Chapter Eight
impulsive decisions
The next morning I wake up with sore eyes, and a headache that I recognize all too well as a crying hangover.
I still can't believe I opened up like that to him.
To my surprise, though, I felt better afterwards.
I roll over in Cassie’s spare bed, and grab my phone. There's a text from 30 minutes ago.
Good morning, Charlie. I hope you slept well.- Logan
I smile at my phone, then hit reply.
Good morning, Logan. I did, thank you. Thank you for coming last night. And for the flowers.- Charlie
I hit send, and look over at the flowers that are in the vase on the nightstand.
They really are beautiful.
I pull the covers up under my chin, fully prepared to go back to sleep, when my mom comes into the room, without knocking.
“Mom. What if I was naked or something?” I say.
“Oh please, I’ve seen you naked.”
I roll my eyes just as she plops into the bed next to me.
I watch as her eyes land on the flowers. “Oh those are beautiful. Are they from that man? The really large one with the man bun?”
“Yes, mom. And his name is Logan.”
She makes a ‘oooo’ sound, and I nudge my elbow into her.
“Stop that. We’re friends.”
“Ok. I’ve heard that one before.”
“I’m serious. I’ve told you, I’m not ready to date anyone.”
“I know, I know. I’m only teasing, and you know it. You can never have too many friends.”
“Did you enjoy the party?” I ask her.
“I did. Cassie makes a mean margarita, just like I remember. I didn't see much of you though until later, and I’m afraid at that point I was 3 margaritas deep.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Where'd you disappear to?” she asks.
“Uh, I was on the roof. Just needed some quiet time to think.”
She nods, “Was Logan with you? Cass said she thought she saw him go up there.”
“Yes. He came to bring me my flowers, then we sat and talked for a minute.”
She watches me for a moment. Then says, “Are you alright? Your eyes are puffy like they get when you’ve been crying.”.
I don’t say anything, unsure if I should tell her about our conversation. Sam is still a very sensitive topic, especially with my mom. But, I also tell her everything.
Sitting up, I pull the covers up, and run a hand through my hair.
“I told him about Sam.” I finally say after a minute.
I feel her body tense next to me.
“Oh?” is all she says.
“Yeah. There's something there, mom. With Logan. I can feel it, and without me even saying anything, he mentioned feeling a pull towards me. I had to tell him before he starts feeling something more, and gets hurt.”
She nods her head, understanding.
“You know, honey. Usually if two people are feeling the same, what did you call it? Pull?”
“Mhm.”
“If two people are feeling the same pull, it’s usually for a reason.”
“Ok, well I don't need to know, nor do I want to find out what that reasoning might be. I told him all I can give him is friendship, and he’s ok with that.”
“But are you ok with that?”
I stare at her, a million thoughts running through my head.
I want to say, No, I’m not ok. I want to feel his lips on mine.
But instead, I say, “I have to be.”
Silence stretches between us, and I know she’s waiting for me to confide in her, or add more, or spill my feelings about Logan, but I’m not going to. If I voice how Logan makes me feel, it’s just going to make it harder not to feel.
Finally, she says, “Well, from what I saw, he looks like a nice man.”
“He is a nice man, mom.”
Which is what makes all of this even more difficult.
“Rise and shine bitches!” Cassie yells from the hallway before barging into my room.
Her room.
“We're awake, Cass.” I groan, while covering my ears. Too much loudness this early in the morning.
“Ok well mom has her flight today at 2, and I have to be at the cafe in an hour, so we probably need to get out of bed.” she says.
But before I can say anything, I hear groaning coming from her room.
My mom and I both turn and look at each other, then back at Cassie.
“Cassie, is there a man in your bed?” I ask her.
“Maybe.” she says, and shrugs her shoulders.
“Then why are you in here with us?” my mom says.
“Oh. I can't go anymore. I got maybe an hour of sleep last night, and my downstairs area needs a rest. Plus, like I said, I have to be at work in an hour so we gotta get ready.”
My mom starts laughing, which makes me laugh, and makes Cassie roll her eyes and shut the door.
“20 minutes!” She yells.
And we both take that as our cue to get up and shower.
A hot shower, and clean clothes were all I needed to make me feel like a refreshed human.
Mom’s flight is in roughly 50 minutes, so I order us a taxi, and help her get all of her things together. I feel like she came with so little, but is leaving with a whole extra bag.
Typical.
As I’m shoving her clothes into a suitcase, she walks over to me and sets a hand on mine, stopping me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, concerned now because she looks like a mix between sad and happy.
“I wanted to wait to give you your present until there weren't a bunch of people, but I never got the chance last night, so,” she reaches into her purse, and pulls out a small box that's wrapped in maroon wrapping paper.
“Here.”
I look up at her and smile as I take it from her.
“I've been holding onto this for a while now, but the time has just never been right.”
As I tear the paper, I see a small vintage jewelry box. It has burnt orange velvet all around, and a small golden hook on the front. The box itself is stunning.
“Mom, this box is gorgeous.” I tell her.
She just laughs, “Ok now open it.”
I laugh with her, then slowly undo the hook on the front. I’m so scared I’m going to break it.
As I lift the top, I see a necklace, with an oval locket that has filigree engraved on it.
I pause, and look up at her, “What is this?”
“Open it.” she says, her tone more serious now.
Gently, I pull the locket from the box, setting in on my nightstand.
I hold the locket in my hand, amazed at the details on it, then slowly open it.
There’s a ripped piece of notepaper, with writing I’ll never not recognize.
“Sam's handwriting.” I mumble, more to myself than anyone else.
“Where did you get this?”
“I had him write it for me, before he came home. I said I wanted to make you something with it.”
Charlie Girl
I read it over and over. It’s been so long since I heard him call me that, and my heart longs for it more than I can put into words.
“You’ve had this this whole time?” I ask her, my brows pinching together.
She nods her head, then looks down at the locket.
“I was afraid if I gave it to you too soon, it would trigger you and send you back into the headspace you were in afterwards. I was waiting for the right moment, but then remembered, there will never be a right moment for anything.” she looks back at me, “I knew you needed to see it, so I brought it with me.”
I blink away tears, God I’m so tired of crying.
“Thank you, mom. I absolutely love it.”
I reach it out towards her, “Would you put it on for me?”
“Of course I will.” she says, her eyes glistening.
She hooks the necklace, and I look down at it.
Charlie Girl
God I miss hearing him say that. I miss hearing him say my name in general. I squeeze the necklace in my hand, never wanting to let go of it.
The taxi arrives, and the man helps us load her stuff into the trunk.
We hit some traffic, but make it there with 10 minutes to spare. I walk her as far as I can without getting in trouble, and start to dread the goodbye I know is coming.
I absolutely love when I get to see her, but this is the hardest part.
Both of us are crying before she even turns to hug me.
“Look at us. You would think this is our first time doing this.”
“It might not be our first time but that doesn't make it any easier.” I say, sniffling.
“I’m going to miss you, sweetie.”
“Maybe you should. Look into moving here.” I throw out.
“Maybe I will.” she says as she pulls me in for a hug.
They announce last boarding call over the speakers, and my mom grabs her bags, giving me one last hug.
“It gets easier, sweetie. I know it all feels hard right now, but just hang in there.”
Before I can get too choked up, I let go of her, and hand her her suitcase.
“Thanks, mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetie.”
I take the taxi back home. Not feeling like opening the shop today, and instead order in take out and make myself a burrow on my couch made out of blankets and pillows.
This is where I’ll stay today.
After yesterday, and having to tell my mom goodbye, I do not feel like being social.
I flip through the channels, landing on something I can mainly have as background noise.
Something I don't have to focus too much on.
Yesterday was emotional.
Today was emotional.
My entire life just seems to be a big emotional pit that I can't climb out of.
I pull my phone out, and see there’s a text from Cassie.
Garrett said he had a lot of fun last night, and thanks for having him. Wish we saw more of you though!- Cassie
I set my phone down. I feel kind of bad for secluding myself last night, and in all honesty I didn't plan on all those emotions hitting me, and I didn't plan on telling Logan about Sam. But here we are.
And he was so nice about it all too. Most men get upset when they get friend zoned, but he seemed genuinely ok with it. Like he really is fine with just being my friend.
I mean, I don’t know why I assumed he wanted more, but when I brought it up he didn't deny anything.
I try to focus on the tv, but I just can't quiet my mind. I check the time, and it's only been two hours since mom left, and she still has another two before she lands.
Maybe I should've just gone into the store for a little bit.
I look around my apartment. It just looks sad. There’s no sound, besides my tv and me breathing. It’s kind of depressing.
Right before I turn the tv off, there's a commercial for a pet food subscription.
I pause, remote mid air, and watch the tv.
I’ve never been one to ignore my impulsive decisions, so before I can stop myself I’m throwing tennis shoes on, and heading out the door.
To the animal shelter.
What kind of pet would I even get? Am I a pet person? A dog person? Or a cat person?
Cats pee on everything though, and dogs have to be walked a lot.
Right?
I dont fucking know, but I want someone.
An animal someone, not a person someone.
I wave a taxi down, and give him the address to the animal shelter.
I’ll probably regret this.
We pull up; I hand the man a $20 and step out of the taxi, looking at the shelter.
I can hear dogs barking, and it kind of makes me want to get back in the taxi and go home. But I don’t.
I need this. I’m sad, and I need this.
Walking in, I’m overwhelmed with the smell. It smells like every wet dog in the world has been thrown into this one building.
Ok, so maybe I’m not a dog person.
I’m looking around, trying to get a feel for the place, when a man walks up with a welcoming smile.
“Hi, welcome in. Is there anything I can help you with today?”
I smile back, trying to not look so out of place.
“Um, I think I want a pet?” I say, but it comes out as more of a question than a statement.
“You think? A pet is a very big responsibility, I would make sure you are sure before adopting.” he says, then adds, “Did you have a certain animal in mind?”
I think for a second, and honestly I have no clue. I don't even know if I really want a pet. I just want something.
“I really haven't thought about it. This was kind of an impulsive decision.” I admit, and shrug my shoulders.
He smiles at me, but I can tell he’s judging me on the inside.
“Well, I’d be happy to show you around, and show you our animals that are available if you’d like?”
“That sounds good.” I reply, “Do you only have dogs here? Or are there other animals?”
He laughs, as if that's a dumb question.
See. Judging.
“Yes, we have a big variety of animals. From dogs, to cats, to rabbits and lizards. You’d be surprised what people bring in.”
I cringe at lizard. No thank you.
He leads me through some doors, and the smell intensifies. I just remind myself that the smell is that bad because there are so many.
We walk through a door, and I see a couple rabbits, and something that looks like a hamster but bigger.
I definitely know I don't want anything that has to live in a cage. I want a pet that can sleep in the bed with me.
“Yeah I don’t think rodents are for me. I want something that can sleep in the bed with me.”
He turns and looks at me, and I swear I see his eyes drop to my ring finger. He’s assuming I’m single and lonely and am going to use an animal to fill the void in my empty heart.
Well, he’s right, but he doesn't have to know that.
He nods, then says, “We have cats. If you want to look at those.”
“I don’t think a cat is the right fit. I honestly don't know what I’d want. I guess I just want to look until something stands out?”
“Well, you're welcome to walk through our dog kennels. Those are open for anyone to walk through. Everything else, I’ll have to walk with you.”
I feel like that’s his way of trying to get out of helping me, so I tell him that will work, and he shows me where to go. After he leaves, I enter the dog kennels.
So. Much. Barking.
Am I even allowed to have a dog in my building? I’ll worry about that problem later.
I walk for a minute looking at all the dogs. There are big ones that are probably the size of my apartment, and tiny ones I could carry in a purse.
Coming around the corner, I spot a dog just sitting there, watching through his bars.
As I get closer, his tail starts to wag, so I walk over and let him sniff my hand through the cage.
He’s an odd-looking thing. He has big floppy ears, a short nose, and chocolate colored fur.
He’s kind of cute.
“I see you found Pudding.” A guy says behind me, and I half expect to see the man from earlier, but this is someone different.
“The dog's name is Pudding?” I ask.
He laughs, “Yeah. He was brought in about a week ago. His owner passed away, and his family didn't want to keep him. Sad, really.”
“I know the feeling, guy.” I whisper to the dog, but the man looks at me confused.
I just shake it off, not feeling like explaining that.
“Do you wanna play with him?” he asks.
My eyebrows pinch, confused.
“We have a yard for potential adoptions. So you can take the dog out and see if you're compatible without the cage in the way.”
“Oh. How would I know if I’m compatible with a dog?” I ask him.
He must think I’m joking, because he just laughs, and then grabs a leash.
“Come on, the door is right through there,” he points to a door that looks like it leads outside. “You can go ahead and go out, and I’ll bring him to you. There's treats on that table too, if you want to grab him some.”
Nodding, I walk towards the door. What am I doing?
I grab a handful of dog bone shaped treats, then push the door open and walk to the little bench under a tree.
It takes a minute, but the man finally emerges, with Pudding trailing next to him on a leash.
The poor guy has his tail between his legs, but it's wagging. My heart feels like it might break open.
“Pudding, this is..” the guy says, and it takes a second to realize he’s introducing me to the dog. Is that normal?
“Oh.” I clear my throat, “Charlie. I’m Charlie.”
“Charlie. I love that name.” the man says, and I don't know why but it makes me super uncomfortable.
“Oh thanks.” I say, keeping it short.
Pudding continues to wag his tail that's still tucked between his legs, and gosh it’s pitiful. I sink down to the ground, assuming he doesn't like the height difference between me and him, until I’m sitting at his level in the grass.
“Do you know what kind of dog he is?” I ask as if it matters. He’s a brown dog that's freaking adorable.
Again, what am I doing?
I show Pudding the treats I grabbed, and he perks up some. He slowly walks over to me and takes one out of my hand, then another, until he slowly makes his way into my lap. I groan under his weight but don't dare move him.
“I think that means he likes you.” the man says, smiling at me.
“This is a good sign?” I ask.
He laughs, “Yes, it is. I’ve never seen him climb into anyone's lap before. He must like you.”
I pet Pudding on his head while he chews on a treat.
“Um. I’m not sure what to do now?” I admit.
I didn't think I’d actually find an animal that liked me.
“Just hang out with him for a bit, get to know each other. I’ll come check on you guys in a minute.”
“Oh, ok. I guess I can do that.”
“Ok.” he laughs again, and I don’t understand why this is so amusing for him.
After the door shuts, I look around, unsure what to do. This dog is just sitting in my lap, not moving.
He’s just sitting.
I pet his head, which he seems to like, then scratch behind his ears.
“I’m assuming you like that, since you're still sitting here.” I say, talking to the dog.
I’m talking to a dog. Is that normal? Probably not.
Finally, he gets up and lays on the ground in front of me. I rub his back, his tail wagging slightly, and we just sit like that for a minute.
“You know, I’ve never liked dogs, but you're kind of okay.” I tell him. His tail wags more and I swear, he smiles at me.
I ramble to the dog for what feels like 20 minutes, then the guy comes back.
“Well? How's it going out here?”
“I think I like him? He’s a good listener.”
His eyebrows pinch in confusion, but he just laughs it off.
“Are you wanting to adopt him?”
I pause, looking at Pudding. Surprisingly, I think I do. Sitting here with him has been almost just as relaxing as a therapy session, just cheaper. I think.
I know I’m probably wrong about that, but I’ll worry about it later.
I nod my head, and smile up at him.
After filling out a few pieces of paper, the man smiles at me and says, “Congratulations. You are now a dog mom.'' I cringe at the term, but smile a genuine smile at the guy.
“Do you need a leash or anything for him?”
“Yes, please. I’m very unprepared.” I laugh to myself, realizing just how unprepared I actually am. I’ll have to stop and buy some things on our way home.
He disappears through a door, and comes out with a leash and a piece of paper.
“Here, a list of some basic things you can buy for him. I have a feeling you’ll need it.”
I take the paper from his hand, “Thank you, this is a life saver.”
He smiles, then he tells me to have a good day.
And I walk out of there with Pudding trailing behind me, his tail wagging in the air, and I swear he’s smiling.