Chapter 44
MAGGIE
Jack turns off the engine.
The rain is falling now. I picture the guests at Chadders, jackets and paper plates held over their heads as they rush inside to the warmth of the home.
He doesn’t speak at first.
Mist is beginning to cling to the windows.
He had tried so hard to keep his feelings and thoughts away from me, but the truth shouting inside his mind was too loud to ignore.
I felt his desperation as he tried to block it out, but I could hear and feel his doubts, his fears, his love and his determination to make it work. He tried to push down that voice that was telling him what he could lose. All of it. Because he loves me.
Because the thing is, Jack would give it all up.
The way he feels about me is real but he’s scared of that.
He’s scared of what a life with me will look like, and he’s scared of the future, but he’s also determined.
Determined to live a life with me. To throw away all his dreams. But I can’t, and I won’t, let him give up everything that he loves and needs, for a life hiding away with me.
‘Can I come in?’ he asks.
I turn to him. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
‘Maggie’ – he looks back, hand clutching at the front of his hair – ‘we need to talk about this. It doesn’t matter that it was you that night. God, I’m glad it was you because you’re safe.’
‘Even so, this… this curse, already messed up your life. And I know you don’t blame me, but it doesn’t change the truth. And whether you want to acknowledge it or not, you know how difficult a life with me will be.’
‘We’ll find a way. I shouldn’t have tried to hide that I was worried about how difficult it might be.
From now on, I promise, I will always be honest with you.
I’ll tell you everything that is on my mind.
I should have realised— Truth. That’s the only way we can do this.
I’ll tell you the truth, as soon as I think it. ’
I don’t answer straight away, just wipe away a tear. ‘Thank you, but you can’t promise me that. There will always be things you don’t want to tell me. And that’s how it should be.’
‘I’ll figure out a way to make it work.’
‘I know how much you want to carry on seeing me, but I already know too much. You still want the life you had planned. All of it. The wedding… a family, the chain of bookshops with your name above it. But this, us… me… I can’t be a part of that life in the way you would need me to be.’
‘None if that matters if I don’t have you.’
‘You want children, Jack.’
His expression falters.
‘And I can’t… that will never be on the cards for me.’
‘We’re rushing ahead. I don’t even know if I want kids, yet.’
‘But you did… with Vicky?’
‘I guess we’d talked about it but—’
‘I will always be in the way of everything that matters to you. And I’ve taken so much from you already. Loving me? It will only cause you pain.’
‘There is always a solution.’
‘No.’ The word is barely a whisper.
‘Just, let’s slow things down, take it one step at a time.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Please don’t do this. Don’t give up on us. Relationships are hard and we might have more things to overcome than most couples but—’
‘I can’t, Jack. Not because I don’t want to… because every part of me wants you. Wants to be with you. But the longer I’m with you, the harder it’s going to be to lose you. And I will lose you, Jack.’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘Yes… yes I do. These past two months have been the happiest of my life. You’ve given me a glimpse of what real love feels like, and you will never know what that means to me.’
‘I feel the same way; I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel about you.’
‘But you will.’ I soften my voice. ‘Listen to me, Jack. I have to end it. Because… I don’t think I will be able to recover from losing you if I fall even more in love with you than I already am.’
He’s still. Processing everything I’m saying. His knuckles are white as he grips the steering wheel.
‘Do you know what is so good about romance films?’ I ask, my voice lighter as I desperately try to explain to him.
I lick my bottom lip, finding my footing with the words I need to say.
‘They give you the happy ever after without actually showing the after.’ He frowns, head pitching to the left, eyes scanning my face as I try to explain.
‘They give you the moment where the future looks happy, but they don’t show the time that passes, the arguments, the divorces.
They leave you with the good bits.’ I smile at him, tears falling freely.
‘And that’s what this is… you’ve given me the good bits and I’m so, so happy with that. ’
‘Don’t. Please don’t end it this way. We can do this; we can find a way.’
‘I don’t want you to have to find a way… Don’t you see?’
He exhales, eyes full of pain. I reach for my bag, bring it onto my lap.
‘I want you to know, that for the rest of my life, I’m going to be happy. Because I got my happy ever after – truly, I did. And if we part now, then I get to imagine how our life could have turned out, just like I do at the end of a good movie.’
I put my hand on the door handle. If I don’t go now, I might not have the strength. ‘Goodbye, Jack.’
His voice stops me pulling the handle. ‘How does it turn out?’ He has tears in his eyes, his face softening. ‘The end of the movie?’
I smile through the tears, through the heartbreak.
‘We have a wonderful life together. We go on holidays, sit in busy restaurants, go to concerts, festivals, carnivals, surrounded by people. We go to your parents’ every Friday.
I hug them hello; I play with your nieces, carry Jaz on my shoulders.
You propose and I go on a hen night to Vegas with all of my friends.
We get married and have a huge wedding, so many guests that the dance floor is full. ’
‘Do we have a special wedding dance?’ he asks, voice raw.
‘Of course. We go to rehearsals and everyone claps and is amazed at our skills. We have children, a boy and a girl. You sometimes take them to work with you. They love to hear you tell them stories, and you let them choose their favourite books to go in the windows. At Christmas, we stay up late wrapping presents. I burn the turkey, but it doesn’t matter because our house is filled with friends and family. ’
‘We can have all of that.’ He smiles, his face eager. ‘We just need to…’
I shake my head but I’m still smiling, even though I swear I can hear my heart ripping open. ‘Please, Jack. Please do this for me. Give me my happy ending.’
He takes a deep breath in, looks back out of the window, the rain coming down heavier, the outside images like wax melting against the glass.
‘I don’t want this to be the end.’
‘But it’s not…’ I take in his side profile, commit it all to memory.
‘It’s the beginning.’ He meets my eyes. ‘Live your life, Jack, don’t hide from it.
Open your shop, get married, have children and…
remember me. Remember that girl you got locked in a cinema with, and wish her well.
Maybe send her the odd postcard? And know that she will always, always, carry a piece of you in her heart. ’