Chapter 17 #2
She pulls back immediately, sitting up on her heels. She’s silent for long enough that I uncover my eyes to make sure she’s still there.
“Is… is it because I’m pregnant?” she asks softly, laying a hand over her belly.
I don’t know why that gets to me, but it does.
I sit up, pushing through the brain fog sex with Diana always provides, and press my hand to her stomach alongside hers. “Of course not, Di.”
She swallows, looking down at my hand on her still flat stomach where her baby rests. “Then why?”
Because I’ll never be with you like this again.
Because you’re marrying him.
Because I wish I could have given you a baby.
But I can’t say any of that out loud.
“I just…” The words disappear before I can form them. “It’s a lot.”
She shifts closer, just barely.
“I’m sad,” I admit. “Being with you, knowing I won’t ever get to… ever again…” My voice breaks, and I pull my hand back, dragging it across my eyes.
Diana’s face crumples. “Oh, Lily…”
She tries again to lean in, to touch me, but I let out a whimper I can’t hold in. And I know this is killing her, too. I can see her heart breaking right in front of me, but I can’t muster up enough of myself to get it together.
Tears gather in her eyes, making the blue of them shine. “I didn’t mean to hurt you more than I already have,” she whispers. “I just… I missed you so much I couldn’t breathe.”
I turn away, trying to hide the fresh wave of tears. The cramped RV feels too small to contain what I feel right now.
Diana continues to stare at me, her expression open, aching, and full of something she can’t give. When she finally speaks up, she sounds so sincere, so sad, that I don’t even try to tell her no.
“Please let me hold you, sweetheart.”
My breath catches. I don’t answer right away, but I can’t imagine telling her to leave.
This time, I don’t pull away when she eases closer, like she’s approaching something fragile.
Someone fragile.
Me.
Who would have thought?
She’s trembling as she slides down beside me on the bed, and that won’t work for me.
I’ve been giving Diana a hard time, and I’m still pissed about what she did with Scott, but she hasn’t been vulnerable like this with anyone either. She’s continuously let me see all of her, and right now, she’s scared and anxious and still baring all of herself to me.
I can let down my walls for her one more time.
I rest my head on her chest, and wrap my legs around her. She giggles, and I do too, a little too quiet, but I can’t let go of the melancholy of the situation we’re in.
How she settles her arm around me extra tight, like she knows this is the last time she ever gets to do it. My hand instinctively reaches behind me, grabbing hers, so she knows it isn’t a mistake.
For a long time, neither of us speaks. She runs her hand down my back like she’s memorizing the way my body fits against hers. And I sink into it because I don’t have the strength not to.
At some point, my hand drifts down. Not on purpose, it’s just… drawn there. I place my palm over the spot on her stomach where she always rests her hand these days.
Her baby.
My thumb traces slow circles over the soft skin. When she finally speaks, her voice comes out shaky. “Lily… what are you doing?”
“You’re having a baby,” I whisper, with no lack of wonder. I haven’t stopped to think about it like that since I found out. It’s been all about losing Diana, Scott, the wedding, and her sleeping with him.
She doesn’t respond with words right away. Her hand comes down to cover mine, brushing her thumb back and forth over where I’m holding her stomach. We stay like that, joined over the place her baby is growing, sharing a quiet that feels too big to acknowledge.
“Even though everything is… horrible right now,” she whispers, “I’m… I am excited. I’ve been trying not to say that out loud because it feels wrong. Everything about this feels wrong. But I… I love my baby, Lily.”
My chest tightens. Not with jealousy over what I can’t have with her, but with something older, that goes back years and years, to a younger version of us.
“I know you do,” I say gently, rubbing her stomach with slow, absent-minded motions. “You’ve always wanted this. When we were little, all you could think about was getting older and having a baby of your own.”
She laughs through her sniffles. “You remember that?”
“Of course I do. You had their names and their birthdays and their clothes all planned out. And you said you would give them cupcakes for dinner every night.”
“That sounds like me,” she says, giggling into my hair.
I pull in a shaky breath, hugging her a little tighter. “You’re going to be an amazing mom, Di. I don’t doubt that for a second.”
She presses her forehead to mine and exhales shakily, like I gave her permission to breathe.
“Are you… Are you really happy for me?”
I look up enough to meet her eyes, brushing our noses together. “Yeah, I am.”
The tears that spill down her face blend with mine, landing warm against my skin, but neither of us mention it.
I lay my head back down on her chest and imagine for a moment that we can stay here forever.