Chapter 86 Maureen
Maureen
I failed as a mother. I can make a lot of excuses, but both my daughters deserved better.
For years, I convinced myself that I was the one who had made the sacrifice and lost my marriage as a result.
I adored Doug, not because of the life he gave me, although that was beyond my wildest dreams, but because he was a good and decent man.
I wonder now why we bickered so much. It was always about silly, inconsequential things. And I had betrayed him.
I bumped into Kenny Carter coming out of a grocery store when a bag split and my groceries went everywhere.
He was the person who helped me chase down the tomatoes and the pineapple.
He was Brad Pitt beautiful, and I think he knew it.
That day he invited me for coffee and, stupidly, I went.
I was so bored by then. My kids were growing up.
I was losing my purpose and here was this beautiful younger man who let me know he wanted me.
I used Bible Camp as an excuse to see him.
He was a paramedic, and I offered him some work teaching first aid to groups of kids and he agreed.
Afterwards, we got lunch together, and then a few times we went back to his tiny apartment and had disappointing sex.
Our affair was short-lived. When I realized Ruby was going to be in his group that day, I asked him to be especially nice to her.
She was finding it difficult growing up in the shadow of her sister, who was beautiful and brilliant in every way.
Kenny and I slept together three times. I felt terribly guilty for cheating on Doug and shortly after that I called a halt to the affair. There was something sleazy about the way he talked about women, but it was the guilt that stopped me.
At the time, when Ruby told me what she’d done and then what Kenny had done, I panicked.
I called Kenny up and screamed down the phone at him.
He didn’t give a shit. He knew all about the court case.
He knew that Ruby was no virgin and he told me triumphantly as if he’d played some mean-boy trick on me.
I felt such disgust with myself. He wasn’t going to the cops with that, though, he knew how it would make him look. I could hear his smirk down the phone.
I did not use the situation to get back to Dublin as Erin has accused me of doing, but I had to get us out of Boston fast. I had seen her name graffitied on walls in South Boston, and Dublin was the only other place I knew.
Although the media never released her name, too many people in Boston knew: her friends, her school, some of Doug’s congregation, Milo’s friends and family, and Kenny Carter.
I prayed for Milo every night. I found a charity that anonymously sends packages to prisoners: new underwear, socks, hygiene products, sweets, books, craft sets of aeroplane models – they have a menu. I sent him a parcel once a month for thirteen years.
It was naive to think that Doug would follow me to Dublin.
Maybe he didn’t love me as much as I loved him, but I think the church always came first with him.
When I look back, I can’t see how I ever thought he would be able to start a church or a business in Dublin where the rules were so different.
Desperation made me hope there was a chance.
I thought that love would keep us together.
I could not believe that he wanted a divorce.
Divorce was only legalized in Ireland in 1996.
It was still shameful to me. I buried myself in activities with my old friends from schooldays, I helped in a charity shop three days a week and I volunteered in an after-school club for primary age kids, and then I got a part-time job in a school for boys.
It never crossed my mind to have a new husband or to date anyone.
I had some offers, but I never felt that spark I had with Doug.
And after Kenny Carter, I didn’t trust my own judgement around men.
When I heard that Milo’s mother, Elaine Kelly, had taken her own life, I was utterly horrified and felt entirely responsible. Ruby was devastated by that. If only I had told the truth at the time.
I am ashamed to admit that I did not notice Ruby’s drinking was getting out of hand until it was too late and she jumped into the Liffey, and my own poor mother told me I’d have to put her into some rehab facility.
But we got through it. And then, when she got pregnant, I thought the sky would fall, but I was determined that my daughter would not be treated like the girls in my day, who were locked up in convents and forced to give their babies up for adoption.
When Lucy was born, it was such a great start for everyone. That’s what I thought at the time. And when Jack married Ruby, and they formed a family, I felt she had finally settled down and the bad days were behind her.
And Erin. Poor, sweet Erin. She never did anything wrong and yet in our last call she told me I’d abandoned her back then.
That was never my intention. I visited her as often as I could, and after Doug died, I kept in touch with his sister, Rachel, who was always involved in Erin’s life.
And Doug’s new wife, Kathy, became a sort of friend too, in a way.
I heard all about Vince long before I met him.
Rachel approved, though she said Vince was maybe a little dull for Erin.
He had adult sons who were closer in age to Erin than Vince was.
The wedding was lovely, though, and the two boys were respectful.
Years later, when I saw the scar on Erin’s perfect face, I was taken aback, but she said she had fallen into a rose bush in her garden.
I was surprised that a thorn could do so much damage.
The scar faded and, by the time of Erin’s book launch, it was barely visible.
I was shocked to hear the truth about the scar.
Principal Bermingham had always been a bit odd, but when Rachel eventually told me what he had done to Erin, I was ashamed that Erin felt she couldn’t tell me.
I hadn’t been aware of the distance between us.
I wish I had known how much Erin suffered.
I feel the weight of guilt for not knowing.
But I never preferred one daughter over the other.
A mother goes to the child who needs her most. I thought that was Ruby.
She had done a terrible thing and had to live with it. I honestly thought her life was harder.
I could not have been prouder when Erin published her stories, and when they took off the way they did, I was so pleased. She has always worked so hard.
Erin has asked me not to call her. I hope she won’t cut me off forever. All I can do is try. I suppose Ruby is thinking the same thing about Lucy.
What a mess I have made of their lives. If I could turn back time I would tell Doug what Ruby had done. He wouldn’t have cared about losing clients, he would only have cared about doing the right thing.
I am going to move back to Boston. I have bought a small apartment near where we used to live on Fisher Hill. I will rejoin the congregation and try to fit in. Both of my girls need me. I need them too.