29. Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Eighteen years ago
“You should come to the party anyway,” Wendell says, his voice crackling over the phone.
I clench the phone tightly in my hands, shaking my head in frustration. “She’s already mad at me. I can’t go to the party, too.”
His sigh is loud in my ear. “This is our last year of high school, Alden. We’re leaving for college next month. Are you really telling me that Evelyn is the one for you? That you’re going to keep seeing her when you leave for Philadelphia and she’s still here in New York?”
Wendell has a point, but I haven’t considered any other option. I love Evelyn, even though it’s not always easy. I can’t imagine not having her in my life.
“That’s the plan.”
Wendell sighs again. “Why is she mad at you this time?”
When is she ever not mad at me about something? I want to say, but I hold back.
“She’s upset because I didn’t tell her you were staying over this weekend.” There’s silence for a moment, and I think I’ve lost him. “Wendell? Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m just processing what you said.” He pauses, inhaling deeply. “Let me get this straight. She’s mad because you didn’t tell her that your friend is staying over at your house?”
“Yes,” I mumble my confirmation.
“That doesn’t even make any sense. Why would she be mad?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “But I’m seeing her later. I’m going to try to smooth things out.”
“All right,” he says, but his tone suggests there’s something he isn’t saying. “I’ll see you when I get there tonight.”
“I’ll see you then.”
There’s a knock on my bedroom door as I hang up the phone. I answer it without thinking.
“Evelyn.” I’m surprised to see her. “I thought we were going to meet up later. Why are you here?”
She frowns. God, why did I say that?
“You’re not happy to see me?” she asks, crossing her arms.
“No, I-I am. I just didn’t expect to see you until later.”
She shrugs. “Well, I’m here now. Aren’t you going to let your girlfriend in?”
I snap into action, pulling my bedroom door open for her to come in. She does, inspecting the room as if she hasn’t been here a hundred times before. It’s like she’s looking for something.
“Who were you just talking to?”
How long was she at the door?
“Wendell.”
She hums, not satisfied with my answer. “He’s still staying over this weekend?”
I nod. “Yes. He just needs a break from his family for a weekend.”
Her lips thin. “So, I’m not going to see you at all this weekend? Is that what you’re telling me?”
I grab her hand. “You’re seeing me right now. And besides, we see each other every day at school and every weekend, Lynnie. I never see my friends anymore.”
She rips her hand away. “How is that my fault?”
“I didn’t say it was.”
“It sure sounded like it to me.”
I tug at my hair. “I don’t want to fight, Lynnie. I really don’t. That’s all we do, and I’m getting tired of it.”
Her hurt expression stabs at my heart. This is getting out of hand.
“You mean you’re getting tired of me?”
“No, no, that’s—That came out wrong. I just don’t want to fight.”
She throws her body into my arms, knocking me back. She’s shaking, and her tears spill onto my shirt.
“Lynnie, please don’t cry. I didn’t mean it, I swear.”
Her shuddering body and her small whimpers make my heart squeeze.
“You’re… you’re all I have, Alden. I’m sorry if it seems like too much, but I need you. I need you…” she sobs.
I rub her back, feeling terrible that I made her cry.
“I’m sorry,” I kiss her hair. “I’m sorry…”
She pulls back, her cheeks rosy and stained with tears. I wipe them away and place a kiss on her cheek.
“Don’t leave me alone, please.”
“I won’t, I won’t,” I reassure her.
She wipes her eyes, straightening her posture.
“So you’ll tell Wendell he can’t stay over anymore?”
Why won’t she let this go?
“Evelyn, I can’t do that. He’s already on his way.”
“For me? Please.”
I find my backbone. “No.”
“No?” She reels back.
My face drops. That was the wrong thing to say.
“I mean, I can’t do that. I’ll spend whatever free time I’m not with Wendell with you, but I can’t uninvite him at the last minute.”
Her whole demeanour changes. “Fine, it’s fine. Forget I mentioned it.”
She heads for my bedroom door.
“Are you mad?”
She turns back to me, her hand on the knob. She smiles, but there’s something in her expression that doesn’t make me believe she’s genuine.
“No, not at all.”
With that, she leaves.
I shouldn’t be here. Sheldon’s party is the last place I should be tonight, but Wendell dragged me along. He told me it was our last real high school party. At the time, I thought it was a good idea, but now, I’m not so sure. Lynnie will kill me if she finds out I went to a party without her.
“Loosen up, will you? You look like you’re on your deathbed,” Wendell shouts over the music.
Sheldon’s parents are gone for the weekend, and like any reasonable seventeen-year-old, he threw a rager. His living room is crawling with underaged teens and their solo cups filled with beer. I don’t normally drink, but since I’m here, I might as well indulge.
“I will when Lynnie finds out.”
From beside me, Braxton snorts.
“You make it sound like she’ll gut you,” he says.
I look at him. “She just worries about me too much. That’s all.”
“You don’t know how great you have it, Alden. She’s amazing, and you’re an idiot if you don’t realize how lucky you are to have her.”
Braxton has guzzled down about three solo cups full of beer, and his crush on my girlfriend hasn’t been as apparent as it is now.
“Cool it, Braxton.” Wendell jumps in. “It’s like you’re obsessed with her or something.”
I stay quiet but look at Braxton, wondering how he’ll respond to Wendell’s accusation.
He looks mortified, his eyes bouncing between us. “I’m not. I’m just saying you could treat her better.”
He doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know how our relationship really is—no one does.
“I can’t keep talking about this. I’m going to get another one.”
“Get me one too!” Wendell calls.
I give him a thumbs-up and walk toward the keg. Sheldon hands me two cups, and I move them under the tube he’s holding. He unkinks it and fills them both with foamy beer. I give him a nod and head back to my friends.
When I approach them, my pocket buzzes. I hand both cups to Wendell and pull out my phone.
“It’s Lynnie,” I tell them. “I need to answer this. I’ll be right back.”
I get outside in record time, answering the phone when I’m far enough away from the commotion of the party.
“Hey. What’s up?”
Her end is silent.
“Lynnie?”
My stomach drops. Something isn’t right. I try again, and this time I hear her.
“Where are you?” she asks.
“I’m—I’m just out with Wendell. We’re getting something to eat.”
“You’re a fucking liar, Alden!” she screams. “I know you’re at Sheldon’s party. Tiffany sent me a photo.”
Her words are slurred, and I know she’s been drinking. Goose bumps run up the length of my arms when I think back to how she was the last time she drank. She promised me she would stop; she promised she’d get help if she needed to rely on alcohol that much. Shit, shit, shit. I’m starting to panic. I can feel it creeping up my throat.
“Lynnie?” I attempt. “Are you drunk?”
The line goes deathly quiet. “I’m not answering that.”
But I have my answer.
“You told me you wouldn’t touch another drop of alcohol. Why are you drinking?”
“Because I have you as a boyfriend! A pathetic coward who lies to me!”
My body shakes. The last time this happened… it didn’t end well. Lynnie cut her wrist with a razor, telling me that she would kill herself if I left her to go to a family dinner. I was helpless as I watched the blood drip down her arm, landing on the clean, white-tiled floor of the bathroom she locked us both in.
I ended up pacifying her, telling her I wouldn’t leave. She had been drinking heavily leading up to the fight. That’s why she did it. Because she was upset and drinking. She made me a promise that she wouldn’t drink anymore, so I made her swear it.
Nobody knows what happened that day; I didn’t have the strength to confide in anyone. I stayed with Evelyn that whole weekend to make sure nothing like that would come close to happening again. I didn’t leave like I wanted to then. She was having a bad day. She was upset. I was making it worse. I always make it worse. Something inside me snaps as I recall that night.
I’ve been letting her control every facet of my life to an unhealthy degree. She gets angry about everything I do, regardless of what it is. Nothing I do is right in her eyes. She freaks out or takes it out on me. I thought it was normal, this behaviour, but now that it’s happening again, I know it isn’t. This isn’t supposed to happen with someone you love. They aren’t supposed to cause you pain.
“Lynnie… where are you? I’ll come to you.”
She starts to cry, the sounds amplified over the phone.
“You left me, even when I begged you not to. You left,” she says, her words slurred.
“I didn’t leave you. I’m just out with my friends.”
Maybe it’s the beer talking, but I feel like I’m at my limit. With Evelyn, with our relationship, with everything.
“Right… Next, it’ll be with some other girl. I just know it.”
I have never given her any reason to not trust me. I’ve never cheated on her. She’s trying to come up with an excuse to justify her reaction. But it’s clear to me now. She’s just trying to keep her control.
“I’m not listening to this anymore.”
I almost hang up the phone before she says the thing that makes me freeze.
“Would you even care if I died?”
How can she ask me that? Of course, I’d care. I’d fucking die with her if she did. A bottle sloshes in the background, and I get angry with myself all over again. Angry for staying in this situation. She tries to keep me on a short leash, using this tactic when I start to tug away too much. I’ve just never noticed the pattern until now.
“Don’t joke like that,” I whisper. “Don’t fucking do that.”
“Do I sound like I’m joking?”
Her voice is scarily steady, and I don’t know what to think anymore. She laughs, and I can’t take it, hearing that melody when she just threatened to kill herself if I left her.
“Stop playing around, Lynnie. You’re my whole world, of course, I’d care. I’d be devastated.”
“I’m not playing around, Alden. I’ll do it.” There’s no lightness in her tone. She isn’t joking. I feel like I’m going to be sick. Then, she says, “I want to see you.”
I scoff. “You want to see me? Your pathetic coward of a boyfriend?”
She sighs. “I’m sorry I said that. I don’t know why I did; I was just really upset.”
I shake my head. She can’t have it both ways. She can’t say she loves me and then prove the opposite.
“That’s what you said last time. And the time before that.”
“I know I haven’t been good to you, but I love you, Alden.” Her voice breaks.
She begins to cry again, but this time, I have no sympathy for her.
“No, you don’t. You don’t love me, Lynnie, I see it now. You love controlling me, and when I don’t live up to your standards, you lash out. Y-you abuse me and think I’ll somehow ignore it, that I’ll still love you when you’re hurting me.” I take a shaky breath. “This isn’t love. What happened a month ago isn’t love.”
“I told you I was sorry about that. You moved when I told you not to.”
Her reminder makes the fresh wound sting, like she’s burning the cigarette into my hip bone all over again. Is she seriously blaming me for that?
“Your apologies don’t mean much to me right now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow when you’re sober.”
Her tone switches immediately, and I hear her breathing quicken.
“If you leave me now, Alden, you’ll regret it, I promise.”
I count to three, knowing that if I say the first thing that comes to mind, I’ll be giving her the ammunition she’s looking for.
One.
Two.
Three.
But it slips out.
“Then do it. If I’m going to regret it anyway, then do it. Because I’m getting tired of your empty threats, Lynnie.” And with that, I hang up.
Monroe stares blankly at me, and I understand. I just unloaded my best-kept secret onto her, the reason I don’t do relationships, the reason I haven’t let myself fully love someone else in nearly two decades. I’m scarred, and she’s seeing the massive, red gashes clearly now.
“What happened after you hung up?”
I try to find the words, the courage to keep telling her about the worst night of my life.
“I didn’t think she’d do anything. I didn’t… I didn’t think. Period.” My heartbeat is in my ears, and Monroe’s eyes widen. “I got a call a few hours later. From Braxton. Evelyn called him before… before she did it.”
“She called Braxton? Why?”
I can feel myself starting to break down inside. “Turns out she had a very close friendship with him.”
“She was cheating on you?”
“Not physically, no. But, in Braxton’s eyes, I wasn’t good enough for her, so he wanted to be there for her. He doesn’t know anything about how our relationship really was. None of my friends back then did. Wendell suspected, and I only confirmed it years later.”
“Alden, I didn’t think…” Monroe shakes her head. “That day when you came over and I made that comment, I didn’t know you went through something like that. I had no idea.”
“I know. How could you have?” I decide I don’t want to dwell on this anymore. “Does this change the way you see me?” My voice is hushed.
Street lights flicker into the car behind Monroe’s head, and I remember the rest of the world is still outside waiting for us.
Monroe looks confused. “Why would it?”
I’m the one who is shocked now. “Because it’s my fault what happened that night. Don’t you see it? It was my fault. She told me what would happen if I hung up on her, and I did it anyway, knowing she might actually do it.”
“She had deeper issues than you knew of. You couldn’t have known it would happen.” Monroe takes a shaky breath. “All the placating in the world wouldn’t have helped her if her mind was made up.”
“But I didn’t help things.”
Monroe slides across the seat. She swings a leg over me and sits on my lap, straddling me. She places her hands on my cheeks and looks into my eyes.
“It wasn’t your fault, Alden. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault.”
For some reason, hearing her tell me that, even when I’ve told myself the same thing a million times over the years, soothes that eternal ache inside me.
I nod but look away. Monroe grips my chin and forces me to look at her.
“You’re more than that night. You’re more than the hurt she caused you. You’re more than your pain. So much more.”
I’ve carried the guilt of that night with me for so long that I never knew whether I deserved to move on. Guilt mixed with regret and grief. They were a huge mass resting on my heart, dragging me down. But it’s like that mass has shrunk over time, maybe because it’s been decades since, or maybe because of Monroe making me see that I am more than those wounds.
“So are you,” I say. Monroe shifts, and I can tell she’s getting self-conscious. “I’ve seen you punish yourself over other people’s inability to see your worth, Monroe, and it kills me. But I see it. I know just how remarkable you are. You need to know that you’ll never have to prove that to me. You might not see it yet, but I’ll show you in every way that matters. Until you do.”
Her spine is ramrod straight. She’s still doubting me.
“Why can’t you believe me when I say that?” I ask.
“I want to believe you, I do, but…”
“But what?”
“It’s stupid.” She waves a hand, dismissing herself again.
I grab that hand and slowly kiss each knuckle individually.
“Not to me. Not when it concerns you. Tell me what’s holding you back from me—from us. Please.”
She hesitates, biting her lower lip. I don’t think she means to, but it drives me crazy. I doubt there will ever be a time that it won’t.
“Do you remember the first time you came to the resort?”
How could I forget? I was just as addicted to her back then. I just didn’t know how much.
“Of course,” I say.
“Well, I thought we hit it off that day. We talked all afternoon at the bar. It was the most I’d ever hit it off with anyone…” She has a small smile, but she diverts her eyes. “And then I went to go find you, to ask you if you wanted to grab dinner.”
She’s stalling, and I move her from my lap to my thigh. “What is it, Monroe?”
Her eyes are heavy, like this is something that’s been weighing on her.
“I heard you talking to someone about me. And you said… you said I was trash, that you were just distracting yourself with me.” Her breathing quickens. “You said more, but I left before I could hear the rest. I’d already heard enough.”
I’m sure she can see the horrified look on my face. “I never thought you heard that, Monroe.”
“From that day on, I knew all of you rich people were the same.”
It all clicks into place.
“That’s why you started acting so cold toward me? I didn’t know why the sudden change, but it all makes sense now.”
Her eyebrows lift. “You’re not denying you said those things?”
My eyes meet hers, and I see how hurt she is. “I said them, but not because I meant them.”
She becomes motionless in my arms. “I don’t understand, I heard you.”
Her green eyes are blown wide, waiting for me to explain.
“I wasn’t the only one who was totally enchanted by you that day.”
“What?”
She doesn’t remember? I smile.
“Monroe, you’re a goddamn wonder of a woman. How can you not see that?” Even in the darkness of the backseat, I can see her blush at my statement. “There was someone else vying for your attention. An associate of mine.” I can feel myself getting heated just thinking about him and that day.
“I don’t remember that.”
My smile grows. “Happy to know I made such an impression on you that other men don’t even cross your mind.”
She smacks my chest. “Tell me the rest of the story.”
“We didn’t work closely together, but I knew him in passing. He had this idea in his head that you were into him when, in reality, you kept brushing him off. He wasn’t the brightest tool. He started getting loud about you. About the things he would do to you.”
Stunned, Monroe shakes her head. “Why don’t I remember that?”
“While you were busy serving someone else, I had a talk with him. I discouraged him from pursuing you so that I could. It was also to spare you from having to reject him. He didn’t seem like the type who handled rejection from a beautiful woman well.”
Monroe is speechless.
“So, all this time you—You’ve liked me?”
“There has to be a better word than that, but yes. I’ve always liked you, Monroe. Even when we fought, I don’t think there was ever a time that I truly hated you.”
She looks away from me, and I can see her mind whirling. I grab her chin and angle her face to see it better.
“What’s going through your mind right now?”
“I’m thinking that we wasted so much time.”
My heartbeats grow louder and more intense. “I don’t think we did.”
Her brows scrunch adorably. “You don’t?”
“No, because it’s part of our story. The highs and lows make this moment so much sweeter.”
“I never pegged you as the romantic type.” Monroe snickers and wraps her arms around my neck.
I kiss her cheek. “It just comes out when I’m around you. I can’t help it.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “All right, don’t start getting mushy on me.” But the dark doesn’t conceal the radiant smile she has on.
“I’m not making promises I know I can’t keep,” I murmur and lay her head on my chest.
Monroe’s eyes flutter close, and her ear presses over my heart. I know she can hear how hard it’s beating. Because of her. For her.
“Can I take you home?” My hand strokes her back.
“No.”
I crane my neck to get a better look at her face. “No?”
“Mm-mm.” She shakes her head. “I want to stay with you tonight.”
Out of all the words she could have said, those were the ones I hoped for the most.