Chapter 19
Felix sat on his suitcase, swearing.
“Close,” he hissed, jerking the zipper. “Close, you son of a bitch!”
He yanked the zipper again. It didn’t budge.
He groaned, slapping his suitcase lid. He didn’t even have a lot of stuff! Not like Shane, who had to get actual moving boxes when he moved out this morning, grunting as he carried his old notebooks and stacks of hardcovers to Nate’s new car.
There was a knock on the door. Fast, polite, and efficient.
Felix ignored a surge of bitterness and called, “It’s open!”
The dorm door swung open. Jacob walked in, frowning when he spotted Felix on top of his suitcase.
“You’re already packing?” Jacob said. “We don’t have to get out of dorms for two days.”
Felix shrugged and jumped off his suitcase. “Yeah, but we start paying rent today. Might as well get our money’s worth. And I’m doing dinner over there tonight, so.”
“Right,” Jacob said. “Sure. I’ll be there.”
“Cool.” Felix pulled the suitcase zipper, more so he didn’t have to look at Jacob than anything else. Looking at Jacob made him want to cry. Or kiss him. He didn’t know which was worse.
“Here,” Jacob said. He pressed his big hands onto the suitcase, and Felix held back a shiver as he remembered one of those big hands inside him.
He pulled the zipper. It slid reluctantly closed, and Felix let out a triumphant gasp.
“Thank fuck,” he said. “Thought I’d have to hold it closed with my arms. Thank god I don’t own any books.”
Jacob stood back, those big hands going in his pockets. “I still don’t know how you can do an English degree without buying any books.”
“Begging, borrowing, and stealing,” Felix assured Jacob, flashing him a smirk. He could do this, he told himself. He could be normal. Even if their new ‘normal’ meant Felix pulling back and turning this friendship from weird and codependent to normal and boring.
“Final exam go okay?” Jacob asked.
“Crushed it,” Felix lied. He’d be happy if he escaped with a passing grade. “What about you, did you make those numbers your bitch?”
“Again,” Jacob said. “There’s more to a stats degree than numbers. And my last exam isn’t until this afternoon.”
“Right,” Felix said, remembering the messages he’d looked at for two seconds last night before forcing himself to go back to watching a movie. “Then you’re going over to David’s for the lease stuff before dinner.”
“To sign the lease, yeah.” Jacob said it quietly, like it was something to feel guilty about. Shit, did he feel guilty about it? Did he think Felix was still upset? Felix was still upset, but he was trying very hard to convince himself otherwise. It was stupid to be upset about it.
Felix rocked sideways to nudge their shoulders together. “What’s with the face? Thought you were psyched about it.”
“I am,” Jacob said, too fast. But he still looked strange.
Felix nudged him harder. “You know I’m not sad about it anymore, right? So if that face is about me, you can cut it out.”
Jacob looked up, surprised. “You’re… not sad about it?”
Felix laughed, pulling in every ounce of his high school theater kid skills.
He’d spent a lifetime playing Loveable Goofball Sidekick With Nothing Under The Surface.
Time to earn himself an Oscar. “No,” he scoffed.
“Are you kidding me? Of course you don’t want to live with me, man.
I’m a disaster! Even if I wasn’t, you still wouldn’t want to live with me.
We’d drive each other crazy, like you said. ”
“Right,” Jacob said, still weirdly quiet. He opened his mouth, hovering on the verge of speech for so long Felix started freaking out. Then Jacob sighed, tugging at the closed zipper on Felix’s single suitcase. “You’re very prepared.”
“It has been known to happen,” Felix said, relieved. “Also I don’t have much crap to pack. Which made things easier.”
Jacob hummed. He reached over to the nightstand and picked up the only things left to pack: a tube of burn cream and the hand cream Jacob cajoled him into buying whenever his last one ran out.
“Can’t forget these,” he said.
“I’m not forgetting,” Felix replied. “I was leaving those out so I remember to use them.”
He went to take them from Jacob. But Jacob had already set the hand cream back on the nightstand and was unscrewing the burn cream.
Felix had to bite his cheek to stop his smile from going haywire. “I can do it myself.”
“I know,” Jacob said. “Just… old time’s sake.”
He took Felix’s burned hand and rubbed the cream gently into the healing skin. Felix’s hand tingled in a way that had nothing to do with the cream.
Jacob started on the other hand. His movements were slower than usual, none of the efficient swipes Felix was used to. This was slow and soft. If this was anyone else, Felix might have thought he was treasuring this moment as much as Felix.
Then Jacob stopped. Not rubbing in the cream, just… holding them.
Felix waited for Jacob to let go. But Jacob just stood there, holding Felix’s hands and looking down at him with those big, dark eyes that made Felix’s breath catch.
What was happening right now? It couldn’t be what Felix thought was happening.
Romance didn’t happen to Felix. Obviously Jacob was making a pass at him. Right?
“Felix,” Jacob said.
Felix panicked. He pulled his hands out of Jacob’s grip and clenched his hands in Jacob’s button-down. “How about one last fuck?” he asked. “To say goodbye to the dorm room.”
Jacob’s gaze dropped to his mouth. Bitter victory surged through Felix’s chest—even if he couldn’t have what he really wanted, he could at least have this.
“But we…” Jacob paused, swallowing. “We already finished the list.”
“Screw the list,” Felix whispered.
He leaned up hungrily, his mind already filling with memories: Jacob against him, on top of him, inside him. He wanted it so much. Almost as much as he wanted Jacob to love him the same way he loved Jacob.
Jacob’s eyes went half-lidded. But before Felix could kiss him, Jacob jerked back.
“We, uh.” Jacob cleared his throat, flustered. “We shouldn't.”
“Oh,” Felix said weakly. “Cool. Sure.”
Jacob pried Felix’s fingers off his shirt. Felix let him, humiliated. He’d been turned down before, obviously. But never like this. He should’ve known Jacob wouldn’t want to sleep with him after they finished the list. He’d just hoped he’d been good enough in bed that Jacob wouldn’t care.
He started to pull his hands out of Jacob’s grip, but to his surprise, Jacob held him fast.
“You must be happy,” Jacob said, still holding his hands. “To get to sleep with other people again. Right?”
“You betcha,” Felix croaked, breaking out in a cold sweat. What the fuck was going on? What was with the soul-searching look Jacob had given him earlier if he didn’t want to sleep with him? Why was Jacob still holding his hands?
Jacob ran a thumb over Felix’s knuckles. “You… you have to use the cream when I’m not five minutes’ walk away from you, okay? Both of them.”
“Right,” Felix said, confused. Was Jacob holding his hands to make a point about the cream?
Was this just a friend thing and Felix was blowing it all out of proportion?
They had an intense friendship, sure. But not the kind where they stood within kissing distance holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes.
“And we’ll still see each other all the time,” Jacob said desperately. “Even after we graduate.”
“Right,” Felix repeated, stuck between deep confusion and incredible hope.
The confusion was winning, obviously, but the stupid, stubborn hope lit him up like never before.
He’d never suspected Jacob felt anything romantic for him until this moment.
But hey, he was never the smartest cigarette in the pack, or whatever that saying was.
He could be making something out of nothing.
It didn’t stop his traitorous heart from pounding as Jacob stroked his hands. Or when Jacob leaned down, those beautiful eyes falling shut. Or when Jacob kissed him, so slowly and sweetly it almost stopped Felix’s racing brain.
Almost. Even as he kissed back, Felix couldn’t stop his screaming thoughts: Jacob didn’t want to fuck, but he did want to make out? Was this a goodbye kiss? What the fuck was happening?
Then Jacob deepened the kiss, and Felix stopped thinking.
Jacob took Felix’s face in his hands. He stroked Felix’s cheeks, and Felix felt cherished in ways he never had before.
Nobody touched him like this. Felix was the guy you had a good time with then forgot about.
He wasn’t the guy who held hands or got his face stroked, but here was Jacob, making him feel like he was something worth holding.
Felix heard himself moan. He pressed closer, tangling his fingers in Jacob’s button-down.
He felt starved. Like he’d been offered something he thought he’d never get again, and he needed to gorge himself while he still could.
He waited for Jacob to push him back, tell him he was too much, like always.
But Jacob just clutched him tighter. He kissed Felix like he had something to prove, like he never wanted to let go, like…
Fuck. If Felix let himself believe it, he could almost convince himself Jacob kissed him like he was in love with him.
The door slammed open.
Felix jumped back just in time to watch Shane run in then stumble to a stop, his frustration switching to shock as he noticed the two boys tangled together in the middle of the dorm. He had his phone in his hand, and he was panting from carrying boxes.
“Uhhhh,” Shane said, putting his phone away. “I can… come back later?”
“It’s fine,” Felix replied automatically.
He turned to Jacob, expecting to see Jacob looking awkward and avoiding their eyes.
But Jacob was still staring at Felix, upset.
Why was he upset? Shane already knew about them, so it couldn’t be that.
Was he sad about getting interrupted? Or was Felix’s useless hope actually onto something?
Shane jogged over to his old dorm bed and got on his knees, reaching underneath it until he emerged with a triumphant yell and a phone charger.
“Little shit,” Shane hissed, stuffing his charger in his pocket. Then he stood, giving them both a stiff head bob. “So… you’re still doing dinner, right?”
“Totes,” said Felix, who had never said ‘totes’ before in his life.
Shane bobbed his head again. “Cool. See you guys there. You’re coming, yeah?”
Jacob nodded silently.
“Well,” Shane said. Then he turned and left, seeming to think that was a sufficient goodbye.
The door closed quietly behind him. Felix turned back to Jacob, waiting to see what the hell that had been about.
Seconds passed. Nothing happened. Felix fought down the horrible hope that had been more alive in the last five minutes than in the last fifteen years, and forced a smile.
“On that note,” he said, grabbing his suitcase by its frayed handle.
“I might hitch a ride with him. Better than paying for the bus.”
He headed for the door, heart in his throat.
“Felix,” Jacob croaked.
Felix whirled. His hands were shaking, which was embarrassing. He clenched them around the suitcase handle, hoping Jacob didn’t notice.
Jacob’s mouth opened and closed. A hundred terrifying possibilities ran through Felix’s head.
Finally, Jacob straightened. He smoothed his hair down and cleared his throat in that specific way he did before he knew he was about to encounter his parents.
“See you at dinner,” Jacob said.