17. Elias
Elias barely slept. He tossed and turned every night for days thinking about the possibility of being a father. He’d never even owned a goldfish, so how could he be a parent? He didn’t have plants in his house because he never remembered to water them. How much more responsibility was a child?
But despite all that… he still wanted Kate’s baby. Their baby. And he wanted to be involved.
He flip-flopped so much on the issue, he was dizzy.
He sat back from the sculpture he was working on and pulled off his welding helmet. Usually, working on a piece helped him focus, but not today… not for the last five days. At this point, the sculpture was a mess and almost a perfect visualisation of how his brain felt.
He wished he had a friend to talk to. Kate had suggested a lawyer, but Elias was hesitant to see one before he’d sorted it out in his own head. In the past he would have gone to Levi to talk things out, but he’d been avoiding both Levi’s and Alexis’ calls since the disastrous dinner party.
If they didn’t know there was something going on—or that something had gone on—between him and Kate before, they did now.
‘So, this is where you’re hiding?’
Elias turned to see Theo standing in the workshop looking around with a faint expression of disgust. He couldn’t blame him. Theo was in pristine white pants, and any false move would mar them with metal dust or grease or any number of things. He was surprised Theo even stepped into the space.
‘Not hiding. Working.’
Theo examined the unfinished sculpture. ‘It looks like a garbage truck dumped a pile of rubbish on your floor.’
‘Fuck off.’ He wasn’t wrong, but no artist wanted to hear criticism of a piece that was unfinished, even if they knew it was bad.
‘What gives?’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Bullshit.’
Elias turned off the welder and walked over to Theo. He looked genuinely concerned about him, and Elias wondered if he could trust him enough to tell him what was going on. Of course he could trust Theo; he just didn’t know if he could trust him not to tell Levi.
‘It’s… complicated.’
‘How about I uncomplicate it for you? You slept with Kate.’
Elias knew that what happened at dinner the other night would be like advertising exactly what happened, but hearing it come out of Theo’s mouth was still shocking. He opened his mouth to deny it but knew it was useless. He snapped his jaw closed and nodded instead.
‘Has she been… stalking you? Wanting more when it was just a one-night-stand?’
Elias was horrified that Theo would think that. ‘No. Absolutely not.’
‘She doesn’t want more?’
‘If anyone wanted more, it would be me. But she ghosted me.’
Theo slowly raised his eyebrows in surprise. ‘You like her.’
‘I need a beer if we’re going to have this conversation,’ Elias said.
‘It’s barely ten in the morning.’
‘Pubs open at ten.’
Theo shook his head but followed Elias out of the workshop and into the break room. It was much cleaner, and after a cursory glance, Theo deemed it clean enough for him to sit. Elias went to the small fridge in the corner and pulled out a beer, offering one to Theo. He hesitated but eventually took it.
Elias flopped onto an old couch and took a long drink.
‘So… you like Kate, but she’s just not that into you?’
‘As I said, it’s complicated.’
‘She does like you?’
‘At this point, I’m not entirely sure how she feels about me. I think, at the very least, she finds me tolerable.’
‘Then walk away,’ Theo said.
Elias didn’t say anything.
‘You can’t make someone like you, regardless of how much you like them. If she’s not into it, then walk away.’
‘I would… except there’s been a development.’
Theo slowly put his untouched beer on the coffee table, his face paling. ‘She’s…’
‘Yes.’
‘And… it’s yours?’
‘Yes.’
‘How do you know?’
Elias glared at him, and Theo raised his hands in defence. ‘It’s a valid question. You said she ghosted you. You can’t be sure you’re the only possible father.’
‘I’m sure.’
‘Explain.’
‘It’s—’
‘Complicated,’ Theo finished for him with a groan. ‘How much more complicated could it get?’
Elias drank the rest of his beer in one long swallow. ‘The reason I know the baby is mine is because Kate was planning to have a baby through IVF. She was going to use a donor and raise the baby on her own. She’d been planning it for ages. Meeting me?—’
‘Sleeping with you.’
‘Sleeping with me complicated things.’
‘If she was going to have a baby anyway, without the involvement of the donor, then what is the problem?’
Elias paused for a long moment. ‘Me. I’m the problem.’
Theo quirked an eyebrow. ‘In what way?’
‘I’m not the donor she chose. The guy she chose is… smart.’
Theo scoffed. ‘I think you’re pretty smart too.’
‘Thanks for calling me pretty,’ he said, smirking at Theo.
‘As guys go, you’re not too bad. Not at my level, but, you know, you go okay.’
‘Gee, thanks, friend.’
‘But IQ isn’t everything.’
‘I know that, but it’s not the only problem.’
‘You don’t have any hereditary diseases that I’m aware of. I’m pretty sure your parents would have bred for purity.’
‘Gross. Please never mention my parents and breeding in the same sentence ever again.’
‘You’re a decent guy. You make a good living. You’re an artist. What more could she ask for?’
‘Not me,’ Elias said simply.
It was always the same, wasn’t it? Despite his achievements, he wasn’t good enough. Not with his family, and now not to be the father of Kate’s baby. It was his lot in life; to always fall short.
Theo was quiet while he studied Elias. ‘How do you feel about potentially being a father?’
‘That’s the million-dollar question. I don’t know. On one hand, it scares the shit out of me. I mean, look at the complete fuck-up of a father I had. Why would I intentionally inflict the possibility of that on another human being?’
‘Okay, well, you and your father are different people. Anyone can see that. Besides, if you’re looking for a role model, I think Levi would be the person who had the most influence in your life. Wouldn’t you agree? And as brothers go, he’s a pretty decent one—and a damn good substitute father.’
‘Yeah,’ Elias said.
He had to admit it was the truth. Elias barely knew Rupert, his birth father. The guy was practically a wax figure, or a marionette controlled by Catherine. Whenever Elias needed anything, he’d always gone to Levi. Levi was the one who’d raised him, in reality. Not his parents.
‘But you said that was only the first thing. What’s the other thing? What else are you feeling?’
‘That… maybe… I… want… to… be… a… dad.’ He said it slowly. He’d thought it so many times, but saying it out loud was different, somehow. It made it more real.
The silence was loud.
‘You’re right,’ Elias said, standing up to get himself another beer. ‘I have no right to even consider being a father. I’m a total fuck-up, and the last thing a kid needs in their life is someone like me?—’
Theo stood and put a hand on his shoulder, turning him so they faced one another.
‘You are not a fuck-up,’ he said, enunciating the words carefully. ‘No one is perfect. We all have our faults, and yeah, sometimes we inflict those faults onto one another and our children. But there is not one good parent out there who wouldn’t say that at times, they’ve felt like they’re failing their kids. It means they care. I think you could be one hell of a dad… if you want to be. You have a choice in what kind of parent you will be. It isn’t automatic. It’s not genetic like blonde hair or brown eyes. It’s up to you what kind of father you want to be.’
Elias blinked at Theo. Was it that simple? Of course it wasn’t but Theo made it sound like it was. He just had to choose to be a better father than his own had been. Simple.
Ha!
‘You’re kidding yourself if you think it’s that simple.’
‘I never said it would be simple. Nothing about being a parent is simple, and you will fuck up. Everyone does. But it still comes down to the choices you make. Mistakes are inevitable. It’s how you pick yourself up after the mistake that determines who you become.’
Elias didn’t think he’d ever had such a deep conversation with Theo before. He knew there was more to his friend than the perfect image he portrayed, but this hinted at levels that Elias had never considered.
‘You know Levi is going to flip-the-fuck-out,’ Theo said and then slapped him on the shoulder.
‘You cannot, under any circumstances, tell Levi about this. At least not until Kate has decided what she’s going to do, and then it will be up to her to tell or not tell whoever she wants.’
‘Dude. I know. So… what are you going to do?’
‘Right now, the ball’s in Kate’s court. She needs to decide if she’s going to go ahead with the pregnancy. I’ve already told her if she wants to keep the baby, I wouldn’t oppose it. If she keeps it, then I need to decide how much, if any, involvement I want.’
‘I think you’ve already made that decision.’
‘Yeah,’ Elias said with a harsh exhale. ‘I think I have too.’