Chapter 18
Diana hasn’t been around much since that night.
She’s thrown herself into planning the best wedding possible, in very little time.
Most of what I hear about her is through other people. Pat, Clara, the whole damn town. How she’s picked the cake and the decorations, how she’s acting completely insane, according to Clara.
And then she came to me with a decision.
She’s going to have the wedding at the Rosehill Garden. Our garden. The place we’ve been busting our asses to save. The place where I first realized I loved her.
She framed it as a strategy. “It’ll show the council how valuable the garden is, Lily. It’ll help the petition. Just think, this will be the event of the year.” I barely made it into the bathroom before I threw up.
It’s stupid.
God, I know it’s stupid.
But that’s where I always imagined us getting married one day. Me and her, barefoot among the flowers in our white dresses, Diana laughing obnoxiously loud the way she does when she’s really happy.
The way she only ever does when she’s with me.
I glare at my reflection in the mirror, the light buzzing annoyingly overhead like it’s mocking me.
I look awful. Pale, sweaty, eyes rimmed red, even though I haven’t cried.
At least, I haven’t today.
After I’ve been in here an abnormal amount of time, staring at myself in the mirror, wondering how I got to this point, the door slides open, and Pat pokes his head inside. “You good?”
“No.” I wet a towel and press it to my eyes, willing myself to pull together. Diana isn’t here, won’t ever be here again, not for me.
Pat lingers in the doorway, crossing his arms. “You know, she’d probably change where she’s having the wedding if it means that much to you.”
I shake my head. “The garden means something to her, too. She deserves to have her wedding there if that’s what she wants.”
He gives me a look that says he disagrees, but he’s learned not to push when it comes to her. “Come on, Lil. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine. And maybe, just a suggestion, stop volunteering to help every time Diana needs a hand with her wedding crap. That’s emotional torture.”
I laugh once, humorless. “You got that right.”
Pat reaches over and tugs on the string to turn off the bathroom light. “Come on. Let’s go outside, smoke a joint, play some cards. Try to forget about her for a little while.”
I follow him out of the bathroom with a nod. I can try to feel better, to have fun, and maybe I will, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel fully okay again.
Not while Diana is planning a future that I’ve spent my entire life dreaming would be ours.
When Diana calls me over, I don’t bother knocking. I’ve got the paper bag from the diner crooked in my elbow, running up the stairs, the smell of the fries making my mouth water. When I reach Diana’s open bedroom door, I stop so fast I almost crash into the wall.
She’s in her dress.
All of my breath leaves me in one hard exhale. It’s a bright white, with flutter sleeves and a full skirt, perfectly Diana. “Oh my god, Lily,” she exclaims, spinning toward me, her hair half-done up in rollers. “It’s wrong. It’s all wrong.”
She’s flushed, wide-eyed, but even in her frantic state, she’s so heartbreakingly beautiful that my tongue feels heavy in my mouth.
“I brought food,” I force out, holding up the bag.
She ignores me, pacing in her bare feet across the carpet. “I knew the dress fitting was too fast. I knew it. I got caught up in the moment and picked the wrong one and—” She gestures at her body. “Look at me! I look pregnant.”
“You do not,” I say firmly, the only way you can when she gets like this.
“You’re just saying that, if you told me I looked eight months pregnant, that would be rude, but I can see that—”
“I’m not just saying that.” I swallow. Hard. “Diana… you look gorgeous.”
She shakes her head, turning back toward the mirror to scrutinize her reflection again. “It doesn’t feel right, Lily. I’m supposed to feel happy. And I…” Her breath stutters. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
I sigh, setting the bag of food down onto the dresser. “Hey. Look at me.” She does, her blue eyes wide as she looks up at me in her dress, and I have to pretend that doesn’t wreck me.
“You’re beautiful,” I say, softer, like that will make it sink in. “You’re scared, and you’re overwhelmed, but none of that changes the fact that you look… breathtaking.”
I reach out and smooth one of the fallen curls behind her ear, making one of my fingers brush her cheek. She closes her eyes, leaning into my hand.
I shouldn’t be here.
I shouldn’t be the one she calls when she’s falling apart, when she’s wearing that dress for someone else.
But I am. I always will be.
“Lily,” she whispers. My hand falls away before I do something stupid like pull her in for a kiss.
“Let’s… let’s sit down. Eat something. You’ve been running yourself ragged planning the wedding. When was the last time you ate?”
She nods, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand discreetly. “Okay. Yeah. You’re right.”
We end up on the floor.
That’s the only way Diana can sit in her dress.
After trying to be graceful for far too long, she plops down with a dramatic exhale, the layers of her skirt puffing around her. I try not to stare too hard at how pretty she looks, but I’m weak, and she knows it, giving me a knowing smile.
She stuffs a handful of fries in her mouth. “Do you think brides in magazines ever eat greasy diner food in their dresses?”
“I don’t think that’s allowed.”
That makes her giggle, and I try to act like that doesn’t completely warm my heart.
When she shifts, one of the layers of her dress snaps up and hits me in the head, and she loses it completely, laughing with her whole body. “See?” she manages between breaths. “This is what’s wrong with this dress. It’ll attack you.”
It feels almost normal, sitting here on the carpet with our legs crossed, her dress taking up half the room, her veil thrown haphazardly over a lamp.
If I squint, I could pretend this isn’t leading up to the most painful moment of my life. That she isn’t marrying someone else.
She picks up another fry while I’m lost in thought, then nudges it toward my lips. “Here. You always forget to eat when you’re worried.”
“Diana…”
“Eat, Lily,” she insists.
And I can’t help the way I meet her eyes.
We’re breathing the same air, knees touching, the world narrowing down to only us, sitting in the same spot we shared our first kiss. Diana’s eyes flick down to my lips as I wet them with my tongue.
She’s leaning forward, and I’m not stopping her…
We jump apart at the sound of her mother.
“Diana Rose!”
She stands there, eyes blazing. She looks at Diana on the floor in her white dress, eating a burger and fries, and then turns her gaze filled with pure disgust on me. “Lillian, you need to leave.”
Diana straightens instantly. “No, mom!”
Her pleas do nothing but make her mother stand taller. “This is unacceptable. I will not have you distracting her the day before her wedding.”
I force myself to stand even though my legs are unsteady. “Mrs. Rose, we were—”
“I don’t care what you were doing.”
She sounds colder than I’ve ever heard her. And that’s saying something.
“You are not welcome here.”
Diana struggles to stand in her giant dress, tripping over a layer of tulle. “Mom, stop, Lily didn’t do anything.”
She doesn’t even acknowledge her. “Go.”
I can’t even blame her mom, not really. I don’t belong here. Not in this house. Not in this room. Not in Diana’s future.
My throat burns.
I nod once, swallowing the sting. “It’s okay,” I murmur to Diana. “I should let you get back to getting ready.”
“Lily,” Diana’s voice cracks.
Her mother cuts her off sharply. “Fix your makeup. You have a rehearsal in forty minutes.”
The look Diana gives me is heartbreaking, but I force myself to smile. If I acknowledge the fact that this is it, that I might not have another chance to say goodbye, I won’t make it out of here without crying.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Di. Good luck.”
I slip past her mother, the venom in her glare following me all the way into the hallway, along with Diana’s desperate, “Lily, wait!”
I don’t make it far. My whole body feels uneven, like I’m floating above myself, like if I take one more step, I’ll fall straight through the floor. So I stand there, pressed against the wall out of sight, trying to calm down.
Then I hear it.
Diana’s mother’s voice, sharp and venomous, cutting through the crack in the door I didn’t manage to pull fully shut. “I cannot believe you, Diana. Sitting on the floor in your dress? With her?”
Diana tries to speak, but it comes out small. “Mom, please—”
“No,” she cuts her off, her voice dripping with disgust. “This is exactly the kind of situation you end up in when you spend your adolescence glued to that whore’s daughter.” My stomach drops, but I hold my breath, careful not to make a noise to announce my presence.
“I told you she was trouble. I told you she’d drag you down with her. And now look at you.” Her footsteps come from across the room, getting closer to where I’m hiding. “Pregnant before marriage, desperate, emotional, everything she is.”
“Mom,” Diana says, this time, some of her usual fire peaking through. “This isn’t Lily’s fault. You can’t blame her for my decisions!”
“Oh, don’t start. If you had listened to me years ago and stayed away from that girl, your life wouldn’t be in shambles.
It’s not a coincidence that this all came about as soon as you started trying to save that ridiculous garden.
” I close my eyes, the words cutting deeper, part of me even believes them.
“And honestly, Diana, what in god’s name were you thinking, eating at a time like this? Do you want to split the seams in that dress? You already barely fit in it.”
A wounded sound comes from Diana, and it cracks my heart clean in two.