10
Heavy boots thud against the tile of the kitchen floor. Darkness surrounds me, I’m scared of the dark. Tears are streaming down my face, my scruffy stuffed bunny clutched between my shaking fingers, I want to scream, I don’t want to be in here. Men want to hurt her, she’s fighting back, I can hear it. A scream. Gunshot. Seven shots. Men leave me. Her body isn’t moving. Blood is coating the tiles. Mom.
“You’re safe, amore mio. Shh, it’s okay.” Whispered words found me, arms wrapped tight around me, fingers stroking my hair, and my face pressed against damp skin. A sweet scent wafted around me as I instinctively nuzzled closer.
The same words were repeated, and I opened my eyes to a dimly lit room and realised that I was clinging to Lorenzo. And that he was trying to soothe me. My body was shaking, tears flowing freely down my face and soaking his bare chest.
I wriggled myself out of his hold, moving to sit cross-legged on the bed and focus on my breathing. My fingers automatically began to caress the star-shaped stud in my earlobe.
Stop Mallory, no more signs of weakness, remember.
A few minutes silently passed as I tried to compose myself. The last time I had that nightmare was almost three years ago.
Lorenzo’s fingers traced small shapes across my back, a kindness to his gesture that I’d never seen in him before.
“You were screaming, can you tell me why?” he asked gently.
I turned my face to him, the tears now held at bay. Concern was etched all over his face. A new expression.
“Nightmare, I’m fine,” I told him, offering him a small smile, hoping it would reassure him enough to not push me. I couldn’t talk about Mom, not with him. I wanted to run away and hide, but for some reason, I didn’t fight when he tugged me back down to lay in his arms.
“I want you to trust me,” he sighed, pressing his lips to my shoulder as I made myself comfortable.
“If I talk about it, I’ll break,” I confessed into the darkness, feeling a wave of nausea at the vulnerability that my impulsive words showed.
“Then I’ll put you back together,” he said simply, as if it really would be that easy.
I hummed appreciatively and snuggled closer to him. Unable to let myself open up, but I hoped that the movement showed him what his words meant to me. I let my eyes fall closed and felt him pull away from me, instantly wondering if I had once again read him entirely wrong.
The switch in how he acted with me was starting to give me whiplash, along with my own unsure feelings about him.
I heard a faint click, and then his arm wrapped back around me again.
He was only turning off the lamp.
I let out a long breath, frustrated at the way my mind had jumped to conclusions so fast. I really needed to work out what the hell was going on here, the boundary lines between us were blurring more and more each day.
His arm relaxed, and his breathing feathered the back of my neck in an even rhythm, the occasional snore indicating that he had fallen back to sleep. Sometime later I followed, thankfully falling into a dreamless sleep.
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“Lady, love of my life. Please tell me you look that exhausted because you were getting some last night.”
I lifted my head from where it had been resting on my desk and groaned at Eden as she stood in my doorway waggling her eyebrows at me.
“Partially.” I smiled weakly at her, straightening up and pushing my messed up red curls away from my face as she closed the door behind herself.
“You don’t seem too pleased about that?” Her brows pinched together, clearly unable to understand why I wasn’t jumping around screaming from the rooftops about the stupidly amazing sex that I had been having.
I slumped back in my chair and wrinkled my nose at her. “I am. You know it’s amazing. But…” I trailed off, unsure whether I wanted to share too much of my private life with her. Nibbling on my lip, I thought it over. She didn’t need to know the full details, and getting an outside perspective on it all might help, especially a girl’s perspective. I had debated calling Coop about it this morning, but he isn’t stupid, he would’ve worked out who I was talking about, and I wasn’t sure I should risk that. The only other alternative was to go over it all in my own head, and that was just giving me a headache.
“My personal trainer asked me out for drinks last night,” I began. Her eyes lit up and she leant forward, enticed by how surprisingly open I was being.
“Sexy, muscly man-bun?” she asked excitedly. Of course, she knew who I meant, she went to the same gym as me, but she preferred light exercise over a strict routine.
“Yep, that guy.” I felt blood rush to my cheeks at the thought of him. “And I think I kind of wanted to, but then I didn’t really answer him, and he just brushed me off like it hadn’t even happened.”
“Kind of wanted to? Only kind of? Are you okay?” Her brows raised high, disappearing under her dark bangs.
I laughed at her reaction. “I don’t date, you know that.”
Her brows dropped, and I sighed heavily.
“Remind me why. Why won’t you date when you’re getting such amazing offers?” she asked.
“I have baggage. People can’t handle baggage. So why set myself up for disappointment when I can just have some causal fun?”
“Okay, sure, I guess I kinda get that. So, this whole thing with your mystery lover, that’s completely physical then?”
I hadn’t been ready for that question.
“Um, yes, no.” I scrunched my face up in frustration, “I don’t know,” I practically whined.
Eugh, what am I turning in to?
“Ah, so you like him?” she asked with a small smile.
“Honestly, I have no idea how I feel about him. Or how he feels about me. He’s hot and cold with me. I keep having moments with him where it seems like he sees me as something more, but when I question it, he switches back. I don’t know if he’s just protecting himself from me, or if I’m seeing things that aren’t there. Either way, I’m not sure about him.”
Talking about Lorenzo in such an emotional way felt strange to me, but I pushed myself to carry on, hoping that once it was all spoken out loud, I might be able to see it clearer.
“He understands me, he knows me so well. He accepts me. I have no secrets from him. But he keeps them from me. And sometimes he scares me. Can I really open myself up to a guy who lies and scares me?” I searched Eden’s face for an answer, but I couldn’t find one, all she offered me was a thoughtful nod. “That is another reason that I don’t date.”
“And Manbun?” she asked after an uncomfortable silence.
“Huh?” I frowned at her.
“How do you feel about him?”
“Toby is sunshine in human form.” I sighed. “He’s kind, and fun, and easy. I can’t imagine ever feeling sad around him. But he doesn’t really know me.”
“So? That’s the point of dating.” She laughed, and I pushed my tongue into my cheek. “What I’m hearing here, is that your lover isn’t giving you what you need emotionally, and he might not ever. And you deserve someone who is honest and doesn’t scare you. But Manbun could possibly make you happy if you took a leap of faith and tried.”
“But, I don’t date,” I protested weakly, and she raised her brows at me once more. “Eugh, fine. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to try. And I suppose you’re right, about my lover that is. But for some reason, I don’t want to give him up.”
“Then don’t. Just be careful.” She shrugged like it was the simplest thing in the world. “And go on a damn date with that hunky man who clearly wants you.”
“But what if—”
“Mal, seriously girl, stop. You will never know until you actually do it, so go and do it. It might be great.” She gave me a serious glare. “And you should see your face when you talk about Manbun. Lady, you’re all glowy and smiley. It’s time to drop this bullshit about not dating and go enjoy yourself.”
“So you’re saying I should carry on with my lover, and date Toby?” I frowned, surely that wasn’t what she was saying.
“For now, yes. No commitment, just see what it’s like. It’s not like you’re marrying either of them. It’s really quite simple.” She rolled her eyes at me playfully.
I nodded slowly, hesitantly, taking in her advice. Feeling a strange lightness in me that mixed itself with an electric buzz of excitement. I finally understood why girls needed other girls, no guy that I knew would’ve been able—or willing—to talk me into that.
“Sleep on it, but you know I’m right,” she teased. “Now let’s go out for lunch and I can fill you in on Lukas’ latest disaster.” She grinned and stood up. I followed her out, making my demands about where we’d eat, knowing that food was something I could easily make decisions about. And a delicious lunch was definitely needed after all of the sharing I had just done.