Chapter 6 #3
“Yay!” Savannah exclaims, then leans her head against Lee’s beefy shoulder.
I grab my phone and take a quick photo, wanting to capture this moment forever.
The two of them have always shared a special bond.
Savannah loves Beau, but not like she loves Lee.
I never understood why Danica didn’t take to Lee much—everyone loves Lee—but maybe she saw how much Savannah and I love Lee from the start.
I think the two of us were always made to love him.
I’m just sad it took me so long to realize.
“Are you ready?” Lee asks while setting Savannah down.
Savannah does a few jumps with wide gleeful eyes. “Yes! Show me!”
Lee shoots me a crooked grin over his shoulder just before pushing open the door of the large cage.
That’s the moment I know I’m too far gone.
My heart soars into the sky at the sight of his smile, at his gentle grip on Savannah’s tiny hand.
I have to find a way to keep him, to make him believe he can be mine, that we can be each other’s.
I don’t think I can go too much longer without knowing what his lips taste like when he smiles.
I’ve never needed anyone so badly in my life.
“A bunny!” Savannah shouts before falling to her knees. She gently pets the bunny a few times, then looks up at Lee with happy tears in her eyes. “I love him.”
“Good, ’cause he’s yours. Not to put you on the spot, sweetheart, but he needs a name.”
“I get to name him?” Savannah asks, voice small and disbelieving.
“Of course.” Lee carefully kneels beside her, hay sticking to his legs. “He’s your baby, so you gotta name him. Isn’t he soft?”
“So soft. Daddy, come feel.”
I join them in the small cage, dipping down to my knees to pet the soft fur of the happy-looking bunny. He squirms in Savannah’s arms, not to get away, but to get closer to her. His little whiskers move a million miles a minute as he sniffs her.
“Buster,” Savannah says with a firm nod, as if that’s that. “Doesn’t he seem like a Buster?”
“Oh, definitely,” Lee agrees without an ounce of teasing. “Definitely a Buster.”
“Buster,” I reaffirm, just to make sure we’re all on the same page. “A very good name for a very good bunny.”
“I love him so much,” Savannah murmurs before burying her face in his fur.
I take a few pictures of her with Buster, making sure Lee is in the photos as well.
He looks good today, except for the bags under his eyes.
Dressed in worn blue jeans and an old T-shirt, he looks like he just came from the farm, even though I know today is his day off as well because the farm is closed on Wednesdays.
It takes numerous bribes to get Savannah to let Buster go so that he can settle in for the evening.
I know that him sleeping outside won’t stay a thing forever.
At some point, she’ll want him inside and in her room, but I’m not ready for a bunny in my house.
Plus, Buster belongs at the farm. But I’m starting to wonder if Savannah and I might belong at the farm too.
On the walk back to the house, Savannah finds a dandelion and grabs it, smiling happily as she blows on it for her wish.
I watch with my heart in my throat as Lee gently rests a hand on her curled head when she’s done.
“Did you make a good wish?” Lee asks.
“The only wish I want,” Savannah tells him.
“Keep wishin’, sweetheart. It’ll come true one day.”
Savannah kicks the dirt with a frown. “Maybe.”
Lee frowns but glances away before I can see any other expression. I have a feeling I know exactly what her wish was, and I know that he knows as well. I’ve got to fix this.
I head to the car to grab dinner, while Savannah follows Lee into the house.
I learned a long time ago, if we want to have dinner at the farm, I’ve got to bring it with me.
Lee never has anything in his fridge despite remodeling his kitchen into a chef’s kitchen a little while ago.
I stomp my feet on the mat at the back door before heading inside.
The sight that greets me freezes me in my tracks.
Savannah has tears in her eyes while Lee murmurs something to her again, her hands cupped between his big palms. It’s reminiscent of that night at the dining table last month, when Savannah had asked why Lee couldn’t be part of our family. Why he couldn’t be a Rossi.
Lee looks over at me, smiles weakly, then whispers a quick “I love you” to Savannah before standing. “Can you talk real quick?” Lee asks, question obviously pointed at me.
Fuck.
“Yeah, let me just put this in the oven to warm.” I feel nauseated as I put the chicken-sausage-and-rice meal into the oven. Hands shaking, mouth cottony, I walk into the living room to find Savannah watching television, Lee standing at the edge of the room waiting for me.
Without a word, he turns and heads toward his room. I follow him like a moth to lamplight. When the door shuts behind me, it sounds like a guillotine falling.
“What’s wrong? What did she say?”
Lee tiredly rubs his face, eyes averted from me. “She’s been talking the past few months about wanting me to be her other dad.”
“Oh.”
“I think you need to talk to her about it. I keep telling her… I keep saying that it’s not—” Lee pauses, winces, and swallows hard. “She needs to hear you say it’s never going to happen.”
“Okay,” I say softly. But it could, I want to say, but it’s not the right time. Not with Savannah here. Not when Lee is convinced that’s a future that could never come true.
“I think that maybe, for the time being, it would be best if we didn’t see each other as much.”
My world crumbles around me. I step to the side to press my hand to Lee’s dresser, because if I don’t, I fear I might fall to the ground.
No. No, I won’t do this again. I see it clearly now.
Every time his heart feels too fragile, every time he feels like I can never love him in return, he distances himself from me.
And every time, his absence aches like an organ was removed from my body without my permission.
I think Lee carries my heart with him wherever he goes—and has for years—but I never understood what that absence of him in my life meant.
“Lee, no, we can—”
“I think it’s for the best,” Lee says with finality. “It’s hurting Savannah.”
“Is it hurting you too?” I ask before I can stop myself.
Lee goes eerily still. “What does that mean?” Lee whispers.
“Is the way we’re living now… hurting you? Am I hurting you?”
Lee swallows hard, eyes finally meeting mine as he utters, “Yes.”
Fuck me.
I nod too quickly, feeling like I might vomit.
I desperately have to fix this. I take a step toward him, but Lee takes a large step back, which tells me exactly what I need to know.
He’s closed off. Nothing I say right now will mean a thing to him.
I could shout from the highest mountain that I’m in love with him, and he’d run with his tail tucked between his legs.
Instead of pulling him into my arms like I want to do, I lift my arms up in surrender and take a step back.
Lee visibly relaxes and nods his thanks.
Although I’ve always tried to show my love for him physically, I know there’s a limit.
“Let’s eat dinner, then we’ll go,” I say into the darkness of Lee’s bedroom.
The room smells like him. Like sunshine and happiness and every pleasant memory in my head. His bed is haphazardly made, which is unlike him. The bags beneath his eyes, the tired smile… There’s something else going on that he doesn’t want to tell me, but I can’t force it out of him.
I head into the kitchen without looking back.
The sound of his footfalls reaches me, but only distantly, since he doesn’t join me.
He must have gone to the living room with Savannah.
Dinner is a quiet and subdued affair, none of us as talkative or happy as we were just an hour ago as we welcomed Buster into the family.
And maybe that’s the entire problem. We’re living this life like we’re a family, but I’ve kept Lee so carefully at bay for so many years that all of us are confused.
A reckoning is coming, and I’m not ready to pay the price.
So, I’ve got to find a way to pay the cost while simultaneously keeping Lee, which means baring every truth to him and hoping he accepts it.