Chapter 38
ERIN
Both Erin and Martha watched Clare drive away and it was as if a lifeline had been severed.
Even as Erin thought it, she knew it to be ridiculous.
They’d only just met the woman. Yes, she happened to share a name with Erin’s mother but that was it.
Erin gulped and then took a long breath in, followed by an even longer breath out.
She would be just fine; she just needed to remember what Clare had told her.
Then the tracker went off in Erin’s bag and she scrambled for it.
Welcome to St John’s and the finish line. By any means possible, get to Cape Spear Lighthouse
‘Right,’ Erin said, pulling herself together. ‘We need to get moving, Na—Martha, I mean.’
‘Yes,’ Martha said. ‘We need to ask.’
Erin looked around and there were many people in the part of town Clare had dropped them in.
She just had to pick someone to help them.
Within a few minutes they found out that Cape Spear Lighthouse was very much out of town.
It shouldn’t have come as such a surprise not to be able to walk or run to it, but there it was. Another lift was needed.
‘A taxi,’ Martha shouted. ‘We need a bloody taxi. There is no need to be frugal now.’
It took them another ten minutes to find a taxi that could take them to the coast, and they piled in with Noah who looked just as frantic as them.
The journey seemed to take forever but was actually only twenty minutes.
The driver took them out of town onto now familiar Canadian roads, lined with fir trees.
Gone were the huge mountains of British Columbia and the prairies of Alberta and Saskatchewan, the iced sea of Hudson Bay and the lakes of Ontario.
No one said a word but Erin’s mind was buzzing with the what ifs.
These last, goodness knows how many days had all led to this moment.
‘I think I can see the sea,’ Martha said from the front seat.
Erin craned forwards but the cloud was so low-lying, she couldn’t tell if it was that she was seeing, or water. But as they got closer, she saw it was clearly the ocean.
Then they saw a sign for Cape Spear. They were here.
‘Where do you want to be dropped off?’ the driver asked them just as the tracker beeped in Erin’s hand. She was holding onto it so tightly it was sweaty to her touch.
Proceed to Cape Spear Lighthouse
Erin read it out and the driver said he would drop them in the car park.
A minute later, that was exactly what he did.
They all climbed out and Erin and Martha put on their backpacks while they got their bearings.
Cally’s car was already there and waiting but there were no other contestants or producers’ cars.
Perhaps they were first, Erin thought, or perhaps they were last and everyone else had moved on to the after party.
They could see the lighthouse above them and it was up a number of steps. Erin set off at quite a pace across the car park.
‘This is it,’ she said. ‘Come on, Martha, let’s go.’
Erin was almost at the toilet block at the bottom of the steps when she realised that Martha wasn’t behind her. The taxi had gone and Noah was halfway between the two women. Was her nana ill or hurt? Erin ran back over to her grandmother.
‘Nana, what’s wrong? We need to go. We’re almost there.’
Martha was frantically rummaging in her bag.
‘It’s not here,’ she said. ‘I think I left my Anne of Green Gables book in Clare’s car.’
‘It doesn’t matter, I’ll buy you another one,’ Erin said. ‘We can talk about it later.’
‘It does matter, though, Erin. God, it matters so much.’ Martha was looking agitated now. ‘It was a sign, her being called Clare, I mean. I was supposed to talk to her about our Clare and I didn’t get the opportunity. It was a connection and it’s been severed.’
‘What?’ Erin said, although hadn’t that been exactly what she had thought when she’d got out of the car in town. ‘What are you talking about? Why would you need to talk to her about Mum?’
‘Because it felt important. She had saved our race, had come to our rescue and it was just what Clare would have done if she could have.’
‘Oh, Nana,’ Erin said, and let her rucksack slide off her back. ‘Mum can’t save us now. We have to save ourselves. Clare in the car was lovely, but she was just a nice woman with the same name as your daughter, as my mum.’
Erin could feel tears falling now and she was powerless to stop them. To see her grandmother so defeated was heartbreaking.
‘I’m so sorry, Erin,’ she said. ‘It’s just that I have regrets and it’s not always easy to live with that. If I get any sort of sign, it can be a little overwhelming. I know it must seem as if I hold it together most of the time, but I can’t always.’
‘What do you regret, Nana?’ Erin said taking her grandmother’s hand. She noticed that Noah had politely dropped the camera and stepped away.
‘Not realising she was ill, or not realising how ill she actually was. She mentioned a couple of early symptoms and I suggested paracetamol and an early night, for goodness’ sake.’
‘It’s what anyone would have recommended to start with,’ said Erin, wiping a hand across her cheeks to push the tears away. ‘It was all out of Mum’s control and it was certainly out of yours.’
‘I know that, and yet…’ Martha let out a shuddering breath and looked as if she were letting the emotional wave pass over her, as if she were coming out the other side.
‘I have regrets too,’ Erin said. ‘And I think it’s a defence mechanism, you know.
Me not talking about her, I mean. If I think that she wasn’t the best mum, then I won’t miss her that much, which is easier to cope with, but it’s not true.
I miss her all the time. And the thing is, I keep wondering where she is.
I don’t mean is there a heaven or anything like that but really, where is my mum?
How can she have just disappeared? I think it’s why I’ve been so reluctant to scatter her ashes because it’s literally all we have left of her.
But that’s selfish, isn’t it? Mum would absolutely hate to be stuck in a box. ’
‘Yes, love, I think she would. But it’s so important to scatter them at the right time. There is no rush and no pressure. I’m sorry if I made you feel as if there was. You don’t want to say goodbye before you’re ready, I can see that.’
Martha pulled Erin in close and hugged her tightly.
‘When you talk about her it just makes me realise how little I bothered to get to know her. I know you want to remember her and keep her alive in everyone’s hearts, but I find it difficult to hear,’ Erin said.
‘She’ll never be gone if we keep talking about her. If we don’t, then she really does disappear,’ Martha said. ‘It’s up to us to do that because no one else will.’
‘It’s so hard,’ Erin said.
‘It gets easier. And then you have a little wobble, like I just did. Then you take a breath and carry on.’
Erin gently pulled away and took a breath.
‘When we get back we should do it, Nana. We should say goodbye and get that bench made. I think it’s time, and then maybe I can start remembering her in a better way.’
‘I think that sounds like a good idea,’ said Martha.
‘But right now, I think we have to get moving,’ Erin said, looking over her shoulder into the car park. There were other cars pulling up now. She grabbed her rucksack and hoisted it onto her back, and then they both took off at a run to the bottom of the steps.
They had to slow to a walking pace the further up the steps they got. Martha was struggling and Erin couldn’t run on without her.
‘I’m fine now, Erin,’ Martha said. ‘I mean, I’m exhausted and sweaty but I’m fine. I’m sorry, love. I lost it for a bit back there.’
‘Me too, but we’re good. We’re together and we’re good,’ Erin said. ‘And we can order another copy of the book, maybe get one sent from the gift shop, the same as the one Cally bought you.’
‘No, it doesn’t matter, not really. I made a connection that wasn’t there. I’m okay now, I promise.’