Chapter 35 Alar
ALAR
"When dawn dispels night's sweet lies, duty's burden heavy lies."
—Ancient Elurian Teaching
Sleep eluded me. I lay in my sleeping bag, staring up into the darkness, the memory of Kailin's kiss burning through every attempt at rational thought. My lips still tingled, and my hands remembered the silk of her hair, the warmth of her skin.
What had I done?
Why had I done it when I had known it was wrong?
Why had she allowed me to do that?
Were we both so weak that we couldn't fight this doomed attraction?
The questions circled endlessly in my mind as the hours crept by.
Beside me, Codric mumbled something in his sleep and turned over, facing Shovia, who had inched closer to him.
I envied their ability to pursue what they wanted without overthinking every move and letting worry of future pain override their base instincts.
They were both like butterflies, hovering over a juicy flower as long as it was pleasurable to do so, and then moving on to the next one without giving it a second thought.
But I didn't have the luxury of following my heart's whims like Codric did.
Not with so much at stake. If I managed to pull off my ambitious plan, it could change the trajectory of Aurorys's future, and if I failed, we would all eventually fall.
The Sitorians would rule the continent after slaughtering half of our population and enslaving the rest.
None of the Elurian council members believed that it could ever happen, even though the Sitorians weren't reticent about proclaiming their intentions.
The Council thought that it was just propaganda aimed at inspiring and controlling their own population, but they were fools to believe that.
The Elucians knew better, but they were a small nation.
As tenacious and brave as they were, they wouldn't last long as the buffer between us and the Sitorians.
The problem was that they were so damn secretive and elusive, and the only way I could see to gain their confidence was to become one of them, and the only way to do that was to become a dragon rider.
It was already a crazily ambitious plan, and I couldn't afford to complicate it further by getting involved with Kailin.
Nevertheless, I couldn't regret our kiss.
As the first hints of dawn began to filter into the cave, the early risers started to stir. I stayed cocooned in my sleeping bag, watching Kailin's peaceful face and memorizing every aspect of it. What if I told her my plans and got her to aid me?
It was such a ridiculous idea that I snorted quietly to myself. She would think I was insane and would reveal my identity, which would cause a major diplomatic event and get me kicked off the force even if I managed to get in.
When she finally opened her eyes, they met mine for just a moment before quickly looking away.
"Rise and shine, pilgrims!" Lysara's voice echoed through the cavern. "The storm has cleared enough to continue. Pack up and be ready to move in thirty minutes."
Activity erupted around us as people began rolling sleeping bags, packing, and rushing to the adjacent caves to do their morning business and wash up.
"You look awful," Codric said as he secured his pack. "Trouble sleeping?"
"The hallucinations kept me awake instead of lulling me to sleep."
If the name of my hallucinations was Kailin, I wasn't lying, but I was so full of half-truths in this land where honesty was sacred that even this small one left a foul taste in my mouth.
Codric cast me a knowing look but didn't press further. Instead, he turned his attention to helping Shovia with her pack straps, their casual touches and knowing smiles another reminder of what I couldn't have.
"Everyone gather round," Lysara called, waiting for our group to cluster around her.
"The storm cost us valuable time. We'll need to push hard today to make up ground and get to the sacred circle before nightfall.
If we don't, the auroras cast enough light for us to keep going after sundown, but the ceremonies will have to be postponed to tomorrow, and no one wants that.
We are all hungry and we want to eat tonight. Right?"
A chorus of voices answered in an enthusiastic affirmative.
"The path ahead is difficult," Lysara continued. "Stay alert and keep close formation. The snow will make footing uncertain, and the wind..." She looked up at the cave entrance where the morning light streamed in. "Well, stay close to the rock wall and away from the edge."
I saw Kailin's shoulders tense at those words, and my hands itched to offer her comfort. But I couldn't, not after our shenanigans last night.
"Questions?" Lysara looked around our group. When no one spoke, she nodded. "Let's move out."
We filed toward the cave entrance. The storm had blanketed every surface with a crystalline white coating. It was beautiful to look at, but dangerous to trek through.
"It's gorgeous," Shovia breathed, pausing to take in the view.
"It's slippery," Morek observed pragmatically. "Mind your footing."
As we began to form our line to descend back to the main trail, I found myself behind Kailin. She stiffened when she realized I was there, then deliberately shifted to let someone else between us.
That shouldn't have hurt as much as it did.
"Remember," Lysara called from the front, "stay close to the mountain face. The snow will have made some sections unstable."
We moved out in single file, our boots crunching in the fresh snow. The wind had died down to occasional gusts, but each one carried the promise of more storms to come.
"It's amazing how different everything looks," Codric said from somewhere behind me. "Like walking through a different world."
"The mountains are always changing," someone replied. "That's why we can never take them for granted."
The philosophical observation sparked a discussion about the mountains' moods and mysteries, which was heavily influenced by the delirium many of the pilgrims were suffering, but I didn't listen.
My attention kept being dragged back to Kailin, who was several pilgrims ahead of me now.
She seemed more confident, but she still moved ahead carefully with one hand always touching the rock face.
This was how it had to be, I told myself. Better to maintain distance now than cause both of us more pain later.
Nevertheless, as we continued our climb, I couldn't stop my mind from returning to that moment in the cave—the way she'd felt in my arms, the soft sounds she'd made when I'd kissed her, the way she'd kissed me back with equal fervor before reality intruded.
"Keep up," Lysara called back. "We've got a lot of ground to cover."
I forced my attention back to the path, to the simple mechanics of placing one foot in front of the other. The altitude didn't seem to bother me as much today, and surprisingly, I was free of hallucinations. Perhaps heartache was the antidote to both?
Ahead, the trail switched back on itself, leading ever upward into the pristine white landscape. Kailin walked with the rest of our group, silent and focused on putting one foot in front of the other.
She didn't look back. Not even once, and it hurt.
The sun climbed higher as we ascended, making the snow brilliantly, almost painfully bright. The auroras still danced overhead, their colors seeming sharper against the white landscape, but even their beauty felt somehow diminished today.
Some distances, once established, proved challenging to cross. Similarly, some paths, once diverged, never converged again.