Chapter Seven
rooftop tears
I send Logan a text with the address and a time, and also add,
No pressure to show up. Only if you want to.
And I instantly feel stupid for it as soon as I hit send. Oh well, too late now.
This is a personality flaw of mine. I always feel the need to include people, but then feel like it’s an inconvenience to them if they go out of their way to do something I invited them to.
My phone dings with a text, and I feel excitement flood me thinking it's Logan.
Char, where are you??-Cassie
I feel myself deflate.
Almost there, Cassie. -Charlie
I hit send, and hope she can sense my eye roll through the phone.
My phone dings again, and this time I actually do roll my eyes. She’s so pushy.
I want to come, don’t think I don’t. -Logan
I stop walking, and stare at my phone. Why do I feel like a teenager who just got a text from her crush?
That's all this is. An innocent crush.
I need to remind myself that, and remind myself that I can have a friend, who is an overly attractive guy.
I’ll make it clear tonight.
If he comes.
The sun is on its last stretch of light when I make it to Cassie’s, and take the elevator up to her floor.
As I get to the door, I can hear shushing, and Cassie whisper-yelling “She’s coming! Everyone quiet!”
I roll my eyes. This is typical of her. Having me help plan things for my own party, and know when it’s happening, then tell everyone it's a surprise party.
Grabbing onto the door handle, I take a breath, preparing myself to act surprised, then swing the door open.
“Surprise!” Everyone yells, as I flip the lights on.
I jump and throw on my best shocked face.
“Oh my gosh! What is this!” I squeal, hoping it sounds genuine.
Nathaniel comes up to me and winks, “You’re surprise party.”
I wink back at him, and he pulls me in for a hug. “Happy birthday Charlie.”
“Thank you. Thanks for coming, by the way. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.”
As I say that, a man with fluffy hair and a sharp jawline approaches and puts his arm around Nathaniel's waist.
“Charlie, this is Zeke. My boyfriend.”
I hold back my shock. Nathaniel has never been one to have a boyfriend.
Flings, on the other hand..
“Oh wow. It’s nice to meet you, Zeke. And thank you for coming.”
“Wouldn't have missed it. Nathaniel talks about you incessantly.”
I look at Nathaniel, my brows raising in an oh really sort of way.
He shoves my shoulder, “Don’t flatter yourself. He’s just trying to get on your good side.”
“I only have a good side, babe.” I wink and walk past him, greeting people as they come up to me and wish me happy birthday.
Then I find Cassie.
“A surprise party? Cass, you shouldn't have.”
She wraps me in a tight hug that tells me she's already had a couple glasses of wine, probably in preparation for tonight.
“You should've seen this coming, honestly. I’m surprised you didn't sniff me out.” she winks.
“Me too.” I tease, then add, “Where's mom? I didn't see her?”
“Oh she’s over in the kitchen talking to some silver fox over vodka shots.”
I quirk my brows up at her.
“Kidding. About the shots.” she wiggles her eyebrows at me.
It’s not weird for my mom to be talking to a guy, she's a beautiful woman. I leave her be, knowing she’ll come and find me.
“Char, come on I want you to see the roof!”
I honestly completely forgot about the rooftop part of the party.
She leads me out her window, and we climb the stairs up to the roof.
Once I step over the ledge, my jaw drops.
There’s lights, flowers and candles everywhere.
A cake set on a table against a wall. And small speakers set up playing relaxing music.
This is my kind of party.
“Cassie, this is absolutely gorgeous. Thank you for doing all of this for me.”
“Are you kidding? You deserve the world and more Char. I just try my best to give it to you.”
I feel my eyes start to well up, then feel a hand land on my shoulder.
“Charlie! You walked right past me.” my mom says, pulling me into a hug.
“I was told you were getting frisky with a fox, I didn’t want to interrupt.”
She slaps my shoulder, “I was not. This nice gentleman was talking to me about you, and telling me how much he’s loved having you around.”
Hm. I’m not sure who that would be.
“Well either way, I knew you'd come find me.”
She pulls me in, and whispers “Happy birthday sweetie.” in my ear.
I love that she was able to come. I may be 30 now, but I’ll always want my mom.
The night goes on, I have a couple glasses of wine, and dance with Cassie until her new military man shows up, without a friend, thank goodness.
He’s tall, extremely muscular, and has a close shaved head and tattoos up his neck.
Whoa.
Definitely not my type, but 100% Cassie’s.
“Hi, you must be the birthday girl.” he says as he walks up to the both of us, his eyes darting between me and Cassie, and lingering on Cassie who is holding me very closely.
“You two are awfully close, aren't you?” he says, and I think he's just teasing, but it's hard to tell.
Cass releases me, and tangles her arm into his.
“Charlie, this is Garrett, Garrett, this is Charlie.” She introduces us, and he gives her a squeeze, and a kiss on her cheek.
Then he looks at me, and I don't know what it is, but I get an odd feeling from him.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, I’m glad you could come.” I tell him.
“Thank you for having me, this party really turned out amazing.”
“It really did, didn't it.”
He nods, then says, “I know Cassie mentioned my friend coming, but he had a meeting come up, and won't be here I’m afraid.”
My eyebrows fly up. Is he talking about Logan? Do they know each other?
After a second, he adds, “If you don't mind, I’m going to steal Cassie for a dance before the night is over.”
I wave a hand, “She’s all yours.”
Cassie turns and scrunches her nose up at me as they walk away, and I just hope she’s happy. He seems nice, but that comment about us being too close just doesn't sit right with me.
I make my rounds, talking to people I either don't know, dont remember or havent seen in a long time.
People give me presents, we eat tacos, cake, and dance the night away.
And now all I can think about is if Logan is the strange man Cass was trying to set me up with.
I look at the clock on the wall, and see that it is almost 11 p.m. Taking off my shoes, I head back up to the rooftop, and find a corner where there's no people.
I just need some quiet for one minute.
The party downstairs doesn't seem like it’s going to be letting up anytime soon, but I don't think I can be the first person to leave my own party.
I pull my phone out, checking again to see if there's any text from Logan.
Still nothing.
I take a sip of my wine.
It's ok that he didn't come. I’m sure he had a busy night, or something came up, or he just didn't feel like coming, and that's ok.
I look out over the town. Everything is so much quieter up here. There's no car noises, no lights beaming down on me. Just quiet, fresh air, with soothing music in the background.
I close my eyes, breathing in the night air.
“Sorry I’m late,” says a deep voice behind me.
I freeze, hearing his voice bringing butterflies to my stomach.
“You’re very late.” I tease.
I hear him chuckle under his breath, and hear his footsteps come closer.
“Really though. I planned on getting here earlier, but the meeting ran late, and then when I got home my sister had cooked for us.”
“You don’t have to explain, really. It’s ok.” I tell him.
“I know,” he says, and I feel the warmth of his body come up next to me.
We stand for a minute, both of us enjoying the quiet, until he speaks.
“Why are you up here tucked away by yourself?”
I turn and look at him, his eyes already on me.
“I just..I needed a minute of quiet.”
He nods, and I can tell he understands.
“I brought you something.”
As he says it, he pulls a small bouquet of marigolds from behind his back.
“I know it's not much, but I wanted to bring you something, and I saw these and thought of you.”
My heart twists, and something inside of me stirs.
Hesitantly, I grab the flowers.
“Did you pick these out on your own?” I ask him as I look at the beautiful orange flowers in my hand.
“I did. I passed a flower stand earlier, and when I saw them I just had to get them for you.”
I feel his eyes on me, assessing my reaction to the flowers and trying to figure out if I like them or not.
“Are they not ok?”
I look at the flowers. Marigolds. My favorite flower in the entire world. How. How did he know?
I feel tears start to prick my eyes, and I hate that this is making me emotional. It’s this stupid night. My birthday, the memories, the flowers.
I try to blink them away, then look up at him and see his expression drop when he sees my eyes.
“They are perfect.” I tell him, wiping at my eyes.
These emotions are not a good combination, and I hate that I’m tearing up in front of him.
He watches me for a minute, and I think he’s about to leave, when he says. “Does your favorite flower always make you cry?”
I sniffle, “It’s just this night. There's a lot of…emotions that come with my birthday. I’m sorry.”
He turns away from me, facing the town below us, and is quiet for a minute, and I feel ridiculous.
Here is this man, that I know nothing about, that I invited to my birthday party, and now I’m crying in front of him. He’s going to think I’m crazy.
I wipe my eyes quickly, and blow a laugh quietly to myself. “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t expect to come here tonight and have to comfort me, or see me cry. You came expecting a party.”
I turn and point to the wall around the corner, “There’s drinks, and tacos. And cake. We already cut that but there's a lot left. And there's dancing, somewhere, I’m sure..” I’m rambling again.
He smiles at me, and looks to where I’m pointing.
“That's nice.” he nods, then looks back at me, “but I came here to see you. I don't care if you cry in my arms all night, or get drunk and dance while laughing your ass off. I just wanted to see you.”
My eyes meet his, and he just smiles at me.
“Oh.” I say, suddenly very aware of how close we are standing. His arm is so close to mine that I can feel his body heat radiating off of him.
His eyes drop to my lips for the slightest second, then back up to my eyes.
Everything around me disappears.
Looking into his eyes, it’s like it’s just me and him.
No party.
No lights.
No noise.
Just us.
And I don't know how to feel about it.
My breathing is rapid, and I swear I can hear his breath pick up too.
He leans closer, still looking into my eyes.
“You’re beautiful, Charlie.” he whispers, his warm breath hitting my lips.
I think I whimper? I don't know, but a sound comes out of me and his eyes drop to my lips again.
I lick my lips, suddenly aware of how dry my mouth is. And for a second, I imagine what it would be like to kiss him. What his lips feel like. What it would feel like to have his hands in my hair.
I have to stop this.
I back away from him. Putting some distance between us. I don’t know what it is about his presence that just makes me lose all rational thoughts and restraint.
“I’m sorry.” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.
“No, I’m sorry. I just…” he pauses, hanging his head between his shoulders.
When he looks back up at me, something in his expression softens.
“I’m drawn to you, Charlie. I don’t know how else to explain it, other than I feel a pull of energy towards you and everytime it gets harder and harder to be near you without...” he trails off and looks back at my lips.
I know exactly what he means, because I’ve felt it too. But I’m not going to tell him that.
“Logan.. I need you to understand, I can't do relationships. I can’t do flings. I can’t do..” I wave a hand between us, “whatever that was.”
His eyes go back and forth between mine, searching for an answer I can’t give him.
Finally, he says, “What can you do?”
My mouth opens to answer him, but no words come out. What can I do? I’m not sure what's left in me to give anymore.
“If all I get from you is a good friendship, I’m ok with that.” he says when I don’t say anything.
My eyes are burning again and I internally curse myself for being so emotional in front of him.
“I can do that.” I say, looking down at my feet so he can't see me.
“But just know, whatever it is that hurts you, or causes you to not be able to give more than that.. It will get better. And you don't have to tell me. Just know it gets better. And that I’ll take whatever you are willing to give.”
I can't stop the tear that escapes, and slides down my cheek.
“People keep telling me that.” I say.
“But people can’t decide when you’re ready. Only you can.”
I nod, knowing he’s right.
I suck in a breath, and prepare myself for what I’m about to tell him.
“I um..” I start, not sure how to get this out. “I lost someone. Someone very important to me last year before my birthday.”
If I keep looking at my feet, maybe I can get it out.
“We were engaged for a year, taking our time planning everything. But time had other plans. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, which quickly spread throughout his entire body. Chemo stopped working, and there wasn't anything anyone could do except wait, and help him stay comfortable. “
I wipe my eyes, but I don't look up at Logan, because I have a feeling if I do, I’ll crumble.
“The week before he died, I set everything up with the hospital. I didn't care how, or where, I just wanted to be married to him before I lost him completely.” I fidget with my hands, trying to keep myself somewhat composed.
“We were married in his hospital room with my mom, Cassie, and his parents as witnesses. After that, the hospital told us there was nothing more they could do, and to get him comfortable, and prepare ourselves. We moved him to his parents' home in the country, and got him set up there and comfortable so he could be at home when the time came..”
“Charlie.” Logan says, but I don't look.
“I held his hand that whole night, regretting that I wanted the perfect big wedding with a lace dress, and marigolds everywhere. We didn’t need any of that. But he was willing to wait as long as I wanted so I could make it perfect.”
I wipe at my face, and finally look up at him, and to my surprise he’s crying too.
“I havent dated or kissed or held anyone's hand since the night I held Sam's hand through his final heartbeat.”
Logan wipes at his eyes, then looks out at the town, letting me get it all out.
“I feel it.” I start. “The pull, you were talking about.”
His eyes meet mine, and all I can see is understanding. This man sees me. And he understands.
“But it scares the shit out of me.”
He blows a breath out, then says, “Thank you. For telling me. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
I nod, not sure I can form any words right now.
“Friends. I promise. That’s all I ask for, if you’ll allow it.”
“I can do that.” I whisper, my voice cracking.
He steps closer, holding his arms out.
“Can I give you a hug? I feel like you could use one.”
I smile, and shake my head yes, because honestly I could use a hug.
I don’t talk about Sam much, but when I do, it takes everything out of me.
Logan wraps me in his giant arms, and as I rest my head on his chest, I feel my entire body relax, and all of the weight eases a little bit.
His hand is on the back of my head, gently caressing, as he whispers, “It’ll be ok. I promise.”
We just stand there for a minute, while he lets me compose myself
After I’m sure I can speak without blubbering, I ask, “Logan, do you know that Garrett guy?”
“Garrett? I do, yeah. We served together. We were both discharged at the same time.”
Hm. Ok. I wonder if Cassie knew that?
“Did he invite you to my party?” I ask.
He nods his head and smiles, “He did, and I was about to bring it up to you when I saw you earlier, but then you invited me before I could say anything.”
Oh.
“I’m glad you invited me, though. I wouldn't have shown up if you didn't.”
“Why not?”
He shrugs his shoulders, “I didn't want to show up to your party after meeting you without you being the one to invite me.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
He waves a hand back towards the door, “Come on. You should get back to your party before the nights over.”
I know he’s right, but all I want is to stay up here, in our quiet bubble.