Chapter 30
GRAESON
Graeson jerked upright, his fists digging into his mattress as his breaths became ragged, pouring out of his chest in a rush. His blood pumped through his veins, an icy fury rising within him as the need to find Kalisandre overtook him.
A rod fell over his chest, pressing against him.
He blinked and looked down, following the wooden cane to the side of his bed where Cetia sat, her face even and near-white eyes downcast.
Her straight, raven-black hair fell down her back in billowing tendrils. She wore a simple moss-green dress and a black lace shawl that hung loosely over her shoulders.
"She is fine," the queen said, pressing the wooden cane more firmly against Graeson's sternum, her expression still calm.
Graeson's features twisted, confusion rushing over him as he tried to get his bearings. "I didn't say--"
She lifted a shoulder in a shrug, then dropped it. "You speak in your sleep."
With a narrowed gaze, Graeson pushed the cane away from him.
"Let her rest."
"I need to see her," Graeson argued, throwing the blankets off him.
The queen poked him in the ribcage.
"Ow," Graeson grunted, swatting the cane away. "What was that for?"
"For not listening," Cetia hissed, setting her cane in front of her. Folding her hands on the large emerald globe atop the twisted cane, the queen leaned against it, her long, wrinkled fingers curving around the stone.
"You are not my queen," Graeson grumbled. "I do not need to listen to you."
Cetia arched a brow. "From what I have gathered, you do not listen to your queen, either."
Graeson grunted, and the god within roared.
We do not bow down to rulers who wear makeshift crowns.
Graeson bit down on his tongue, refusing to speak the god's words aloud in the queen's presence. Despite agreeing with the beast within, Graeson did not wish to insult the queen in her own home.
At least not more than he already had.
"I need--" Graeson began, but Cetia cut him off with a quick bop of her cane against his head.
"No, what you need is to face your own problems before you can even think about helping her." She gave him a pointed look.
"I do not have any problems," Graeson argued, rubbing his temple where the emerald bruised his skull.
"Tell me about your father then."
Graeson grew silent.
The queen sniffed. "Ah, see. Silence often speaks louder than words if you dare to listen. And your silence speaks volumes."
Graeson rubbed a hand across his face, and the gold rings he wore were cold on his skin. He sighed.
The chair Cetia sat in creaked as she stood. "I will not force you to speak to me. Ellie told me who your father is, though it comes as no surprise to me. Although you may be similar in many ways, you are not Barinthian. Nor must you be. We are often granted things when we are born that we would have never sought out for ourselves otherwise. Therefore, while you can fight the power that you were born with all you want, you will have to face it sooner or later." She shifted her weight on the cane.
Graeson glared down at the bed, his fingers curling into the sheets. "I have faced it."
Cetia shook her head as she released a heavy, tired sigh. "No, child, you have not. You have only pushed it away. That is not the same. How do you expect to help Kalisandre if you cannot even face your own demons?"
Cetia did not give Graeson a chance to answer before she took her leave.
Then Graeson was left alone in his room, the monster within him stirring.
When Graeson could not return to sleep a few days later, he found himself wandering the halls. He hadn't known where he was going until he arrived outside the infirmary.
He gripped the wooden door frame, his fingers curling around the pine. It was nearing midnight, and the healers had since disappeared to their rooms further down the hall, leaving only a guard to watch over the lone patient who lay motionless on the thin mattress.
When Graeson had stopped at the room, the guard had immediately raised a brow at him, her fingers twitching at her side near her sheathed sword. But Graeson had never made it past the threshold, his feet remaining in the hall as if an invisible block prevented him from stepping any closer.
After several moments, the guard eventually realized Graeson wasn't an immediate threat and relaxed...marginally so.
Night swept over the room, but the moon's glow shone directly on Kalisandre, as if a beacon on her slumbering form.
He pressed his palm against the wall, anchoring him to the spot as something stirred within him.
Terin's voice broke through the silence soaking the hall. "You still haven't gone to see her."
Graeson steeled his expression, wiping the tension from his forehead as much as possible before shifting away from the infirmary's entrance and facing Terin.
Graeson folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall beside the door. "I am here, aren't I?"
"But are you going to go inside?" Terin asked.
"She needs time to rest." He shrugged, feigning nonchalance when he felt anything but.
Terin peered into the infirmary, his fingers tapping along the doorframe. With a sigh, he shook his head. "All she does is rest."
Graeson's fingers dug into his biceps. "Her mind isn't--"
"Gray," Terin interrupted, tilting his head toward the infirmary. "Go see her."
"Has she asked for me?" Graeson asked, arching a brow.
Terin hesitated. "No, but--"
"But nothing," Graeson said, shaking his head. "I promised that I would set her mind free and let her live her life."
"Is that what you are doing then?"
"Yes."
"Not sulking?" Terin pressed, arching a brow.
The muscles in Graeson's jaw went taut. "I am not sulking."
"If you say so, pal." Terin patted Graeson on the shoulder, which Graeson immediately shrugged off. Terin released a heavy sigh as he brushed his chestnut brown waves back. "I'm sorry, Gray."
Graeson snorted and pushed himself off the wall. He started walking down the corridor, but he didn't make it more than a few steps before Terin was tugging his arm, calling him to a stop.
"Graeson, wait."
He spun. "Is that an order, my prince ?"
Terin's lips parted, his features contorting. "Gray, what--"
But Graeson didn't let Terin finish as his anger propelled him forward. "That's what led you to believe that you didn't need to inform me of your plan to betray Kalisandre and destroy her mind, right?"
The muscles in Terin's jaw flexed, his gaze hardening. "Watch yourself, Gray."
"Or what? Will you name me a traitor?" Graeson took a step closer, the toes of his boots nearly touching Terin's. "You forget who I am."
Terin huffed, rolling his eyes. "I do not forget who you are, Graeson. It is because of who you are and what she means to you that we did not include you in this decision."
"Is that so?"
"Yes!" Terin shouted. But as if recalling the time of night, he straightened, brushing a hand over his face and wiping the slip of anger from his expression. When he spoke next, his voice was calmer, quieter. "You are stubborn, Graeson. And that stubbornness can blind you. If we had spoken to you about letting Cetia and Ellie look at Kallie's mind, you would have said no and done anything you could to prevent it."
"Of course I would have prevented it! As you should have. She's your sister!"
"As you keep reminding me," Terin mumbled.
Graeson stared at him. "Do you not care for her safety?"
"It is not only her safety that I must look after," Terin argued.
Graeson huffed and flicked his hand in the air. "Oh, right. Because now that you are heir, her safety does not matter when it comes to the kingdom." He shoved Terin in the chest. "You are just like Esmeray."
Terin pushed his hand. "You're not listening, Graeson."
"No, you're not. What if it hadn't worked?"
He spun in a circle, his anger and frustration compiling on top of one another without anywhere to go. Graeson pressed his hands against his temples before flinging them out wide. "Fuck! What if it didn't? She hasn't even spoken yet!"
Terin grabbed Graeson by the shoulders, forcing him to a stop. Graeson snarled, his nose twitching, but Terin only gripped Graeson's shoulders tighter, not painfully but with enough tension to coax Graeson to meet his gaze.
For a moment, Terin didn't say anything as his dark brown eyes bore into Graeson. Then, Terin shook him gently. "She has been through a lot. I only saw a sliver of her memories, but the things Domitius did to her..." Terin shook his head, his words trailing off. "She will get better, Gray. She only needs time."
"You do not know that." Gods, none of them did.
Terin offered him a sad smile. "My sister is many things, but she is not a quitter."
Graeson scoffed, but he knew Terin was right. Even as a child, Kalisandre was too stubborn to quit.
Sensing Graeson's shift in emotions, Terin pressed his forehead against Graeson's before pulling away. "I am sorry for keeping our intentions from you," he said softly.
Graeson exhaled a heavy sigh, forcing his shoulders to relax. He shook his head. "No, you are not."
Terin chuckled. "You're right. I'm not, but her state is not your burden to bear."
Graeson shifted further away. "Neither is it yours."
Terin shrugged. "These days, I have many burdens I must carry. What's another?"
Graeson took a step back to observe Terin. "Are you at least sleeping?"
He lifted a shoulder. "A little. The healers gave me a supplement to take to help."
"Have you taken it?"
"Once."
Graeson snorted. "Seems like it. The bags beneath your eyes are only slightly purple now."
"Was that a joke, Gray?"
Graeson rolled his eyes.
"What?" Terin asked, shoving Graeson lightly. "You've been so uptight since we got Kallie from Frenzia that it's nice to see you normal for a change."
"I am anything but normal," Graeson countered.
"Perhaps, but I mean it all the same." Terin shifted on his feet, his gaze flicking quickly to the infirmary down the hall. "Look--"
"Terin, don't. Not right now."
But the prince only crossed his arms and arched a brow.
Graeson sighed and moved to the wall, pressing his head against it.
Terin turned to him. "You have traveled the seven kingdoms. You have stormed through fire after fire for her. Whether or not she accepts the soul bond, you were friends once, were you not?"
Graeson rubbed a hand across his face. "That hardly counts. We were both no more than children."
"She looked up to you when we were children, when Fynn and I wanted little to do with our annoying little sister. But you were always there, helping her up. You don't have to be more than that now. You can be her friend ."
Graeson arched a brow. "And if she doesn't want me to be her friend?"
Terin sighed, fatigue bringing down the corners of his mouth. "Now more than ever, she needs to be surrounded by people who care about her."
He tilted his head as he looked at Graeson, a flurry of emotions that passed too quickly for Graeson to parse.
"And perhaps you do, too," the prince added. "Because whatever is going on in your head, you need to talk to someone about it if you won't talk to Dani or me."
"Have you tried talking to Dani?" Graeson snapped.
While he hadn't seen her yet, he did not doubt that Dani was beyond pissed about Terin hiding his ability to speak to Fynn from her.
Terin narrowed his eyes at Graeson. "I see what you are trying to do, but changing the subject only hurts you in the end." When Graeson only stared blankly at him in response, Terin dug his fingers into his hair, pulling at the end of the strands. "I have tried, but she only wishes to yell right now. I cannot talk sense into her."
"Do you need to? Perhaps giving in to her request is what she needs the most right now."
"I do not know if that is true. She needs to move forward, not backward."
Graeson snorted. "Are you that daft, Terin? Fynn was her soul bond, but even more than that, she bears his child."
Terin's eyes widened, his face paling. "Has she...has she confirmed this?"
Graeson offered him a sad smile.
"Fuck," Terin whispered, the dire syllable ringing through the hall.
Graeson stepped forward and squeezed Terin's shoulder comfortingly before the prince walked away.
Once Terin's footsteps faded, Graeson looked down the hall. He could picture Kalisandre lying on the hard mattress almost perfectly. Her chestnut waves a mess and spread across her pillows. Her skin was pale, and her cheeks hollow.
Terin was right, of course. Kalisandre needed support right now.
But every time Graeson looked at her, he only saw his failure to protect her, time and time again.
While he knew Ellie and the queen had only acted in Kalisandre's best interest, Graeson had felt the world shift as they ripped apart her mind. He could only imagine the torment Kalisandre had experienced.
Still, he couldn't get himself to enter the room. Not now.
She needed time to heal. She didn't need him hovering over her and making things worse. And right now, that's what Graeson would do. Because as he felt the fragile invisible thread stretching from him to her, Graeson was barely holding himself together.
His bones vibrated beneath his flesh, his muscles strained, and his vision blurred.
Now, more than ever, he needed to keep a hold of himself and keep the beast contained. Because if he listened to the voice in his head for even a second, there was no going back.
Graeson, however, didn't know how much longer he could keep fighting himself.