Chapter 6 #2
He swallows hard and his eyes fill with tears.
I don’t think twice—don’t even give myself a moment—before I’m out of my seat, on my knees in front of him and tugging him into my arms. He collapses like he always does, like his ultimate comfort is being held by me.
I’ve always felt pretty special because he doesn’t even have this sort of physical comfort with Beau, although they can be physically affectionate when they give themselves permission.
I curl my fingers into the hairs at the base of Lee’s head, noticing for the first time he made good on that promise to get a haircut in the city.
He’s distancing himself from me and I’m starting to understand why, I think.
I’ve probably been slowly breaking his heart for over a decade.
“Do you want me to sleep over?” I ask quietly into the fluff of his hair.
Lee shakes his head profusely. “Nah. I’m fine. Thanks for bringing over the cheesecake.”
Ah, there’s the familiar dismissal when things get a little too emotional.
I press a kiss to his forehead and stand up, feeling a little dizzy with all the thoughts running through my head.
Or maybe it’s just from being close to him but not being able to say all the words I so badly want to say.
His eyelashes are wet with tears, but he smiles up at me still. Typical Lee.
“I love you,” I say quietly.
Lee’s face crumbles for only a moment before that familiar mask is back in place. “I love you too.”
I gather up the Tupperware containers, then head toward my car without looking back. I have to sort myself out before I say anything remotely in the vicinity of I’m in love with you to Lee. I have to say it to myself a few more times first.
Instead of driving home, I drive to Beau’s place.
My car kicks up dust in the dark, but Beau’s lights are still on, which is promising at least. My heart races and my chest feels too small for all my organs as I knock on his front door.
Only a few seconds pass before a shirtless Beau, dressed in only a pair of basketball shorts, answers the front door.
His eyes immediately go from angry to concerned at the sight of me.
“Joey?”
“I think I’m in love with Lee!” I shout because I am at the end of my rope.
Beau blinks.
I blink back.
“Well, that only took twenty years,” Trevor calls out from the living room.
Beau sighs deeply, grabs my arm, and tugs me into the house.
The place smells like banana bread and coconut candles, which is an odd combination, but it sort of works.
Trevor is snuggled into the corner of the couch with his hair in a messy bun, in what looks like Beau’s T-shirt, and very obvious beard burn on his neck.
“I interrupted something,” I say awkwardly.
Trevor stares back. “I think your little breakdown is more important than a make-out session before bed.”
I look over at Beau only to see him shrug and settle beside Trevor on the couch.
I collapse into the recliner in the corner, needing the comfort of the rocking to ease away the tension falling over me like a weighted blanket.
Trevor whispers something to Beau before standing in a graceful sway of limbs.
His legs are bare but for the glimpse of his boxer briefs just under the hem of his shirt.
I look back toward Beau to find him leaning against the sofa, arms crossed over his broad chest, eyes oddly narrowed.
“What makes you think you’re in love with Lee?”
“Uh, ’cause I want to kiss him.”
“And what else?”
“I want to hold him as he sleeps and I want Savannah to call him dad, not Unc-Lee.”
“Well, fuck.” Beau rubs his face with one hand, looking bone weary and tired. “If you tell him, he won’t believe you.”
“Obviously. That’s why I’m here.”
We sit in silence until Trevor returns with a mug in each of his hands.
He holds one of the mugs out for me, and I take it with a grateful smile.
It’s a fragrant-smelling sweet tea, probably something he bought from Ms. Bitty at the tea shop downtown.
Maybe a little bit of marigold actually.
The warmth of the cup bleeds into my hands as I watch Trevor hand the other mug to Beau.
“Want me to leave?” Trevor asks, no anger in his voice.
I shake my head. “You can stay.”
Trevor smiles softly as he rejoins Beau back on the couch, tucking his feet under Beau’s thick thighs.
It kind of feels like being with my parents in a way.
The sounds of the forest behind Beau’s house float in through the open sliding glass door.
All the tension melts away as I lean back in the recliner, cradling the mug of tea to my chest.
“How long has Lee been in love with me?” I ask, eyes staring unseeing down into the fragrant tea.
“That’s for Lee to answer, not me,” Beau says diplomatically.
“How long have I been in love with him?”
“Ah, you’re asking the wrong questions, Joey. Maybe ask how I think you can work this all out?”
“So?” I ask hopefully, because maybe Beau has the key to it all.
“I think Lee is a wild horse always ready to run, even though he seems tamed. Good horses return home though, right?” Beau glances over at Trevor with a secret smile, his hand settling on Trevor’s ankle. “He won’t believe you when you tell him.”
“I know. I’ve never… I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever in my life. I thought this was just, I don’t know, best friendship. But I can tell you I have never wanted to hold you as you slept just to keep all the nightmares at bay.” Beau laughs as I shrug. “Sorry, Beau.”
“How long have you had those sorts of thoughts?” Trevor asks, his gaze assessing and firm.
“Probably twenty years,” I answer truthfully.
“Idiots,” Trevor says with a snort. “So what’s the move now?”
I take a sip of the tea, closing my eyes to settle and ground myself. “I have to do this right to not lose him forever.”
Beau makes a noise in the back of his throat, making me look up at him. He nods his agreement before skewering me with his look that’s always said don’t fuck up, kid. “You’ve already proved to him that you love him. Now you have to prove to him that you’ll love him forever.”
And isn’t that the truth of it all.
The car line is endless on early release days.
I slowly make my way forward, only vaguely listening to the sports talk on the radio.
I wave at the teachers as I pull up to the curb.
Savannah appears from the cafeteria, all grins as she sprints toward the car, her backpack swinging to and fro behind her.
A teacher opens the door for her, and she climbs into the back seat, babbling about her day as she buckles herself into the booster seat.
“Daddy, you will not believe what happened today. Johnny ate his booger! It was disgusting. I told him that we had to break up if he eats another booger. He got mad and ate another booger. So we broke up.”
I lose track of her boyfriends, but I make a commiserating sound while navigating out of the school parking lot. “Well, you stick to your guns on that one, kiddo. You want a partner who will listen to you.”
“Like Unc-Lee listens to you?”
I’m going to barf. “Well, uh, not exactly like that.”
“But he’s your partner.”
“He’s my best friend,” I say delicately in hopes of avoiding a full-blown meltdown.
Savannah goes quiet, and when I glance in the rearview mirror, she’s staring out the window like a heartbroken girl from a 2000s music video. I’d feel bad if it wasn’t so adorable.
“I have a surprise for you,” I tell her once we’re on the county road heading away from town
She perks up. “Yeah?”
“There’s a surprise for you at the farm.”
Savannah whoops and wiggles in her seat, all sadness from a few moments ago forgotten.
I open the moonroof on the SUV to make the wind whip through Savannah’s curls.
Her smile blows wide and my heart settles a little at the sight.
The next best thing will be seeing Lee’s smile right beside hers.
I think back to the conversation I had with Beau and Trevor the other night.
I feel like I’ve waited decades to get to the point I am now without even realizing it.
When I pull into the driveway at Lee’s farm, it feels like coming home.
But home settles in when Lee comes out of the house with a wide grin, cupping his hand around his eyes so that he can see Savannah more clearly as she jumps out of the car without waiting for me.
She runs full sprint toward him and he grabs her around the middle, both of them laughing while he swings her around.
They’re whispering to each other on my approach, smiles wide and delighted.
I can’t help but close the space between us three to wrap them up in my arms. Lee jerks a little but seems to settle into the hug after a few moments.
He smells like freshly mown grass and strawberries, probably because he was snacking on some before we arrived.
His beard rubs against my cheek, forcing a shiver out of me.
“What’s the hug for?” Lee murmurs in my ear.
I sigh against his neck. “I missed you, that’s all.”
“I missed you too, Unc-Lee,” Savannah chimes in, effectively breaking the moment.
I let them go and smile as best I can. Lee sends me one of those confused looks that only makes me want to kiss him more. Lee easily tucks Savannah against his side and carries her back toward the goats.
“Do you think we can camp again this summer?” Savannah asks, fingers playing with Lee’s beard.
He chuckles softly. “Whatever you want, sweetheart. If Daddy says it’s okay.”
Savannah looks at me over her shoulder expectantly. “I can camp with Unc-Lee again this summer, right?”
“Yeah, if I can come too again.”