Chapter 26
Rafe
The average male has about five litres of blood in their body.
I just held five litres of blood solely in my cock.
It was painful. But it was the right thing to do, taking charge and making the decision for Lina and me.
The lust in her eyes mirrored my own, but I could see the battle raging in her mind, consuming her ability to think clearly.
She’s highly vulnerable right now, and while I can sense she’s craving escape, even she knows escape is just an illusion. She might be able to run away, but the problems will remain, haunting you until you confront them. I, of all people, know.
She’s tangled in guilt, conditioning and uncertain about her own worth. If we’d slept together, or had an intimate moment, I risk it being one of her coping mechanisms, rather than a conscious, mutual act of love.
Lust, I mean; always at a point of boiling whenever she’s nearby.
But it also felt like possible rebellion.
I had to reset us back to normal, even though everything inside screamed at me to follow through the moment with her knowing it would lead us somewhere so damn beautiful.
I need her to see I’m a patient man who respects and cares for her.
Someone she’s safe with.
Someone who she can be her whole, unapologetic self with.
If I’d let her follow through, a part of her might have felt ashamed, or regretful—not something I want her to feel. She needs to reclaim some personal power first and decide for herself what role I get to play in her life.
After shovelling down some much-needed food, I now notice Lina shifts hers around her plate.
And I know why.
“I’ve seen you eat, Lina.”
Her head snaps up, eyes wary, a faint blush staining her cheeks.
“When I’d watch you from my window. Didn’t understand then, but it makes sense now. I don’t care if you use a finger to push it back, I need you to eat. I need you healthy. Please.”
Her lips part, a shallow breath slips through.
The average person produces forty thousand litres of spit in a lifetime, that’s enough to fill around five hundred baths.
And it makes me wonder how difficult it is for her to swallow when her mouth waters, especially with no tongue to draw it to the back of her throat.
I best not ask though, despite curiosity clawing at me.
I push up from the table, snatching the linking serum, her book and quill from the table, in the same spot they were left before we slipped through time. It lands with a thud when I place them next to her plate.
“You wanna write, or talk?”
I return to my plate, loading up with seconds, feigning nonchalance at whatever she chooses, but secretly hoping she chooses the serum.
Her voice soothes my soul like cool rain on sunburned skin.
Her dainty hand hovers over the bottle, she pops the cork and slurps back a gulp before holding the bottle out to me. I’m so eager to snatch it right from her and neck it back, but I take the cool guy route.
Slow and smooth.
‘There’s a pube in my food, that’s why I’m playing with it.’
My laugh explodes, it bounces off the walls, making my chest lighter than it has been in many moons. I know darn well there isn’t none of my pubes in this food, but I see her need to cover the truth with a joke.
Something I’d do too.
“You loved every minute of my cooking show. Same time tomorrow?” I wink, taking a bite of bread and butter with a little jam on.
‘Only if your cooking meatballs.’
“Now that was as bad as my jokes.”
She bobs her head, her grin lopsided, popping out that cute dimple of hers. Loosening the dense air with jokes worked as she brings a fork full of eggs to her mouth.
I pay it no mind.
We sit in comfortable silence as we eat, and when I finally get full, I potter about the kitchen to wash dishes and clean up, leaving Lina in peace and allowing her space to eat without feeling on display.
Some may think the act of pushing food at the back of her throat to swallow is gross. Me? I really don’t give a fuck. I was telling the truth about needing her healthy.
‘These are so good.’
A little husky moan escapes her, and I risk a glance behind me, seeing her slurp coffee and munch on the Eklinese biscuits she’s going to love so damn much. The crumbs dusting her chin and I ache to lick her clean.
She is so fucking beautiful.
And that sound—it did something to me. Stirred something deep in my chest… and groin.
Down boy.
At least Rafe got something right.
‘Can I tell you something?’
“Anything,” I say, turning around to lean against the sink, drying my hands with a cloth but giving her my undivided attention. She takes a moment, and I struggle not to smirk at how she ogles my bare chest. She makes me want to beat it, sling her over my shoulder and throw her on the bed.
Her ogling switches to apprehension with the way she chews her bottom lip.
‘Now I’ve done it, I’m scared to do it again.’
Ah.
“I see.” I throw the cloth on the counter, pull up a seat next to Lina and bring her marked hand into mine, tracing her constellation with my index finger.
“What about it scares you?”
‘Not being in control of where I go. I could have gotten us into some serious trouble, Rafe.’
“But you didn’t. It was my fault, I should have remembered you had Taka in your other hand.
That’s on me. Hey…” I nudge her chin, bringing her gaze back to me.
“… the next time, you’ll know exactly where you’re going.
And I’ll be right there next to you. If we land in some trouble, we’ll deal with it. ” I shrug.
I’m playing it down massively, not wanting her to be fearful of our ability, even though it can be a curse most of the time.
“There was a point in my life where it scared me too.”
I lie; it still scares me. And if I’m being truthful, I could honestly live my life never travelling through time again. But I don’t want fear getting in the way of what she wants.
‘Really?’
“Yeah…” I blow out a ragged breath, the grief creeping up my spine. “My brother died because of me.” The blow to my gut is heavy. Whilst I’ve thought the words, I’ve never said them. But if Lina can be strong enough to confront her darkness, so can I.
“He, uh… died in the battle of Sovo. He wasn’t supposed to be there.
” Her grip on my hand is an anchor I never knew I needed.
I clear my throat, leaning back in the chair, legs spread wide as I play with her fingers.
“I was conscripted, but I never had a clue, he stole the enlistment papers and used my name.” Stupid fucking bastard.
“… knowing I’d probably put up a fight and land me in some jail no doubt. I’d have been executed for being a conscientious objector.”
‘Oh, Rafe.’
“I never had any urge to join the military. Magic warfare and taking up sword and dagger weren’t something I ever wanted to do, plus I didn’t want to fight for the monarchy, who at the time imposed so many ridiculous laws it outright killed people.”
When the cross-breeding act was brought in, so many were executed, or had their power stripped from them for loving the wrong class, race, or elemental power. It was said mixing elementals, say Fire and Earth, could create menaces to society. Savages.
I know that not to be true, having had many friends being ‘cross-bred.’ Fuck I hate that term.
My brother was one of them.
Born in secret after my father took two wives, he was of Earth and Water. And was the gentlest, most honest and forgiving soul there ever was. He’d give you the shirt off his back even if he were frostbitten, though he wouldn’t give you the last cinnamon dough ball on the plate.
Fucker loved those things.
So, very much not a savage.
“I didn’t know of his death until I ran to Alarithia and wrote to him, only for it to be returned.
I came back to Valandor briefly and found the letter from his commanding unit.
Detailing his death and as my brother lost his life for the monarch, no punishment would come to me for his fraudulent enlistment. ”
The letter may as well have said — ‘Bad news is your brother is dead, but good news is you won’t be executed due to his sacrifice.’
“And by that point, after what happened with the Chief Defender, I was too scared to journey back anymore, so I threw what Taka I had in a river. Now and then the urge comes to me to go back, though. That’s why I wanted the Taka from your husband… in case, you know?”
In case I found the strength and faced my fear.
I swallow again, Lina’s eyes shine with so much sadness. But she’s already so fucking sad—for her own life, I don’t want her sad for mine too.
I smile, brushing my thumb over her chin, only lightly, just enough for her to know I’m ok.
And I am ok. I’m not great, I could be happier, everyone could be. But I’m ok. And if I’m honest, I’ve been a little bit more ok since Lina threw coffee at me.
The memory makes me chuckle.
‘I’m so sorry…’
“Don’t,” I squeeze her hand. “I’m ok. Truly.
But what I’m saying is, I don’t want you to fear your ability and end up being in a vicious circle of ‘what if’ like I am, was.
Not when you have so much to gain. Do you think you can find peace in who you are now, or is going back something you must do? ”
Don’t go back, Lina. Stay. Accept your new normal and stay… with me.
She stares at her empty cup for a moment.
‘I’m going back. You’re right. I heard someone say when you feel the fear, you run toward it, not away. So yes, I am going back, I’m getting what was taken from me, and then… rebuild, I guess.’
This woman is remarkable. Oh, to be as strong and brave and defiant as she is.
I smile. She smiles. And I want to tell her just how proud I am of her.
‘What was his name?’
“Sam.” His name tumbles from my lips with a soft whisper, like I’m scared he’ll hear me, find me, and haunt me; demanding to know why I never went back for him. Why I left him for dead on the battlefield. “He was an Echo. We were travel companions too.”
Lina squirms as I look down at my constellation, remembering his. She’s itching to ask more questions on Echoes, but keeps quiet instead.
“He pretty much came out the womb laughing, so we nicknamed him Chuckles, or Chuck.”
My own laugh bubbles in my chest thinking about the howling sound he’d make.
“Always laughing. Always positive. And so very dead.”
I don’t know why I said that. Like I’m trying to convince myself he’s very much gone so I don’t have to face the idea of going back and fuck shit up like I did in Sovo.
‘You don’t have to go alone.’
My head snaps up, her voice cut through my fog like a light through darkness. She can’t possibly be serious; her face says she is. With defiant eyes blazing and her high chin, she most definitely is serious.
Words die on my tongue. Shaking my head, I move back to the sink and wash the remaining plates.
“You need to eat more,” I say, jerking my head over my shoulder, nodding to her plate.
‘I didn’t mean to overstep.’
My knuckles turn white gripping the sink, my head dropping to my chest and I just breathe for a moment.
Big deep breaths in a bid to lift the lead in my gut.
“You didn’t.” Silence hangs between us for a moment. Dense and heavy, and not her doing. “I don’t know how I’d fix it. Not without ensuring no consequences.” Shaking my head does nothing to clean the fog in my brain.
Because it’s hard to admit I don’t know what the fuck to do.
I don’t know how to save him.
I don’t know how to save my brother.
‘Rafe, why do you call me Lina? Everyone calls me Thea.’ She says, tilting her head to the side, her pretty eyes narrowed, trying her best to read what I might not say… she needn’t bother, because I say it anyway.
“Because I don’t want to be just everyone, Lina.”