see straight through my lies. She’s smarter than I give her credit for. My heart is breaking for her, and she has no idea why. My family may not want her, but I can tell you one thing, she’ll always have me. Always .
“I wish you could live with me and Mummy all the time. I miss you when I’m at Nanny’s house.”
I chuckle. Sophia thought being called ‘Mum’ made her feel old, so I can only imagine how the new ‘Nanny’ label is making her feel.
“I miss you too. Always. I count down the days until you’re here again.”
“Shelby’s mum and dad live in the same house.” She draws back and makes eye contact with me. “They even sleep in the same bed.” Her eyes widen when she says the last part, like it’s a huge scandal. It has me grinning.
“Who’s Shelby?”
“My friend, silly. She’s in my class.”
“Oh, her.” I have no clue who Shelby is.
“Nanny said when she and Poppy get married, they’re going to live together. You should marry Mummy, then we can all live together too.” She gives me a serious look, like it’s something I should consider.
Fuck! Where the hell did that come from?