Chapter 49 It Was All There for Me to See
IT WAS ALL THERE FOR ME TO SEE
We said nothing as we drove back to my mother’s. Thankfully, she wasn’t home. She left a note on the door. She was at some ladies’ night learning how to upcycle old T-shirts into scarves. At least it wasn’t more tea.
“Ev, say something,” Tristan said, following me into the kitchen.
I hoped the bottle of vodka was still in the cupboard above the sink. My thoughts swung from anger to sadness to thoughts of murder. I pulled the old bottle of cheap vodka down.
“Give that to me.” Tristan took it out of my hand. “This is not yours to fix.”
“Really? My best fucking friend from high school, the girl who when I wasn’t with you, I spent all my time with. The girl you had to see every fucking day because she was my friend. The girl who accused you of a very serious crime. And this is not mine to fix?” I shouted at him.
“No!” he shouted back. “It’s done and over.”
“No, it’s not. Why didn’t you tell me?” I threw open the fridge. There were four cans of Miller Lite on the top shelf. I grabbed one.
“Would you stop with the booze? Christ, I would think you would know how unhealthy that is.” He took the can and stood in front of the fridge.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Tristan threw up his hands. “What would it have changed? God, you were fifteen. Were you going to take on the town? The police? What would you have done?”
“Something. Anything.” I threw my hands up and let out a strangled laugh at how stupid this was. My childhood best friend had accused the boy I love of sexually assaulting her.
“Like what? It went away; it didn’t matter. Unless you don’t believe me?”
“Fuck off. Of course I believe you.” I leaned against the counter. The kitchen was dark except for the streetlight in the backyard. Anna had called me that night asking if Tristan was around. I told her he had to work. “Did she come on to you?”
He looked away, kicking the leg of the chair.
“Of course she did.” I replayed that night, trying to find the pieces I had missed. Tristan had shown up high, with a busted lip and bruised knuckles. I had never seen him that high. His hands shook, and he told me he was sorry. We had just fallen asleep when the cops showed up. “What did she do?”
“Ev.”
“Damn it, Tristan, tell me!” I yelled. I had to know the damage Anna had done to him.
“Fine. She and Chelsea came out to Shannon’s looking for blow.
” He ran his hands through his hair before giving me that smile.
The sharp one that sometimes cut me. “I was high as a fucking kite. She followed me to the bathroom and got on her knees and said she would do the things you wouldn’t.
I was high; I couldn’t think. I don’t know if I told her no.
I… fuck, Ev, don’t make me do this,” Tristan pled.
I hated her. I knew how he was after… after what James would do to him. God, I hated this town. I wanted to burn it down. “Did she touch you?”
“I don’t remember much. Shannon came in and told her to get the fuck out of there.”
I didn’t believe him. He remembered enough, but what would it prove? Anna had been another person to leave their mark on him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why didn’t I tell you some girl…?” He blew out his breath and looked up at the ceiling. “I wanted it to go away.”
I remembered the part of that night that had scared me the most. And it wasn’t the cops.
It was Tristan. I had gone to get him something to eat, and when I came back, he was in the shower, fully clothed.
Shaking. He pulled me in and asked me to stay with him.
Not to leave. I thought it was the drugs.
“I let her talk me out of calling you that year. I let you go but kept her. It would have changed everything,” I swore.
We stood there in silence.
“No it wouldn’t have. I used to wish you would leave me. I thought if you did, then I could, uh…” He knocked his knuckles on the wall.
“Let James win?” I blinked back the tears. I knew what he was going to say. He could stop fighting. End it all. And some nights when I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to run away. Run away from Tristan, from Noah. From my dead father. From it all.
“Yes!” He snapped. “That night with the girl, I told Anna to bring you. I thought that would be it. You’d finally have enough, and it could stop.
All of it. I wanted to hurt you. But I fucked that up too.
I always fucked everything up. Just like my father.
” Tristan pressed the heel of his hand into his eye.
I swallowed his words, letting them sink into my bones. “Is that why it always feels like you’re pushing me away?”
“Maybe. You and Noah are the only people that have kept me together. And that’s fucked up.
I shouldn’t need you like that. It’s not fair to you or him.
And every time I push you away, I tell myself it’s for the best. And then I sink into this deep fucking hole that I can’t crawl out of.
So I fill my life with things. Loud things.
Things that take up too much space so I wouldn’t have to deal with all the shit.
All of the abuse.” He looked out the patio door.
“At least that’s what they told me in rehab.
But I didn’t need a professional to tell me that.
To tell me how fucked up I am. And that you should stay far away from me. ”
I stepped over to him and ran my hands up his chest. “Have you ever thought it’s the same for me?
For Noah? That when you leave, you leave a huge hole in our lives that nothing can fill.
I don’t want to do this without you, Tristan.
And I know that’s fucked up because I am a professional.
But that’s love. It’s messy. It’s good, and it’s bad.
But we need it. And I’ve tried filling my life with things too, but they don’t replace you.
You’re irreplaceable to me. To Noah and Craig. We need you as much as you need us.”
Tristan pulled me into his embrace. I rested my head on his chest. He ran the palm of his hand over my arms and kissed the top of my head.
“I’ll just let you down. Like my father.
And I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know how to be a better person.
I love you so much and I hate hurting you.
Noah and Craig. I know I need to get better.
And you can’t help me with that. No one can. ”
I lifted my head and looked up at him. I could see it now.
The rounded edges. The ways he was different.
I loved him at his lowest, and I would love him at any level in between.
But my love couldn’t make him be okay with the man that he saw each day in the mirror.
The man he had to live with in the quiet moments.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait. But fix yourself for you.
Because I will love you no matter what.”
“I know, and I want to be worthy of that love.”
“You are.” That was Laura’s fault that Tristan didn’t see his value to the world around him. And it didn’t matter how many times I told him. He needed to be okay with the man he saw in the mirror.
I knew what was next. Fate was going to test us again.