Chapter 14 #2
“Fuck!” he swore. Was that the tenth time? But when he spoke again, he did it without obscenities. “I already have changed. I saved a thousand dollars last month from cutting back drinking and going out.”
“Judas Priest! You were wasting that much money?”
He breathed loudly and then he was calmer when he spoke. “I just want a chance to talk to her. Will you please tell her that? You don’t have to plead my case.”
“No, I won’t plead your case. I’ll explain that you called me and what you said but…
” I hesitated. “Channing, why do you have to change, anyway? It’s fine if you don’t want to meet her whole family.
It’s fine to be different people who want different things in general.
You just have to figure out a way to move on. ”
“Just tell her. Please,” he said, and then he told me that he had to go.
We hung up and I sat on my pillow-less couch and thought about things for much too long, not only the Cado-Kiya situation, but also about Victoria and Mr. Gowan.
I even considered Taylor and her friend, the guy that she was secretly in love with (according to Kiya). But mostly, I thought about Ronan.
“Could we see each other in person?” I wrote to him.
It was late by this point and I figured that he would have been asleep—he really should have been, because rest was important for his training and recovery.
It was important for me, too, but I didn’t get too much of it that night.
I had dreams about hearing my phone notify me of a text message, which didn’t actually happen until the next morning.
I grabbed it when it dinged. “You want to get dinner?” he had written.
I did. I really did. I thought about it the whole day, in between doing some work, talking to Kiya, and trying not to act weirdly worried around Victoria.
“I’m fine!” she finally told all of us at lunch. “Can we have a normal conversation?”
We really couldn’t, but we made a very stilted effort in that direction. “Did I tell you that, um…” Taylor thought for a moment. “My mom just cut off all her hair and she hates it. It’s awful. She thinks she looks like an alpaca and she’s not wrong.”
We were happy to discuss this new topic but Kiya grabbed my hand as I went downstairs, just to get a little more information about my call with her former Cado. “You told me what he said but how did he sound? Did he sound sorry?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?” I still didn’t think that Channing should have been forced to apologize for having different relationship goals, but I also didn’t want to argue about it. I had bigger things on my mind today.
“What’s with you?”
“Ronan and I got into an argument. No, not really an argument. It’s about that little thing that I mentioned to you before,” I said. “The thing he suggested the other day and then I said no. He’s acting…” I thought. “Huffy. Petulant, like he’s been done wrong.”
“The thing that you talked about before—oh, you mean how he wanted to move in together? That was a big thing.”
“No, it wasn’t,” I said irritably. “It would have been as roommates.” There was no reason for him to throw away our friendship over it.
“Are you sure that’s all he wanted?” she asked me. “I know that you guys think I’m crazy about how I get on Tay’s ass about her love life, but I have good instincts.”
“You’re not crazy, but you’re annoying,” I informed her, and she tossed her braids.
“Yeah, she does seem happy with the status quo but that doesn’t mean that you are. Or Ronan is.”
“Kiya, he and I discussed messing around and decided against it,” I reminded her.
“But what if he wants more than that? I could be right this time,” she insisted. “It’s just something to consider. Maybe that’s why he’s petulant, or maybe it’s because he’s like my Cado and he can’t express his big feelings. I mean, Channing.”
I knew who she’d meant and it was also annoying to hear her call him that again. “I’ll never eat guacamole after this,” I announced, and she laughed. So did I, which felt better.
I wasn’t laughing when I drove to the diner after work, the same place Ronan and I had gone months before when we’d first eaten together. I had thought he was so cute, so funny, so...I had liked him a lot. I liked him even more now, and I was determined to fix this.
That was what I said when I walked up to the booth where he was already waiting for me. “I’ll do anything to fix this.”
His green eyes widened. “What?”
“I know that you’re mad at me because I told you that I didn’t want to move out of my apartment and in with you.
Looking back, I can see how I said it very rudely and I’m sorry.
And also, you were totally right. I don’t like being in that apartment.
I hate it,” I admitted. “It never felt like home to me, but I thought that things would improve if I got the right doormat and pillows. Maybe drapes, too. But it hasn’t improved and I hate it.
I hate it,” I repeated for the third time.
“Maybe I do want a pet besides Polyphemus. Maybe I do want roommates. A roommate, one in particular.” I paused and waited for his response.
“Hi, Cate. Nice to see you,” Ronan said. “Have a seat. Do you want something to drink?”
After all that talking and the nerves I’d been feeling, I did want the glass of water he offered as I slid into the booth across from him. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he answered. “You don’t need to apologize to me.”
“But you were mad, so I do.”
“I can be mad and it may not relate to you at all.”
“Ok, but it came directly after I rudely told you that I didn’t want to move into your house,” I reasoned. “So it makes sense to think that it did relate to me.”
He didn’t deny it this time. “The past few days have been really weird. Kind of shitty.”
“I know.” I hesitated for a second and then reached across the table and took his hands. “I missed you a lot. I didn’t realize how much I depend on talking to you and seeing you.”
“Yeah. Me too,” he said. Thank goodness, he hadn’t pulled away from my grip. In fact, he moved his fingers so that they were intertwined with mine. I started to believe that he did still want me as his friend, but I was going to be cautious with it.
“Morgan Hurley told Xavier that you were crying in the stands at the game,” he mentioned.
“It could have been allergies.”
“Or it could have been that you were sad,” he told me, and that was correct.
“I’ve been a mess,” I admitted. “But I think I know what will fix it. If you would still be ok with a roommate, I would like to take you up on that offer.”
Then, horribly, he didn’t answer right away. He sat in silence and I started to get the feeling that I was melting inside, melting into some kind of despair. This wasn’t running off my back at all.
“I’m not sure,” Ronan finally said, but when I tried to pull my hands away, he held on. “No, wait. I think this is it. This is what I’m getting.”
“What?” I glanced at the menus at the side of the table. “For dinner?”
“For life. I think this is the best thing,” he stated. “This is what I always said I wanted. This is it.”
“You mean, you wanted a roommate?”
“I wanted the life I have right now. I’m playing pro-football at the highest level. I’m living the dream,” he told me, and I nodded. He was. He might go live it in another city with another team next season, but I couldn’t think about that right now.
“I don’t want my parents’ life,” Ronan continued.
“I don’t want Cormac’s either. I don’t.” I nodded again.
“I told you that they’re having a boy. He called me, very excited.
” He started to smile a little, the first time I’d seen it since—well, it felt like it had been just about forever, and I was so glad to see it now that I felt like I might cry. That was ridiculous.
“He said, ‘Maybe we’ll name him Ronan, after you.’” I watched his eyes get wet, too. “Can you imagine that? Another me.”
“We would all be lucky to have another you,” I said, but I didn’t think it was possible. No one could have been so completely perfect in a way that wasn’t perfect, but just was.
“Are you ready to order?” the waitress asked, and I took my hands back and tried to settle down.
We talked football until the food came. It was a much safer and less emotional topic, and the dinner was fun and easy, with us getting along just like we always did.
I wanted to tell him about Victoria and Mr. Gowan but I didn’t think I should, so I stopped myself each time I started to open my mouth about the two—three—of them.
But I did tell him about his friend Channing.
“Yeah, I should have warned you that I gave him your number, but I didn’t think he was going to use it.
He kept telling me that maybe you’d step in and I said no, you wouldn’t,” Ronan told me.
“I said you definitely weren’t going to bat for him and he seemed to agree that you hated him and he wouldn’t bother you.
You had thought he was a braggart who drank too much. ”
“Well, yes. And I like Myles a lot, too, but I don’t know how much Kiya does,” I responded. “She does think that he’s fun and cute.”
“Cute? He’s on the O-line. Those guys aren’t cute. Now, if you’re going to talk about the defense…”
“He’s handsome,” I corrected myself. “And he doesn’t blow himself up, like others do. And he doesn’t seem to love avocados like others do, either, so there will be no nicknames of that ilk.”
“Thank God.”
“But I did pass along Channing’s message to Kiya. Only that he wants to talk to her,” I explained. “She seems ready to listen.”
“Good, but I kind of hope that nothing comes of it. I personally like Myles better, too.”
“He’s cuter,” I maintained.
“Sure, he’s just like a little bunny,” he offered. “A cute little stuffie. By the way, how is the Cyclops?”
“Polyphemus is fine.” I’d been clinging to him at night, holding so tightly that I worried I might do him some damage. “I would be willing to play golf against you again. You might win a stuffie of your own.”