Chapter 17
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Pat says, stumbling into our RV, holding the door open behind him.
I look up from my drawing as Diana comes into view, beautiful as ever.
Only someone who knows her well would be able to tell how dim her usual light is.
We stare into each other’s eyes, far too long, until Pat clears his throat. A bit of color appears on Diana’s cheeks as she looks away pointedly.
“Okay,” Pat draws out. “I’m gonna go,” he points at me with narrowed eyes. “Don’t fuck on my bed.”
Diana gasps, putting a hand on her chest with wide eyes. Fully scandalized. I roll my eyes.
There will be no fucking. None whatsoever. I don’t tell him that, though. “It’s my bed too now.”
He narrows his eyes even more. “Don’t. Seriously.” Then he points at Diana, without a hint of shame. “And you! Don’t seduce her. I mean it. I can’t afford emotional cleanup today.”
“Pat,” she says, flustered but still way too sweet and endearing for the topic of conversation. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Of course, she doesn’t.
“Oh, please,” he scoffs, stepping back toward the door. “You walk around like some innocent angel, but I know there’s a freak in you.”
He glances between us one last time and mutters, “I’m watching you two.” And then he’s gone, door slamming shut behind him.
Silence settles instantly, thick and heavy. She stands in the middle of the area like she’s scared to get too close, scared to sit, scared to breathe wrong, her entire face beet red over Pat’s last comment.
I gesture toward the bed, throwing her a bone. “You can sit.”
She nods quickly and settles herself down, smoothing her skirt. Her eyes narrow in on my sketchbook. “What are you drawing?”
I snap it closed, tossing it onto the floor beside us. “Nothing.” She purses her lips, staring down at it like she wants to push, but she doesn’t.
Instead, she lets out a long breath. “Thank you for letting me come over.”
My laugh is bitter. “You invited yourself, Di. You don’t need to thank me.”
“Feels like I should,” she murmurs, picking at her fingernails until she rips the top of one completely off. “It feels like I have to earn being around you now.”
I look away, because if I look at her right now, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t want to talk about this.
“I’m still…” Her voice goes thin. “I’m still me, Lily.”
I clench my jaw.
“Are you?”
That makes her flinch. Dammit.
I scrub a hand over my face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“Yes,” she says, cutting me off. “You did.”
Her eyes lift to mine, the same soft blue that can get me to forgive anything. “And you can… you can hate me. I—” She swallows. “I still wanted to see you. Even if you don’t want to talk—”
“I didn’t say I hate you,” I cut her off, still angry, but I don’t hate her.
“You didn’t have to.” She looks different in the dim RV light. Small and sad, her lip trembling as she tries not to cry. And I hate that she’s here, and I hate that I still want her here, and I hate that I feel like I should apologize for how I feel.
But never her.
I take a real breath, forcing down the I’m sorry coming up my throat. “Diana, why are you here?”
I already know it isn’t about petitions or the garden or stilted conversation. Diana’s never been able to hide anything from me, and she’s practically vibrating out of her skin.
“I don’t think Pat would like the reason very much,” she whispers, her gaze darting to the door to the RV where Pat left minutes ago.
A shiver goes through my whole body at the implication, but I don’t let her see that.
“What reason?”
“I don’t…” She pauses, twisting the hem of her dress between her fingers.
“Diana,” I say, firmer than before, “Tell me what you want.”
Her eyes lift slowly, and when I see the look on her face, everything in me goes tight.
Her face is flushed, lips parted as she licks them. Her hands clench, and her eyes look the way they always do right before she kisses me.
“I can’t stop thinking about you.”
My breath, my heart, everything stops.
She presses on before I can say anything, her voice taking on a neediness I rarely hear from her. “I tried to stop, I know you don’t want me anymore, but Lily, I’m begging you—”
“Don’t do this.”
“I’ve been trying not to, that’s the problem.” She shifts on the bed so that she’s on her knees, right in front of me, the soft fabric of her dress brushing my bare leg.
Her eyes drop to my mouth before flicking back up. “It’s been too long. I’m losing my mind. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I keep remembering how it felt and—” She swallows hard. “I couldn’t go on if I never got to touch you again.”
“You’re not supposed to want me,” I whisper, the last weak protest I have, but it disappears when she leans in close enough that I can smell her perfume.
She still smells like bubblegum.
“But I do.” Her fingers trace the line of my jaw, feather light. Her thumb brushes my cheekbone. “I want you, Lily.”
I can’t breathe in, if I do, it’ll only be more of her.
“Tell me to stop.”
“I can’t.”
She leans closer, her lips brushing mine with the promise of a kiss, and my entire body shudders. When she finally kisses me, it’s soft at first, expecting me to push her away.
When I don’t, she pulls me closer, her mouth moving against mine with the kind of desperation that has me grabbing the back of her dress.
Her hands slide up my sides, over my ribs, palming my breasts as she kisses me harder. “I missed you,” she gasps against my lips. “I missed you.”
I press my forehead to her jaw, breathing her in, running my hands up her arms, memorizing the way her body feels under my hands.
“You’re getting married.”
“I know,” she whispers, but her hands slide down to my waist and pause at the hem of my shirt, and then, she takes it off.
I let her.
I shake the hair out of my face as she pulls her dress over her head. I watch her, heart pounding, as she struggles with shaking hands.
“Di…” I force out, barely able to form basic words, when she kneels in front of me, completely bare. I don’t think my heart will ever get used to seeing her like that.
I reach for her, tugging her down to me. Every kiss, every touch is urgent. We’ve been holding back for years, and now this is all we have.
We both know this can’t happen again.
Her hands slide down, down too far, reaching between my legs. I stop her, catching her wrist.
Her eyes blaze up at me, wide and desperate, lips parting. She doesn’t even try to pull away, instead, she finds a new target, attaching her lips to my nipple, sucking and nibbling, soothing it with her tongue. I cry out, squirming under her to get away, even though that’s the last thing I want.
She’s too close, too much, and the brush of her fingers against my nipple makes my head spin. “Di… please,” I say, not meaning for it to come out as a plea, but once it’s out, I can’t take it back.
She laughs softly, a trembling, breathless sound, like she’s enjoying this. “Please… what?” she asks, her hands slipping a little closer, under the waistband of my shorts. “Do you want me to stop?”
I cling to her shoulders, gripping them, trying to maintain any sort of composure. “I… I shouldn’t… we can’t,” I try to say, but she’s already undoing the little control I have left, tugging my shorts down.
When they’re off, her fingers slide into the fabric of my underwear, but she doesn’t move them. She rests her fingers over me and it’s not enough, but it’s so much.
Everything in me knows I shouldn’t let her go further.
“I… I can’t,” I whisper again, but it’s weak, and we both know it.
She smiles, but her eyes shine with unshed tears. “Just a little,” she murmurs, sliding a single finger down to my entrance. “I’ll stop if you want…” She trails off as she slides it inside of me for the first time.
I gasp, arching into the touch even as my brain screams at me not to let her do this. Every brush, every press, feels like fire under my skin that I can’t get enough of. “Di…” I breathe, voice breaking, wanting to push her away, but pulling her closer.
“You’re so wet, Lily.” Her words are almost unbearable, filled with raw longing.
I close my eyes against the feeling of a second finger joining the first, the slow in and out motion. I cling to her arms, her hair, anything I can hold onto. She’s so close, inside of me, every movement so intimate, and my heart aches with love that has nowhere to go.
Her breath is hot against my neck, her fingers moving with a mix of urgency and tenderness, and it makes me shiver in a way that’s more than physical. My heart is hammering, my mind screaming no, but my body betrays me.
It craves her. More. Everything.
“Stop,” I whisper, tears falling from my eyes now as I clench around the intrusion, I’m so close already. She presses a little closer, a little harder.
She knows I don’t want her to stop.
“I won’t hurt you,” she murmurs, adding her thumb to rub circles on my clit. And fuck, I can’t fight it anymore. I’m exhausted, and every part of me belongs to her, even if she doesn’t feel the same way.
Once I let go, everything else in the world disappears. I’m crying, gasping, I don’t even know what I’m saying, every nerve in my body is alive, and my heart is breaking. But I can’t pull away.
She needs me right now. Even if it tears me apart.
When it’s over, I fall back against the pillow with tear tracks down my cheeks, chest heaving from the many orgasms Diana pulled from me before she decided she was done.
She hovers above me, her chest rising and falling fast, coming down from her own, her eyes soft in a way that makes me want to look away.
Then she moves like she wants to curl herself around me.
I can’t help but flinch with a small sound of protest.
She freezes.
I press my forearm over my eyes, a pathetic attempt to hide the tears leaking out despite every effort I make to keep them in. “Lily…” she whispers, reaching for my arm.
“No,” I choke out, my voice cracking. “Don’t. Please.”