Chapter 1 #6
Like a flip of a switch, tension filled the kitchen, but it was all on me.
I made it that way, because I was the one with a split personality at the moment.
My heart had never been so set on just forgiving and forgetting and begging him to take me back, at the same time as my head ran in the opposite direction.
I was gonna stand firm. Instant gratification would do nothing but delay the inevitable, and I refused to go there.
“Can we talk?” Ash asked, closing the dishwasher.
I glanced at him before taking the rag to wipe down the table.
“Yes, sure.” Now what? Another event he was attending?
Maybe he’d found a date for the masquerade ball after all?
Walking over to the table, I tried to unclench and lighten the mood.
My mood. “If you’re coming clean about your new fashion choice for this summer’s pool outfit, I already read the news online. ”
“Uh…what?”
I smirked and started wiping the table. “I heard you and Reese lost a bet to all the brats at the event yesterday.”
Apparently, the whole community could now look forward to a summer of Ash and Reese wearing white swim trunks with red hearts. And a bunch of creative statements from the brats, who were allowed to doodle on said swim trunks.
“Oh,” Ash chuckled. “Yeah, we decided to let the little shits win one. In my defense, I wasn’t really part of it until the end.”
Uh-huh.
“Anyway, uh…” He cleared his throat. “What I wanted to say was, uh—you were right. About pretty much everything.”
What? I straightened and looked over at him.
His discomfort was clear as day, and he flicked a glance at the doorway, maybe making sure we were alone.
“I treated you horribly,” he admitted. “Even though everything I said was true—about me being happy without Daddykink in my life—you saw that I was missing something. You knew all along. And I can only imagine how you figured it out, how I… How I treated you when I—” He cut himself off, visibly upset.
I swallowed and felt a rush of unease swell over me, like a big wave that pulled me under.
Where the hell was this coming from?
“It’s my only regret in life, that I couldn’t be braver,” he went on. “It didn’t occur to me until recently that I put you in a fucking awful position.”
Oh my God.
Emotions welled up within me, and my eyes smarted faster than I could blink.
“I mean, I know I told you I would’ve done the same thing, but…
” He coughed and looked away. “You did everything you could—and I understand why you couldn’t go on.
I wouldn’t have wanted that on my conscience either, the risk of you growing resentful one day or living with regrets.
I’d never want you to deny a part of yourself. ”
I pressed a hand to my mouth as I felt a sound travel up my throat.
Tears blurred my vision and ran down my face before I could even try to hold anything back, and I quickly wiped at my cheek.
I couldn’t believe he was actually saying all this to me.
The words I’d never thought I’d hear come out of his mouth.
I’d felt so fucking alone.
The pressure kept building up inside me, but I couldn’t afford to unleash anything. I was acutely aware of our kids being in the other room.
I sniffled and removed my glasses, leaving them on the table, and the tears just fucking flowed. God-fucking-dammit. Damn him. Damn him for saying this now when I was already at my weakest.
I wiped at my cheeks fruitlessly, only to hide my whole face behind my hands.
Don’t fall apart, don’t fall apart, don’t fall apart.
Ash whispered a curse, and then he was right in front of me in two quick strides. He wrapped his arms around me, as if that would console me? If possible, I shattered even more. He hadn’t hugged me in…I didn’t even know how long.
You absolute fucking bastard. Fix this and take me back.
As validating as it felt to hear him say all this, what good did it do in the long-term? We were down to the final days before we told our youngest kids that we were getting divorced.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Nathan. I fucked up the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Okay, that was going too far. I wasn’t exactly blameless in our clusterfuck.
“Quit it,” I croaked, needing to get my shit together ASAP.
Micah or Lily could appear at any moment.
“You can’t take all the blame.” I sniffled and withdrew from him.
Let’s face it, being so close to him wasn’t fucking helping.
I walked over to the sink and turned on the water.
“Christ, I’m gonna look like I’m the one needing trauma care after this.
” I bent down and splashed water on my face.
“You had to get this off your chest forty-five minutes before my Zoom meeting?” I scrubbed my hands vigorously over my face before turning off the water again and reaching for a towel.
“Shit. Are you seeing a patient?”
“No, I’m helping a colleague. She’s the keynote speaker at a conference next week, and she asked me to help her finalize her address.” I finished drying off and glanced hesitantly at Ash. “Do I look like roadkill?”
He smiled sympathetically and shook his head. “It takes a bit more cryin’ than that.”
What a wonderful silver lining.
I released a breath and returned the towel. Bitching aside… “Thank you for telling me. What you said before, I mean. It means a lot.”
It was akin to closure. As close as I could get to it without feeling actual closure, I’d say. Because I knew that wasn’t happening. You couldn’t get closure from something you couldn’t let go of—and therefore no absolute relief either.
“Least I could do.” He checked his watch, then folded his arms over his chest. “So, uh, what does next week look like for you?”
With impeccable timing, Micah wandered into the kitchen and glued himself to me, wrapping his arms around my middle. I would’ve become nervous that he’d overheard something, but the smile he sent me put me at ease.
“Hi.”
I smiled back and combed my fingers through his wavy hair. “Hi, sweetheart. Everything good?”
“Yeah, I just missed you. Come over here, Dad.” He motioned for Ash to come closer too.
It’d been a while since he’d needed a double hug.
“You don’t have to ask me twice.” Ash joined us and bent down to give Micah a tight hug. “These are the best damn hugs, am I right?”
“Best damn hugs,” Micah echoed.
The day he outgrew his affectionate phase was going to suck royally.
Dylan and Hallie were long past it. We could get a hug from Hallie every day, but they were the short ones.
The two-second embraces. Lily was younger; she still wanted to sit on laps and cuddle on the couch.
But she grew restless and had ants in her pants, so she rarely sat still for long.
It was Micah. He recharged his batteries through closeness and affection.
I dipped down and kissed the top of his head.
He was the biggest reason I dreaded the divorce, in terms of what this would do to our kids.
He struggled with Ash’s “working late” and that we didn’t have dinner together much anymore.
Lily’s anxiety manifested itself differently.
There was more than one exception to every rule, including changes to her everyday life.
She grew introspective sometimes or she shook her head in “hell fucking no, we’re not doing this” or she jumped for joy because it was something she’d longed for.
Having her own room, for instance. Boy, was she happy about that.
The girl was fiercely territorial and loved having her own space.
But if Ash and I went up there right now and tried to redecorate? No way. She’d freeze up in terror.
I rubbed Micah’s back unhurriedly, and Ash straightened and made eye contact with me.
Maybe we were thinking about the same thing.
He asked you about next week.
I cleared my throat. “I, uh, I have two new patients with double sessions—and then a seminar on Wednesday and Thursday.” In other words, it was going to be a lot next week. “What about you?”
“No more than usual.” He shrugged and scratched Micah’s scalp. “You think you can squeeze me in for a lunch at some point?”
Oh God, why? We didn’t have lunch one-on-one. Not anymore. So if he wanted us to meet up without the children around, I could think of only one reason. To discuss the divorce.
I scrubbed a hand over my jaw and dove for the coward’s answer. “This week’s gonna be tight. The seminar is in Baltimore, so I’ll be late for dinner too.” Technically, none of that was a lie.
He furrowed his brow. “How come I didn’t know about that?”
Um… I shrugged. “It’s on the fridge. And my parents are picking up Micah and Lily after school on Wednesday. I did text you. You said ‘Roger that.’”
“Oh.” He rubbed his forehead. “It rings a bell.”
Micah peered up at him, beaming. “Nana’s making taquitos!”
“Aw man, I don’t wanna miss that,” Ash said, playing it up. “Maybe I should come with.”
My folks would actually love that. They missed him.
Micah nodded furiously. “You gotta, Dad. Nana always says you’re too busy now.”
That was one way of putting it.
“So it’s settled,” Ash replied. “You, me, Lily, and dinner with Nana and Pop-Pop on Wednesday.”
Micah fist-pumped the air, and I had successfully dodged a miserable lunch with Ash, during which we would hammer out divorce details.
But just as that thought flew past, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it could be something else. For fuck’s sake, he’d had this big revelation for a reason. He’d come here to let me know I’d been right in wanting him to explore his inner Daddy Dom for a reason.
Oh, fuck my fucking life, had he met someone?
Had he met a Little?
I was gonna be sick.
This couldn’t be happening.
But it made sense, didn’t it? He’d had moments lately when he’d been happier. He’d reconnected with his friends in Mclean. I had evidently been right about his needing to explore Daddykink…