Chapter 38
Hard Punches there were no whispers in my ear that led to intense throbbing deep in my stomach.
I mean, I thought about it. When his hands would make contact with my body, I wanted more.
I craved his eyes on me, and his hands roaming my body, but that’s not what I’m doing here.
I am training to defend myself, not training in getting dicked down and how to reach incredible orgasms.
Instead, he is soft. Where his takedowns were once forceful, making me work for my strength, now they are restrained. When he blocks, they are tame instead of intense; something was holding him back.
Whipping around, I leave my side wide open for an easy hit, and nothing. He didn’t take the open shot; instead, he waited for me to strike. “Spencer! What the hell?” I stomp my foot into the ground and cross my arms.
He turns in a circle, running his hands back across the sides of his freshly cut hair. He looks incredibly handsome with his new haircut, and so hot and flushed. “Come on, let's just keep going?” He stands in his fighting stance.
“No.” I stand with my feet planted on the ground. “Not until you tell me why you're holding back. You never hold back from me. Ever. So why now?” He drops his head and kicks the dirt.
He clears his throat, as I watch his eyes dart between mine. “I don’t want to hurt you, or—” He stops and walks a step closer.
Curiosity courses through me. “Spencer, we have been training for months. Months, and you’ve never feared hurting me before. Because you wouldn't, and I trust that. I trust you. So why are you reluctant now? What happened?”
“I would never hurt you, but being with you, acting out violence, it just—” He takes a deep breath. For the love of God, spit out.
I walk over to him now, toe to toe, watching him tentatively, waiting for something to give away the words he isn’t saying. “Tell me why you feel that way?” Did he see Levi today? Does he suspect something? Spencer grabs my hands and holds them tightly.
“Levi told me, everything…” He drops his head as his eyes drown in held-back tears.
“He told me what Grant did, or does. I’m freaking out here, Scar.
All this time, I have been right next door.
All this time, I could have been saving you; instead, you’ve had ‘the flu’ a lot, while Levi is ‘hungover’ and can’t hang out.
All this time.” He shakes his head. “I won’t touch you like he does.
” I can feel Spencer's anger, the way his words slice through him, disgusted, lost, and hurt.
I did that to him. I lied to the one person who has done nothing but give me gratitude and love.
I grab his hands back. “I’m sorry we kept it a secret, but please understand this secret runs deep.
It has been inked into our souls never to tell.
I wanted to tell you so many times, I wanted to run to you, but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t risk you getting caught up in this mess of uncertainty and control.
All the time we have trained, you have never touched me the way he does.
Even when you allow yourself to be forceful and give me what I need, you do it out of love, Spencer.
You do it to help me grow in strength. You don’t leave marks or bruises; you don’t break the skin.
You don’t do it to hurt me. You do it to save me, to encourage me, make me stronger and wiser. ”
“I just found out that the girl I love gets beaten, and now she is standing here telling me not to hold back.” Frustration overwhelms him as he turns away for a moment.
Before he can say anything, I stop him. “I can’t have you look at me like that.
I’m trying to get stronger so I can fight this battle, and you have been amazing in helping me do that.
But now, you see me as fragile. How are you going to challenge me when you're scared you're going to break me?” I can feel my heart beating faster, as anger starts to fume.
“Stop standing there and looking at me like I'm weak!” Shit, I just yelled at him.
He shakes his head. His sad eyes look into mine, stepping back into my bubble.
His soft hands grasp the side of my face, holding me gently.
I can feel his mint breath on my face, deep, heavy breaths falling over me, craving his taste.
“You have it so wrong, Beauty Queen. I just found out the woman I love gets beaten, so forgive me if I need a moment to look at you and wonder how the fuck I never saw it. This is not pity in my eyes; I’m looking at you as the strongest person in the world.
I am looking at you, wondering how you don’t already believe you are strong enough.
Baby, when I look at you, I see a formidable woman.
The magnitude of your strength is never-ending.
I do not think you are weak; you are brave.
You have always been a warrior, baby; you’ve just needed new armor to block the hits.
I am ready, Beauty Queen, I am ready to take you down, with the hope that you rise so fucking strong that looking at you fucking terrifies him.
Let’s build you up so you can fucking fight back, because if I see another bruise, or the smallest fucking mark, I’ll kill him.
” His lips form a tight line, and I believe him.
The fury spiraling within him is evident; his heart thuds, and his hands shake as he holds me.
“Sack up, Spence. This Beauty Queen came to get dirty.” He smiles and shakes his head.
“Let’s fucking do this.” We get into position, and he smirks, “Do we need a safe word orrr?” I can’t help but laugh hysterically.
“Only if you need one, handsome.” I lift my hands and strike his ribs, making contact as he leaves his left side open.
“Oh, we got a funny girl, huh. Funny words and cheap shots. Arms up because I’m coming, baby.” He goes to land a hit, and I double block him. A smirk falls across his face.
“You wish.” I go to kick him, and he blocks it, pulling my leg into him, trying to take me down until I spin out of his hold and aim for a headshot. He ducks and bites his lip.
“Well, love, since I can't release this frustration while being balls deep inside you, taking you down will have to do.” Out of breath, he circles me, lunging forward, tripping me, and taking me to the ground.
I quickly grab his arm above his head, locking my legs around his neck and squeezing him with my thighs.
I lock eyes with him, and he taps my arm.
“Nice work, Queen Boudicca, shit.” I lay in the grass catching my breath, before he rolls over on top of me, pinning me to the ground.
“Never leave yourself open; always ensure your opponent is out, because he could trick you.” He leans over and kisses my nose.
“Let's go, warrior, before I go back on my deal and rip your clothes off right here. My dick wants to celebrate your victory right now.” I laugh and jump up, still partly winded.
I hop in his driver's seat as he throws the bags in the back. “What are you doing?” I smirk and hold my hand out for the keys.
“I won, I thought, since I can’t have the thrill of riding your dick, I'll settle for driving your truck.” I smile as wide as I can, showing how proud I am of myself.
He leans against his truck and holds the keys out. “She’s my baby.” I shake my head, taking the keys from his fingers.
“Hmm, I thought I was your baby? Get in, handsome.” He walks around the truck and jumps into the passenger seat.
“You are my baby, and soon you'll be my girlfriend, and then maybe just maybe one day my wife.” He winks at me as I buckle up.
“Wow, there, Casanova, let's slow your roll and get through today, yeah?” He winks at me again, smirking while turning on some music.
“Yeah, take your time, I’ll be here when you're ready. Training partner, friend, boyfriend, fuck buddy, husband. You name it, I can be it.” He lights a cigarette, smiling while he rolls down his window, so happy with himself.
“Let me try.” I hold out my hand, watching his eyes grow.
He smirks. “Abso-fuckin-lutley not. You are taking this warrior queen thing to one hundred real quick. Next, you're going to be wiping blood on your first kill. Settle down, you’re freaking me out.” He laughs at his joke before taking a drag.
“Are you adding Dad to your list?” He slides his eyes to mine, giving me a devilish look.
“Daddy would be alright, I don’t love it, but if you need some weird daddy kink shit, I’d be happy to oblige.” Shaking my head at his comment, I sped out of the parking lot.
“You know what, never mind. Let's just stop talking.” I turn up the music, and we drive home in the silence of happiness and truth. The feeling of truth is powerful, light, and fulfilling. I can look at Spencer without fearing his gaze. I can stare into his eyes without fear of what he may find; he sees me, all of me. My weaknesses, strengths, and truths. He knows everything, and he is still here. He is not leaving, and I have never had anyone stay, except Levi. Having someone stay by choice is different; it’s everything.
Today is the first day of therapy. School went so slowly because my mind was running in a loop of all the questions she could ask, wondering if I should be honest with her.